Finally decided to stop putting myself down

Hi everyone! I'm pretty brand-new to MFP, and this is the first time I've started watching what I eat in many years. If you don't enjoy reading life stories, just skip to the end. I need to get all this off my chest, and I'm wordy

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I was very skinny all the way through college (110lbs at 5'5"), married my college sweetheart in 2001, and started living a more sedentary life because I wasn't biking to classes or playing frisbee anymore. When I hit about 125 in 2003, the insults started coming because I was "letting myself go" and he began to dictate what I should eat and wanted me to work out at least 5 days a week. And while eating right and exercising are good, I resented him for making me feel that if I didn't, he wouldn't want me anymore, so I fought it tooth and nail. Eventually we separated in 2006 and divorced in 2007 (I'll keep the long story out of it, but it was the best thing that could have happened). I weighed about 140 at that point. My weight continued to go up rapidly after that because I felt like hey, I didn't have someone telling me what to eat and how to work out anymore, and I didn't have to impress anyone. I dated a few guys who didn't mind my weight and that boosted my faltering self-esteem a bit at least.

By 2008 I weighed about 160. I transplanted myself to Alabama and ended up meeting a guy that I clicked with immediately. We got married in 2010 (at 180lbs), and last June we had a beautiful daughter! When I first got pregnant, I weighed 190lbs. After she was born, I actually weighed 185. Still no idea how that happened, but anyway, I didn't work out or anything after that so I was sitting steady around 195 at the beginning of this year.

My husband likes chunky girls so he has never made a single comment about wanting me to lose weight. I think part of that is also because he knows how badly my ex treated me and he doesn't want me to go through that again... but the thing is, it's not good for my health so sometimes I wish he WOULD encourage me a little (okay, I admit, I'd probably cry. I am nothing if not over-emotional). He's a big guy himself at a barrel-chested 260lbs (and yes, I like it that way!) and has actually lost about 30lbs in the last 2 years because he cut out most of the sweet tea and soda he was drinking, but he's not really interested in either of us losing any more weight. I appreciate that he likes my rolls, but I wish he'd realize that it's not HEALTHY. And now that we have a baby, I want to be sure she doesn't end up like us - plus, I want to be able to keep up with her as she gets older!

Anyway, in looking back, I realized I've been putting myself down for a long time. It's funny, when I weighed 110 I turned up my nose at anyone over about 130lbs, and part of that was because my self-esteem was LOW, not high. I'm not exactly a "hot chick" (I know I'm not butt-ugly, but I am not what one would consider to be "hot") so I couldn't rely on my looks to feel good about myself; my ex reminded me of that quite a bit. So what happened when I started to gain weight? I started telling myself, "Well there's no point in losing weight since I'm never going to be pretty anyway. If I'm not pretty, who cares if I'm thin?" Nice. Self-sabotage FTW, right? And when I got married again, I told myself, "It's not like I need to impress anyone now, and my husband likes me this way so it's okay." Well, time to stop undermining my health.

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Still with me? So now that I've talked way too much, here's a little summary about me:

I'm a geek and, let's face it, a bit of a nerd. I love the heck out of Firefly, Big Bang Theory, and Doctor Who. I enjoy reading Asimov and Palahniuk. I listen to progressive, sludge, melodic death, and industrial metal. I also listen to classical, jazz fusion, trance, and 80s rock. I do LARP and the SCA and play Skyrim and used to play WoW. I love a good debate and like it when I'm wrong almost as much as when I'm right, because it means I learned something. I'm snarky, sarcastic, and opinionated, and I have a big mouth but I also have a big heart and that often doesn't come out as much online, sadly. I'm agnostic/secular humanist/apatheist/labels-are-kinda-stupid/anti-organized-religion but grew up Christian. No, I'm not angry about it, the pieces just didn't seem to fit for me. I've worked as a graphic artist for 10 years, mostly in the newspaper industry, but right now I do web design and ads for a wholesaler. I enjoy having friends from all walks of life and I believe everyone could learn how to be more accepting, including myself. I'm very happily married and have a beautiful 9-month-old daughter.

In the last 10 years I've ballooned from 110lbs up to 195lbs. Honestly, I was pretty comfortable with myself at 140lbs and would be happy enough at 150lbs, so right now that is my goal and if I exceed it, great! And if I don't hit my goal, at least I did something to try to be more healthy! I could use some motivation, though, as I've spent the last 5 or so years telling myself that it shouldn't matter what I weigh and it's hard to get out of that mindset.

Friend me if you'd like. Chat with me if you'd like. As you can see, I have more than enough words to go around.