Help...NEED Parental Help ASAP

At 19, she is legally an adult. You cannot be held responsible for something she does wrong. I understand you don't want to see her get in trouble, but she is of age to make her own choices and without making mistakes, she will never learn.

As a non-parent but a person who has seen her brother in and out of prison for over 20 years; do what you have to do to reign her in. Let her know that you love her but she has to follow certain rules not because you are being hard but because life itself will bring you to your knees if you don't act with a certain amount of discretion and common sense. You do have to give them room to breathe and exert control over their own lives; however; if you can keep her out of trouble do it. I know how much I have suffered having a brother and a sister who act with disregard to moral standards, I know my parents have suffered even more.

:ohwell: HI. everyone will have their opinion, my folks Said MY house My rules . be strong but endering, NO phone sounds good, Nick

I think I'd be talking to her more about 'breaking the law' in general and less about the specifics of going clubbing with a fake ID. She isn't showing much respect for the rules (home, road, etc.) and if she doesn't understand why they are in place, she could end up in a very bad way.

I told/tell my children that we obey the laws because they are in place to keep us safe. If you disagree with a law, don't just break it, go do something about changing it. Vote, start petitions, get active politically, make things happen. But the consequences of breaking laws often means loss of freedom and money and health. Preach, mom. A little bit of what you say might get through. My SD25 and S21 made it to adulthood without getting in any trouble, and I have hopes for D13.

PS: Also a reformed "wild child" myself.

I'm saying this as a young women who grew up with strict parents...before I was an adult. My parents were strict and hard on me ALL the time and I took it out on myself by cutting, going into weird deppresion modes, starting lieing more, grew very far apart from my parents...AND TO THIS DAY, I REMEMBER HAVING NO BAD INTENTIONS, AND BLAME THEM FOR NOT LETTING ME HAVE A CHILD HOOD. Yes, I feel as though I had NO childhood, I feel I missed out on SOOO much. My brothers got to do so much more than me and it pissed me off VERY much. Now that I have gotten married and moved out (right when I turned 18 of course) and have a baby now...I can't even go back and get that childhood especially with all my new responsibilities! I'm not trying to be harsh, it just sticks me in a certain spot...BUT, she is 19!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know your daughter appreciates being able to live with you, but she is an adult and she will only be 19 once. She knows you love her, she knows the dangers of her actions, she knows what morals you have as a mother. The knowledge you gave her while raising her is a big part of who she is, and when it all comes down to it she is going to know what is right or wrong. You can't control her anymore becuase she's going to do what she wants to do...And about the phone issue, I would have hung up RIGHT AWAY. I wouldn't have stayed on the phone long enough to here what the conversation was about. I know it's very, very temping, but it causes problems. For instance, when I was 12 my parents raided my backpack without me knowing and found a note from my friend pretty much making my parents think that I had sex AT TWELVE....since I was 12 I was too shy and embarrassed about it to say that I didn't do it. But, I was grounded the whole summer and after that they must have thought I was some kind of slut. Also, I was on a really good diet when I was 16 and lost quit a bit of weight and my mom finally got to the point where she said OKAY, are you on drugs? Ummm....thanks for the encouragemnt, but no. They didn't see me all day....I ate healthy and would walk before school started and at my lunch break after eating....so what did they do, they got a home drug test to see if I was using any drugs which I had NEVER done so it came up negative...WELL, THE DAY AFTER THAT I FINALLY SMOKED POT WITH MY BUDDIES WHO ALWAYS ASKED IF I WANTED SOME AND ALWAYS TURNED THEM DOWN. Okay, this is becoming more of a vent than anything so all i'm saying is that she is 19...PLEASE let her live like it rather she is under your roof or not. Think back to when you were 19...you may have done some crazy things, or maybe you didn't.......but whatever you did do was a learning experience in one way or another that makes you who you are today.

sorry slimming mom, I could not disagree more.

she does not understand the consequences of her actions at only 19. she is incapable of it, having been a child all her life, never having become an adult. crossing an arbitrary age barrier doesn't turn you into an adult, experiencing self-sufficiency is what matters. whether that happens at 18 or 25, you aren't an adult when you're still living at home with your parents.

she is living under their roof, and it is reasonable to expect her to play by their rules and respect the law. I'm not sure why you'd counsel her mother that this behavior should be ignored/accepted. to what positive end would this lead? it is her parents' job to teach her how to be a responsible adult. breaking the law and being cavalier about it is not a good example for her parents to set (which they would be doing if they just said oh well, she's going to do what she likes anyway)

you seem to be saying- oh well, she'll do whatever and it'll all turn out okay. - you don't know that to be true. DUI is a very real possibility and the risk of injury/death is also very real. add to that the use of a fake ID, and she is putting herself in danger of real, expensive, legal consequences. she is also putting the establishment she visits in jeopardy. if they serve alcohol to a minor child, they run the risk of losing their liquor license, which harms the business and all those employed by that business.

I don't think taking things away from her will help.

The more you yell, the more you accuse, the more you eavesdrop, the more you ground, the more you take things away...well...it'll just push her away. That's the honest truth. She's at the age where she's going to be rebellious and think she can do and get away with anything. She's prob not going see that you're doing all these things to protect her and bc you love her. She'll most likely just get angry and give you attitude or crabbiness.

Yea, she does need discipline (even at the age of 19) and yea, you are the person in charge of the car, the insurance, the phone, etc etc but do you honestly think that will actually help? It might stop her for a short time bc you took the car and the phone away, but like everyone said, she IS 19, she has a bf and friends who I'm sure will help her. She can pretty much do whatever she wants.

Your goal should be to bond with her and to show her you're there for her and care about her...and not to make her angry and be one of those parents that force their children not to do something and then end up with a bigger problem on their hands. I think she already knows what she did and was going to do was wrong. I agree with sitting her down and talking about breaking the law, but I highly doubt she'll really care or think much about it. That's just usually what some kids do.

Do you have mother daughter time? Maybe you and her should go out to eat once a week or go shopping or even to the movies. Show her you love her and tell her you love her. Stop lecturing..instead, just talk..or how about listen? She knows wrong from right, just make sure she knows that you really are there for her and that she can come to you with any situation.

If she doesn't want to here it, then find someone who CAN bond and talk about these issues with her. Does she have any older cousins that might be able to help or do any of your friends have older children? I know teenagers usually listen to everyone else BUT their parents. It's sad, but as long as someone is getting thru to her, that's all that matters.

Good luck!

what I said- before you got all twisted- is that the 19 year old being discussed doesn't understand the consequences of her actions. this has been demonstrated by the actions she has taken. tattooing on her boyfriends's name, crashing her car, staying out all night, disrespecting the parents who provide her lifestyle to her- these aren't adult behaviors.

when you have experienced more of life, you have a greater perspective from which to offer advice to others. I have been the mother of rebellious teenagers, and can give the advice I have learned to others, when they ask for it.

whether it makes you mad or not, the 19 year old in question is most definitely a child. she proves this again and again in the actions her mother describes. and it is time for her parents to teach her to be an adult, with repercussions for her actions. whether she throws a child-like tantrum or not.

relax- I'm sure you believe you are the most responsible and adult 19 year old ever. But I was offering parental advice to the mom who asked for it, not addressing you or your levels of adulthood.