Vicious Circle

I have been an MFP member for little over two years now. In that time I have went up and down with the same 6-8 pounds. Never expanding my weight loss further than that. Now, with that being said I am not the best at this. I'm a lazy person. I have a hard time committing to a any plan for more than a couple of days. I go to the grocery store and buy healthy foods only to toss it at the end of the week because I have chosen to go out to eat instead. Then I beat myself up for it and vow to do good again the following week starting Monday and I'll just have this last cookie to get it out of my system. BUT!!! Every Monday for the past nine years has been a fresh start. Every Wednesday for the past nine years has been a nasty ending. Up, down, up down, up, down...I'm tired. Very tired. I'm tired of this vicious circle. I feel like it's sucking the life out of me.
I'm at the point where I don't even know what I like to eat anymore. All food taste pretty much the same and nothing is really satisfying anymore. It's just food. I've lost my ability to enjoy my food. When I'm eating good I'm mourning the bad stuff when I'm eating bad I'm feeling guilty. When I try to balance between the two I go way overboard and eat way too much.
The part that gets me the most is that nine years ago I was thin. Probably weighing in at 125 pounds give or take. Someone told me I was pudgy at that point and time and that's when it all started. I have "dieted" myself from a healthy weight to being obese. Once I heard the word "pudgy" my life changed. I remember being a care free happy, healthy, active person. Now, I'm an insecure, obese, non active, unhealthy, pathetic version of that person I use to be. I don't want to be that way anymore. There is so much more to life than always worrying about what food I'm putting in my mouth.
This weekend I caught a glimpse of myself in the side view mirror of my husband's truck and I couldn't believe that was me. Partly, because I had lost 8 pounds and was feeling pretty good about myself but 8 pounds is only the beginning for me. I have a long way to go, and I'm not sure about the path I want to take to get there. I've read a lot of post today saying how it's so simple. Calories in/calories out. Yes, that part is simple math but the part that's not simple is the emotional toll that it takes to break through what got me to this in the first place, and I'm just not sure that I can accomplish that sitting in front of a computer putting in my calories and exercise. Sometimes you have to get away from the math of it all...right? So, if any of you can tell me how you got away from the math of it all I would really appreciate it, because I need to know how to.