Changing my relationship to food

Sunday’s are some times more emotional for me; being alone, getting ready to go back to the work week, etc. I looked all over for grandma’s apple cake recipe and couldn’t find it. Hmmmm….. You think it was a sign? Too bad you didn’t pay attention to it. I felt horrible at the thought of losing the recipe so I went digging for it and finally found it. I set it on the kitchen counter and didn’t think too much more about it. I later made myself one of those little 150 calorie chocolate desserts in the microwave and that seemed to satisfy me. I definitely have more of a sweet tooth on Sunday late afternoon, early evening so I am thinking it is tied to something emotionally. Perhaps being alone, still, and I relate Sunday’s to family dinner time, being together, so it just could possibly be emotional.

So, yesterday, Monday, I was really hungry all afternoon. I didn’t have much protein during the day and I think even when I ate my salad at lunch I still felt hungry. I noticed later that I really didn’t have any protein and I am finding it is what carries me through the day the best. I don’t know why I didn’t have my snack at 3:00 p.m. Oh yes, I do remember; I forgot my veggie juice in the car and I don’t like the cheese stick without the veggie juice. I do know I was extremely tired; the time change came the night before and I lack one hour of sleep and it could have some affect on my “routine food/eating schedule” that I generally stick too.

By the time I got home I felt soooooooo hungry I wanted to eat everything in sight. I saw grandma’s apple cake recipe on the counter and decided to make half a batch (9x9 pan). I am on automatic at this point and I don’t remember thinking or having real thoughts during this time. While the cake was baking I made ½ a turkey sandwich and also warmed up about 1 ½ cups of beans and ate both. Once the cake was done I started in on it. It was delightful, warm; the smell of grandma’s house and so tasty. It deserved another piece. Then after about four pieces I thought; this should really have a little cream cheese frosting so I whipped that up and added a “thin” (notice I use the word thin? - what a joke!) layer of cream cheese frosting. I proceeded to eat more cake. At that point, I don’t think I even tasted it anymore; my tongue was numb from the sugar.

Lately when I’ve had cravings (or mindlessness) and made quarter batches of cookies I’ve been able to eat maybe two or three cookies and throw the remaining four or five away. I don’t know why or what was going on with me last night that I couldn’t eat half the cake and throw the rest away. My stomach hurt; literally a huge pit in my stomach and I felt sick. When I stood up I became dizzy; I was having a sugar high but I went back for more, and more, and more, and even for “More!”

I remember having one thought; “you feel sick, why don’t you stop – well, because it is there and it is so comforting, it’s warm and embracing, like a child’s blanket.” I also remembered thinking back on an earlier conversation in the day when I felt the need to ask Sam if he still loved me. My thoughts turn to, “what’s going on with you emotionally” today; but I couldn’t come up with anything. Was it still that “Typical Sunday comfort day or a family day and missing that?” You know; the pot roast, carrots and potatoes? Gosh, I haven’t been with family on a Sunday in thirty-plus years. (Unless I was on vacation with them somewhere). So what was it? Was it just, and only just, because I didn’t eat protein during the day and I really was hungry; I don’t think so. I left the apple cake recipe card on the counter the night before. Pay attention to that. It’s almost as if you knew the night before you were going to binge the next day. How do you process that differently next time?

Looking back I wish I could have thought more about the fact that I couldn’t locate the recipe card as a sign to NOT bake the cake at all and be happy with the thought of having one of those little 150 calorie sweet treats. So….. I’ve come to yet another conclusion that I need a new set of tools and I think it would be valuable for me to find a way to stop and seriously think about being on automatic verses “consciously knowing” every move I make and be able to decide between the thought of “wanting” a certain food (typically a sweet), making the decision to actually go ahead and bake that food or to think of the consequences of it; and do I “need” the food; am I really hungry? AND, am I even listening to my own thought processes?

After having a twenty minute crying spell (at least I wasn’t being the typical mean person to myself; calling myself horrid names and referring to myself as the dirt of the earth or worse), and sobbing until it was all out of me; I started talking out loud to myself trying to process what went wrong. I talked myself through the entire scenario looking for where I turned the wrong direction, starting on Sunday. I do remember hearing my voice say kind words like, “its okay Sandy, you’ll do better next time; it was a slip, you slipped and it’s going to happen at times. You just keep being kind to yourself and you will get through this.” I might not have been extremely mean to myself but I have not been this disappointed in myself in such a long time. I let me (myself) down. You know it really isn’t about being out of control, it’s allowing myself to NOT be so controlling and just let myself live; naturally and normally and listen to my body and allow it to decide when it is hungry. “When my BODY is hungry, not when my MIND is hungry.

Looking back on this poor food choice experience on March 12th; I know I will never forget it. Just like the December 23rd incident where drinking too much alcohol led me on a five-day food fest and a complete melt-down. I can’t say for sure that I can completely wrap my brain around why I made this particular poor food choice but I am at least aware. Now to become more conscience of my actions. So what will my new tools be? I have to figure that out. I am making better choices overall these days and this will forever be a lesson to me. And not to forget what my fitness pal.com says; if I ate this way every day for six weeks I’d weigh 199 pounds? Is that where I want to be again? No, I am not that person anymore and I am learning that binging is really ugly. And I am learning alot about myself and liking who I am these days.

If this helps just one person; it's worth the post. Best of luck to everyone!