Should I help my friend lose weight?

sarglava
sarglava Posts: 206 Member
edited November 12 in Health and Weight Loss
Here's the story. My friend is quite over weight. In high school (only about four years ago) she couldn't have weighed more than 120 pounds. After she was put on depression medication she gained about 100 pounds in a year. She has been trying to lose weight since then and has tried exercise, weight watchers, and has suggested going on diet pills. I refuse to let her go on diet pills. However, even though she says she "diets" and "works out" I know for a fact that she does not. When we go out she gets extra cheese sauce for her rice, french fries, macaroni and cheese, etc. She says she can't wait to get back to her weight at high school, but I know it's not going to happen with what she eats. She goes out to restaurants at least once a day, maybe twice a day.
So should I confront her? I'm not the diet goddess or anything, but I know what works and what doesn't. I feel like I could help her. Is it my business? Should I even say anything? I'm worried about her health.
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Replies

  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
    You could say you are worried about her health, but don't bring up her eating habits. Don't help her lose weight (it won't work) but let her know you're concerned for her health. That might be the push she needs to get healthy.
  • trixirn
    trixirn Posts: 130 Member
    I don't envy you. Has she asked for your assistance?
  • 0EmmeNicole0
    0EmmeNicole0 Posts: 180 Member
    Idk, has she asked for your help? I know it's gotta be hard watching your friend be very unhealthy when you know she's unhappy with it. Perhaps you could invite her to eat with you or go grocery shopping with you. If she sees you making healthy choices maybe she'll decide to make them too.
  • Unfortunately she will only take the steps to lose weight when she is ready. I know my girlfriend and myself spent many months wishing we were smaller (while dunking all sorts of fried meats into ranch dressing) until we decided finally to do something about our weight. We have lost a combined 51 pounds since January and feel so much better now.
    Just be supportive of your friend and hopefully your example will be motivation enough for her to change. Everyone knows what they have to do....we all just have different reasons and times to start our journey. Your friend is lucky that she has caring friends ready to help her like you
  • sarglava
    sarglava Posts: 206 Member
    She hasn't asked. I try not to bring it up only because I know I'll start to nag. The least I've done is talk about how hard it's been for me and what I eat. I don't think she really gets it.
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
    You should confront her but make it clear you will always be her friend.
    If she has gained this frm stress, she has issues you may not be able to help with.
  • peachNpunkin
    peachNpunkin Posts: 1,010 Member
    Unfortunately she will only take the steps to lose weight when she is ready. I know my girlfriend and myself spent many months wishing we were smaller (while dunking all sorts of fried meats into ranch dressing) until we decided finally to do something about our weight. We have lost a combined 51 pounds since January and feel so much better now.
    Just be supportive of your friend and hopefully your example will be motivation enough for her to change. Everyone knows what they have to do....we all just have different reasons and times to start our journey. Your friend is lucky that she has caring friends ready to help her like you



    ^^^^^^
    This
  • trixirn
    trixirn Posts: 130 Member
    Maybe you could suggest activities to do together that would be for exercise but you could pass off as a social thing.
  • MGibbs46
    MGibbs46 Posts: 18
    Maybe you could challenge her? You yourself can join a challenge and then invite her to join you! Sometimes to have a friend do it with you will help you both be accountable, and keep you motivated :)
  • She's not ready. She won't lose or even keep it off until SHE decides she can do it. Just be a friend and be there for her when she decides for herself. It is hard. I'm watching most of my family in the exact same situation. I hear, "Oh, you've lost so much weight...etc. etc." But then they order the death by chocolate cake. I don't discuss what I'm doing unless they flat blank ask. I lost 25 lbs through hard work. But they aren't ready for the "hard work." GL to you!
  • waterwing
    waterwing Posts: 214 Member
    Part of being a good friend is meeting her where she is at and being encouraging. Is she happy with the way things are or happy enough not to want to give up extra cheese? She needs to want it and be ready to make sacrifices and commitments and should get to that place on her own first.
    I am sure she knows that you could help her but to try without her approaching you.. could make things messy.

    Keep leading by example and when she's ready.. she'll know where to find you.
  • MercenaryNoetic26
    MercenaryNoetic26 Posts: 2,747 Member
    The perfect time to confront her is when you're out eating and she's crying about her weight and stuffing cheese fries down her throat. I've found that many women just like to vent their sob stories, but take immediate offense when you break it down for them. They are typically the drama queens. The ones that want all the results without any blood, sweat or tears. Most of the time I keep my mouth shut and either laugh or put on the headphones (at work). If it's someone close like a BFF or sister. TELL her! Fo sho! Regardless of any negative reaction.
  • kamorgozo
    kamorgozo Posts: 34 Member
    I wouldn't be aggressive about it, but you mentioned that she talks about how she'd like to get back to HS weight. Maybe next time she brings it up you can (casually yet seriously) offer to help her - make it sound like it's for your sake, "Maybe we could work on it together - I could sure use a buddy to keep me accountable!" Otherwise I wouldn't bring it up if she doesn't. I'm sure she's stressed about it and it won't help her or your friendship if she feels like she's being accused or attacked.
  • blondeboms
    blondeboms Posts: 73 Member
    This is a tough one, I sympathise as i'm kind of in the same situation but my friend has asked me to help and i've given her advice but she just gives me excuses as to why she can't/wont eat right or exercise. I started by showing her this website and app in the hope she'd use it and start tracking but shes not interested. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
  • sarglava
    sarglava Posts: 206 Member
    Thanks for the advice. I guess all I can do is support her with whatever she wants to do. It's her life.
  • kittymoney
    kittymoney Posts: 115 Member
    wait until she is ready. i have a friend who wants to lose about 20 lbs, but there is nothing i can do about it. she is seeing my results and is starting to ask more questions and get involved with her choices. my husband is the same way - he cares yet does improve for a day or two and then back to doing the same old. i care about his health issues, but he tells me all i do is nag on him and that is not what i want. i want him to be with me for a long time. but until his is ready, he has to live by his choices in doing so. it is a hard feeling and thought to do, but we don't want to lose our friendships either. this way we are there when they are ready.
  • sarglava
    sarglava Posts: 206 Member
    Yes, I definitely DO NOT want to be a nag.
  • GuruOnAMountain
    GuruOnAMountain Posts: 489 Member
    Yeah, you want to be careful about how you handle it, especially if she's had problems with depression in the past. You don't want to end up killing the friendship and making her even more depressed then and more likely to overeat.

    She probably knows deep down that what she's eating isn't good but doesn't want to admit it either out loud or to herself.

    If she knows that you're on MFP and trying to be healthy, it might inspire her to start, too but it might just make her feel even more down about the fact that you're being healthy and she still can't find the motivation. Or you could try to get her doing exercise by suggesting you go swimming together or to a fitness class or something. You could even make it out that it is because you are too nervous to go yourself rather than saying outright that it is because of her.

    It's a tricky situation. :s
  • mdebbie1026
    mdebbie1026 Posts: 164 Member
    You could tell her you are trying to lose some weight too, and suggest you go to a gym together or set times to go for walks, and as you spend more time together tell her about MFP and how it has helped you to see how many calories are in the foods you used to eat and loved. It is really hard to make good choices at a resturaunt, I have gone in with every intention of only getting this healthy dish or that or to cut my serving in half, well, rarely did I follow thru with my plan. Hope this helps... Whatever you do try not to nag. Also suggesting she get a medical work up too, tactfully, would be a good idea. Maybe there is a different med than what she is currently taking that does not have the weight gain side effect.

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  • suztheq
    suztheq Posts: 168 Member
    My mom is the same way. She needs to lose weight, she knows she needs to lose weight, she says she wants to lose weight, more than one doctor has told her she has to lose weight. Why hasn't she lost weight? She isn't ready to truly commit to it. She's all bark no bite at this point. When she's ready to make changes, she will. She's finally asking me for food and exercise pointers and is open to talking to a nutritionist (she has diet restrictions and allergies). Your friend sounds very similar. All bark and no bite. You can let her know that you are concerned about her because you are her friend, but it probably won't have any real affect on her. When she is ready, she'll let you know. Just keep being you and the rest will (hopefully) follow :smile:
  • Of course you shouldn't "confront" her. That's asking for a "confrontation, " which would probably just cause emotional distress for her and for your relationship, and that wouldn't help her get healthier. You said that she was on anti-depressants that caused the weight gain, so I doubt that her issues with food are as simple as ordering extra cheese sauce. It's an emotional issue. She doesn't need a lecture, so if you do decide to address the issue, keep everything positive. Remain positive whenever you're talking about nutrition or exercise - explain WHY you're making the choices your making and leave it be. But don't "confront."

    On the other hand, if she complains a lot about her weight, I would just ask her flat out if she wants your help to lose weight. That might open some doors to introduce her to a healthier lifestyle!

    :smile:
    Hang in there and keep being a good friend!
  • SunnyAndrsn
    SunnyAndrsn Posts: 369 Member
    Unfortunately she will only take the steps to lose weight when she is ready. I know my girlfriend and myself spent many months wishing we were smaller (while dunking all sorts of fried meats into ranch dressing) until we decided finally to do something about our weight. We have lost a combined 51 pounds since January and feel so much better now.
    Just be supportive of your friend and hopefully your example will be motivation enough for her to change. Everyone knows what they have to do....we all just have different reasons and times to start our journey. Your friend is lucky that she has caring friends ready to help her like you

    This x2. If I would have tried to lose weight for as long as I'd thought about it, I'd be at my goal weight by now. Also, I'm a lot like your friend, OP. I was a normal weight in high school, gained in college, a lot of it because of depression.

    I also have to laugh a little when you say you won't "let" your friend take diet pills. If she wants to, she will, and there is nothing you can do to stop her, just like there is nothing you can do to make her eat healthy and exercise.
  • dia77
    dia77 Posts: 410 Member
    if you say she is your friend- you should do somrthing for her. After all , what are friends for? I had the same situation with my friend and we start togheter on MFP..Everything was good for a while but after that life happened and both of us quit. I came back, she didn't. She told me she is not ready yet and I respect that. I told her I will be waiting for her and I try to remaind her , gently, that I am still doing it , even if I hit a plateau a month ago.
    If you consider yourself her friend , jut talk to her , but not in a critical way. More ike a friendly thing that you can do togheder.
  • DoingitWell
    DoingitWell Posts: 560 Member
    You are her friend. The best thing you can do is just model the healthy behavior. For example if you two are about to go out. Make a big deal about how you are going to eat before you leave so you know you are going to eat healthy to continue your weight loss. Also pack her snack too so she won't feel the need to eat out while you two are together.
  • AZKristi
    AZKristi Posts: 1,801 Member
    Unless you want her to become super defensive, I wouldn't recommend pointing out her nutritional naughtiness when she talks about getting back to high school weight. While we were in the process of gaining - nearly all of us knew why it was happening. It was because we were more food than our bodies required, duh! But, the reasons we eat are many fold and your friend is obviously struggling with these. To loose weight you don't have to know about the importance of diet and exercise, you actually have to have the motivation to change these aspects of your lifestyle.

    Perhaps next time she mentions wanting to get back to her high school weight, simply mention how important logging food has been on YOUR journey. Encourage her to keep a food diary. This is a concrete action she can take without having to confront some of the more difficult psychological issues associated with food/eating. Perhaps seeing what she puts in her body day after day, in black and white, can be the spark she needs to start making some changes.
  • sarglava
    sarglava Posts: 206 Member


    This x2. If I would have tried to lose weight for as long as I'd thought about it, I'd be at my goal weight by now. Also, I'm a lot like your friend, OP. I was a normal weight in high school, gained in college, a lot of it because of depression.

    I also have to laugh a little when you say you won't "let" your friend take diet pills. If she wants to, she will, and there is nothing you can do to stop her, just like there is nothing you can do to make her eat healthy and exercise.

    You're right. If she wants to she will. But diet pills are the one thing where I have no qualms about confrontation.
  • 1shauna1
    1shauna1 Posts: 993 Member
    I don't know, it's so easy to offend someone when talking about their weight. If she hasn't asked for your help, just be there for her and continue to set a good example. If she's still on the depression meds that could be hindering her progress too.
  • heidikat72
    heidikat72 Posts: 42 Member
    This is a tricky situation due to her depression. You don't want to alienate her. Many depression meds slow metabolism down too while making you very hungry which isn't helping with her eating choices. However there are depression meds that don't have that side effect. If you bring up the weight issue at all make sure you are doing it from a health stance and perhaps suggest she talk to her doctor about different meds - that is something she and doctor will have to work out as not every med works for everyone. I would definitely suggest encourage healthy activities to do when you get together - perhaps also pick restaurants that have mainly healthy eating options when you go out for meals together. As an extremely overweight person who has bouts of depression I can say the unhealthy eating and depression make a vicious cycle that feed off each other. I also know that when my "thin" friends would mention anything about me needing to lose weight, it just made me feel worse, even more inadequate and want to retreat and avoid them. It took a friend in the same situation as me and seeing her progress coupled with my doctor strongly urging me to have weight loss surgery that made me finally get my act together earlier this year to do this right and deal with my eating addiction so I don't have to have the surgery.
  • crogers9189
    crogers9189 Posts: 41 Member
    Through my life many people have tried to "help" me lose weight. I am going to be honest with you, it wont happen until she is ready. If you confront about her eating habits all she is gonna do is go somewhere and binge eat. I know this from experience. She will feel judged by you. And although you are not judging her that's how she will see it. I would suggest you try a fitness class and invite her along every time you go, eventually she will say yes. You could find healthy recipes and present them to her as something you tried and loved and not as "diet" food. Just bring little things up in conversation like "oh I tried the new exercise today, it was awesome let me show you it" I hope eventually your friend will accept your help but she is going to have to come to you for it. When she does come to you and wants to lose weight help her develop a plan, like focus on getting active first, walking or a group class or something and then after a few weeks focus on getting the eating right.

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  • I'd say that you should probably just lead by example...? She needs to decide to make the change on her own.
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