4-year-old Temper Tantrums... HELP?!?!?

iKapuniai
iKapuniai Posts: 594 Member
edited November 12 in Chit-Chat
So... my almost 4-year-old son has been throwing really bad temper tantrums lately. The root of most of them? He wants to go to Grandmas House! His grandma babysits him 5 days a week for half the day while I'm at work and he just LOVES being with her. He'll be there all day and as soon as I go to pick him up to take him home, he wants to go right back to Grandmas. If I say no, he starts crying, then he screams and yells. If I continue to say no, he starts throwing stuff, hitting walls, or he'll try to take a swing at me. He'll scream, yell and growl through his teeth.

I've always believed that kids these days absolutely need discipline. I take a look at my younger sister and some of my nieces and nephews and I just can't believe it - those kids could get away with murder! They're spoiled and incredibly disrespectful! However... in an effort to be the best parent I can be, I do try to find different ways to discipline without resolving to spanking. I love my son soooo much, more than anything in the world, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him or see him cry. I've read so many articles and magazines about discipline, but in the heat of the moment, some of the recommendations just don't work.

I've tried kneeling down to my sons height and speaking to him very softly and try to explain why he can't go to Grandmas. I tell him that I want him to be home and spend time with me because I don't see him very much during the day. I tell him that he's a good boy, but that I don't like when he acts out like that, and that it makes me sad (and sometimes angry) to see him so upset.

I ask him why he's mad and why he wants to go to grandmas house, to give him the chance to talk to me and explain his frustrations with me, even if it doesn't have to do with going to Grandmas house. When he destroys his toys because he's mad, I ask him if he wants to go punch on a punching bag, or scream into a pillow, or paint a picture or build with his legos or anything else that might be constructive instead, while still allowing him to blow off his steam.

So... my question is, HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH YOUR CHILDS TEMPER TANTRUMS? A few days ago my son threw a tantrum that lasted almost 2 hours! I was so upset and torn that I almost wanted to cry. Nothing I say or do stops him from crying and getting worse, and it's all because he does anything and everything to fight his sleep! Sometimes he's SO tired, he'll make a huge fuss out of anything and it turns into a full blown tantrum! It drives me nuts. And when I scold him, he cries for Grandma! I know she spoils him and that's probably why he wants to be with her so much, but it makes me feel like he never wants to be with me.

How do you do it?? What do you do/say to deal with your childs temper tantrums??

Any tips, advice, experiences, anything is helpful!

Thank you all.

Love and Alohas,
-Ihilani Kapuniai
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Replies

  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
    Here are my recommendations based on what my mom has told me. I only had two temper tantrums growing up because of how she dealt with them:

    1. If he destroys his toys, don't buy him new ones.

    2. Instead of asking him if he wants to paint a picture or build legos (a fun activity) while throwing a temper tantrum, tell him if you do not stop then ______. Then follow through. If you say, "We aren't eating until you stop throwing stuff," then follow through.
    Then you can say, "If you stop throwing temper tantrums for 1 week, I'll get you this toy." or something. If he doesn't follow through, don't get him the toy until he does. Make sure to always keep to your word.

    3. You seem really sweet btw. I think you sound like a good mom, but I think it's important to teach kids discipline young...so although it might feel bad yelling at him or taking stuff away, hopefully this will shape him into a good older kid.

    PS: Good luck :)
  • LindaLouLu
    LindaLouLu Posts: 271 Member
    Oh hun, I FEEL your pain. My oldest was the MASTER at tantrums around age 4 (She'll be 13 in 3 days) One wowser was actually for a denied trip to Grama's house. It lasted 8 hours solid. It included a packed backpack, thrown bedding, furniture, toys, and a knocked over dresser.
    That tantrum was handled with a good old fashioned "Time-out"...that lasted 8 hours.
    It started with a request to please go see her Grandmother. I told her no. She asked her father and HE told her no. Dual "No's" resulted in a fine, I'll go by myself. So she packed her day bag (The backpack) and informed us she was leaving and never coming back. We smiled, kissed her, told her we loved her, and opened the front door for her (she still couldn't unlock it by herself). She looked at us and broke into tears, took her pack off and threw it at us.
    Throwing is not allowed, so we told her to sit in the time-out chair (Little Tykes rocking chair). She walked over to it like she was going to sit in it and instead picked it up and threw it at her little brothers head. Luckily she missed. Well, from the not happening time-out chair, she was sent to her bed (Not the BEST answer, but luckily she couldn't lift the top bed on a bunk bed to throw it at anyone)
    Typical little girl, her bed was FULL of ammunition's in the form of stuffed animals and dolls. Let the Games Begin!
    It started with screaming. That horrible high pitch "I'm Dying" of which only children under the age of 5 seem capable. Then it progressed to kicking while screaming. Throwing stuffed animals if anyone got "Close" to her room. Moved on to the "I'm sneaking out of Time-out" stage in which she dumped her dresser over when she was told to get back in her bed.
    After going back to her bed, it started with the bedding. Pillow cases, Pillows, blankets, sheets, the works. All ripped off and tossed to the floor. All the while screaming at us "You NEVER let I do NOTHING I WANT!!!!" <--- You would not BELIEVE how hard it was not to laugh at that.
    Anyway, After 8 hours of not talking to her except to say the word "Bed", she gave up and fell asleep. The next morning she came out and gave us hugs and said she was sorry. No major fits from that point on. It just took that one good time of letting her know that SHE was not going to get her way no mater what. It was definitely the WORST 8 hours of my life. I felt awful. I wanted to give her something to make her happy. I don't think ANY mother enjoys seeing her child(ren) that upset. Sometimes though, you just HAVE to put that Mommy foot down. Tantrum or no Tantrum.
    My second child Time-outs worked wonders.
    Baby number 3? Not at ALL. With him it was the "You are being a VERY bad boy right now", then he was willing to listen and correct himself.
    I know all kids aren't the same though, and what works for one may not work for another. I wish you the very very best of luck finding something that works for you.
  • robot_potato
    robot_potato Posts: 1,535 Member
    I simply do not tolerate noise. Yell, scream, tantrum all you want, I don't care. But you do it in your bedroom with your door shut. The door does not open until your mouth closes. I will talk to you when you are ready to speak nicely and be respectful.If you throw or abuse anything, I take it away and you do not see it for a week. It seems harsh I know, but it works. No matter your method, you need to be unwaveringly consistent.
  • KLEALEE71
    KLEALEE71 Posts: 33 Member
    agreed
  • firedudecndn
    firedudecndn Posts: 25
    NO FAIL RESPONSE TO TEMPER TANTRUMS!!!!!

    This is a NO FAIL remedy.

    Ignore him.

    A temper tantrum is an attempt to get attention good or bad because negative attention is better than no attention and if by chance his tantrum works; all the better for him. It is manipulation plain and simple.

    While I was still married and my kids were little, my now ex wife and I had a very simple but always successful response to a tantrum... Our code phrase was "I'm going to wash the garbage cans this week" and we'd have this ridiculous discussion about washing garbage cans. Within 3 minutes the tantrum was over and it was only repeated once and the same discussion about garbage cans was carried out. We stayed right where we were when the tantrum started and refused to acknowledge it and it stopped. It only took two times and my kids never threw another tantrum.
    The worst thing you can do is react.
  • KLEALEE71
    KLEALEE71 Posts: 33 Member
    I totally agree. I just don;t acknowledge the tantrum, just simply say "let me know when you are done, and when you can talk calmly and be respectful , you may talk to me" and walk away
  • britishstar41
    britishstar41 Posts: 140 Member
    I simply do not tolerate noise. Yell, scream, tantrum all you want, I don't care. But you do it in your bedroom with your door shut. The door does not open until your mouth closes. I will talk to you when you are ready to speak nicely and be respectful.If you throw or abuse anything, I take it away and you do not see it for a week. It seems harsh I know, but it works. No matter your method, you need to be unwaveringly consistent.

    I'm of this school of thought as well. If I've explained why things are, and tried to reason with her, and she's still throwing a complete freak out? She goes to her room and can cry it out in there.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,982 Member
    Sorry no real input here. My daughter has never had a tantrum so I haven't had to deal with it. However with all the throwing, hitting, etc. he had to learn that somewhere and that should be addressed IMO.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • p1xelate
    p1xelate Posts: 141 Member
    I simply do not tolerate noise. Yell, scream, tantrum all you want, I don't care. But you do it in your bedroom with your door shut. The door does not open until your mouth closes. I will talk to you when you are ready to speak nicely and be respectful.If you throw or abuse anything, I take it away and you do not see it for a week. It seems harsh I know, but it works. No matter your method, you need to be unwaveringly consistent.

    I do the same my daughter is now 6 and is allowed to get away with them with her father so I still get 'testers' occasionally but I started at 3 years old. If she was throwing a fit I would walk her to her room and tell her she could come out when she got all her bad feelings out and could use her words to work on the problem but it was not ok to treat anyone like that and she could do it by herself. When she was younger I would have to put her back in her room once or twice but she would calm down because there was no one to see it she would lose momentum quickly. I have seen her throw a similar fit with her dad who tries to reason with her during the fit and it escalates. At 6 years old if one starts all I have to say is something about treating people nicely and she will calm herself down and 'use her words'.

    I know every kid is different but this is what worked for me so hope it helps in some way.
  • rsmblue
    rsmblue Posts: 353 Member
    IDK if this is an option, but... Can Grandma drop him off at your house when you get home from work? If that is a possibility, then maybe you can try that.

    Also, what is Grandma's reaction when your child does this? Maybe she can have a 'lil chat with him the next time they are together, while you are at work.

    I've ignored my children (now 15,13,11) when they "blew up"... I've been since learned that "by the books" that is the "wrong" thing to do... (I'm sorry, but their suggestion of reasoning, esp. when they are that young is just ... well, kinda reminds me of getting in the middle of two dogs fighting... someone is bound to get bit!) HA... When my kiddos realized that they weren't getting the satisfaction or the attention, it stopped.

    You have to do what WORKS for YOU! But whatever you find that does work, be consistant!

    Good Luck
  • nottober
    nottober Posts: 1 Member
    it is amazingly difficult to not pay attention to tantrums. and that is the point of them, but besides ignoring him, here is one other idea. TELL HIM TO YELL! tell him that you want him to scream at the top of his lungs. I know its a scary thought, but when I have seen it done, the kid usually does not want to because all of a sudden screaming isn't going to bother you anymore (even though it does), and it is more clear that it isn't going to get him what he wants.
  • sleepytexan
    sleepytexan Posts: 3,138 Member
    I do NOT deal with tantrums period. That being said, I am a mom of 4, with a live-in niece, so I am a lot tougher than the typical mother-of-one.

    My youngest is 4 and gets no slack, whatsoever. If she whines or does the "cranky dance" all I have to say is "1" (as in 1-2-3) and she stops immediately. I have told her that we do not like baby sounds coming out of anyone but a baby. If I hear a baby sound, I ask if there's a baby here who's tired and needs to go to bed. Obviously, this doesn't work immediately, you have to work up to it. You have to tell the child the consequence for undesireable behavior, and you MUST carry out the consequence EVERY time. (make sure it is something you can carry out every time or it will never work).

    Also, I praise her for behaving like a big girl, I give her big girl rewards, etc. Big girls get to choose their own clothes, hair style, books to read, toys to play with, etc. Big girls get to help with "fun things" like setting the table, cooking dinner, making treats, etc.

    The most important thing is consistency. If you threaten without following through, if you shout and give in, if you feed the fury, you lost.

    Great book-on-tape I heard years ago when trying to implement bedtime with my 2nd was "Magic 1-2-3". I'm sure you can get it on CD or DVD or even download these days.

    Good luck.
  • liog
    liog Posts: 347 Member
    If we're at home I put them in their room and tell them when they calm down they can come out. I leave their doors open. I usually clean up the kitchen so I am close by. Sometimes they will throw things out of their rooms and I remind them that anything that comes out of their room will go away forever. I've had to dispose of a few toys and a pair of sparkle shoes, but they don't usually throw things out of their rooms now. When they calm down and come out of their rooms, we talk about what happened and why they were upset.

    If we are at a store or something we usually leave.

    Not tantrum related, but last fall, I caught our four year old daughter throwing her yard furniture over the railing into our stairwell. I told her to stop it and she picked up another chair, smiled at me and threw it over. I picked up everything she threw into the stairwell and put it in the trash can without saying a word and sent her to her room. We talked about it afterward because I wanted to make sure she understood why she wouldn't have those things any more.

    Our kids will call for Daddy when I'm doing the disciplining and they will call for me when my husband is doing the disciplining. We just tell them that if Mommy/Daddy were here they'd tell you the same thing. Maybe try that with Grandma.
  • cloud2011
    cloud2011 Posts: 898 Member
    My son is 22 now, and when he was little, he did not have the terrible twos, but he had some major tantrums around 3, 4, 5. (By the way, he's a polite young man now, and hasn't had a tantrum in years).

    Looking back, I realize that some (most actually) of these times, I was the one who was under so much stress. Honestly, he was picking up a lot of my stress and kind of giving it right back to me. His tantrums were always worse when I was stressed, whether it was due to my husband traveling on business, or not getting enough rest, etc.


    So, first look at what's going on with you. It might not be anything you're feeling. But it's worth considering.

    Next, I'll say that pick-up from childcare whether it's grandma or someone else can be very stressful for young children, and parents. Some children in particular have difficulty with transitions from one activity to the next. So picture yourself feeling safe and secure doing what you enjoy, and then someone comes along (and no matter how much love him or her) insists you leave. Right now. Even though you're enjoying yourself.

    So I would work on the transitions. Talk to your son about coming home before it happens. Plan a ritual together that you can do to mark the transition from grandma's house to home, and vice versa. Maybe he can make a little sign on his door that says, "I'm home" and on the reverse says "Out to Grandma's." He could turn it to the correct side, depending on where he is. He could color it, cut it out, etc. That way he has control over the whole thing, with your help. (And, how about a sketch book he can draw in at home "to show grandma" when he sees her again? Encourage him to think of stories to "save up" for when he sees her next.)

    Also, there's something called "disintegration," which means that your son is saving up all of his frustrations for you. He's been holding himself together all day while mommy is gone. So when he sees you, he feels safe to express his anxieties, longings, and frustrations. And, tantrums are about learning to regulate your emotions. Your son is having a problem with it right now, but it doesn't mean he'll stay that way, or this is the way it has to be.

    Finally, there are also little charts you can buy or make for preschoolers. The charts have a lot of different faces, expressing emotions. When my daughter was little, her preschool used this to teach kids to learn how to identify their own and others' emotion. You could use this as a tool for your son to tell you how he's feeling. (Honestly, when my daughter did this, I thought, wow, this is so simple but powerful.I was amazed that simply teaching about emotions would make a difference, but I believe it does).

    Hang in there, it's not easy, but it can improve. : )

    P.S. There's always the HALT system. If you're Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, it's easier to lose your temper, whether you're a kid or parent. So you could even teach him, or ask him if he's any of these things.

    Best of luck!
  • msjessae
    msjessae Posts: 28
    I've got a 4 year old! Well, I'm not the mom, I'm the aunt and I take care of her and her brother (2 year old). She has tantrums too!
    But I wouldn't say they're out of control, I mean I think they're only out of control to the point of being spanked by my brother (her dad) because they deal with them differently.

    As to how to handle it?

    Do you remember any moment in time that your child was just extremely upset/sad/mad about something? Do something about it and make it work for you.

    For my niece, when she's not being nice and doesn't listen when I ask her to stop doing something, I take her back to a moment where we can both LEVEL to an emotional situation that she would be able to empathize. For example, there was this boy from school that used to be her friend, but became a bit of a bully towards her after. So I remind her, "the boy used to be her friend but he did something so that you're not friends anymore. He lost you as a friend, right? (she nods meaning positive response) You don't want to lose a friend right?" and boom, she becomes aware of the situation from a view that she was able to RELATE to.

    Kids don't like being told to. If you just be "nice" to them all the time they WILL find a way to manipulate that niceness believe it or not.
    I hope this helps, feel free to add me if there's any other concern as I don't really check these message boards a lot.
  • pamperedhen
    pamperedhen Posts: 446 Member
    OMG!!! :noway: I'm too old~school for all of ya'll! NONE of my 4 kids EVER had a temper tantrum! They knew what would happen!:drinker:
  • Switty_Kitty
    Switty_Kitty Posts: 532 Member
    As a mother of two sons, i've been pretty lucky. My oldest used to throw fits when he was around 3 years old. He learned quickly that they worked against him when mommy didnt respond to the noise and ear piercing screeches. Never was an issue after that.

    My youngest had a short stint as a whining little man witch. Again...Ignoring until he decided to speak in his normal voice did the trick. I would respond to him with "Im sorry. I don't understand that language." and he caught on quick enough.

    Best of luck with your babe. Just remember that you're the adult in the situation. You know whats best for your child....and what you reinforce now will have lasting effects.
  • nbingham
    nbingham Posts: 102 Member
    I understand your desire to refrain from hurting your child. No good mother wants to hurt their child. Other than ignoring him when he screams and letting him scream it out there isn't much you can do.

    However, that being said, I do believe in corporal punishment. As the mother of 4 children, ages 24, 21, 20 and 9, I've learned that in some situations there is no better alternative. I've met the children of parents who never resort to corporal punishment and have not yet found a situation that was good. I've seen their children scream, hit (that learning to hit thing is a myth I think), bite, spit at and kick their parents. Not once has that happened to me. I have a very good relationship with all my kids. I believe the real challenge is not to over punish. I have only rarely had to resort to an actual swat (only one was ever given for even the worst transgressions) and most of the time a good stern look in the eye, while gently but firmly holding their chin as I tell them to behave would work just fine. Regardless of what you decide to do (and yes, I know I'm probably going to get flamed for my "archaic" parenting techniques.) you have to remember that you are his parent and NOT his buddy.

    Oh, and before people really start lighting into me for my "old fashioned" corporal punishment, please think about this: Are children more or less polite and well behaved than they were in your parents / grandparents day?
  • Jennyisbusy
    Jennyisbusy Posts: 1,294 Member
    I am a big fan of the 'ignore' method. Sometimes if it was really over the top then the next thing they ask for they don't get. By this point they are calm and can actually understand when you say "you were acting really ugly when you threw yourself on the floor and I don't give cookies (or whatever) to kids who act that way."

    NEVER cave though, no matter what puppydog eyes and "i love you's" they bring to the table!!! You want them to remember bad behavior = no treat, not bad behavior + puppydog eyes = I still get what I want.

    :flowerforyou: Good luck! Sometimes being a parent stinks.

    (I helped raise a friends kid so I had 3 under 3 at one point...)
  • Jennyisbusy
    Jennyisbusy Posts: 1,294 Member
    OMG!!! :noway: I'm too old~school for all of ya'll! NONE of my 4 kids EVER had a temper tantrum! They knew what would happen!:drinker:

    How did they learn what was gonna happen?
  • NoAdditives
    NoAdditives Posts: 4,251 Member
    Make your time with him just as fun as his time with Grandma. Give him something to look forward to when he's with you. Let him help you cook dinner, play with him when you get home, etc. Chances are he loves spending time with Grandma so much because it's more fun than at home. This is common with kids who are in daycare or preschool. Instead of simply telling him he can't go back to Grandma's tell him about the great things you will do with him instead.
  • LovesGG
    LovesGG Posts: 241 Member
    Not trying to be funny but watching a few episodes of Supernanny really helped me a lot since I work with kids.
  • Rayman79
    Rayman79 Posts: 2,009 Member
    I can identify with so much of this. Our situation is quite similar in that my Mother-in-law looks after my girls (4yo and 2yo) four days per week. We often get the same reaction, albeit not as severe with the lashing out and breaking toys.

    We have tried a number of techniques to manage the tantrums, and as an aside, I consider that we are pretty well equipped from an educational standpoint to deal with children (I have a degree in psychology and my wife is a Principal Social Worker specialising in Child welfare) but rest assured we get it wrong, A LOT.

    There are a lot of general techniques that work for many children, but ultimately it is about finding out what works for your son and sticking to it. A couple of key elements to think of though:

    1. Never reward negative behaviour. By reward I don't mean in the traditional sense, but even acknowledgement and attention can act to re-enforce a behaviour. Find a way to isolate him through having a place for him to 'calm down', or even walk away if you have to... I do this a lot. ;)

    2. ROUTINE. Some people have differing views on this, but personally I have seen that the vast majority of kids thrive on routine and structure. Try to have the same routine day after day, and even ask your mom to have a pre-pickup ritual which may be a story time or a snack... This will get him to start processing the fact that you are coming to pick him up and may make the transition easier over time.

    I would also like to make the point that some of your feelings about this subject may be multiplied by the fact that he is asking for her over wanting to be with you. This is perfectly natural behaviour given that they spend so much time together, and you have identified that she is lenient with him (which doesn't help sometimes - and I REALLY empathise with you on this, we have exactly the same issue!) Please don't take his tantrums as a rejection of you or that you are not his 'favourite' person. It really is a phase (don't you get tired of people telling you that! ;))

    Lastly, sorry about my rambling post, don't be tempted to be the 'nice' parent to over-compensate. Love, stucture & consistency are probably the most important aspects in raising a child. From a recent interesting study (which is actually not too bad as far as behavioural studies are concerned)... You only need to get it right 30% of the time to have a normal level of child-parent attachment.

    :flowerforyou:
  • p1xelate
    p1xelate Posts: 141 Member
    Not trying to be funny but watching a few episodes of Supernanny really helped me a lot since I work with kids.

    she rocks and has helped me so much!
  • Scatterdragon
    Scatterdragon Posts: 225 Member
    My almost 4 year old is pretty well behaved, but every once in a while he has a tantrum that is a DOOZY!!! I have tried dealing with it in many ways, time outs, taking away toys, everything short of spanking which I do not believe in. The only this that has come close to working is to sit him in the rocking chair in his room and close the door and walk away. I tell him when he is ready to act like a big boy then he can call me. Works like a charm.

    Good luck! My son seems to have finished that phase *KNOCK ON WOOD*
  • Christine1110
    Christine1110 Posts: 1,786 Member
    When they have a temper tantrum...they do it because they are willing to do anything to get their own way....You should give him no attention when he's doing this...straight to his room or a naughty seat. When he can behave find of what he really enjoys doing at Grandma's and make sure to do something he likes....but only when he's being good...and give lots of attention, and when he's bad he goes to the chair/his room....he will get the idea. Being good does pay!!


    Good luck
  • pamperedhen
    pamperedhen Posts: 446 Member
    Sun 03/04/12 11:36 PMQUOTE:

    OMG!!! I'm too old~school for all of ya'll! NONE of my 4 kids EVER had a temper tantrum! They knew what would happen!



    How did they learn what was gonna happen?



    When you have a connection with your children and tell them what behaviour is acceptable and what is not! They also respect their father, me and all in authority.:drinker: PS None of them have ever been in the office, jail and are highly respected and successful in our area!
  • Rayman79
    Rayman79 Posts: 2,009 Member
    Just a quick aside. The idea of the 'naughty' spot is a common one - and I think it is Super Nanny endorsed. I would just make the point of having this somewhere neutral. The idea of creating a link between a child's bedroom and a place for being naughty is not a great idea, especially if the child is not great at going down to sleep. Besides, their room is often filled with toys... not a big punishment for most.
  • Cold_Steel
    Cold_Steel Posts: 897 Member
    Duct tape him to your garage door. Repeatedly open and close it, works every time
  • Cold_Steel
    Cold_Steel Posts: 897 Member
    Too the parents who claim their children never threw a tantrum...

    You are delusional... Either A. Your child deserves the child of the universe award. B. You deserve the parent of the universe award.
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