Never the girlfriend :'(

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Replies

  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
    I disagree that it is wrong to have rules for when you kiss, etc... Plenty of people have them. And it works for them.

    My more readily affectionate friends and I have about the same number of dates and breakups. So taking your time physically is not the only issue in my opinion.

    Nor is "you only date the wrong guys" as many people told OP. I will pretty much grant at least one date to anyone who asks, and I attract a wide variety of personalities. I've gone out with a handful of really great guys, but unfortunately, most of them really are looking for sex, or they're looking for a woman who will cook, clean, do errands, have sex, and put up with him being a jerk without regard for how she's treated or whether or not her needs have been met.

    That said, I have a lot of really great guy friends so maybe we should have some of you single ladies come visit my next church singles function, lol.
  • Reka2011
    Reka2011 Posts: 134 Member
    I agree, you are not alone!
  • Reka2011
    Reka2011 Posts: 134 Member
    I disagree that it is wrong to have rules for when you kiss, etc... Plenty of people have them. And it works for them.

    My more readily affectionate friends and I have about the same number of dates and breakups. So taking your time physically is not the only issue in my opinion.

    Nor is "you only date the wrong guys" as many people told OP. I will pretty much grant at least one date to anyone who asks, and I attract a wide variety of personalities. I've gone out with a handful of really great guys, but unfortunately, most of them really are looking for sex, or they're looking for a woman who will cook, clean, do errands, have sex, and put up with him being a jerk without regard for how she's treated or whether or not her needs have been met.

    That said, I have a lot of really great guy friends so maybe we should have some of you single ladies come visit my next church singles function, lol.


    And where exactly is your church?!?! :-)
  • _Bob_
    _Bob_ Posts: 1,487 Member
    Reading this made me feel like crap. I was dating a girl that looks a lot like you do and her parents loved me and we had a lot of fun. we worked together and hung out a lot. we never got serious because I had given up on women and was just dating different girls for fun. and when I say fun I mean doing fun things not for sex. me and this girl started to get serious and then... BAM I met my wife and everything changed.

    It makes me feel like an *kitten* for just vanishing on this girl. we were always together and then one day we weren't anymore. she didn't believe me when I got married because I eloped. she kept asking me to come over after work because she missed me but I never wood because I will never be that guy. poor girl :( I really hope she's happy now it's been 12 years but I still feel bad.

    I truly do believe that someday it will happen for you just probably not when you want it to.
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
    And where exactly is your church?!?! :-)

    haha, I'm in Shreveport Louisiana. Lots of great guys. Unfortunately, they're all about 15 years older or 15 years younger than me :-(
  • spyder_rose
    spyder_rose Posts: 193 Member
    Thanks guys... I know I'm still young and I know it will happen when it's meant to happen. Just frustrating I guess... And I'm allergic to cat hair, so that rules that one out ;) haha...
  • logicandlove
    logicandlove Posts: 191 Member
    I didn't read this entire thread since it's so long so pardon me if I repeat anything.

    It's good for a girl to have some self-respect but denying a guy any affection at all basically just makes you a tease. Guys, no matter how mature they are, need that reassurance. I'm not saying all men or all women are the same, but for a good bit of us, the women need an emotional reminder (saying "I love you" or bringing home a present for no reason) while the men need a physical reminder. I'm not saying jump in bed the day you meet him but maybe you are being cold to them without even realizing it, therefore placing yourself in the "eternal best friend, never the girlfriend" spot.

    Basically, I was about to say this. While I understand waiting for a while to become sexually involved with someone (I'm the same way) being completely distant can make you come off as uninterested, too. We live in a crazy, slut-shaming and puritanical society where you're told that women are easy and have no self respect if they don't treat themselves like Fort Knox. I don't know how to say this without coming off as judgmental, because I'm truly not judging here, but don't feel that you have to act a certain way just because you've been telling yourself that forever.

    That being said, I don't know how old you are, but don't feel like your life is over just because it's late to start. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 19, but I'm in my fifth relationship now, and I've learned from every single one of them, and I don't regret a single decision I've made. Hang in there, and you'll find what's right for you.
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    Thanks guys... I know I'm still young and I know it will happen when it's meant to happen. Just frustrating I guess... And I'm allergic to cat hair, so that rules that one out ;) haha...
    Dogs are for cool people anyway.
  • slay0r
    slay0r Posts: 669 Member
    Thanks guys... I know I'm still young and I know it will happen when it's meant to happen. Just frustrating I guess... And I'm allergic to cat hair, so that rules that one out ;) haha...

    Least you have time on your side :) The fact is you'll meet someone soon enough that will knock you off your feet and all of these people will pale into insignificance.

    Speaking from experience on the matter again though. I went through a phase like these guys your seeing have of seeing people but not allowing it to get serious in any kind of way. I did it for a few months but you meet someone that makes you completely snap out of that. Or at least that's what happened to me anyway, most of that was meaningless or close to meaningless while as soon as I found someone that I thought was much better I couldn't go back and felt myself missing her etc, soon as that happens you're hooked! :)

    So basically you need someone that will fall that much for you that they don't care how much they see you or how often they kiss you etc, it will all just be natural :)
  • Natx83
    Natx83 Posts: 1,298 Member
    So have their been any developments?
  • spyder_rose
    spyder_rose Posts: 193 Member
    So have their been any developments?

    Apart from mr wanker texting me an apology to which I ignored??

    You tell me :p
  • DQMD
    DQMD Posts: 193
    Don't feel bad. The guy that I was dating decided to go back with his ex2be for the 6th time. She has left him 5 other times for different men and yet keeps comping back for more. This is the 2nd time he has done this to me and the last. IF he wants to get back with me, he will have to work at it. He needs to have his divorce decree for one. Two..he has to put forth more effort than before. I am NOT Plan B and have to much self respect for someone to treat me like that.

    Saturday I allowed myself to cry and feel sorry for myself. Saturday night I was out with friends...Last night I went out again and was cracking up laughing. I am not going to try and even meet someone right now. I have to much in my life to deal with men who can't put me first. I am a good catch also. I have a fantastic career, making a great income, active, have my own interests and kind of cute to boot. I refuse to be a treated like a doormat.
  • marieautumn
    marieautumn Posts: 928 Member
    maybe you are dating the wrong kinds of guys. I've always found men are pretty easy to read and more or less honest. if they say they arent interested in a relationship, then they arent. if they are interested they will ask you out, if they stop asking you out, its because they arent interested. Dont take it too hard, just keep it moving. It doesnt mean they are bad people, it just means you two werent right for each other.
  • sculley
    sculley Posts: 2,012 Member
    Oh hunny I am sorry... I dont envy you... I hated the dated scene I always attracted the jerks that were the same way. Honestly after a bad marriage/divorce I gave up then found my first love again and got married and although it hasnt been perfect I am thankful...I was not looking for it, hopefully that can be some sort of advice to you. Work on your become confident and happy with you and dont look who knows you might just find him...It always seems to happen when your not looking.

    (sorry for rambling on)
  • minime2b
    minime2b Posts: 168
    A lot of guys perceive no kissing within the first couple of dates to be an indicator of a lack of interest. I wonder if you are doing anything to assure them that you are interested in them. Guys don't like to hang around if they don't perceive things are going anywhere.

    I have no idea how old you are, but dating is so much harder these days. Even harder than it was say 5-7 years ago. Why do you think people get married later today than 40 years ago? I'm 28 and single. That was unheard of 40 years ago.


    (This)
  • jeepwidow01
    jeepwidow01 Posts: 173
    So it appears yet another guy has screwed me over. I thought I was doing everything right. I don't sleep around. I don't even kiss on the first or second date. I wait until I am convinced that a guy is actually interested in me before I even consider allowing a situation to arise where a kiss could even happen. This could be anywhere between 2 weeks and 3 months... honest.

    But it appears that's still not enough. Do guys really just hang around until they get what they want and then toss you aside like trash and move on to the next girl (who is generally a lot easier to get into bed than myself)? Even if "what they want" lasts for a few months... ?

    I never seem to get to "girlfriend" stage. It's been years since anyone ever called me their girlfriend... And it dawned on me the only parents I have ever been introduced to were my high school boyfriends (who I wasn't even sleeping with) and only a handful of guys have introduced me to their mates.

    I don't know what I'm doing wrong... or is it that there are no decent guys out there... or I just really do attract the wrong sorts?

    This has really gotten me down. I've made myself feel ill in my stomach and I'm struggling to get back on board. I just want to crawl into a little ball and cry. Sadly, this is not possible. :'(


    Love is out there; you just have to be patient. I know, it is hard to do sometimes. I didn't meet my husband until I was 31 (he was 36) we married a year later. First marriage for both of us. When I met my husband, I was crazy busy with everything I had on my plate (full time job, part time job that sometimes seemed full time, plus finishing up my master's degree). It will happen for you, but doesn't sound like as soon as you want it to. Looking back, I am actually happy that we didn't meet when we were younger, in some ways. I was able to focus on many things earlier, and when we decided to have kids, I was comfortable with what I accomplished with my career and happy to stay home to raise them. Not sure if that all makes sense, but...

    It will happen for you!! :flowerforyou:
  • MrsTattie
    MrsTattie Posts: 79 Member
    Hi there
    I don't reply to many discussions....but felt I HAD TO reply here! You sound like me, 15-20 years ago! (I'm 40)
    Until I met my husband my longest relationship was 6 months. I didn't meet him till I was almost 30. All my 20s and early 30s I was in short term relationships, seeing my friends with boyfriends and husbands. I can't see how old you are on your profile, but that is really irrelevant. Go enjoy youself! Go travelling, do things you like. Boyfriends will come and go. And believe me I have had my heart broken a few times. It isn't easy, I felt that I was always to "blame" for doing or not doing something. It takes guts not to settle for 2nd best, or just to have a boyfriend because everyone else is! There is no timetable for life, do not enforce one on yours! Be yourself at all times and be happy with your own company. That way you will know if someone likes you for you, rather than a fake version. If he falls for the fake version, it can only end in tears.
    My husband always says," his loss" when an ex is mentioned now. Oh and we will be together 8 years this summer and 7 years married, with 3 kids! Good things are worth waiting for!
    Good luck!
  • actresskat
    actresskat Posts: 120 Member
    Hi, you're beautiful and worth more than these guys are treating you. Don't worry - you are normal. My experiences have been similar as have many others on this board. My BEST tip is to find something you're passionate about; learn to rock climb (lots of men there), join an art group anything you're interested in. Get passionate about something other than men. When you're truly yourself and enjoying yourself something will happen. Don't close yourself off but make male friends.

    I've never dated but have had relationships blossom mutually from friendship - that's the ultimate best way to find a soulmate or boyfriend. Bear in mind also that if you're meeting guys in bars/clubs or through proper dating then the likelihood that they're looking for a fling is much higher - after all if you meet someone at an art club he probably joined because he liked art rather than being on the hunt for a woman.

    Hope this helps. Oh, and don't discount the cute guys or geeky guys that seem rather 'normal' or 'average' on the looks scale as they make the BEST boyfriends in the world! :)
  • solarpower4
    solarpower4 Posts: 250 Member
    Hi, you're beautiful and worth more than these guys are treating you. Don't worry - you are normal. My experiences have been similar as have many others on this board. My BEST tip is to find something you're passionate about; learn to rock climb (lots of men there), join an art group anything you're interested in. Get passionate about something other than men. When you're truly yourself and enjoying yourself something will happen. Don't close yourself off but make male friends.

    I've never dated but have had relationships blossom mutually from friendship - that's the ultimate best way to find a soulmate or boyfriend. Bear in mind also that if you're meeting guys in bars/clubs[...] then the likelihood that they're looking for a fling is much higher - after all if you meet someone at an art club he probably joined because he liked art rather than being on the hunt for a woman.

    Hope this helps. Oh, and don't discount the cute guys or geeky guys that seem rather 'normal' or 'average' on the looks scale as they make the BEST boyfriends in the world! :)

    EXACTLY!!!
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