Divorce/ LTR break-ups

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Pamela3
Pamela3 Posts: 96 Member
in Chit-Chat
I'm just curious if any of you have been in a marriage or a long relationship where you ultimately realized that no matter how much you care for the other person you're just not as happy with them as you think you should be? You are completely different people, with different interests and thought processes of life, you spend quantity time together but not quality and no matter how many conversations/arguments or personal efforts to make a positive change for whatever it is you're feeling unfulfilled about and ultimately nothing changes.

Maybe when you met things were great and then you grew into apart instead of with eachother and now you are ultimately just so different it can no longer be ignored....

Did it seem easier to feel trapped and suffer rather than hurt the other person?

What did you do and how did you get through it?
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Replies

  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    Yes. Right now. After 21 years together. All the things you described and I am still working through the feeling trapped to avoid hurting him.
  • shanlynt
    shanlynt Posts: 754 Member
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    15 years, feel very trapped and stifled
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,370 Member
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    As an outsider looking in let me offer one bit of advice.

    Do not try to tough it out silently,it will not get better unless openly addressed and worked on together.
    It may mean the end of the road and all that entails or it may mean a stronger relationship after but trust me,no festering wound magically gets better without some sort of treatment.

    Left on its own you will be miserable for as long as you stick it out and will ultimately end up exactly in the place you are today.
    Talk it out with your partner and know exactly all outcomes,your happiness is just as important as his.
  • CoryIda
    CoryIda Posts: 7,887 Member
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    I'm in the middle of this right now.

    We're separated now and I will be filing for divorce very soon.

    I hate failing at something that is SUPPOSED to last forever but I am not the same person I was when we got married and so even if he changed the behaviors that drove me to separate, there is no going back.

    We have known each other for 7 years. The last year and a half is when all of the "stuff" happened to change our relationship.
  • Trail_Addict
    Trail_Addict Posts: 1,350 Member
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    15 years.... last 5 felt trapped. Took a lot of courage to chew through my ankle and find freedom & happiness.
  • Loislaine61
    Loislaine61 Posts: 49
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    Pamela,

    You just wrote my story. 23 years for me. As you say, at first it was good, but as time went on things deteriorated. We had several rounds of counciling. When he came home from work I never knew who was coming through the door, Mr. Charming or Mr. Enraged. For my own mental health I had to leave. I can't offer any suggestions because I'm still working things out. I'm hoping this time next year I'll have my feet on the ground. Things are improving with the help of my family.

    If you are struggling with this I suggest you just make a decision one way or the other. You can't live happy teetering on the fence.
  • Pamela3
    Pamela3 Posts: 96 Member
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    Thank you all for sharing this with me. I'm in this position. Together for 5 years, married for 3. I openly talk to him about it, but it turns into my problem becuase he's perfectly happy.

    I completely understand the hate feeling of failing at something that is supposed to last forever.. I do love him, I'm just not sure he's capable of providing what I need in a partner.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    CoryIda, you hit the nail right on the head. I am not the same person I was 21 years ago and even if he changed the behaviors that make me nutty, it just can't work anymore.

    My biggest struggle about this is that he's really a nice person. But not the right person for me. I really don't want to hurt him, and this will hurt him, but I am and have been very unhappy. For several years.
  • MMoore_91
    MMoore_91 Posts: 10
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    I agree with Carl 100%!
  • smplycomplicated
    smplycomplicated Posts: 484 Member
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    Thank you all for sharing this with me. I'm in this position. Together for 5 years, married for 3. I openly talk to him about it, but it turns into my problem becuase he's perfectly happy.

    I completely understand the hate feeling of failing at something that is supposed to last forever.. I do love him, I'm just not sure he's capable of providing what I need in a partner.

    It's not -your- problem. If he's perfectly happy, then he doesn't care for you as much as he should. If you truly love someone you would want them to be as happy as you, and if they weren't you would want to do as much as you could to make that happen.

    Not telling you to leave, But i'm definitely not telling you to stay.
  • CoryIda
    CoryIda Posts: 7,887 Member
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    CoryIda, you hit the nail right on the head. I am not the same person I was 21 years ago and even if he changed the behaviors that make me nutty, it just can't work anymore.

    My biggest struggle about this is that he's really a nice person. But not the right person for me. I really don't want to hurt him, and this will hurt him, but I am and have been very unhappy. For several years.
    Exactly. My soon-to-be-ex is a very, very nice person. He just isn't a good husband for me and, quite honestly, I'm not a good wife for him either, although he disagrees.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    CoryIda, you hit the nail right on the head. I am not the same person I was 21 years ago and even if he changed the behaviors that make me nutty, it just can't work anymore.

    My biggest struggle about this is that he's really a nice person. But not the right person for me. I really don't want to hurt him, and this will hurt him, but I am and have been very unhappy. For several years.
    Exactly. My soon-to-be-ex is a very, very nice person. He just isn't a good husband for me and, quite honestly, I'm not a good wife for him either, although he disagrees.

    That hits it even more on the head. I am not a good wife for him, either. I am not nearly as nice as I should/could be if I were actually happy. That's not fair to him, either. But he'd live the rest of his life obliviously married to me.
  • craigers13
    craigers13 Posts: 241 Member
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    I'm in the middle of this right now.

    We're separated now and I will be filing for divorce very soon.

    I hate failing at something that is SUPPOSED to last forever but I am not the same person I was when we got married and so even if he changed the behaviors that drove me to separate, there is no going back.

    We have known each other for 7 years. The last year and a half is when all of the "stuff" happened to change our relationship.

    This almost fits me to a tee. Looking back we probably let things go a little to far. Even though we still care for each other we have come to the conclusion that as we got older our life outlooks have changed and we both want different things. It was very, VERY tough to go through but coming out on the other side of it we both know we are better off. We have managed to keep it civil and we get along just fine as friends. You have to do what's right for you. It all works out in the end. I'm happy, she's happy and we're both moving on :)
  • Slice1
    Slice1 Posts: 193 Member
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    I was married for 10 months. I was with the guy for 4.5 years total though. Never should have gotten married. I was miserable.
    I wanted out so bad, but kept trying to make it work.

    Finally one week he was really mean to my son (not his son) who was 6 at the time. That was the breaking point. There was no way I was going to tolerate that. I called my dad to come get myself and my son and our stuff. Never looked back.

    I'm glad I did it. Life is too short to be miserable. I'm now in a happy, healthy relationship.
  • Loislaine61
    Loislaine61 Posts: 49
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    My X is also a very nice person. We're just not right for each other anymore. I struggled a long time with my decision.
  • Happymom12
    Happymom12 Posts: 114 Member
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    As an outsider looking in let me offer one bit of advice.

    Do not try to tough it out silently,it will not get better unless openly addressed and worked on together.
    It may mean the end of the road and all that entails or it may mean a stronger relationship after but trust me,no festering wound magically gets better without some sort of treatment.

    Left on its own you will be miserable for as long as you stick it out and will ultimately end up exactly in the place you are today.
    Talk it out with your partner and know exactly all outcomes,your happiness is just as important as his.

    I agree with this. No need to be unhappy. Talk it out and work on it to get better or get out. Praying for all of you guys having issues that a solution will come and unhappiness will be removed.
  • Farfourah
    Farfourah Posts: 899 Member
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    Married for eight months, I filed for divorce this past Monday. We've been separated for about three months...I just want it to be over pretty much.
  • alladream
    alladream Posts: 261 Member
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    I have been in that situation a lot over the years, but this time am with someone who is genuinely decent, although the last few years have been hell on and off due to things with health, money, stress, distance to see each other, partner's kids, whatever--but it's actually worth it, this time. I think real relationships simply take some work and some understanding that stuff isn't perfect, so you have to figure out what's really best, whether it's moving on or sticking with it and changing yourself in healthy ways--
  • BrienJD
    BrienJD Posts: 541 Member
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    16 years gone, married for only 10. Shoud have ended ot sooner and spared a whole lot of hurt. Stubborn or just unwilling to give up, still don't know.
  • TxAlpha
    TxAlpha Posts: 180 Member
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    More oftern than not, the person that loses the weight is the one that finds all the problems with the relationship. Or the person who gets the job and makes all the money, or the person thats on top of life. In short, no one stays the same forever and as you change so does your mate. It's selfish to want out becasue you have changed and you haven't tried to teach your mate how to please the new you.....no matter what it is the new you likes or wants)......Just my opinion.....don't try and trade up because you've made a change in your life......(80/20 rule applieds here).....

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