need some guy advice asap

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  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
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    so my husband and I have been separated for a little over a year now, I walked out, long story. I want to work things out and he is single again and we have discussed it with not really a decision on either end. a couple of weeks ago he messaged me talking about he wants to have sex with me again.... wtf? does this mean he wants to work things out or is he just looking for a piece of *kitten*? he has even talked about taking me out to dinner and a movie, but he is talking really sexual with me and says he misses sleeping with me... but then when I try to talk to him about other things like seeing my son more often and him letting my son stay over with me, he says no, you know how things are.... I am so confused and need guy advice.

    This situation is VERY common amongst divorced or separated couples. The guy really wants some kind of "maintenance" agreement; basically a "friends with benefits" situation despite your history together. Sleeping with him will not result in getting back together. Eventually he'll find someone else while sleeping with you and then just stop calling. Be strong, cut him off.

    This is exactly what I am afraid of.
  • cekeys
    cekeys Posts: 397 Member
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    so my husband and I have been separated for a little over a year now, I walked out, long story. I want to work things out and he is single again and we have discussed it with not really a decision on either end. a couple of weeks ago he messaged me talking about he wants to have sex with me again.... wtf? does this mean he wants to work things out or is he just looking for a piece of *kitten*? he has even talked about taking me out to dinner and a movie, but he is talking really sexual with me and says he misses sleeping with me... but then when I try to talk to him about other things like seeing my son more often and him letting my son stay over with me, he says no, you know how things are.... I am so confused and need guy advice.

    This situation is VERY common amongst divorced or separated couples. The guy really wants some kind of "maintenance" agreement; basically a "friends with benefits" situation despite your history together. Sleeping with him will not result in getting back together. Eventually he'll find someone else while sleeping with you and then just stop calling. Be strong, cut him off.

    This is exactly what I am afraid of.

    It can be hard to understand as a woman, because we're wired so differently not because women are inferior or anything like that, but men don't equate sex with love. Women have a chemical released in the brain called Oxytocin and it leads to strong feelings of closeness and intimacy, men don't produce this chemical in substantial quantities. Women's sexual responses are in the brain, while a man's is largely in the spinal cord.
  • VeganInTraining
    VeganInTraining Posts: 1,321 Member
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    Don't do it! It's one thing if you both decide you want mutual friends with beni's it's anothe when you want a relationship and he doesn't. If he won't let you spend more time with you kid then obviously he is not interested outside of the bedroom (sorry :cry: )

    You said "i have always seen the best in him"....after leaving my ex I had to realize that I need to love a guy for who he is not his potential b/c most people don't fully live up to their potential (especially if they are not already headed in that direction) Good luck hun! I really recommend not leting him talk about sex and if he wants to see you then that's cool, meet at a park where you can see your son and be around him at the same time, then you don't need to worry about ending up in the bedroom.

    HUGS
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
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    Don't do it! It's one thing if you both decide you want mutual friends with beni's it's anothe when you want a relationship and he doesn't. If he won't let you spend more time with you kid then obviously he is not interested outside of the bedroom (sorry :cry: )

    You said "i have always seen the best in him"....after leaving my ex I had to realize that I need to love a guy for who he is not his potential b/c most people don't fully live up to their potential (especially if they are not already headed in that direction) Good luck hun! I really recommend not leting him talk about sex and if he wants to see you then that's cool, meet at a park where you can see your son and be around him at the same time, then you don't need to worry about ending up in the bedroom.

    HUGS

    Thank your for your advice. I am having a hard time with the seeing people as who they are, it's kind of my downfall. I always try to find the best in people.
  • broekte
    broekte Posts: 102 Member
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    My guy co-worker was basically in this same situation only reversed since he is the guy. His ex who happens to be the mother of their son that he has custody of kept leaving him for the next best guy she had found. And he kept taking her back over and over again, 9 times worth. :mad: He kept believing that she was different and that she had changed and started caring about his needs. Unfortunately most people cannot change who they are. It seems to me that you are following this same pattern. It is easy to see the good things he is doing and forget about all the bad that was the reason that you left in the first place. Don't forget about the bad stuff and don't think that they won't come back if you do get back together. I know a small percent of people can change but most do not. I'm not going to tell you what to do as there are many things we don't know but if you do take him back I would advise to not ignore your instincts and that if you see something that seems amiss than it probably is.
  • Grimmerick
    Grimmerick Posts: 3,342 Member
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    Leave sex out of it, it will only confuse things, you will know pretty quickly if he wants to work things out or just want sex if you don't give in and give him any. If he really wants to work things out he will wait for the sex. Doing it won't make him feel closer or more committed to you, it won't sway his mind, only he can do that. NO SEX :)
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
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    My guy co-worker was basically in this same situation only reversed since he is the guy. His ex who happens to be the mother of their son that he has custody of kept leaving him for the next best guy she had found. And he kept taking her back over and over again, 9 times worth. :mad: He kept believing that she was different and that she had changed and started caring about his needs. Unfortunately most people cannot change who they are. It seems to me that you are following this same pattern. It is easy to see the good things he is doing and forget about all the bad that was the reason that you left in the first place. Don't forget about the bad stuff and don't think that they won't come back if you do get back together. I know a small percent of people can change but most do not. I'm not going to tell you what to do as there are many things we don't know but if you do take him back I would advise to not ignore your instincts and that if you see something that seems amiss than it probably is.

    Thank you for your advice. I am sitting her listing positives and negatives about what I see now and what still needs to change.
  • mmuzzatti
    mmuzzatti Posts: 706 Member
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    Without knowing the full details is hard to tell but sounds like he is just horny.

    Exactly! ^^^^^^^^
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    You left your marriage because a woman told you she'd been sleeping with your husband without actually asking him about it?

    It sounds like there are some really serious issues on both sides of this relationship.
  • Cruz2Fit
    Cruz2Fit Posts: 159 Member
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    On the other hand, sex can be a way to start communicating again.
  • cekeys
    cekeys Posts: 397 Member
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    On the other hand, sex can be a way to start communicating again.

    Statistically unlikely in this situation.
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
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    You left your marriage because a woman told you she'd been sleeping with your husband without actually asking him about it?

    It sounds like there are some really serious issues on both sides of this relationship.

    She was someone I trusted with my life and I didn't think I needed to question her. She had always been honest with me... or at least I thought. And honestly, I at that point I would not have blamed him if he did sleep around. I was always exhausted from taking care of our son and the house and bills and errands, we never really had sex, we were always arguing and I didn't even give what she said a second thought because I could see where he would want to do that.
  • LuLuSUPER
    LuLuSUPER Posts: 189
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    Well, that is kind of it. It was a nasty split and things have not been civil this entire time, then out of the blue, he is nice. Kissed me the last time I saw him and said he wishes we could have been a family. Then starts with all this sexting and has me just sitting here scratching my head.

    Also dont forgot there is always calm before the storm. Unfortunately situations like this cant be made with emotional decisions. There is another motive and its evident by his change of behavior. Be mindful of the information you share with him. He think he knows what you want and is trying to give you just enough of that to get what he wants.
    Keep your guards up and throw him a few curveballs just to see his response. ( try saying no more than yes) It will reveal a lot. my mom often said "sometimes you wont know until you fire it up to see if it boils"
    Pray hard for resolution, faith, and strength thru this time for all of you. Trust your gut it will never lead you wrong!
    Good luck
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
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    On the other hand, sex can be a way to start communicating again.

    Statistically unlikely in this situation.

    True, and seeing as he was the last one I had sex with, it is very tempting. But I don't think sex would solve anything at this point, it would just screw things up ever further.
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
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    Well, that is kind of it. It was a nasty split and things have not been civil this entire time, then out of the blue, he is nice. Kissed me the last time I saw him and said he wishes we could have been a family. Then starts with all this sexting and has me just sitting here scratching my head.

    Also dont forgot there is always calm before the storm. Unfortunately situations like this cant be made with emotional decisions. There is another motive and its evident by his change of behavior. Be mindful of the information you share with him. He think he knows what you want and is trying to give you just enough of that to get what he wants.
    Keep your guards up and throw him a few curveballs just to see his response. ( try saying no more than yes) It will reveal a lot. my mom often said "sometimes you wont know until you fire it up to see if it boils"
    Pray hard for resolution, faith, and strength thru this time for all of you. Trust your gut it will never lead you wrong!
    Good luck

    Thank you, God has never steered me wrong. I am going to just give this up to Him, He will show me my path.
  • Aegelis
    Aegelis Posts: 237 Member
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    I'm going to ask some questions that don't require an answer, just something to think about but you're welcomed to answer if you like. How much time and commitment do you have to work with him to help him get his heart & head in the right place? If the answer is 'the rest of your life' (which is what we say in our marriage vows) then difficult as it may be, I believe it'd be worth investing in. If you have no patience and are considered 'done' trying to help him (and who knows, maybe he can help you improve some areas of your life) then best not to bother making the situation worse. You were married to him for a reason, what was that reason? Does this reason still exist? Can it be re-gained?
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
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    I'm going to ask some questions that don't require an answer, just something to think about but you're welcomed to answer if you like. How much time and commitment do you have to work with him to help him get his heart & head in the right place? If the answer is 'the rest of your life' (which is what we say in our marriage vows) then difficult as it may be, I believe it'd be worth investing in. If you have no patience and are considered 'done' trying to help him (and who knows, maybe he can help you improve some areas of your life) then best not to bother making the situation worse. You were married to him for a reason, what was that reason? Does this reason still exist? Can it be re-gained?

    I don't mind answering. I did take my vows very seriously and it was so hard for me to leave. If he is willing like I am, yes, I do want to spend the rest of my life working on us. I think all relationships are a work in progress. We married for love and yes, I still do love him and I believe there is some part of him that still loves me.
  • fionarama
    fionarama Posts: 788 Member
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    Your son and issues regarding your son come first.
    Sex is last on the list until other things are worked out.
    he's just after a quick one because he's found its harder to score than he realised. men don't like going without for more than two weeks.
  • TinnedTuna
    TinnedTuna Posts: 208 Member
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    Relationship first, Sex later, much later
    the dating sounds good but don't let him use you. that will end it tears
  • dlaplume2
    dlaplume2 Posts: 1,658 Member
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    I would talk to him about some kind of therapy for you to do as a family. You have never come up with a formal separation plan and this has affected both of your relationships with your son. Before you stick your toe in that water you need to get that stuff all straightened out. That way if it doesn't work, it won't ruin any visitation and custodial rights with your son. He has special needs and he needs to be protected from getting hurt. We all know kids thrive on seeing their parents together. It is one thing to see them split, but it is another thing to see them get back together and then split again. If you had a bad break up the first time, it will be even worse the second time.

    I am not saying things can't work, but you need to set boundaries and rules to follow incase it doesn't. That will protect your son and he is the one that will get hurt the most if it doesn't.

    Best wishes

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