Should I help my friend lose weight?

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sarglava
sarglava Posts: 206 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
Here's the story. My friend is quite over weight. In high school (only about four years ago) she couldn't have weighed more than 120 pounds. After she was put on depression medication she gained about 100 pounds in a year. She has been trying to lose weight since then and has tried exercise, weight watchers, and has suggested going on diet pills. I refuse to let her go on diet pills. However, even though she says she "diets" and "works out" I know for a fact that she does not. When we go out she gets extra cheese sauce for her rice, french fries, macaroni and cheese, etc. She says she can't wait to get back to her weight at high school, but I know it's not going to happen with what she eats. She goes out to restaurants at least once a day, maybe twice a day.
So should I confront her? I'm not the diet goddess or anything, but I know what works and what doesn't. I feel like I could help her. Is it my business? Should I even say anything? I'm worried about her health.
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Replies

  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
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    You could say you are worried about her health, but don't bring up her eating habits. Don't help her lose weight (it won't work) but let her know you're concerned for her health. That might be the push she needs to get healthy.
  • trixirn
    trixirn Posts: 130 Member
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    I don't envy you. Has she asked for your assistance?
  • 0EmmeNicole0
    0EmmeNicole0 Posts: 180 Member
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    Idk, has she asked for your help? I know it's gotta be hard watching your friend be very unhealthy when you know she's unhappy with it. Perhaps you could invite her to eat with you or go grocery shopping with you. If she sees you making healthy choices maybe she'll decide to make them too.
  • Rockontoothpicks
    Rockontoothpicks Posts: 34
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    Unfortunately she will only take the steps to lose weight when she is ready. I know my girlfriend and myself spent many months wishing we were smaller (while dunking all sorts of fried meats into ranch dressing) until we decided finally to do something about our weight. We have lost a combined 51 pounds since January and feel so much better now.
    Just be supportive of your friend and hopefully your example will be motivation enough for her to change. Everyone knows what they have to do....we all just have different reasons and times to start our journey. Your friend is lucky that she has caring friends ready to help her like you
  • sarglava
    sarglava Posts: 206 Member
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    She hasn't asked. I try not to bring it up only because I know I'll start to nag. The least I've done is talk about how hard it's been for me and what I eat. I don't think she really gets it.
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
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    You should confront her but make it clear you will always be her friend.
    If she has gained this frm stress, she has issues you may not be able to help with.
  • peachNpunkin
    peachNpunkin Posts: 1,010 Member
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    Unfortunately she will only take the steps to lose weight when she is ready. I know my girlfriend and myself spent many months wishing we were smaller (while dunking all sorts of fried meats into ranch dressing) until we decided finally to do something about our weight. We have lost a combined 51 pounds since January and feel so much better now.
    Just be supportive of your friend and hopefully your example will be motivation enough for her to change. Everyone knows what they have to do....we all just have different reasons and times to start our journey. Your friend is lucky that she has caring friends ready to help her like you



    ^^^^^^
    This
  • trixirn
    trixirn Posts: 130 Member
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    Maybe you could suggest activities to do together that would be for exercise but you could pass off as a social thing.
  • MGibbs46
    MGibbs46 Posts: 18
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    Maybe you could challenge her? You yourself can join a challenge and then invite her to join you! Sometimes to have a friend do it with you will help you both be accountable, and keep you motivated :)
  • 2hungariangirls
    2hungariangirls Posts: 220
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    She's not ready. She won't lose or even keep it off until SHE decides she can do it. Just be a friend and be there for her when she decides for herself. It is hard. I'm watching most of my family in the exact same situation. I hear, "Oh, you've lost so much weight...etc. etc." But then they order the death by chocolate cake. I don't discuss what I'm doing unless they flat blank ask. I lost 25 lbs through hard work. But they aren't ready for the "hard work." GL to you!
  • waterwing
    waterwing Posts: 214 Member
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    Part of being a good friend is meeting her where she is at and being encouraging. Is she happy with the way things are or happy enough not to want to give up extra cheese? She needs to want it and be ready to make sacrifices and commitments and should get to that place on her own first.
    I am sure she knows that you could help her but to try without her approaching you.. could make things messy.

    Keep leading by example and when she's ready.. she'll know where to find you.
  • MercenaryNoetic26
    MercenaryNoetic26 Posts: 2,747 Member
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    The perfect time to confront her is when you're out eating and she's crying about her weight and stuffing cheese fries down her throat. I've found that many women just like to vent their sob stories, but take immediate offense when you break it down for them. They are typically the drama queens. The ones that want all the results without any blood, sweat or tears. Most of the time I keep my mouth shut and either laugh or put on the headphones (at work). If it's someone close like a BFF or sister. TELL her! Fo sho! Regardless of any negative reaction.
  • kamorgozo
    kamorgozo Posts: 34 Member
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    I wouldn't be aggressive about it, but you mentioned that she talks about how she'd like to get back to HS weight. Maybe next time she brings it up you can (casually yet seriously) offer to help her - make it sound like it's for your sake, "Maybe we could work on it together - I could sure use a buddy to keep me accountable!" Otherwise I wouldn't bring it up if she doesn't. I'm sure she's stressed about it and it won't help her or your friendship if she feels like she's being accused or attacked.
  • blondeboms
    blondeboms Posts: 73 Member
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    This is a tough one, I sympathise as i'm kind of in the same situation but my friend has asked me to help and i've given her advice but she just gives me excuses as to why she can't/wont eat right or exercise. I started by showing her this website and app in the hope she'd use it and start tracking but shes not interested. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
  • sarglava
    sarglava Posts: 206 Member
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    Thanks for the advice. I guess all I can do is support her with whatever she wants to do. It's her life.
  • kittymoney
    kittymoney Posts: 115 Member
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    wait until she is ready. i have a friend who wants to lose about 20 lbs, but there is nothing i can do about it. she is seeing my results and is starting to ask more questions and get involved with her choices. my husband is the same way - he cares yet does improve for a day or two and then back to doing the same old. i care about his health issues, but he tells me all i do is nag on him and that is not what i want. i want him to be with me for a long time. but until his is ready, he has to live by his choices in doing so. it is a hard feeling and thought to do, but we don't want to lose our friendships either. this way we are there when they are ready.
  • sarglava
    sarglava Posts: 206 Member
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    Yes, I definitely DO NOT want to be a nag.
  • GuruOnAMountain
    GuruOnAMountain Posts: 489 Member
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    Yeah, you want to be careful about how you handle it, especially if she's had problems with depression in the past. You don't want to end up killing the friendship and making her even more depressed then and more likely to overeat.

    She probably knows deep down that what she's eating isn't good but doesn't want to admit it either out loud or to herself.

    If she knows that you're on MFP and trying to be healthy, it might inspire her to start, too but it might just make her feel even more down about the fact that you're being healthy and she still can't find the motivation. Or you could try to get her doing exercise by suggesting you go swimming together or to a fitness class or something. You could even make it out that it is because you are too nervous to go yourself rather than saying outright that it is because of her.

    It's a tricky situation. :s
  • mdebbie1026
    mdebbie1026 Posts: 164 Member
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    You could tell her you are trying to lose some weight too, and suggest you go to a gym together or set times to go for walks, and as you spend more time together tell her about MFP and how it has helped you to see how many calories are in the foods you used to eat and loved. It is really hard to make good choices at a resturaunt, I have gone in with every intention of only getting this healthy dish or that or to cut my serving in half, well, rarely did I follow thru with my plan. Hope this helps... Whatever you do try not to nag. Also suggesting she get a medical work up too, tactfully, would be a good idea. Maybe there is a different med than what she is currently taking that does not have the weight gain side effect.

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  • suztheq
    suztheq Posts: 171
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    My mom is the same way. She needs to lose weight, she knows she needs to lose weight, she says she wants to lose weight, more than one doctor has told her she has to lose weight. Why hasn't she lost weight? She isn't ready to truly commit to it. She's all bark no bite at this point. When she's ready to make changes, she will. She's finally asking me for food and exercise pointers and is open to talking to a nutritionist (she has diet restrictions and allergies). Your friend sounds very similar. All bark and no bite. You can let her know that you are concerned about her because you are her friend, but it probably won't have any real affect on her. When she is ready, she'll let you know. Just keep being you and the rest will (hopefully) follow :smile:

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