need some guy advice asap

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Replies

  • Aegelis
    Aegelis Posts: 237 Member
    I don't mind answering. I did take my vows very seriously and it was so hard for me to leave. If he is willing like I am, yes, I do want to spend the rest of my life working on us. I think all relationships are a work in progress. We married for love and yes, I still do love him and I believe there is some part of him that still loves me.

    It sounds like a framework for success and admire your conviction, it's rare these days. You'd mentioned God so if I may assume you're a believer, a few more points for consideration:

    If at marriage you believe that God brought you together, "Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” - Mark 10:9

    "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." - Colossians 3:13 Can you forgive him despite his many flaws? Can yourself despite your many flaws?

    We all mess up, sometimes with little mistakes, sometimes with mistakes that need a lot of work, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" - Romans 3:23 , "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us." - 1 John 1:8.

    "A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife, and each should satisfy the other's needs. A wife is not the master of her own body, but her husband is; in the same way a husband is not the master of his own body, but his wife is. Do not deny yourselves to each other, unless you first agree to do so for a while in order to spend your time in prayer; but then resume normal marital relations. In this way you will be kept from giving in to Satan's temptation because of your lack of self-control." - 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

    Easy to say, surely, hard to do, but the answers are available to be applied.
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
    I don't mind answering. I did take my vows very seriously and it was so hard for me to leave. If he is willing like I am, yes, I do want to spend the rest of my life working on us. I think all relationships are a work in progress. We married for love and yes, I still do love him and I believe there is some part of him that still loves me.

    It sounds like a framework for success and admire your conviction, it's rare these days. You'd mentioned God so if I may assume you're a believer, a few more points for consideration:

    If at marriage you believe that God brought you together, "Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” - Mark 10:9

    "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." - Colossians 3:13 Can you forgive him despite his many flaws? Can yourself despite your many flaws?

    We all mess up, sometimes with little mistakes, sometimes with mistakes that need a lot of work, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" - Romans 3:23 , "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us." - 1 John 1:8.

    "A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife, and each should satisfy the other's needs.4 A wife is not the master of her own body, but her husband is; in the same way a husband is not the master of his own body, but his wife is. Do not deny yourselves to each other, unless you first agree to do so for a while in order to spend your time in prayer; but then resume normal marital relations. In this way you will be kept from giving in to Satan's temptation because of your lack of self-control." - 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

    Easy to say, surely, hard to do, but the answers are available to be applied.

    Exactly my perspective on things. I am devout and I know God will not lead me wrong, which is why I pray to him about this daily and he says he prays about it as well. It can work, we just both have to stick to it and never let God out of our lives again.
  • zoedallas
    zoedallas Posts: 116 Member
    I can't get past the fact that you abandoned your son based on a rumor.

    I would be more concerned with fixing that issue. It sounds like you need to move closer and spend more time with him. Once you've made that right then you can consider the ex. And if you aren't 100% sure about the husband, then don't even start. It would be horrible if you walked out on your son again.
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
    I can't get past the fact that you abandoned your son based on a rumor.

    I would be more concerned with fixing that issue. It sounds like you need to move closer and spend more time with him. Once you've made that right then you can consider the ex. And if you aren't 100% sure about the husband, then don't even start. It would be horrible if you walked out on your son again.

    When I left I took my son with me. I NEVER abandoned him and the only reason he isn't with me now is my husband took him from me against my will. I had him for six months after I left him and we had a great life. I am fighting to get my son back home where he belongs. Trying to not get mad reading this, I could never ever even consider walking out on my child and anyone that could is not a parent.
  • Dauntlessness
    Dauntlessness Posts: 1,489 Member
    Cut and dry. You have seen the signs...for goodness sake, stop over analyzing and listen to them.

    Dump him. If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck...its probably a duck. I know he shows you glimpses of commitment but are you happy with just 10% love 90% disrespect? I hardly think that's okay. If you are staying with him as a security blanket or out of habit... that's not healthy either.

    If someone loves and respects you they will do everything they can to fix it without...and I repeat WITHOUT dating other girls or playing games.

    My husband of 11 years has told me that if I were to have an accident tomorrow and my bottom part of my body was cut off, he would love me just as much as he does now and take care of me. He would be willing to never have sex again because he is committed and truly loves me. That is what you need and deserve.

    The way I view it is when you are down and out, at the lowest point in your life is he going to be there for you? Is he going to make you feel beautiful and loved? If he had 10 million dollars tomorrow and was absolved of any guilty feeling of leaving you, would he choose to be with you?

    Just sayin
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    You left your marriage because a woman told you she'd been sleeping with your husband without actually asking him about it?

    It sounds like there are some really serious issues on both sides of this relationship.

    She was someone I trusted with my life and I didn't think I needed to question her. She had always been honest with me... or at least I thought. And honestly, I at that point I would not have blamed him if he did sleep around. I was always exhausted from taking care of our son and the house and bills and errands, we never really had sex, we were always arguing and I didn't even give what she said a second thought because I could see where he would want to do that.

    I stand by my previous post.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
    If you are trying to reconnect, sex is not the way to do. You will have to start dating again - go out on dates, then have sex later.
  • Aegelis
    Aegelis Posts: 237 Member
    Exactly my perspective on things. I am devout and I know God will not lead me wrong, which is why I pray to him about this daily and he says he prays about it as well. It can work, we just both have to stick to it and never let God out of our lives again.

    Sounds like you've already surpassed any advice we could give, well done. :smile:
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
    Exactly my perspective on things. I am devout and I know God will not lead me wrong, which is why I pray to him about this daily and he says he prays about it as well. It can work, we just both have to stick to it and never let God out of our lives again.

    Sounds like you've already surpassed any advice we could give, well done. :smile:

    Thanks :)
  • XXXMinnieXXX
    XXXMinnieXXX Posts: 3,459 Member
    he does seem to have some good points. i think you need to tell him you need a good frank talk...
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
    In case this was unclear to anyone, I did not walk out on my son. When I moved out I took my son with me. The only reason he is not still with me is his father took him from me on a regular visit and never brought him home. I never abandoned my son and never could.
  • XXXMinnieXXX
    XXXMinnieXXX Posts: 3,459 Member
    Why do you want to go back to your ex? Has he now changed? You left him for a reason - at the time you were so unhappy you needed to leave - which was the right thing to do for YOU. YOU and your feelings are what's important here. Him being your son's father is a separate issue altogether - you feel he is a good father which is great. Is your son happy? How much do you see him? Would you like to see him more? These are the things that need to be worked out.

    If you moved back in together (say) would things be different this time? Or would it just be the same as before? Before you commit yourself to him emotionally again by sleeping with him perhaps think about whether or not he really is the person you want to be with. Do you honestly think the TWO of you can make it work? It mustn't just be YOU doing the work.

    I separated from my husband three years ago and it took me a LONG time to recover from the guilt of breaking up a family. But 3 years down the line I know it was the right thing for ME. And my children are now happy and adjusted. I'm a better Mum to them on my own than I was being married.

    YOUR happiness is the MOST important thing as your son will pick up on that - he doesn't want an unhappy Mum!

    Take care!

    so well said! x
  • Richdogg38
    Richdogg38 Posts: 152
    He just wants the sex unfortunately. Doesn't make him a bad guy he is just doing him. Men are funny, when we get hurt, we make sure we never put ourselves in that situation again however; we tend to want all of the fruits of a relationship with a woman without any of the commitment or responsibilities of a relationship. We want to PLAY house, but not make it a home. By having casual sex with you it is a form of control. He is hurt, bitter and confused to most likely. If not, then he is calculated and just using you. Not knowing him I would not want to make a judgment on his character. Ultimately, if any man wants to be with you sexually, taking you to dinner, a movie, a walk in the park or whatever should NOT be an OPTION if a man is serious about you. If it is a consensual sexual relationship then just have fun and enjoy each other.

    Don't put your heart in getting back together just yet. Good luck.
  • DavetheHYNIC
    DavetheHYNIC Posts: 318 Member
    He has moved on emotional and wants to in your words "to get a piece of *kitten*" . However you are married and this is a sacred bond and you should take extra steps to try and save your marriage. Stop sleeping with him immediately, and give him an ultimatum to seek couples counseling and figure out in yourself why you walked out your marriage.
  • Aegelis
    Aegelis Posts: 237 Member
    he does seem to have some good points. i think you need to tell him you need a good frank talk...

    I'm a big fan of this advice too.
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
    He has moved on emotional and wants to in your words "to get a piece of *kitten*" . However you are married and this is a sacred bond and you should take extra steps to try and save your marriage. Stop sleeping with him immediately, and give him an ultimatum to seek couples counseling and figure out in yourself why you walked out your marriage.

    I haven't slept with him since we split over a year ago.
  • zoedallas
    zoedallas Posts: 116 Member
    I can't get past the fact that you abandoned your son based on a rumor.

    I would be more concerned with fixing that issue. It sounds like you need to move closer and spend more time with him. Once you've made that right then you can consider the ex. And if you aren't 100% sure about the husband, then don't even start. It would be horrible if you walked out on your son again.

    When I left I took my son with me. I NEVER abandoned him and the only reason he isn't with me now is my husband took him from me against my will. I had him for six months after I left him and we had a great life. I am fighting to get my son back home where he belongs. Trying to not get mad reading this, I could never ever even consider walking out on my child and anyone that could is not a parent.
    My apologies. I went back and checked and I see I misread your post. My ex did the same thing once on visitation and I just went and got him back and then took the bas**rd to court and made him pay for the expense of the trip. I'm not sure why you're letting him call the shots on that but I guess I'm not understanding the situation.

    Anyone who would steal a child and not allow the mother adequate visitation doesn't deserve a second chance. Best of luck.
  • Ashley_Panda
    Ashley_Panda Posts: 1,404 Member
    Since I know you personally, I will smack you upside the ****ing head if you even think about it. The things he did are alone enough not to give him the time of day. Get a job, car, apartment and Tyler and tell him to go screw himself.
  • lexidell46
    lexidell46 Posts: 143
    without knowing more details this sounds messed up to me. he wants to take you on a date and bang you, but not work on other areas? sounds like he is horny.
    "ditto"
    Ditto
    listen to your friend.
  • lexidell46
    lexidell46 Posts: 143
    OK this is coming from a single Father that has full residency. Without judging I can understand why he may be reluctant to let your son stay over, it can be confusing & disruptive to the child & he then has to pick the peices up. Now for the sexting, he is probably lonely & maybe hasn't the time to invest in a new relationship, but he thnks he can get his thang on by playing you with sweet words. Yer he probably misses you, Yer he probably wanted to work it out BUT that was a year ago, he thought FU, because he was angry, spread his seed & thought he had it all, BUT now a year later he realises the dating scene is a viper pit & his responsibilities take precedence! Wait maybe I can talk nice to the ex & get a booty call.

    If he is serious, he will be looking at ways of intergrating you back into the family routine. This has to be your focus & then if the feelings are still there, then by all means "Get it On"

    Russ

    That's what has been so hard. I had our son, he practically told me to take him when I moved out, then when he started dating this woman since custody wasn't arranged yet, he took my son on a normal visit and never brought him home. He said he had a new mommy and I was no longer needed. I devoted everything I had to my son, I was a stay at home mother for almost four years. I didn't pursue school or work because his therapy needed all my attention and I did everything I could. I think it would be good my our son to see me more, I only get to see him once a week as it is and that is just because we live so far apart. Thank you though, it does sound like a booty call to me too.
    Now I see the rest of the story I would run not walk away from this guy and fight like hell for your son. He deserves better than to see a woman as a piece of meat.
  • RH_Brazell
    RH_Brazell Posts: 339
    sounds more like a booty call to me
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
    Since I know you personally, I will smack you upside the ****ing head if you even think about it. The things he did are alone enough not to give him the time of day. Get a job, car, apartment and Tyler and tell him to go screw himself.

    And this is why I love you :)
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