Never the girlfriend :'(
spyder_rose
Posts: 193 Member
So it appears yet another guy has screwed me over. I thought I was doing everything right. I don't sleep around. I don't even kiss on the first or second date. I wait until I am convinced that a guy is actually interested in me before I even consider allowing a situation to arise where a kiss could even happen. This could be anywhere between 2 weeks and 3 months... honest.
But it appears that's still not enough. Do guys really just hang around until they get what they want and then toss you aside like trash and move on to the next girl (who is generally a lot easier to get into bed than myself)? Even if "what they want" lasts for a few months... ?
I never seem to get to "girlfriend" stage. It's been years since anyone ever called me their girlfriend... And it dawned on me the only parents I have ever been introduced to were my high school boyfriends (who I wasn't even sleeping with) and only a handful of guys have introduced me to their mates.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong... or is it that there are no decent guys out there... or I just really do attract the wrong sorts?
This has really gotten me down. I've made myself feel ill in my stomach and I'm struggling to get back on board. I just want to crawl into a little ball and cry. Sadly, this is not possible.
But it appears that's still not enough. Do guys really just hang around until they get what they want and then toss you aside like trash and move on to the next girl (who is generally a lot easier to get into bed than myself)? Even if "what they want" lasts for a few months... ?
I never seem to get to "girlfriend" stage. It's been years since anyone ever called me their girlfriend... And it dawned on me the only parents I have ever been introduced to were my high school boyfriends (who I wasn't even sleeping with) and only a handful of guys have introduced me to their mates.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong... or is it that there are no decent guys out there... or I just really do attract the wrong sorts?
This has really gotten me down. I've made myself feel ill in my stomach and I'm struggling to get back on board. I just want to crawl into a little ball and cry. Sadly, this is not possible.
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Replies
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It could be the kind of guys you're attracted to. If anything id be glad to rid of the guys who aren't long term potential! You're gorgeous, don't feel down!0
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I dated A TON of boys and men before I met my husband at 26 and married at 30. If he's the right one, it's worth the wait (and he is). BUT you know he is opposite of all the kids of guys I ever dated so maybe you are attracted to a certain kind of guy that isn't stable relationship material. How old are you?0
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I feel similar, except I feel like I can't even get to the stage where anyone is even interested in me, or attracted to me.
So, I definitely don't think I'll be called "girlfriend" any time soon. 0 -
oh, you poor poor girl. You need to do more of a hook and bait. First, it sounds like your taste in guys sucks. Go find some good ones.
Then remember, we are guys. yes. that is all we think we want. If you want one, I mean a month for a kiss. You got to give away a little you know? Teasers, confidence, this is what men crave.
I'd let a few kisses out, you know, make one a really GOOD one, you know the type, If you can get it so that he is frustrated at the end of the night and butt scooting in the car seat, I'd say job well done. Then you have to just play the game.
be mysterious, that girl that every guy wants. He won't know what the heck is going on till he sees you walking down the isle in a white dress.
Then BAM, job over, simple huh?0 -
A lot of guys perceive no kissing within the first couple of dates to be an indicator of a lack of interest. I wonder if you are doing anything to assure them that you are interested in them. Guys don't like to hang around if they don't perceive things are going anywhere.
I have no idea how old you are, but dating is so much harder these days. Even harder than it was say 5-7 years ago. Why do you think people get married later today than 40 years ago? I'm 28 and single. That was unheard of 40 years ago.0 -
I understand what you're going through, sometimes I also think like that. But as they say it, its better to be alone than to be in a company of wrong people. Don't find love, love will find you. All it takes is a few more patience although its hard but that's how life is. Usually we get to meet the right one in unexpected situations0
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It could be the kind of guys you're attracted to. If anything id be glad to rid of the guys who aren't long term potential! You're gorgeous, don't feel down!
This0 -
Aw honey. Perhaps you do go for the wrong guys or perhaps you've just been unlucky but you will find a nice one eventually.
Maybe take some time off the dating scene. Deliberately tell yourself that you're wanting to be single for a while and AREN'T looking for a guy and just take time being yourself and enjoying that. Who knows, maybe your change in attitude might lead to the right guy walking into your life when you aren't even looking for him.
Or you could try seeing if your friends know any guys to hook you up with. Hopefully someone will know a genuine good guy.0 -
you got to do whats right for you, thr right guy will br the one who sticks around, but on the other hand from a male perspective if a guy goes to kiss you on the first date you say no - cool, 50/50 chance he will ask you out again. second date you say no, ok she is not interested, no sex, fine, but a kiss, if you like the dude at all kiss him, he will be more apt to make you a girlfriend because thats what your girlfriend does she kisses you!!0
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Try having fun with them. What you've described sounds like it involves too much thinking.0
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Hopefully that'll work...In case it doesn't it says:"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by *kitten*"
How does that relate, well, have you first confirmed the guys you've gone out with are not in fact *kitten*/douche's/jerks/etc?
It probably isn't that you are attracting the wrong guys, just it is a lot easier to come across the wrong ones!0 -
I was always in the friend zone with most of the guys I liked. It killed me! I wound up making the mistake of sleeping with a few of them and I am not proud. I say that you are doing the right thing for yourself by getting to know a guy before taking it further. A lot of men can't respect that (not all men) but the RIGHT person will come along for that very reason. I gave up after a while and then bam, I found a man who waited 2 months before we slept together and we just hit 3 years together. He was patient, waited on me to be comfortable and is mostly a big teddy bear. He treats me better than all of the guys I have been with.
My point is that sometimes it can be worth the wait, even when your heart breaks from the waiting and loneliness. Don't give up!0 -
Sounds like you are picking guys who are committophobes and/or coming off with an aire of desperation. Men can smell desperate women a mile away. Instead of looking to be "a girlfriend," try looking for someone you enjoy spending time with, that you care for, and who respects you the same way. Don't make it all about the title.
Patience is the name of the game when it comes to finding love. You have to be patient above all else, but you must also respect yourself enough to know that you deserve someone who is right for you, not just the next "boyfriend."0 -
haylz you are gorgeous. It's either bad luck, that you are attracted to guys who are not the boyfriend type or that the wrong guys are attracted to you. If it's the last of these, I've known this happen often to beautiful women with great personalities and a lot to offer who also have low self esteem. Wondering if this may be your problem, because if so it's fixable
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I'm so sorry you're feeling bad right now. Love is a tricky thing because it's something that will just happen when it happens, and it's hard to tell sometimes when it's going to be heartbreak and when it's going to be awesome. The good news is that there are are plenty of decent guys out there, and the more time goes on, the more likely it is that you'll meet one of them. Based on your profile pic, you look very pretty -- I've heard that pretty gals tend to attract a lot of *kitten* and intimidate the more decent fellows, though I'm not sure if that's true! Also, I'm not sure how old you are, but the ratio of decent guys to *kitten* seems to climb as age goes up. A lot of fellows (and a lot of gals, too, heh) take some time to get their priorities straight.
It may be worth taking an honest look at what you look for in a partner to see if it lines up with a "decent" fellow. For example, I have a few friends who are attracted to "bad boys" and then are surprised when they are bad partners as well -- not sure if that's something you can relate to or if that doesn't apply at all, but I have seen that pattern with some of my friends!0 -
I think you may be overthinking this. Be yourself and act the way you want to, rather than trying to anticipate how he thinks you should act.0
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[/img]0 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Sounds like you are picking guys who are committophobes and/or coming off with an aire of desperation. Men can smell desperate women a mile away. Instead of looking to be "a girlfriend," try looking for someone you enjoy spending time with, that you care for, and who respects you the same way. Don't make it all about the title.
Patience is the name of the game when it comes to finding love. You have to be patient above all else, but you must also respect yourself enough to know that you deserve someone who is right for you, not just the next "boyfriend."
^^ this. And, remember that guys that are the same age as you are going to be a little less mature. So maybe try finding an older guy?0 -
I feel similar, except I feel like I can't even get to the stage where anyone is even interested in me, or attracted to me. So, I definitely don't think I'll be called "girlfriend" any time soon.
snhamilton, also gorgeous - don't you give up either! Your guy is out there, believe it and you'll find him 0 -
I'm sorry things didn't work out with this guy. The only 'up' side is that there must be someone even better out there for you! :flowerforyou:
I feel your pain though. I am becoming convinced that I am going to never be with someone again. I am a single mommy of 4 kids, and am at home with them right now because the youngest is only 2.
It scares a lot of potential guys away, ...and that's fine because anyone who would be so quick to judge my character or 'intentions' is not someone I want to be with anyways
Despite that fact, ....the days I'm finding myself feeling lonely are growing in frequency. It sucks when 'the good ones' like us remain undiscovered, or aren't appreciated when we are.
Keep your chin up hun. Things happen for a reason, and we just have to believe it's for something better 0 -
I never played any games when I dated. I never had any rules like I have to wait this much time before kissing or this much time before sex. If I wanted to do those things, I'd just do them. If the guy is right for me, it wont matter if I made him wait 3 dates for sex or if I had sex with him right away. And I didn't worry about finding a boyfriend. I just dated and had fun! I ended up meeting my soul mate when I was 19.0
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Sorry for your situation...I've been single going on 3 years and I'm in the same boat. I'm about outta patience :grumble:0
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Times are changing and so are most people's expectations - without meaning to sound harsh or judgemental, because I genuinely applaud your attitude to relationships - are you sure you're not coming across as frigid, or hard to get? A lot of guys need some affirmation of your interest beyond speech and seeing you again - small touches, a kiss on the cheek.
We for the most part don't appreciate women who play games or give the impression of doing such. It's hard to judge without knowing the full story of how you handle the situation. But these are just things that you could consider.
By no means throw your morals aside for the sake of being somebodies girlfriend, but perhaps look at past experiences and see if there's some correlation between how you've acted over the course of X amount of dates, and see if there's a common result.
---
Signed 'Guy who was single (dated and dined, never went further) and withheld from sex for 22 years'.0 -
I probably should have put a few more details in...
I'm 26... he was 29. we "dated" (I use that term loosely - dinner, movies, sex after 3 weeks, etc.) for 8 months... He then goes and gets a girlfriend a day later. So clearly he wasn't fully commitment phobe... just Hayley-phobe..
Guy before him was over 2 years ago (we were together 6 months)... and he also not commitment phobe... rather the opposite. He got married to someone else whilst we were together (and no, I wasn't frigid around him)...
Guy before that was my high school boyfriend of 5 years.
I have dated all different types.. to the point that I have NO type. I have dated tradies, Defence guys, nerds, unemployed, professional, sportsmen (footballers/swimmers), PTs... My friends have even set me up with their mates... the awkwardness of the fact that they were dating 2 girls at the one time... chose the other girl over me and the friendship with my friend disappeared as well.
I went 2 years completely single.. no dates, no nothing... My friends were concerned and set up me for some internet dating (disastrous)... I did a radio single competition (Tradie for a Lady)... got a few dates out of that, but they were all just there for the money (okay, so was I really haha)... I've been to single nights... but honestly, it appears that people who are looking for a relationship are completely NOT looking for a relationship or are just so entirely not attractive to me (or vice versa) that it's not funny... or it has now gotten to the point where it is actually funny.
I'm a professional careerwoman (profile photo doesn't really show that), successful and independent. The last time a guy asked me for my number I was 15 (11 years ago)... I have GIVEN my number to guys I've met out randomly, and they've always called me, and we've always dated, but it appears they are just not ready for something serious...
I've dated guys from 7 years younger (don't judge) to 4 years older. And still nothing... Any older than this and they guy tends to be wrinkly and looks like a paedophile next to me (as I look a lot younger than my age at the best of times)...
My friends say I have just had bad luck and meet complete idiots... cos apparently to them, I'm a "great catch and any guy would be lucky to have me"... but I don't think guys see me the same way... they just see blonde curls, blue eyes and big boobs.
I really do think I am the problem, and it's not entirely the guys. It appears I am the "girl before the one"... or actually, more accurately, the "girl WHEN you find the one"...
PS> honestly, I have been told I could write a Best Seller with some of the horror stories I have with guys. Yet, some of my best guy mates have the same issues with girls doing the dirty on them....
Sigh.
Thanks for your support and suggestions but...0 -
I think I have to agree with your friends, despite your doubts and you need to bear in mind that a lot of men are intimidated by careerwomen, and others still don't feel the pull to commit to someone who possibly puts their job first. You will eventually find the right person for you, but it's not something that can be forced. Keep your chin up, ooze confidence and don't exude negativity and it will happen. Focus on you. You are more than someone's girlfriend.0
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Aww "you are more than someone's girlfriend"... That's so true... I am ME...
Thanks... Fingers crossed my prince charming finds me...0 -
I think you've fallen in love with the idea of falling in love.0
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I think it may be the guys you date. Do you discuss values, goals, and interest before you get "serious" with them? This is not a criticism, but I think you just had to get to know these men before jumping in. Maybe a long courtship or dating a while before sex? Just suggestions....0
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Not sure you read the whole thing... I don't jump into sex or anything... apparently some people think THAT could be the problem.
I always date and get to know the guys... and clearly the topic of future does come up and that's always discussed also... If we dont' have a similar view then I don't continue dating them... by choice... but it appears the guys I would like something further with, whilst they SAY what they want in the future, it's clearly a lie. Or just they don't want it with ME.
I have been described as high maintenance which I think could be an issue... I don't think I'm high maintenance. Everything I have is from hard work, sacrifice and dedication and I prefer quality over quantity (but in some cases, I have quality AND quantity) and I guess that could come across scary for guys...0 -
And I am beginning to think that love actually does not exist. Just lust.0
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