Sorry for such a long read....here it goes!

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ashley2586
ashley2586 Posts: 50 Member
in Introduce Yourself
This is not only my introduction, but also a way for me to let go and express myself, when i think no one else in this world listens to me.

Had open heart surgery at 16 months old for an atrial septic defect.
Had 2nd open heart surgery at 20 years old to repair mitral and tricuspid valves.
I have battled with depression and some anxiety since I was in high school.
(at this point in my life I knew I would be a high risk pregnany if I were to have children.)
On February 10, 2012 I was taken to the ER thinking I had appendicitis. A few tests later I found out I have endometriosis with a mass the size of a grapefruit growing on my right ovary. I had a scheduled surgery where they removed the mass, right ovary and right fallopian tube. They also found a golf ball size mass growing on my left ovary which they removed. at this point the doctor realized my left fallpian tube is pretty damaged, resulting in far less chances of having a normal pregnancy, if any.

I think a lot of my weight gain has been due to the depression of wanting a normal life, to not see the pity on someone's face when they see my scars(or hear the "im so sorry's", to feel like i have just as good of a chance as any to carry a child and know the love and bond of bringing life into this world.

Now I know this doesnt necessarily seem to tie into why im posting it in my introduction, but this is me....insecure, scared, alone and dying for a change.

With everything going on i have spun further into depression. Im still on light activities until futher notice, i have no appetite, i feel like i have no one to turn to....im just lost, with no sense of selfesteem.

I am asking for encouragement, friendship, thoughts and prayers.

Ashley

Replies

  • raedient61
    raedient61 Posts: 40 Member
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    Ashely, all I can say is this....with God all things are possilbe! I'm going to leave it at that and just say that it would be my honor to be your friend and I will be praying for you.

    Tammie
  • hooligansmom
    hooligansmom Posts: 122 Member
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    If you post here, you won't be alone. I am really sorry for your loss, and I hope that someday you will find a way to have children in your life. In the meantime, I hope the people here at MFP can help you get well. Feel free to friend request me if yo need a friend!
  • bellisima6
    bellisima6 Posts: 76 Member
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    Ashley,
    Know that God is in every situation even when we don't feel it He is there. You are still alive for a reason, you may not see it but it's true. Like you I have a heart condition, I never had heart surgery but growing up was hard because I could not play certain sports like many kids. I also have endometriosis and cannot get pregnant I have one tube but I keep the faith that maybe one day if it is the will of God I will be a mother if not to Him be the glory. You are beautiful and I'm sure people who know you will say that you are beautiful inside and out. They see pass your scars.
    Feel free to send me a message.
    Esther
  • lamilli09
    lamilli09 Posts: 354 Member
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    Hey Ashley,

    It sounds like you're really ready for change in your life. I think you'll find that the people you'll meet on this site, in large part, will be there to support you on your journey to physical and emotional health. I wish you only the best :)
  • JoniM205
    JoniM205 Posts: 9
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    Looking at your picture I see a smiling, beautiful woman who has great value. All those things you're dealing with on the outside cannot control your spirit on the inside. I can understand why you'd feel terribly down. You've been dealt a hard lot. Being a human being means more than bearing children. Hopefully you'll be able to experience that some day, but if not, you have a purpose for being here. I went through a few bouts of depression myself and I found it so helpful to give of myself, volunteer, begin to care about the people around me. I hope you find peace for you soul. I know where you can find it! ; )
  • leepster1
    leepster1 Posts: 1
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    Hi Ashley - I am new to MFP, so bear with me as I learn the ropes. I really will pray for you. I wish I had the answers and solutions that would make all that pain - physical and emotional - go away. I do believe God is with us through our discouragement, pain, and suffering, whether we feel his presence or not. I pray that you will feel his presence, that you will not feel alone.

    A friend of mine has two sayings that have stuck in my brain for years - and I am still learning to really hold onto them. First, "It is what it is." There are things that happen that just happen - good or bad, beneficial or harmful. I like to know the "whys" and "how comes" of every bad thing that happens. They torture me, and rock my faith. But the fact is - I probably will never know the "whys." But I can decide to accept them (and that takes wrestling a while) and live with them. Sounds not so encouraging, doesn't it? But then there is the second saying my friend has - "It's all good." At first glance, that seems so wrong and so fake-religious-y. But over the years I have learned (and still am learning) that God can redeem anything-though it may not be in the way I think it should be done. He does have my back, but most often it is in a way I do not recognize. So my challenge is to look for God's hand, look for redeeming things that happen. I guess that is faith defined in a simplistic way - acknowledging the bad, but hanging on - even with doubt - to God's help and support.

    I don't mean to sound preachy- I hope I haven't sounded that way. I hear the discouragement in your post, and I hope somehow this has given you some comfort. At least, you know you have a new friend that will be praying for you. And I am not just saying that - I really will. Hang in there, and stay in touch, ok?

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