4-year-old Temper Tantrums... HELP?!?!?
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Make your time with him just as fun as his time with Grandma. Give him something to look forward to when he's with you. Let him help you cook dinner, play with him when you get home, etc. Chances are he loves spending time with Grandma so much because it's more fun than at home. This is common with kids who are in daycare or preschool. Instead of simply telling him he can't go back to Grandma's tell him about the great things you will do with him instead.0
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Not trying to be funny but watching a few episodes of Supernanny really helped me a lot since I work with kids.0
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I can identify with so much of this. Our situation is quite similar in that my Mother-in-law looks after my girls (4yo and 2yo) four days per week. We often get the same reaction, albeit not as severe with the lashing out and breaking toys.
We have tried a number of techniques to manage the tantrums, and as an aside, I consider that we are pretty well equipped from an educational standpoint to deal with children (I have a degree in psychology and my wife is a Principal Social Worker specialising in Child welfare) but rest assured we get it wrong, A LOT.
There are a lot of general techniques that work for many children, but ultimately it is about finding out what works for your son and sticking to it. A couple of key elements to think of though:
1. Never reward negative behaviour. By reward I don't mean in the traditional sense, but even acknowledgement and attention can act to re-enforce a behaviour. Find a way to isolate him through having a place for him to 'calm down', or even walk away if you have to... I do this a lot.
2. ROUTINE. Some people have differing views on this, but personally I have seen that the vast majority of kids thrive on routine and structure. Try to have the same routine day after day, and even ask your mom to have a pre-pickup ritual which may be a story time or a snack... This will get him to start processing the fact that you are coming to pick him up and may make the transition easier over time.
I would also like to make the point that some of your feelings about this subject may be multiplied by the fact that he is asking for her over wanting to be with you. This is perfectly natural behaviour given that they spend so much time together, and you have identified that she is lenient with him (which doesn't help sometimes - and I REALLY empathise with you on this, we have exactly the same issue!) Please don't take his tantrums as a rejection of you or that you are not his 'favourite' person. It really is a phase (don't you get tired of people telling you that!)
Lastly, sorry about my rambling post, don't be tempted to be the 'nice' parent to over-compensate. Love, stucture & consistency are probably the most important aspects in raising a child. From a recent interesting study (which is actually not too bad as far as behavioural studies are concerned)... You only need to get it right 30% of the time to have a normal level of child-parent attachment.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Not trying to be funny but watching a few episodes of Supernanny really helped me a lot since I work with kids.
she rocks and has helped me so much!0 -
My almost 4 year old is pretty well behaved, but every once in a while he has a tantrum that is a DOOZY!!! I have tried dealing with it in many ways, time outs, taking away toys, everything short of spanking which I do not believe in. The only this that has come close to working is to sit him in the rocking chair in his room and close the door and walk away. I tell him when he is ready to act like a big boy then he can call me. Works like a charm.
Good luck! My son seems to have finished that phase *KNOCK ON WOOD*0 -
When they have a temper tantrum...they do it because they are willing to do anything to get their own way....You should give him no attention when he's doing this...straight to his room or a naughty seat. When he can behave find of what he really enjoys doing at Grandma's and make sure to do something he likes....but only when he's being good...and give lots of attention, and when he's bad he goes to the chair/his room....he will get the idea. Being good does pay!!
Good luck0 -
Sun 03/04/12 11:36 PMQUOTE:
OMG!!! I'm too old~school for all of ya'll! NONE of my 4 kids EVER had a temper tantrum! They knew what would happen!
How did they learn what was gonna happen?
When you have a connection with your children and tell them what behaviour is acceptable and what is not! They also respect their father, me and all in authority.:drinker: PS None of them have ever been in the office, jail and are highly respected and successful in our area!0 -
Just a quick aside. The idea of the 'naughty' spot is a common one - and I think it is Super Nanny endorsed. I would just make the point of having this somewhere neutral. The idea of creating a link between a child's bedroom and a place for being naughty is not a great idea, especially if the child is not great at going down to sleep. Besides, their room is often filled with toys... not a big punishment for most.0
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Duct tape him to your garage door. Repeatedly open and close it, works every time0
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Too the parents who claim their children never threw a tantrum...
You are delusional... Either A. Your child deserves the child of the universe award. B. You deserve the parent of the universe award.0 -
Some good advice...sending him to his room, ignoring, etc. One thing you should also be mindful of as well is the time at which you pick up your child from grandma's house. If it is after work (4-6 p.m.) this is the time of day where most kids are hungry or tired. Giving him a very small, healthy snack while you make dinner or cuddling with him on the couch for a little decompression time might help. He may not understand the physical needs and may be using grandma as an excuse for expressing his frustrations.
Just remember...this is a stage and it too shall pass. Then, you will be blessed to enjoy him in his teenage years (which is where I am with both of my kiddos). Ha ha ha.
Best of luck to you with your little one.
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Just my opinion, I am the mother of 4, lovely children, all grown now. The tantrums are obviously for attention and to play on your guilt for not always being around. Children are master manipulaters. Two of mine had tantrums, two didn't (the younger ones, guess they learned from their older sibs). They were put in their rooms and ignored until they could be civil and informed any damage would be cleaned up by them. Meanwhile, mommy cried in the living room, but they didn't see it. You can reason when they are older, but not under 6. You have to be stronger than they are and not fall into their trap. Good Luck!0
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Maybe his tantrums are because his grandmother's doing something you're not? I mean things like general spoiling, letting him do what he wants, giving in to any demands, etc. Kids aren't dumb, even that young. When they know one adult does something they like and the other doesn't, they will want that adult. Maybe you could talk to the grandmother about what they do during the day and what she does if/when he acts bad or does something you're teaching him not to do. If what she's doing or how she's handling him isn't to your liking, then talk with her and ask her to change because of the way he's acting once he's with you.
I don't have kids but I've been around my second cousin since she was born 7 years ago. Her parents are not together, her mother is still stuck in a teenager's brain despite being 35, so a lot of her time is spent with her grandparents, my Aunt and Uncle. Well they spoiled her rotten from day one and let her get away with a lot of things. When she went with her mom, her mom didn't put up with her behavior and the child threw temper tantrums, which stupidly ended her back at her grandparents' house because mom couldn't take it. She hates going to her dad's because he and the stepmom have rules (very good ones) and she doesn't like them. Basically what was going on was nobody was communicating about how to raise her or control her and she ended up with this attitude of "if you say no, I'll go to someone else who says yes. If they say no, I'll do it anyway." Only within the last week have my Aunt and Uncle realized how bad she's gotten and they're working with both her mom and dad to try and get her better behaved, and she's been given incentive. If she changes and behaves, in the summer they'll take her to Disneyland. If she keeps being bad then she won't go.
That's probably not a heck of a lot of advice or even good advice, but maybe it'll help a little. Believe me I know those tantrums and I'm powerless because I'm not the mother, I basically get no say in her life.0 -
Sun 03/04/12 11:36 PMQUOTE:
OMG!!! I'm too old~school for all of ya'll! NONE of my 4 kids EVER had a temper tantrum! They knew what would happen!
How did they learn what was gonna happen?
When you have a connection with your children and tell them what behaviour is acceptable and what is not! They also respect their father, me and all in authority.:drinker: PS None of them have ever been in the office, jail and are highly respected and successful in our area!
With 4 kids? Either we have different ideas of what a tantrum is or maybe your kids are robots???0 -
Hello xayekim! :drinker: I am one of those parents!!! My kids DID NOT throw temper tantrums!!! What I would do is if a kid would be throwing a temper tantrum in a store I would say..."You see that child??...You do that there is war!!!That child is not respecting his parent right now and I need you to respect me. You see everyone is looking at him/her?? That poor mother/father is totally humiliated and would you want me to feel like that?? People respect others who can control themselves, so that is what is expected of you." I guess it worked for our 4 kids! They are successful, have won national awards and are highly respected in our community!:drinker:0
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Is "Grandma" the mother of the spoiled younger sister? Just curious.
Anyway. Of course he wants to go to Grandma's house. She loves him, spoils him, probably plans fun things, never makes him eat broccoli, puts sugar sprinkles on his PB&J, and absolutely never, EVER makes him take a nap.
Okay, so I'm probably exaggerating... LOL But kids always want to go to Grandma's house. There's no need to understand it, he's a kid, Grandma is fun, mom makes him go home and eat vegetables and go to bed on time. It's perfectly normal. But is the tantrum okay? Absolutely not. You are letting him be a tyrant and disrespect you in a HUGE way with this.
When he is calm and you have some down time, I'd suggest you have a chat. Maybe even over a snack or something. Explain that he's a big boy, he can XYZ and ABC, whatever it is that he's proud of, and that he is no longer a baby. So he doesn't do baby things anymore like drink from a bottle, or pee in diapers, and he certainly shouldn't be throwing baby temper tantrums anymore either. And since he's a big boy now, and he knows better, from now on when he does throw a tantrum, the consequence is going to be (whatever you decide on). If he throws a toy and breaks it, it's going in the trash. If he breaks something of yours, he is going to need to pay for it. If he's the sensitive sort, add in that it really, really hurts Mommy's ears when he screams and cries, and it makes Mommy sad to see her big boy act like that. Emphasize to him that when he does this, he will be CHOOSING to have (whatever) happen. Leave it at that and move on to something fun together.
Then the next time he starts a tantrum, look at him and ask him whether he is going to stop it or not, because if he doesn't, he is CHOOSING xyz. Only tell him once. And if he keeps it up, act on your promise. You're giving him a sense of empowerment by reminding him that he is making the choice, but you are enforcing your authority by following through.
Consistency, consistency, consistency. Kids need and crave boundaries, and they will push further and further until they find them. Better that he find them now with your help than learning by natural consequences five or ten years down the road.
And it would help if Grandma would get on board, too, and give him some advance warning before pickup time... fifteen minutes til Mommy gets here, what do we need to do to get ready, what do you want to tell her about today, that kind of thing. Little kids do need routine, and some help with transitions.
Good luck!
ETA - As a mom of 4 & 7 year olds, I completely disagree that kids can't be reasoned with under six.0 -
OMG!!! You wanna talk about tantrums! I have a five year old that puts any kid to shame. I've had everything from books to cars, to food thrown at me. I've been kicked, slapped, punched, and bit. He even goes as far as hitting his teachers sometimes. We've done EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING! Time out chair, he throws it at you. Talk about your feelings by getting eye level I hope you have padding on. Take away his toys...LOL LOL LOL LOL we started throwing them away and he picked up the ones we didn't and threw them away himself! Go to bed without dinner? lol he doesn't care. No tv? fine I'll just throw a fit and punch you and if you still don't relent I'll scream until I turn blue and if you still don't I'll go back to hitting. Video games? Take them away and I'll bust the tv. I can't go somewhere? FINE after my fit and hitting you and screaming I'll attack my little brother. He'll hit his little brother for no reason so I spend 1/2 my day protecting his brother.
We've taken him to psychologists, Doctors, psychiatrists, pediatric specialists, case workers, sociologists, councilors you name it and they all come back glowing about how smart and sweet he is. He knows how to put on a good show and sometimes as long as things are going his way he is an angel. But just try to get him to do something he doesn't want and watch the sparks fly. Oh yeah and try spanking him and he will laugh at you and say "Not hard enough" Some kids there is just NO remedy and I'm sure people will say I just need to find what works. I was a middle school teacher. I know all the tricks I've tried them. Problem is he has a genius IQ level so he knows what triggers to push. He's not a sociopath and he won't hit people (other than his brother) for no reason. He just doesn't know how to deal with frustration. Ignoring him only makes it escalate. I know this isn't very helpful but I just wanted you to know your not alone! One thing that does work 'sometimes' is what I call prehappy. Pre-happy is when you tell your child how much you love them and appreciated them and how great they are when they are being good and then when they start windup you talk to them about how great of a day they have been having so far.
The triggers happy thoughts and sometimes can wind down a tantrum before it starts. Honestly with the fit about Grandma's the next time he throws a fit about wanting to go back I would take a day off work the next day and keep him home with me. Because taking him to Grandma's is only encouraging the behavior. Make him see that only positive behavior will result in positive results. Also if he is spending that much time at Grandma's he may need to spend time with you to remember who his primary caretaker is. He may feel like he is with Grandma more than you so therefore your authority is undermined especially if Grandma (as most are) is more lenient and more attentive to him.
Oh yeah I almost forgot we've cancelled Christmas before! He decided that (his favorite phrase) "I'm not going to listen to you!" and so on Christmas Eve instead of Santa bringing gifts he took them away. There were no presents under the tree for him. NONE! Oh man you would have thought a Christmas angel came down and touched our child after that action set in. For three weeks straight that child was PERFECT! Since then we've also TAKEN his birthday, Easter, and the fourth of July. He is able to earn them back through good behavior but he has learned that when mom and dad say they are going to do something they are gonna do it. It breaks my heart to do it but I would rather go through this than have something happen to him in the future because I didn't try.0 -
Sun 03/04/12 11:36 PMQUOTE:
OMG!!! I'm too old~school for all of ya'll! NONE of my 4 kids EVER had a temper tantrum! They knew what would happen!
How did they learn what was gonna happen?
When you have a connection with your children and tell them what behaviour is acceptable and what is not! They also respect their father, me and all in authority.:drinker: PS None of them have ever been in the office, jail and are highly respected and successful in our area!
With 4 kids? Either we have different ideas of what a tantrum is or maybe your kids are robots???
Hello there,
I am one of "Pamperedhen's" sons and my mother has been informing me of your interesting remark in regards to my temperment as a child up to today. I am pleased to inform you that I have not had a temper tantrum ever in my life. So, unless I am from an Isaac Asimov book, I am not autonomic or mechanical in any metallic way. I am human and have learned to control my mood through guidance of my mother. If you cannot believe that, then I am sorry for you. No disrespect, but whatever experience you've had with children is directly compounded by their parents relationship and guidance. Remarks like yours are what incite flame wars and are generally caustic and venomous. May I suggest you refrain from being on your computer when you are in a negative mood. The internet is not a place that you can just vent your frustrations.
Best of luck.
Joel0 -
I highly recommend you watch a few episodes of Supernanny, especially if you are unwilling to use corporal punishment as a tool.
By corporal punishment, I don't mean beat the crap out of your kids. However, we have had one hard and fast rule in our house that someone who does something that makes them a danger to other people or themselves can and will be spanked. It is a last resort for the most severe "crimes" but we are not afraid to use it if we must. Neither of my children have ever taken a swing at me and I know that they never will.
Because the rules are and were spelled out with follow-through from my husband and I, our kids are mostly well behaved. We still have some issues with our youngest with her temper tantrums and whining but she is slowly but surely getting away from it. We send her to her bedroom to scream to her heart's content. It is difficult sometimes but you have to let them scream when it comes to throwing fits. The child is not in control. You are.0 -
Dude girl, I feel for you.
My eldest was the master of the tantrum. This is what I found out to be the biggest mistake of time out. They have a full meltdown in time out, sit for a moment, and then leave. A little cleansing for them. What put a stop to my son doing that was I held him accountable for that time. I told him when I sat him down that the temper he was having was on his time. The time out did not start till after he was done. And for every minute he used having a squab he would owe me. First time I did that he tested it. So that was a full day of him having a fit, waiting a moment, then attempting to get up. Finding out he was not going to get up, and going into another squab. I did get all the laundry folded that day...very productive. Once he found out his time was wasted he stopped with the big fits. Oh, it took quite a few times. He was very stubborn. Put a headset on and pretend you don't hear him. That one is really hard if he can hit those notes! But try! Just keep an eye out for a runner.
Want to throw them for a serious loop! Look at them puzzled and shake your head and say ' what?....my ears can't hear you when you are to loud....they get to full of words and then I can't hear....I can't hear you if you yell...what?'. That will make them stop in their tracks...lol! They might try louder, but if you keep the confused look and act up they will get confused too. I remember when my daughter would get mad and stomp to her room. As she went into the hall I would yell from where I was 'Hey! Be sure and slam the door!'. She tells me now that made her so mad she was determined not to slam the door. Another thing that will confuse them? When they are throwing a squab I would draw a line around myself and tell them I made an invisible wall that blocks out their sound. Again..if you dedicate to it, it will work. Then tell him that once he talks low you might hear him. It is the look on the face once they buy what you are selling that is priceless.
Can you find a sub for a week? Going to grandmas should be the treat in itself. Grandma should tell him if he throws a temper he can't come back the next day. It's not mean. And then when he does throw the test fit, back it up and take him to the sub. Let him know before the fit what will happen,once he is done what is going to happen (if you could even pretend to call grandma and tell her he threw a fit so he can't come), and then before you drop him with the sub. Just know that if he is throwing this with you, he will probably be ugly at the subs. I would always tell my fam 'I would love to do.........., but YOU chose to throw a fit so you made the choice'. Before dropping him off at the sub tell him if he throws no fit he can go to grandmas the next day. You will even let him call her himself.
All of mine are grown. They have learned that they are the only one responsible for their actions, as well as the consequences if they make poor choices. Oh...and it has not hurt their psyche at all! These 3 people are not afraid to take a chance on what they want to do with their lives, or take on something challenging. They know they are loved. I have even had them come and thank me for the way I raised them.
I do feel for you! My oldest was a pill! Good luck!0
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