Stupid Relationship Question.

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Replies

  • Karrix
    Karrix Posts: 288

    Yea, it's only been almost 6 months and this has been the slowest relationship I've had. Very slow and steady, which I love and hate at the same time. It was really fast at first then got super slow and I feel like it almost took a few steps back even. We've only had our first issue not long ago, we go to a really conservative school though and I feel like that's kinda held our relationship back from progressing more. It's not a very comfortable environment for a relationship. Luckily, we both graduate soon.

    When I first started seeing my boyfriend he preferred to take things slow. He took longer to open up and was wary. He had been in an abusive relationship prior to me, he didn't understand how healthy works.

    You should just talk to him about these things, you've got lots to learn about each other! Don't be afraid to be open with him, it's a learning progress you go through together :)
  • ToEKnee213
    ToEKnee213 Posts: 1,031 Member
    I'm legit though :p

    Of course I'm still male but I'm open, can say what I feel, not afraid of emotions. Bit of a gentlemen.

    Wow...you must live in an alternate universe.

    Or at least, not in Michigan
  • Natx83
    Natx83 Posts: 1,298 Member
    I'm legit though :p

    Of course I'm still male but I'm open, can say what I feel, not afraid of emotions. Bit of a gentlemen.

    Wow...you must live in an alternate universe.

    Or at least, not in Michigan

    Australia, it's about 11,ooo miles away. Might as well be another universe. Met an amazing girl from
    Chicago, on the weekend. We spent some time together. What I would do to see her again, she leaves today to Sydney, then back home. Waaaah.
  • hedwighigh
    hedwighigh Posts: 299

    Yea, it's only been almost 6 months and this has been the slowest relationship I've had. Very slow and steady, which I love and hate at the same time. It was really fast at first then got super slow and I feel like it almost took a few steps back even. We've only had our first issue not long ago, we go to a really conservative school though and I feel like that's kinda held our relationship back from progressing more. It's not a very comfortable environment for a relationship. Luckily, we both graduate soon.

    When I first started seeing my boyfriend he preferred to take things slow. He took longer to open up and was wary. He had been in an abusive relationship prior to me, he didn't understand how healthy works.

    You should just talk to him about these things, you've got lots to learn about each other! Don't be afraid to be open with him, it's a learning progress you go through together :)

    He understands all about my crappy exes. I've told him and he's been incredibly patient about it. It's been nice being in a healthy relationship but I think things would be easier if he had previous experience too although I would never tell him that.

    He had to help me through alot of baggage at the beginning cause me and my last boyfriend broke up less than a month before me and my present boyfriend started dating so I hadn't had time to get over alot of stuff. He's really understanding about that type of stuff. I had to explain to him when we had our first talk why I'm not a fan of conflict, my last boyfriend would always threaten to break up with me while the one before that would make it all my fault and sometimes yell at me. My boyfriend assured me that he wouldn't do that and to talk to him.

    I just feel horrible when I make him feel horrible though. I know we'll (or I'll) get over that though. He told me if there is a problem that we'll work through it and he always admits if something is his fault and he always apologizes but he feels like crap for awhile after because he feels so guilty. I hate doing that cause he's such a sweet person.

    ... I've been told by many people that I'm the "man" in the relationship. Our roles are kinda reversed to a degree.
  • Talieowl
    Talieowl Posts: 46 Member
    Some guys just don't have much to say. My hubby isn't into talking or texting that much. If he is your boyfriend then you are free to text him. If he has a problem with you texting him after not talking to him for a few days then I would say the relationship most likely won't work out. However, from what you say it doesn't seem like he would have a problem with you contacting him. I really don't understand why you don't just text him.

    Yeah text him and let us know what happens. I'm a male but I don't think I'm typical of the real male behaviour in relation to dating. I'm curious lol!

    Alright, I did send him the one text but it's bad timing so I'll probably contact him again around late afternoon. Would it be better if I just called him since he hates texting?

    Yes! Why not meet him half way. But don't start the conversation with, "why haven't you texted me."
  • Shannonigans84
    Shannonigans84 Posts: 693 Member
    I've been through three deployments, one of which lasted 14 months (All with minimal contact) but I know that's not the norm. I hope everything works out for you :smile:
  • saragato
    saragato Posts: 1,154
    I talk to my guy about once a month. He lives in Florida, works the Disney World Park (which is an awful job) and generally has time filled by work, chores, and *kitten* roommates. I know he's busy so it's not like he's just refusing to call or text or anything.

    Around week 3 I can get pretty insecure, but I have a lot of emotional issues. I've almost lost him twice due to these insecurities and so-called friends who put more in my head. I learned that it's all in my head and if I miss him, I will let him know. If I need to talk to him, I will let him know and within a day or so we talk and all is well again.

    Communication issues happen, general issues happen, and our pasts can bite us on the butt enough to be an issue. If you miss him, tell him. If something's wrong, tell him. You can't wait around praying he'll miss you enough to take the initiative and if you want him to once in a while, ask.
  • hedwighigh
    hedwighigh Posts: 299
    I talk to my guy about once a month. He lives in Florida, works the Disney World Park (which is an awful job) and generally has time filled by work, chores, and *kitten* roommates. I know he's busy so it's not like he's just refusing to call or text or anything.

    Around week 3 I can get pretty insecure, but I have a lot of emotional issues. I've almost lost him twice due to these insecurities and so-called friends who put more in my head. I learned that it's all in my head and if I miss him, I will let him know. If I need to talk to him, I will let him know and within a day or so we talk and all is well again.

    Communication issues happen, general issues happen, and our pasts can bite us on the butt enough to be an issue. If you miss him, tell him. If something's wrong, tell him. You can't wait around praying he'll miss you enough to take the initiative and if you want him to once in a while, ask.

    You're right. Sorry about your S.O.'s schedule, that has to be rough.
    I don't need to reason we break up to be because I'm insecure. He obviously can't read my mind and his mind reading skills get even worse if we're not able to see each other. He's most likely waiting for me to say something since that's how it usually goes anyway. I'll probably call him sometime tomorrow to say hey and see how his break has been.
  • amycool
    amycool Posts: 57 Member
    My opinion is playing games like waiting for him to text first and things like that will only lead to disappointment and arguments. I don't think you should ever play games because you will be the only one playing, he will be having fun oblivious to what you want from him.

    I think if you want to talk to him you should phone him, I wouldn't bother with the texting because you already know he doesn't like doing that. Just phone him and talk about all of the fun and laughs you've had since you last saw him :-)
  • saragato
    saragato Posts: 1,154
    I talk to my guy about once a month. He lives in Florida, works the Disney World Park (which is an awful job) and generally has time filled by work, chores, and *kitten* roommates. I know he's busy so it's not like he's just refusing to call or text or anything.

    Around week 3 I can get pretty insecure, but I have a lot of emotional issues. I've almost lost him twice due to these insecurities and so-called friends who put more in my head. I learned that it's all in my head and if I miss him, I will let him know. If I need to talk to him, I will let him know and within a day or so we talk and all is well again.

    Communication issues happen, general issues happen, and our pasts can bite us on the butt enough to be an issue. If you miss him, tell him. If something's wrong, tell him. You can't wait around praying he'll miss you enough to take the initiative and if you want him to once in a while, ask.

    You're right. Sorry about your S.O.'s schedule, that has to be rough.
    I don't need to reason we break up to be because I'm insecure. He obviously can't read my mind and his mind reading skills get even worse if we're not able to see each other. He's most likely waiting for me to say something since that's how it usually goes anyway. I'll probably call him sometime tomorrow to say hey and see how his break has been.

    It is rough, but when we talk or can be together it's worth the wait inbetween. I can't say it's easy or you get used to it because really I think no one could and be happy.

    All you can really do is know what your end's like and if you're chomping at the bits, it's either reach out and say "Hey, here I am!" or wait and really just make yourself worse. That's the nasty part about being apart for any time because it's so much more difficult to know what they're doing, where they are, so on. So the mind has ample ammunition to either give you hope or try to crush you.

    Sometimes just leaving a message on their voicemail can ease things because you've taken that first step and they'll have a way to know you want to talk, even if it's casual "so what have you been up to" stuff. Another good trick I picked up when there's times you can't contact them for whatever reason (it's too late at night, you know they're busy at work or school, you're not in a good position to call them, etc) and you really have stuff to get off your chest is to grab a pencil and paper and write a letter. You don't have to send them, you can burn them later, whatever you choose to do but it is a good way to get all those thoughts and feelings out in tangible form.

    Sorry if I'm rambling. I worked on a long distance relationship forum for a year so I've seen all degrees of being apart and just tend to spew stuff I've learned.
  • zoodalia
    zoodalia Posts: 294
    No text since Monday? That's not ideal... have you tried contacting him? If you have and he's not replied, move on!:)
  • Nopedotjpeg
    Nopedotjpeg Posts: 1,805 Member
    Say this to him instead of MFP.
  • SweetProgression
    SweetProgression Posts: 65 Member
    abscence makes the heart grow fonder let him chase you. Go out with friends or study when he calls act relaxed
  • Maystar80
    Maystar80 Posts: 85 Member
    there's a lot of replies to this thread and I've read some of them but not all so I'll just give you my first thoughts.

    I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. We were together in California 3 months then apart while I was in Florida for 3 months during summer vacation then I came back. That 3 months was HARD! We usually only talked on the weekend, mostly because of the time difference and busy work schedules. We occasionally talked during the week, maybe once or twice a week.

    I understand your anxiety about texts. I'm pretty sure we would go days without texting, but often when I was at work I would get bored and text him or I'd just plain be thinking about him and text him. But I usually regretted texting him because he would often not reply for a while. It wasn't that he was ignoring me, he was just busy with his own life and stuff. But when he texted me out of the blue, oh that was the best feeling ever. And our talks were always much more valuable to me than our text convos.

    I made a point of making myself not text him too often. rejection even in the tiniest most insignificant doses can sting a little. if i did text him, i tried to do it at a time i'd know he was available. if he texted me, i got back to him as soon as i could so he wouldn't feel the same rejection, but i was myself liable of not responding for a while because i was just busy.

    so my point is, one week apart is an incredibly short time and you shouldn't fret. and texts are anxiety builders in the first place. and keep in mind that he's probably uber busy over spring break. so like someone else said, get busy yourself and it won't feel so long or so scary.
  • lorro
    lorro Posts: 917 Member
    I partially hate bringing up things like this cause he thinks it's a bigger deal than it is and beats himself up about it and starts thinking he's a bad boyfriend. I really try to pick and chose my battles since he does blame himself so much. Our last "issue" I brought up, he said that if there are any problems in our relationship then it's not my fault but his. He doesn't seem to really understand that issues are typically both people's fault. He always takes the blame.
    I know he's crazy about me, he just is sooo clueless. He doesn't need as much attention and affection as me. He doesn't understand this though cause he has no previous experience and he's so shy that he usually gets really bashful around girls he likes. I had to make all the first moves or else we probably would have never started to date.

    The guy is crazy about you and you know it. Don't let insecurity ruin a great relationship. Text him when you want to and next time you part tell him how much you love it when he contacts you daily because it reminds you how much he cares and it makes you feel special. Then reward him when he does. Job done :laugh:
  • pigwidgeon82
    pigwidgeon82 Posts: 79 Member
    your young, so the question is perfectly understandable. i have been there. but just letting you know, don't worry about texting him first or whatever. as you get older you will realize that the guys who care when you text or if you text or call first aren't the ones worth keeping around!
  • logicandlove
    logicandlove Posts: 191 Member
    My bf and I have been together for a year, we're still crazy in love, and we want to get married when I'm done with school — and he has the same personality that yours seems to. He's shy, reserved, and bad at communicating through text. When we're together it's easier because I know how to get him to open up and talk, but when we're not together for a bit, it can be hard. But honestly, don't let your insecurities get the better of you.

    What I will also say is this, though — if it's an issue that continues to bother you, bring it up. Not constantly, not emotionally or dramatically, but just, in a conversation, let him understand how it makes you feel, and ask him if he could maybe work on it. You can't expect him to change his habits overnight, if at all, but if he doesn't realize what he's doing, bringing it to his attention might help. Good luck <3
  • hedwighigh
    hedwighigh Posts: 299
    Well, I called him up. He just didn't have anything to say so he didn't call or text.

    We didn't have a whole lot to say on the phone either but it was still nice to hear his voice and I think he liked hearing mine too.
    I told him that he should call or text me or something *hint hint* and I told him that I feel like I'm bothering him cause he hates texting but he said it was fine.

    I didn't most of the talking but he's never been one to have much to say but when he does that's when he talks alot.
    It's difficult talking on the phone, I talk AWAY more than he does so obviously it's mainly me talking. I told him I feel like our conversations have better flow face-to-face and he was like "Really? I feel like this is about normal." I still feel like he talks more when we're in person. Regardless, I feel better. I told him that I was starting to feel like he was mad at me or something and that really confused him. I just told him that I'm a woman and I'm crazy so he should just ignore it. LOL.

    It was nice though, I told him that I loved him and missed him and he said he loved me and missed me too.
    He's not really the type to say it first but he is the type that won't say it back unless he means it. Of at the very least ... he's horrible at lying. I could tell that any problems I was making up in my head ... were just in my head. He's a sweet guy, just awkward.

    I guess we're just going to have the type of relationship where the girl initiates contact. I guess I really am the "man" in the relationship. It balances out though :happy:
  • Fockertots
    Fockertots Posts: 221
    [/quote]

    I have never met a young adult who hates texting as much as him either.
    [/quote]

    I had to teach mine how to text. Seems ridiculous... the dude honestly had NEVER done it before.
  • EBFNP
    EBFNP Posts: 529 Member
    Maybe he needs space, and he doesn't know how to tell you? Is he introverted? I re-read your post, and I think he just needs space, and you are the touchy feeling type person, and he is the opposite. That can wear an introvert out, and they can come to resent constant contact. Once a day, but all the time it can be draining.

    Or he can possibly just be pushing you away because he wants to end the relationship. Communication solves it all, IMO

    Honestly, texting isn't a great way to communicate. You have the ability to "plan" and dictate the way the messages are conveyed. I honestly wouldn't want to text in the beginning of a relationship. It takes away the intimacy and really getting to know the person.
  • hedwighigh
    hedwighigh Posts: 299

    I have never met a young adult who hates texting as much as him either.
    [/quote]

    I had to teach mine how to text. Seems ridiculous... the dude honestly had NEVER done it before.
    [/quote]

    Well, I did tell him on the phone that I didn't want to bother him texting cause I know he hates it and he said it wasn't a big deal and it wasn't bothering him. I know he hates it though, his friends were shocked when they found out how much he texts me back. He's just not much of a "media-communicator" which makes long distance difficult. Luckily, I won't have to deal with that this summer cause I have an internship where he's from.
    And ... he doesn't want to break up with me.
    Seriously, he was happy to hear from me and before we got off the phone he was trying to figure out how to discuss when we would talk again but I don't see a point since neither one of us had much to talk about. I don't think either one of us saw much of a point, so I'll probably text him a couple of more times and see him on Sunday or Monday.
  • hedwighigh
    hedwighigh Posts: 299
    Maybe he needs space, and he doesn't know how to tell you? Is he introverted? Or he can possibly just be pushing you away because he wants to end the relationship. Communication solves it all, IMO

    Honestly, texting isn't a great way to communicate. You have the ability to "plan" and dictate the way the messages are conveyed. I honestly wouldn't want to text in the beginning of a relationship. It takes away the intimacy and really getting to know the person.

    He's just introverted - he's not pushing me away or needing space. He gets plenty. Both of us do.
    It's not often that we utilize texting cause again, we usually see each other for at least 30 minutes every day since our campus is tiny. I'm just glad we're not in the same major anymore or we would never not see each other.
  • EBFNP
    EBFNP Posts: 529 Member
    Maybe he needs space, and he doesn't know how to tell you? Is he introverted? Or he can possibly just be pushing you away because he wants to end the relationship. Communication solves it all, IMO

    Honestly, texting isn't a great way to communicate. You have the ability to "plan" and dictate the way the messages are conveyed. I honestly wouldn't want to text in the beginning of a relationship. It takes away the intimacy and really getting to know the person.

    He's just introverted - he's not pushing me away or needing space. He gets plenty. Both of us do.
    It's not often that we utilize texting cause again, we usually see each other for at least 30 minutes every day since our campus is tiny. I'm just glad we're not in the same major anymore or we would never not see each other.

    Yeah, introverts need ALOT of personal space though even from significant others. Just something to think about if you move near by.
  • elenathegreat
    elenathegreat Posts: 3,988 Member
    When my husband and I were first dating, we lived over three hours away from eachother and he didn't have a phone(no cell phones, this was over twenty-five years ago). He would drive into town(about 45 min.) every week or so to use the public phone...we'd talk for hours...and letters, we wrote the silliest letters...
    Any way it's hard for me to translate our type of relationship into the IM world of today, but I say text him or call him, what have you got to lose?
  • hedwighigh
    hedwighigh Posts: 299
    Maybe he needs space, and he doesn't know how to tell you? Is he introverted? Or he can possibly just be pushing you away because he wants to end the relationship. Communication solves it all, IMO

    Honestly, texting isn't a great way to communicate. You have the ability to "plan" and dictate the way the messages are conveyed. I honestly wouldn't want to text in the beginning of a relationship. It takes away the intimacy and really getting to know the person.

    He's just introverted - he's not pushing me away or needing space. He gets plenty. Both of us do.
    It's not often that we utilize texting cause again, we usually see each other for at least 30 minutes every day since our campus is tiny. I'm just glad we're not in the same major anymore or we would never not see each other.

    Yeah, introverts need ALOT of personal space though even from significant others. Just something to think about if you move near by.

    That's true, I never thought about that. I've always dated extroverts. I doubt we'll see each other a TON when I'm living nearby cause I'll be working full-time and such while he should also be working too. Since he's graduating this May, he's in the process of finding a job. I don't graduate until December ... that will definitely be a test for our relationship.
  • hedwighigh
    hedwighigh Posts: 299
    When my husband and I were first dating, we lived over three hours away from eachother and he didn't have a phone(no cell phones, this was over twenty-five years ago). He would drive into town(about 45 min.) every week or so to use the public phone...we'd talk for hours...and letters, we wrote the silliest letters...
    Any way it's hard for me to translate our type of relationship into the IM world of today, but I say text him or call him, what have you got to lose?

    LOL. I just called him not long ago. It went well, I was completely over-thinking things ... as usual. I told him I felt like I was bothering him and he told me that I wasn't bothering him. The lack of communication was really just because he had nothing to say. Truthfully, I didn't have much to say either but he knew I was trying so he tried too.
    He's not the type to start a conversation and he has difficulties sometimes with continuing conversations too but he's at least better at continuing them than starting them.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
    I personally hate talking on the phone. I'll avoid it no matter what. I'll text someone back instead of calling them, But if I see them in person, I can talk forever. Some people just hate technology. You will have to figure out how to work your relationship without relying on technology...and maybe that is a good thing!
  • hedwighigh
    hedwighigh Posts: 299
    I personally hate talking on the phone. I'll avoid it no matter what. I'll text someone back instead of calling them, But if I see them in person, I can talk forever. Some people just hate technology. You will have to figure out how to work your relationship without relying on technology...and maybe that is a good thing!

    Yea, I get that too. I like texting, but I'm not a huge fan of phones myself. It's awkward not seeing the other person's face and my boyfriend is very expressive in his face (which is why he can't lie). This helps when I talk about issues with him cause then I don't have to see his pained expression but otherwise, I'm not a fan.
    It's funny that he hates texting and I can tell he's not a big fan of the phone but he's a computer science major. You won't see him without a computer.
  • Fockertots
    Fockertots Posts: 221

    I have never met a young adult who hates texting as much as him either.

    I had to teach mine how to text. Seems ridiculous... the dude honestly had NEVER done it before.
    [/quote]

    Well, I did tell him on the phone that I didn't want to bother him texting cause I know he hates it and he said it wasn't a big deal and it wasn't bothering him. I know he hates it though, his friends were shocked when they found out how much he texts me back. He's just not much of a "media-communicator" which makes long distance difficult. Luckily, I won't have to deal with that this summer cause I have an internship where he's from.
    And ... he doesn't want to break up with me.
    Seriously, he was happy to hear from me and before we got off the phone he was trying to figure out how to discuss when we would talk again but I don't see a point since neither one of us had much to talk about. I don't think either one of us saw much of a point, so I'll probably text him a couple of more times and see him on Sunday or Monday.
    [/quote]

    my ex was the same way. I'd text him and he'd never respond. Then I'd say something in relation to the text subject and he'd be like, "oh yeah. That was funny," and I was always like..... "so why didn't you acknowledge that you GOT the text?" He simply look at me and go, "Well it wasn't a question.... I didn't know it needed a response." ha. Dudes...
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