How do you help your brain catch up with the rest of you?

Bumping for later. Maybe later I'll have an idea to share, but for now I'm just hoping to piggyback and get some tips myself.

First off, you know I think you're absolutely gorgeous!

But I think it just takes time, and I think everyone has a warped perspective of how they look, for better or worse. I was thin most of my life, and when I gained weight, my mental image didn't catch up for a long time, and that didn't really hit me until I saw photos from this Halloween in the costume I wore last year. I realized, "I look NOW like I thought I looked then!"

It was weird... it made me think I have absolutely no idea what I really look like. My change wasn't nearly as dramatic as yours, but my mental image of myself is still about 15-20 pounds above what I am... somewhere between what I really weigh and what I weighed at my heaviest. Or on the other hand... maybe my mental image is dead on, but still so warped that I think it's off. I think I just made myself dizzy. :noway:

I don't have my success story yet, but I do have body issues. For ME, the thing that helps me feel good/better about myself is friends. My real life friends that I go out with, shopping, drinking, dancing, playing, trips, whatever. They tell me they envy my hair (my one vice), or we go out and have drinks/dinner and go dancing and we laugh and be silly. They don't let me wallow, at least not for long.

I don't know if this helps, but I would say to surround yourself with more people that make you laugh and encourage you and that you have fun with, at the gym, find a book club, something like that. If I lived closer,
I promise I would take you out and take your mind off all that, as often as I could! :bigsmile:

Okay, I've thought of something more helpful to say.

I'll preface with this. At 184 lbs I was only ever 17-ish lbs overweight at my heaviest. But a few months ago I went on mybodygallery.com and started clicking around. Even though I was at a healthy weight and wearing a size 8, I still identified my body as being most like the 5'8 women who were 200-215 lbs.

It was eye opening for me. I knew that my body image was skewed but I had no inkling of how skewed it was. My internal image of my body was 50 lbs heavier than I actually was. But how do you compete with something that incongruent?

I'm still fighting with this. I still go through periods where I feel horrible about my body. But the main thing that has been helping me lately is other people. Not in the form of compliments, but just being around and working out with other people. For me, taking a group fitness class has been an incredible boost to my self esteem. I see these other people --- other women --- moving and lifting and sweating and I realize: I'm just like them. They're amazing and beautiful. I am too. My body is just like their bodies. We may all be shaped differently --- I don't think anyone would mistake me for the 5'0 girl in my CrossFit class any day soon --- but we're all doing the same things.

So I don't know if you'll find this helpful, but even if you don't feel up to a group fitness class, start noticing other people's bodies at the gym. You're going to notice how beautiful all these people and their bodies are and, hopefully, start to realize that your body is just like theirs: capable and beautiful.

My therapist says, if you're hyper-focusing on a problem and you can't solve it, do something else! So, in your case, if you're focusing on your self esteem and how you are all the time, one solution is to take a step back and do something else. I like what Susie Q said...spend time in your life; but it sounds like you're also in the process of rebuilding your life and your support system. So, I am with Susie Q on joining a fitness class...I am a Zumba instructor and we ROCK OUT!!! It is a super-joy to see woman of all ages, shapes and sizes rocking out and LAUGHING together and having fun. And that way you will meet women who are like you!!! The other suggestion is to take up a sport where you have a goal, like training to run a 5K or even training for your very first sprint triathlon. There are many opportunities for beginner sprint triathlons (1/2 mile swim, 12 mile bike, 5K run) all over the US (although I don't actually know if you're in the US)...If you train for and then complete something like that you will be focused on the TRAINING...and then you will think that you are ALL THAT when you complete it!!! Good luck honey!!! I know you are having trouble seeing it but you are ALREADY a rock star!!!

I have a friend on here who's been on my FL for quite a while. She was getting put through the wringer by this guy and I couldn't figure it out. She was so bubbly and funny and totally cute in her profile picture. I wanted to be a man in my 20's so I could date her. And this idiot would string her along and flirt with her and then stand her up. I didn't get why she was so unsure if he liked her and meant to ask her out and then why she was so devasted when he stood her up and why she responded to him the way she did. Then I realized, she had lost a LOT of weight, maybe not as much as you, but to the point that she was used to being the friend and not the love interest. I think she said she'd never really dated because her weight, in her mind, had taken her off the market. But she kept getting out there and being involved in group activities and then doing the social stuff after it.

I know there's quite a few contributing factors, but can you carve out some time in your life where you'd be able to go do what you want to do where you might meet other people, including men? Can you spend some time and recieve compliments from real people. Get used to being out and having a good time? Your personality is also great and you are gorgeous. I can imagine that in the right location, you'd be picked up. But I don't think you realize that yet. Now maybe you're not ready to date, but if enough men complimented you, noticed you (and you had a friend to point it out when they notice you because you might not realize it), it might help get it through that you just plain look great. Not look great for someone who lost a bunch of weight, or looks great in a teeensy tiny profile pic, or looks great to her friends that don't really know her but talk to her here. You. Look. Great.

When I separated I wanted to go work at Coyote Ugly or something like that where 1) I'd be there because I was attractive and 2) I could take out all my pent up anger from years of horrible marriage on the customers and they'd eat it with a spoon ask for more and tip me well. Never did go work there, but I could see it could've done me some good. Take your rings off and go do something that makes you enthusiastic. I bet if you do it long enough and it isn't an estrogen-heavy crowd, you'll have a guy respond.

I hate that my advice is about having some man appreciate the visuals of what you've accomplished, but really, sometimes we don't believe it until people around us tell us enough. Random cute guy at the library would be a more "objective" source than those of us on here who love you for ALL you have to offer.

PP has some good ideas.
Make a list of your top 5 attributes (physical and or characteristics) and stick it to the mirror where you will read it every am and pm.

when i lost a 130lbs i felt the same way... i find looking at old pictures of urself helps u realize what u have achieved. also, u have to learn to love the person u are fat or thin before u can come to terms with weight loss or gain. keep urself focused on what u want fitness wise and keep on woking at that.

You sound a bit like me. I haven't really lost weight on the scale, but my body has changed a LOT. Every time I go shopping to get better fitting clothes, I have this incredible anxiety. I now judge shopping success not by a purchase but if I managed to not HATE one thing I tried on. I look at myself and tear apart everything. I'll feel good after a great workout, but then I get ready for the day and see a blemish on my face or some frizz in my hair and from there it all looks awful to me. And I can't seem to get over that. I wish I could offer some advice, because its horrible when you feel that way. And I can relate to not having many friends in real life. I moved and don't know anyone besides co-workers. And none of them are into working out or eating right, so there goes that support. I am training for my first half marathon soon, so I am trying to focus my energy into that and shut my brain off with the looks and focus on how I feel and how it will feel to accomplish a goal. If you don't have a goal, maybe make one. Something to put energy into that makes you feel good.
Good luck, and I hope you can see the beautiful woman in the mirror soon!

My therapist says, if you're hyper-focusing on a problem and you can't solve it, do something else! So, in your case, if you're focusing on your self esteem and how you are all the time, one solution is to take a step back and do something else. I like what Susie Q said...spend time in your life; but it sounds like you're also in the process of rebuilding your life and your support system. So, I am with Susie Q on joining a fitness class...I am a Zumba instructor and we ROCK OUT!!! It is a super-joy to see woman of all ages, shapes and sizes rocking out and LAUGHING together and having fun. And that way you will meet women who are like you!!! The other suggestion is to take up a sport where you have a goal, like training to run a 5K or even training for your very first sprint triathlon. There are many opportunities for beginner sprint triathlons (1/2 mile swim, 12 mile bike, 5K run) all over the US (although I don't actually know if you're in the US)...If you train for and then complete something like that you will be focused on the TRAINING...and then you will think that you are ALL THAT when you complete it!!! Good luck honey!!! I know you are having trouble seeing it but you are ALREADY a rock star!!!

I like those ideas... the problem is, I am already doing them. I go to Zumba regularly (and have for almost a year and a half) at a place with fabulous people, but I usually have to leave right after.
I am doing two mud runs next month, so I am working on that.
It's just hard because I *am* very confident about what I am capable of, but I have a really hard time not letting the superficial things that I hate about my appearance (the freckles, the pinks skin, the stretch marks, the loose skin on my tummy, and many other things) overshadow that.

I am right there with you, one thing that I do to help me is I carry around a picture of what I looked like before I started. It's easy to do now adays, I just keep a couple before pics on my cell phone. I do still feel like I am overweight even though I am gonna start training for a 1/2 marathon pretty soon. I have been told it could take your mind a year or two to catch up with your body.

I've always had a self esteem issue. One of the things I was told to do by a friend was to take 30 minutes aside each day and look at myself in the mirror, not look around or past my reflection, but really look at myself and try to see something different every day and appreciate the feature. Another was to make a list of everything I liked about myself physically and personality-wise and then make a list of what I didn't like. If the bad was longer than the good, I had to look at each bad and see if I could change it or if it was just me being critical and the point was to try and make the good list as long as possible and the bad list as short as possible.

That aside, you might want to check out Cognitive Thinking. It's something designed to make your thoughts more positive and to help you control your thoughts better so that you can catch yourself at every insult or negative thought and change it around. A lot of people I've seen in group therapy sessions who have had depression or self esteem issues have really helped themselves when they're introduced to it by the therapist.

Firstly – you are gorgeous! Really!
I have found affirmations to be helpful... when that negative voice starts telling me. You can't do that, or wear that or you’re not thin or good looking … I repeat a positive affirmation several times. Short powerful phrases, something meaningful to you.

“I am strong and beautiful”
“I am proud of myself”
“I am a winner”
“I love myself for who I am”
“I am confident and sexy”

Repeat them when you go to sleep, when you brush your teeth, when you are stuck in traffic, when you feel down on yourself.
I sometimes wear a fun colorful bracelet and when I catch a glimpse of it, it reminds me to repeat my affirmations. Our minds get used to negative thought patterns but these are habits that can be broken. Most of us at some point have self limiting beliefs, but with practice we replace those with liberating ones.
This is something that I struggle with and am still working on.

I also “practice” confidence by doing things I know I’m good at, in a public setting. Like the gym. I like how I do certain exercises the right way. Remember that confident feeling and try to harness it.

I too don't have many real life friends, most of them have moved out of the area..

Next time you go shopping, or out somewhere, you will, if you pay attention, see men noticing you. It means they think you are gorgeous! (feel free to ignore them... ) It's OK to know you are beautiful!

I also think that rewarding yourself with some professional photos, doing something or wearing something you love can be great for self esteem. When I reach my goal weight that's my plan.

Hmmm...I am not sure, but I think my "switch" flipped recently. Up until the other day, when people compliment me on my weight loss I usually feel a little embarrassed, but tell them thank you. Then they say, "you've worked so hard." And I say, "not that hard, I could have lost this weight in just 6 months if I had tried harder." You know the drill...but last Sunday at church a guy came up to me and said, "Mary Beth, you've just completely shrunk!" I am barely 5'-2" so my response was, "well, I'm not wearing heels today!" And he looked at me and said, "I was talking about your weight!" I think that this has shown me that I have begun to accept that I am no longer ashamed of how I look or how I looked before. I am happy with where I am, so much that my mind completely skipped over those thoughts!

Your brain will catch up, and I don't think you can force it. You are beautiful.