Never the girlfriend :'(

13

Replies

  • Chairless
    Chairless Posts: 583 Member
    Anyone who lets you go is an idiot, barring any undisclosed psychotic behaviour.

    Dont give up on the idea of love, just be you, do what you enjoy and the right person will come along eventually, or at very least a few near misses.

    Love is the best thing in life and the worst, it can either make you or break you so dont chase it, its one of those things that just happens or doesnt.
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
    Simple.
    You are picking the wrong guys.
    You are picking guys that don't want to commit at this point in life.

    If you are young, then don't worry, things will happen.
    If you are older(after college), then find a different place to meet guys.
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
    Sadly, I look really young... often I'm mistaken for a highschooler.. but I'm 26.. I'm only petite though as well, which doesn't help... haha... Maybe this is also an issue for me. I don't look my age...

    Ok change of plan. Post in forums your looking for a guy. I'm sure something will turn up.

    pedo_bear_trap.jpg
  • BettyBeth14
    BettyBeth14 Posts: 171 Member
    I was the same as you for years....(sorry if that doesnt sound too good) I would wait to sleep with a guy, then I would sleep with them early on, neither every seemed to work for me. I was never introduiced to parents OR mates.

    Then in Jan 2011 I decided to say sod it, I was getting used by blokes, so I was gonna use right back. I follwed 7 rules, the most important being "Be Bulletproof, but fake it if you have to" No matter how hurt I got, I never showed it, soon it became that I wasnt faking it anymore. I made sure my nights were filled with friedns, wheterh it was ont or a night in, and slowly realised I was fine being on my own.

    Then totally out of the blue, I went ot my aunties xmas party and met my current BF. I can't even say I noticed him, his sis in law - who I knew anyway - asked me about him, and I said honestly, im not lookign to date right now. He messaged me the next day and 4 months on, Im happier than ever.

    Sometimes I think you just need to be happy and able to be on your own and it happens when you least expect it :-) xx
  • ChubbyStudent25
    ChubbyStudent25 Posts: 74
    Sorry if this sounds rude but if I dated someone for over a month and they didn't kiss me I would be thinking man what a cold ***** I'm done wasting my time.
  • kvissy
    kvissy Posts: 205 Member
    First things first: Stop assuming that every guy you go on a date with is boyfriend material (for you). In reality, VERY few of them are going to be the kind of man with whom you could have a healthy, happy relationship. If you try to fit every guy who asks you out into that mold, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

    Secondly, if you want to be in a relationship and not forever be some guy's "Plan B" (i.e. the girl he calls only when his other plans fall through), you have to make a clear distinction between "dating" and "hanging out." If he makes plans with you in advance, picks you up, takes you out, pays for dinner, etc., he's dating you. If he calls you at the last minute, asks you to meet him somewhere, expects you to pay, etc., he is just hanging out with you, and he will never call you his girlfriend. You're just someone he'll spend time with once a month when he has nothing better to do.

    But you have to do your part, too. You are not a teenager; you're a grown woman, so this "I can't kiss a guy till at least the third date" stuff has to stop. Let me be clear that you do not owe a man a kiss just because he took you to dinner. I completely understand not wanting to kiss someone you just met, even if you are attracted to him. If it doesn't come naturally, don't force it. But if it doesn't come naturally by the end of the second date, that should be your clue to move on. No self-respecting man is going to happily skip along through the dating process with a woman who won't even kiss him, and if you aren't DYING to kiss him pretty soon after meeting him, then he isn't the one for you. So it's not always that he is putting you in the friend zone; it's usually that you're not really into him, but you're trying to force a relationship to happen because you don't want to be alone.

    Also, the "men are intimidated by me because I'm successful and independent" thing is crap. Grown men are not intimidated by women who have ambition and a solid work ethic. They're just not particularly attracted to women who brag about their success, have made their jobs the center of their universe, and take pleasure in showing men that they aren't needed for anything but occasional sperm donation. Men look at women like that the same way women look at men who walk around with "I'm in love with my Maserati. I just want you for sex" tattooed on their foreheads.

    Big fan of the post above!

    Anyway...I'm in your boat as well and am unsure as to what the problem is. I know when a guy is wrong for me and I get out as quick as possible, but when I find a guy that's right for me and they drop me its beyond painful and confusing especially when the reason isn't clear. Needless to say its a blessing in disguise because who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them? There really isn't much more to do than wait for Mr. Right wherever he may be. In our situation I find that settling should never be an option. Everyone deserves to be happy and forcing it is just the wrong way to go about it.

    Anyway, good luck. There is someone that will be a match for your heart and personality.
  • JLA1121
    JLA1121 Posts: 8
    Just speaking from personal experience, i never really had a strict rule on when to kiss, or anything else for that matter . I did what I felt comfortable doing, never anything more than a kiss on the first date though. I also met my husband just as I was wondering how you know when you find someone who is the right one for you. I guess timing is everything! We've been married for 21 years now.
  • Tmdesir
    Tmdesir Posts: 68 Member
    Sometimes you have to kiss a bunch of frogs before you find your prince. Hang in there, he'll find you:smile:
  • jackpotclown
    jackpotclown Posts: 3,275 Member
    thWaiting-for-Mr-Right_298x187.jpg
    Honestly dating is a crazy scene, but when you do find the right one, it will come together much easier than this. Then all the nuisances that you went through to get there won't be so significant. Keep your head up!
  • Captain_Tightpants
    Captain_Tightpants Posts: 2,215 Member
    Could be the kind of guys you're into. Tip: pick someone up at a comic book convention instead, you'll probably be treated like a queen for the rest of your life. :drinker:
  • Ric19k
    Ric19k Posts: 35
    And I am beginning to think that love actually does not exist. Just lust.

    Love does exist your time will come dont you worry about that ;)
    With a pretty face like that guys should be lining up for you ;)
  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
    There's more to being girlfriend material than holding out on physical contact.

    Been with my boyfriend for seven years and we slept together the second time we met.

    There are so many factors that go into attraction and relationships that it's not a simple answer. I don't know enough about you to tell what the problem is, but it could very well just be you're attracting the wrong guys for some reason.

    Agree x 100. Sometimes you just know when someone is genuine, and they won't up-and-leave because you slept with them.
  • ojell
    ojell Posts: 748 Member
    It could be the kind of guys you're attracted to. If anything id be glad to rid of the guys who aren't long term potential! You're gorgeous, don't feel down!

    I have to agree.

    I have this saaaaame problem. I feel like most of the guys I'm attracted to just want sex, and the potential "good guys" that won't just use me don't appeal to me. It's sick really, but I just stay away from guys these days. I'm trying to work on me right now and build my self-worth so that maybe I'll appreciate a real man who will love me for me. If I found him right now, I'd probably mess it up anyway, so I'll fix me first. ;) lol

    Don't let these dudes get you down. There are plenty more out there where he came from. Love you first! The right one will come along. Trust me I know it sucks waiting, but we just have to be patient.
  • Z_I_L_L_A
    Z_I_L_L_A Posts: 2,399 Member
    A lot of guys perceive no kissing within the first couple of dates to be an indicator of a lack of interest. I wonder if you are doing anything to assure them that you are interested in them. Guys don't like to hang around if they don't perceive things are going anywhere.

    I have no idea how old you are, but dating is so much harder these days. Even harder than it was say 5-7 years ago. Why do you think people get married later today than 40 years ago? I'm 28 and single. That was unheard of 40 years ago.

    This^
  • perrytyra
    perrytyra Posts: 357 Member
    I disagree that it is wrong to have rules for when you kiss, etc... Plenty of people have them. And it works for them. I am not going to tell you that you should or shouldn't. I have been married for a long time, so I don't have to worry about that now, but based on my value system, if I was starting over, I would have strict rules on that. And if they guy didn't like my rules, then that wouldn't be the guy for me.

    Other people don't worry about that, and it probably works for them.

    Just focus on enjoying life. Enjoy work, friends and family. The guy for you will come along eventually.

    I understand that my advice may seem easy for me, since I have had my man since I was 20.
  • slay0r
    slay0r Posts: 669 Member
    As a guy close enough to your age, that's been in similar situations and is moderately attractive (meh gotta have some confidence for these things) . I can understand what you're feeling even if it's from a different sex. I've had the same thing with girls doing it to me, people just seem to be less interested these days in defining things or committing to anything. I don't think your approach is very wrong at all. I'd say your values are commendable in todays society, it's just a shame what you've got to put up with.

    Knowing myself though, I know there's much better guys out there than the ones you've described. You've just had a bad experience or two (we all have I think) the thing that defines you now is how you react to it, you can act like it gets to you and be seen as more desperate in a way and "looking" for love, or you can gather some confidence and not allow this kind of thing to happen again. The only thing I'd change is the kissing. Personally if a girl didn't kiss me for over a month or something I'd think she wasn't interested in me or at the very least wasn't wanting anything at that particular time, I'd feel like I was in the friendzone (could get seen as icy) which would explain the whole dissappearing into a new relationship, because they saw you as casual because you didn't come across as completely interested. Just means they've found someone they think they can be super serious with. I'd make it clearer what I wanted from the off in a way (just show your interest a bit sooner that's all it's not a criticism) Also add in what some of the people said about being mysterious etc :p nothing like driving us wild, trust me it works and it works big!

    You'll find someone trust me and you'll knock them off their feet that much they'll be the one doing the running around, just trust! :)

    ALSO: Don't overthink things, I don't agree there should be rules, I'm all about being spontaneous so that's the opposite of what I'd want. I go with the flow and see where it takes me it's so much more fun and things are so much less complicated because you don't end up overthinking things. If you feel like kissing him, kiss him.. that's the point! ^_^ The feelings you get from this kind of thing and letting yourself go is incredible, try it sometime..can't be any worse than the current experiences!
  • Sarahbara76
    Sarahbara76 Posts: 601 Member
    I am demanding now and (I was always rebound girl before I changed my attitude) I tell them "Look your never gonna find another girl like me and if your OK with that then we might as well be just friends" and now my last two guys who started off as me being rebound for their last failed relationship are in love with me LOL. I picked the guy I am with now because he is sweet and caring and dependable. But finally I had my choice!
  • WannabeSexyBexy
    WannabeSexyBexy Posts: 104
    Don't let any guy feel like this hun, the ones that you have met have obviously been complete idiots. Stop thinking too much, enjoy life and smile lots and I'm sure it won't be long until you meet someone worthy of you :)
  • MissPiggyWiggy
    MissPiggyWiggy Posts: 45 Member
    Some Advice
    Firstly you wont find a nice boyfriend online, ever.
    Your soulmate (for a decent guy) will come along when you least expect it.
    Why dont you ask a guy out? make sure hes worth it though.
    Avoid over flirts, they loved themselfs more than you and trust me when i say you are not the only one he is flirting with.
    Avoid men with girlfriends already, if he cheats on her, he'll most likely cheat on you if you get with him.
    Be yourself
    Never chase a man, if he likes you, he'll show it
    If his convo is 90% sex talk, delete him out your phone, email and life
    They are decent guys out there and douchbags you just have to find out which one he is, how do you find that out? well simple, how does he make you feel all the time? if hes hot then cold and talks to you when hes horny hes a douchbag. If he calls and sees how you are and asks about you day he could be a keeper.
    A man who makes you laugh, I fond this the most sexiest thing in a man
    Be happy with yourself, you dont need a man to make you happy
    The more you look and want a man to be a boyfriend, the more your push him away
    Men loved woman who can look after themselfs, make descisions, Being sexy in their own skin, kind and caring and most of all funny. A hot woman who makes a man laugh and makes a good sandwich is all they need lol

    Plus can i add, you are such a pretty girl, you really are. Your worrying about nothing. Just relax
  • MissPiggyWiggy
    MissPiggyWiggy Posts: 45 Member
    :)
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Some Advice
    Firstly you wont find a nice boyfriend online, ever.

    I don't think it's necessarily the norm, but two of my friends are married to men they met online who are absolutely lovely, wonderful people. And, really, I consider their husbands friends, as well.
  • lysa4
    lysa4 Posts: 31 Member

    A man who makes you laugh, I fond this the most sexiest thing in a man

    Totally agree!!
  • jedibunny
    jedibunny Posts: 321
    I will tell you honestly I've been in more "serious" relationships than I want to admit - and it's usually because I let my feelings get out of hand and things started too fast... which caused dependency issues. Thus the "serious" in quotes. It would be great for a while and then fade out, lead to jealousy issues, etc. Never good.

    Then I met my beau -- long-distance via a video game, of all things. We became fast friends. The we became best friends. Now we live together, a year and a half later, and we're planning to marry. What was the difference? We were FRIENDS first! That whole "friendzone" chart that someone posted is funny, but also partially true... in my case, best friends became infatuated and moved from "friendzone" to the little heart in the middle that combines friends with soul mates with lovers. The relationship took off before we even had a chance to kiss. Once we met in person it was as though we'd always been together. Of course there have been problems (there are in every relationship), but the important part is that we know we're in this for the long haul and we have that comfort because we had that friendship before we became physically involved. It's so hard to do that when you're actively seeking a relationship. I wasn't.

    And to the person who said you won't find a nice boyfriend online: I might agree with you when it comes to dating sites, but I absolutely disagree with you when it comes to spending time online/in-game with a group of likeminded people. Five couples I know not including me and my boyfriend got together via games we were playing, and three of those couples are now very happily married. We're going to be the fourth. We all became friends first, enjoy doing the same sorts of things, and love spending time with each other... "online" relationships can and do work if you're serious about them and if you aren't actively seeking to "date," but to get to know people.
  • Captain_Tightpants
    Captain_Tightpants Posts: 2,215 Member
    Firstly you wont find a nice boyfriend online, ever.

    I think (at least I hope) my wife would disagree with that.
  • cristileigh
    cristileigh Posts: 158 Member
    I think you may be overthinking this. Be yourself and act the way you want to, rather than trying to anticipate how he thinks you should act.

    Agree!!
  • Vermilla
    Vermilla Posts: 348
    I didn't read this entire thread since it's so long so pardon me if I repeat anything.

    It's good for a girl to have some self-respect but denying a guy any affection at all basically just makes you a tease. Guys, no matter how mature they are, need that reassurance. I'm not saying all men or all women are the same, but for a good bit of us, the women need an emotional reminder (saying "I love you" or bringing home a present for no reason) while the men need a physical reminder. I'm not saying jump in bed the day you meet him but maybe you are being cold to them without even realizing it, therefore placing yourself in the "eternal best friend, never the girlfriend" spot.

    Then again, I likely don't know what I'm talking about anyway. I've tend to stay away from guys now because within a week of me knowing a guy, they're screwing one or multiple other women and then telling me it's their "right" since we aren't married yet. So I don't count them as boyfriends anyway.:grumble:

    EDIT: Remember, it's not just about finding the right guy for you, but also about being the right girl for them.
  • tonilizzy88
    tonilizzy88 Posts: 920 Member
    honestly the nbest advice i can give you is stop looking.

    when i was in uni all my mates had boyfriends and i was the only one who didnt (i was the fat friend) anyways i was always looking and when i left uni i gave up looking for a man and concentrated on my job serching and getting my life in order......2 months later i met my boyfriend who ive been with for 2 years now

    im sure us girls off a vibe that sais i WANT to be in a relationship and it scares the men off. when we are not looking we must come accross as confident and not desprate.

    hope this helps
    x
  • jedibunny
    jedibunny Posts: 321
    honestly the nbest advice i can give you is stop looking.

    ^^^ this.
  • lour441
    lour441 Posts: 543 Member
    You are young. The right person will come along eventually. If not, you can always get cats.
  • Kerri_is_so_very
    Kerri_is_so_very Posts: 999 Member
    You are young. The right person will come along eventually. If not, you can always get cats.

    LOL Sounds about right....here kitty kitty!!!
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