The most patronising food advice you'll ever read

This is from our employee assistance firm's monthly newsletter. This month it seems they want us to get healthy, so eat well, don't smoke and sleep enough. No you-know-what, Sherlock. It's written down to a reading age of approximately ten, so try and stop the rage rising as you read this utterly turgid, regurgitated, derivative load of old bobbins.

"Keeping Control Of Calories

Calories can be a preoccupation for people trying to lose weight. But are they really that important? Calories can be confusing. A calorie is a unit of energy, but there are actually two types of calories: big ones and small ones. The confusion occurs because, in general, both are usually just called calories.

When scientists measure energy expenditure they sometimes do it in small calories. The scientific definition of a small calorie is the amount of energy required to increase the temperature of one gram of water by one degree Celsius.

The energy in food, however, is measured in what are sometimes called big calories or kilocalories. (One big calorie is equal to 1,000 small calories.)

Confusing big and small calories can lead to some very misleading ideas about weight loss. For example, you may have heard about the myth that drinking a lot of iced water can help you lose weight, because your body has to expend energy bringing the iced water up to your body temperature.

Sadly, it doesn’t work because proponents of this approach have taken calculations done in small calories and mistaken them for big calories. Drinking iced water will burn up some energy, but only very tiny amounts.

So if you come across an idea on a blog or website that sounds too good to be true regarding burning calories, always double check it to see if it stacks up.

You may also see the term kilojoule, which is the metric measure of energy commonly used on food labels and recipes. One food calorie equals 4.184 kilojoules.

For weight loss, the most important thing about calories or kilojoules is that once you’ve stored them in your body as fat, they need to be burned off to lose weight.

And what about calories,carbs, proteins and fats? Does it matter where you get your calories from? The answer is yes, it can.

Carbohydrates, proteins and fats have different energy densities. The greater the energy density a food has, the more calories per gram (or ounce) you get. For example fats contain around nine calories per gram, whereas proteins and carbohydrates contain around four. So, by weight, you can eat more proteins or carbohydrates than fats, for the same amount of energy intake.

But it’s not quite that simple. Food does a lot more than just provide your body with energy. Carbohydrates, proteins and fats are also building blocks for your body, which is why they are called macronutrients. They each do different (and vital) things in the body, so you need all three.

So what to do?

Focus on making a wide variety of low/moderate calorie, high nutrient foods, like vegetables, fruits and whole grains, the mainstay of your diet. Lean meats and fish are good sources of protein that can help keep you feeling satisfied with relatively small portions. And don’t forget to include a small amount of fats, particularly healthy unsaturated fats, in your diet."

So - you're saying eat your greens and don't sit on your *kitten* all day in front of the telly in your pants, stuffing crisps into your head? Blimey. Who'd have thought it?

Yes, rant over. I hate being patronised.