Divorce/ LTR break-ups
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I'm just curious if any of you have been in a marriage or a long relationship where you ultimately realized that no matter how much you care for the other person you're just not as happy with them as you think you should be? You are completely different people, with different interests and thought processes of life, you spend quantity time together but not quality and no matter how many conversations/arguments or personal efforts to make a positive change for whatever it is you're feeling unfulfilled about and ultimately nothing changes.
Maybe when you met things were great and then you grew into apart instead of with eachother and now you are ultimately just so different it can no longer be ignored....
Did it seem easier to feel trapped and suffer rather than hurt the other person?
What did you do and how did you get through it?
I am in a LTR where I feel trapped and not sure what to do. I love him to death but so unhappy. Every time I talk about or even mention the possibility that we should move on, it hits him hard and I ultimately get sucked back into trying harder. It’s been this way for almost a year now and not getting better. I don't think it’s better to suffer because at some point you will end up hurting them either by you lying (being happy with them) or you will finally explode!
If you can tell me how to break the chain I would owe u big time!0 -
I'm in the middle of this right now.
We're separated now and I will be filing for divorce very soon.
I hate failing at something that is SUPPOSED to last forever but I am not the same person I was when we got married and so even if he changed the behaviors that drove me to separate, there is no going back.
We have known each other for 7 years. The last year and a half is when all of the "stuff" happened to change our relationship.
This is pretty much my exact same story. Left my husband in September, working towards divorce (financial issues come first, ugh!!) I changed & realized I was doing it more for everyone else than myself. I finally grew a pair & acknowledged my feelings and ultimately told him I wanted out. Best decision I ever made, even though it's been the toughest. Looking back & saying 'what if' is the worst feeling ever. Go with your gut & don't turn back.0 -
I was in a relationship for 16 years, married 12. When we met we were just teenagers. He was such a part of my identity, that it made it very difficult for me to let go of the relationship. I can tell you that "sticking it out" is counterproductive, all that it produces is a feeling of emptiness and resentment because you do all of this "work" and at the end of the day it still doesn't work. I know for me, it was harder to let go of the things that i had wished for us in my head..more children, spending our life together, having a partner....than the REALITY of our relationship. Take your time and make a true assessment of your situation and decide what is worth fighting for your marriage or peace of mind.0
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I just left my wife of 1 year...she is devastated because she wants to be in this marriage so bad. I'm just not happy...She thinks its something we can work on, together. We cant....I'm not in it anymore. I wish i could ease her pain but i can't stay in a marriage where im not happy anymore. I feel a great sense of relief right now. I love her and i always will, but im not in love.0
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Being nice does not pay off. Two people in here described their husbands (likely to be ex husbands as nice). Better to be perceived as confident, attractive, exciting. If the attraction isn't maintained, stuff like this happens.
It is so hard to pick a person to be with for the rest of your life in your 20s. So much is going on.0 -
I found this one day... and it's VERY interesting... I'm not saying it applies to anyone here or trying to imply anything at all by posting this link. I lot of the things hit home with things I've seen and observed in today's world with friends and acquaintances of mine. I think it's worth a look.
I'm actually very tempted to get this book and read it.... looks like a very interesting read.
http://womensinfidelity.com/
Well, that pretty much hits the nail on the head. . for me at least. . But that book is $100 freaking bucks!0 -
I should also add that my parents have been married for over 25 years and for at least 7, maybe 10, of those years they have hated each other, but won't divorce for their own moral and financial reasons. It isn't a good place to be-- my youngest brother and sister both have extreme rage problems which im sure come from all the fighting and it gets really uncomfortable, really quick at many a holiday function even tho we are all grown up now.
On the other side of the spectrum, my mom's best friends husband left her for another woman because he said he wasn't happy and she never recovered. She's more and more reclusive and its going on 5 years and has unmanageable depression. It's not easy on either end, to stick it out or end it.
All I can say is we only get ONE life and ultimately, for our own sake, we sometimes have to be selfish. We can't make every decision in our lives based on everyone else. I'm sure putting ourselves a side is how most of us got here to MFP.
Good luck in a very tough situation. Ultimately you are the captain of your own destiny!0 -
20 years will soon be over. TN is a terrible state for divorce due to 50/50 law regardless of what the other party never contributed to! Grrrrr. But freedom will feel great compared to this $h!t. It's total lack of emotional support.0
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Being nice does not pay off. Two people in here described their husbands (likely to be ex husbands as nice). Better to be perceived as confident, attractive, exciting. If the attraction isn't maintained, stuff like this happens.
It is so hard to pick a person to be with for the rest of your life in your 20s. So much is going on.
THIS^^^^ is so very true! There is a reason they say "nice guys finish last"... you have to fall somewhere in the middle.0 -
Being nice does not pay off. Two people in here described their husbands (likely to be ex husbands as nice). Better to be perceived as confident, attractive, exciting. If the attraction isn't maintained, stuff like this happens.
It is so hard to pick a person to be with for the rest of your life in your 20s. So much is going on.
THIS^^^^ is so very true! There is a reason they say "nice guys finish last"... you have to fall somewhere in the middle.
That middle is so hard to find whether it is a first date or you've been with someone for 20 years. It isn't over when you are married anymore. You still have to work to keep the attraction up.0 -
Going through the same right now.. Me & My wife have separated and final hearing is in May... For far too many years we've been more like "room mates" than husband and wife.. We were in the same boat 2 yrs ago and called everything off for one last try.. But... still ended right back in the same place. The hardest part in my case is we have always been, as still remain, very good friends... SO, there does come a time when, you do need to cut away all the bad baggage and move on so you can be happy... whether it's alone or with someone new... best of luck to you...0
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Sadly I went through this situation. I kinda blindsided my ex since I didn't communicate and when I did I pretty much blamed her. We tried counseling but at the time I had already made the decision I would rather be single the rest of my life than be unhappy. We had different priorities in life, different lifestyles, different faiths and major family problems.
We were together 3 years before getting married. She was away at college the whole time and we pretty much just spent weekends and summers together. We weren't allowed to live together before getting married and I think that was a huge misstep.
I also realized about 2 years after the divorce I had been pretty depressed since before we were married. So I do wonder if things would have been different if I had realized that then and taken medication.
I haven't talked to my ex in over 4 years and I can say I still love her in a way. If she called me and needed something I would help her immediately. I miss her family but haven't talked to them either.
In the end it was like we were friends living together. No sex, I didn't want it and neither did she. Things she did annoyed me and things I did annoyed her. She didn't appreciated the things I did and always wanted more. Luckily there weren't any kids involved and I made it pretty easy on her to end things since I wanted it.
I wish you the best though. If you still love him maybe there is something that can be done to save the marriage. Don't give up without a fight!0 -
ugh....touchy topic for me. I got married when I was 16 and he was 19. We were so young, but of course I thought I knew what I was doing. Love is blind, and stupid, especially when you're young. I tried to separate from him early in our marriage because all we did was fight (not real fights, more like silent fights), but he was hurt and furious, so I changed my mind. I got pregnant soon after...and things just got worse...and then I got pregnant again and we had another baby. It's been so very hard these last few years. I really do love him, but we don't want the same things in life, we don't enjoy the same things, we are nothing alike! And the worse thing, the thing that causes the most tension between us, is that sexually, we are totally different. I tried to separate from him again a year ago, because he was having a drug and alcohol problem, but again, I changed my mind. The first time I decided not to end it was for him, the second time was for my kids. There is no room in my life to be selfish and do something because I need to, just for me...I'm a wife and a mother and I chose to do those things, however young and misguided I was, it doesnt matter, I can't hurt everyone else because of my mistakes. It sucks, and I get really depressed, which has contributed to my weight gain, hence why I am even on here in the first place...
Anyway, if it wasn't for my kids, I don't believe I would still be married. It's been almost six years that we've been married, seven and a half that we've been together total, so I'm just hoping it gets better. I'm doing everything I can now to hold it together for everyone and not break down, and hopefully that pays off one day because I do love my family.0 -
ugh....touchy topic for me. I got married when I was 16 and he was 19. We were so young, but of course I thought I knew what I was doing. Love is blind, and stupid, especially when you're young. I tried to separate from him early in our marriage because all we did was fight (not real fights, more like silent fights), but he was hurt and furious, so I changed my mind. I got pregnant soon after...and things just got worse...and then I got pregnant again and we had another baby. It's been so very hard these last few years. I really do love him, but we don't want the same things in life, we don't enjoy the same things, we are nothing alike! And the worse thing, the thing that causes the most tension between us, is that sexually, we are totally different. I tried to separate from him again a year ago, because he was having a drug and alcohol problem, but again, I changed my mind. The first time I decided not to end it was for him, the second time was for my kids. There is no room in my life to be selfish and do something because I need to, just for me...I'm a wife and a mother and I chose to do those things, however young and misguided I was, it doesnt matter, I can't hurt everyone else because of my mistakes. It sucks, and I get really depressed, which has contributed to my weight gain, hence why I am even on here in the first place...
Anyway, if it wasn't for my kids, I don't believe I would still be married. It's been almost six years that we've been married, seven and a half that we've been together total, so I'm just hoping it gets better. I'm doing everything I can now to hold it together for everyone and not break down, and hopefully that pays off one day because I do love my family.
Take a second and read what you wrote about your situation then ask yourself if right now you are doing your children a good service by being miserable.
There are things in life that are going to hurt people,no matter what happens that is going to be the case,you will not hide your unhappiness from them nor should they be misled into thinking a person with a drug and alcohol problem is a normal or acceptable thing.
Unless something changes and perhaps work and counseling can do that,the "picture" you are trying to create will always be a false one and will not endure. :flowerforyou:0 -
I was with my ex for almost 6 years. We were two different people by the end, I had completely changed for the better, and he was stuck in his old ways.
Looking back I wish I left sooner, I started to feel the differences by year 3. Once I left I felt free, I felt like I had a shot at a new beginning. Never looking back!
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This right here is what I feel...i tell him all the time I feel like i'm living with a cousin or roommate rather than being marrIedGoing through the same right now.. Me & My wife have separated and final hearing is in May... For far too many years we've been more like "room mates" than husband and wife.. We were in the same boat 2 yrs ago and called everything off for one last try.. But... still ended right back in the same place. The hardest part in my case is we have always been, as still remain, very good friends... SO, there does come a time when, you do need to cut away all the bad baggage and move on so you can be happy... whether it's alone or with someone new... best of luck to you...0
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About a year into my first marriage my husband starting withdrawing. Two years into our marriage he abruptly told me he didn't want to be married anymore. I went to counseling by myself, then brought him, and the counselor told me "I don't need to see you any more - he's the one who has all the issues.' I left immediately, and it was though a weight had been taken off my shoulders. I was raised Catholic - the divorce cost me my job, my family, and my religion - but it was the right thing to do. It takes TWO people to be committed to a marriage. If one has bailed - emotionally, physically, or otherwise - it will never work, no matter how much the other partner wants it to.
I am now happily married for 16 years to a wonderful, funny, loving man who made me see what a real marriage should be. He was also kicked out of the church when his first wife left him and we got married. Ironically neither of our spouses was Catholic, so go figure. In my view, the church lost the potential for another family by refusing to allow us to remain a part of it, but it's their loss.0 -
Bump0
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ugh....touchy topic for me. I got married when I was 16 and he was 19. We were so young, but of course I thought I knew what I was doing. Love is blind, and stupid, especially when you're young. I tried to separate from him early in our marriage because all we did was fight (not real fights, more like silent fights), but he was hurt and furious, so I changed my mind. I got pregnant soon after...and things just got worse...and then I got pregnant again and we had another baby. It's been so very hard these last few years. I really do love him, but we don't want the same things in life, we don't enjoy the same things, we are nothing alike! And the worse thing, the thing that causes the most tension between us, is that sexually, we are totally different. I tried to separate from him again a year ago, because he was having a drug and alcohol problem, but again, I changed my mind. The first time I decided not to end it was for him, the second time was for my kids. There is no room in my life to be selfish and do something because I need to, just for me...I'm a wife and a mother and I chose to do those things, however young and misguided I was, it doesnt matter, I can't hurt everyone else because of my mistakes. It sucks, and I get really depressed, which has contributed to my weight gain, hence why I am even on here in the first place...
Anyway, if it wasn't for my kids, I don't believe I would still be married. It's been almost six years that we've been married, seven and a half that we've been together total, so I'm just hoping it gets better. I'm doing everything I can now to hold it together for everyone and not break down, and hopefully that pays off one day because I do love my family.
Take a second and read what you wrote about your situation then ask yourself if right now you are doing your children a good service by being miserable.
There are things in life that are going to hurt people,no matter what happens that is going to be the case,you will not hide your unhappiness from them nor should they be misled into thinking a person with a drug and alcohol problem is a normal or acceptable thing.
Unless something changes and perhaps work and counseling can do that,the "picture" you are trying to create will always be a false one and will not endure. :flowerforyou:
I get what you're saying, and thank you
Both my husband and I were raised in households with drugs and alcohol and thats probably why he thinks its normal and acceptable. I, for some reason, took my childhood experience and instead came to the conclusion that it is not acceptable or normal, and I was determined to keep it out of the lives of my children. I gave my husband over two years to stop his bad habits, and I gave that to him because I felt like since I knew about his issues and participated in them with him, until I became pregnant and had my life changing epiphany, that I owed it to him. Finally I gave him an ultimatum, us or drugs, and he still thought he could have both...so I told him to leave. While we were separated he finally got it together and stopped. It's only been 8 or 9 months since we ended the separation and since I'm pretty he hasnt been doing any of that, but I still have huge trust issues left over from all the lying and sneaking around he did. But he did stop doing drugs and drinking. We still have lots of other problems to overcome, but I think that with that one hopefully out of the way for good, that there is some hope for us yet. I do really want that "picture" so maybe I'm fooling myself, but I dont think im ready to give up just yet.0 -
Yes. We were together for 7 years when I realized that love is not enough. Every dream I ever had, all of my ambitions, even dreams I hadn't come up with yet had been buried in just living every day as his "wife". I got so sick of trying to make it work. It was difficult but, I left.
When I left I flourished. It is the best decision I ever made. Ever. I went back to school and got my BA. I lost a *kitten*-ton of weight. I went to all kinds of cool places. I take good risks. I live an amazing, full life now. I have never felt so free and happy as I did in the years that followed our split.
He is not a bad person either. We were just not meant to be together. At our cores we were just too different. No one should have to change who they are at their center to be with another person. He gets to be himself now, and so do I.0 -
I just got out of a 5 year relationship... I was with him since I was 17 years old and he was my first love. We moved in together six months ago and apparently he was "miserable" living with me... wish we would have known this sooner. Thanks all for sharing your own stories. Heartbreak is not fun, but I am getting better and you all will too. 0
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Just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years last night.
I hate hurting him and I wish I could take the pain (I am stronger when it comes to these things) and it sucks but I'm not happy.
I care about him and I want him to do well and find an amazing girl that accepts every piece of him for who he is.
We'll see how this goes, it's been the same issues since I met him and I just keep thinking he will change. But I'm at a point in my life where people are who they are and I'm not going to settle for anything less than what I deserve.
Good luck to you, it's a hard road.0 -
The relationship I had before the one I'm in now was like the above stories. We were together for 6 years and he is an incredibly good person that was not right for me, and we truly brought out the worst in each other towards the end. Most of my friends and family are still in contact with him and miss him. Even though they love how happy I am now, I know deep down they would have been just as happy if I had stayed with him.
At some point I made the decision to not settle for less than being with someone that brought out my best and worst, pushed me to be better and still loved me if I had to step back to regroup, laughed at my ridiculousness and sat in silence with me while I internalize and over think everything, my husband now knows exactly who I am and loves me because of it. Never thought I'd actually find that. :happy:0 -
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this and this is definitely not going to be easy either way. I went through and tried to make it work and my ex filed for divorce. I was devastated at first but then I realized it was the best thing because he was never all in anyway. Ur decision may be different just pray about it and weigh all the consequences then act. Indecision is worse than making the wrong decision.0
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Yes. We were together for 7 years when I realized that love is not enough. Every dream I ever had, all of my ambitions, even dreams I hadn't come up with yet had been buried in just living every day as his "wife". I got so sick of trying to make it work. It was difficult but, I left.
When I left I flourished. It is the best decision I ever made. Ever. I went back to school and got my BA. I lost a *kitten*-ton of weight. I went to all kinds of cool places. I take good risks. I live an amazing, full life now. I have never felt so free and happy as I did in the years that followed our split.
He is not a bad person either. We were just not meant to be together. At our cores we were just too different. No one should have to change who they are at their center to be with another person. He gets to be himself now, and so do I.
This is how I feel... I love him, I really do. But we are so different and it affects so many aspect of the relationship for me. I'm 100% open with him about my feelings, but he seems perfectly fine with "keep trying" and I don't know how long we can keeo trying before I just have enough...
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Married for eight months, I filed for divorce this past Monday. We've been separated for about three months...I just want it to be over pretty much.
married for 4 months, everything that the OP said is what is happening. Currently me and my son are staying at my moms while I figure everything out. I realized that I have one life to live and I should not have to MAKE something work (to me it should just happen). and I do not like being held back from things and I am not the type of person to just DEAL with it.
He is genuinely a great guy but not great for me. I want to strive and move forward and progress whereas he is perfectly fine where he is.0 -
Married for 20 years divorced for 3 - due to his affair - I still love him but will/can never trust him again - We are still best of friends and buddies as we have 2 kids and a grandchild together - people are always amazed that we are exes. BUT I enjoy being single and will stay that way so do what makes you happy 0
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That's how mine was as well. He thought the problems we had were fixable, but they weren't. We had tried for years. It was very difficult to watch him suffer through our break-up. I have never had to hurt anyone before. But really, I would have been the shadow of the person I am today. I was absolutely miserable all the time before. He kept me in a box because he needed to be in one to feel safe. I needed a relationship that was free to grow and fly. He limited himself career-wise, and it kept us in poverty. I knew if I went to college and even just finished my AA I would no longer be intellectually compatible with him. I couldn't keep holding myself back anymore, though. It came down to me or him - either he could hurt for a little while or I could hurt for the rest of my life.Yes. We were together for 7 years when I realized that love is not enough. Every dream I ever had, all of my ambitions, even dreams I hadn't come up with yet had been buried in just living every day as his "wife". I got so sick of trying to make it work. It was difficult but, I left.
When I left I flourished. It is the best decision I ever made. Ever. I went back to school and got my BA. I lost a *kitten*-ton of weight. I went to all kinds of cool places. I take good risks. I live an amazing, full life now. I have never felt so free and happy as I did in the years that followed our split.
He is not a bad person either. We were just not meant to be together. At our cores we were just too different. No one should have to change who they are at their center to be with another person. He gets to be himself now, and so do I.
This is how I feel... I love him, I really do. But we are so different and it affects so many aspect of the relationship for me. I'm 100% open with him about my feelings, but he seems perfectly fine with "keep trying" and I don't know how long we can keeo trying before I just have enough...
I was able to get into a beautiful, healthy, happy relationship after he and I had been split up for almost a year. My ex did remarry the first woman who gave him the time of day. Just - everything was better. I think he'd agree now that it was better for him too.
Bottom line: Breaking up hurts no matter what. You'll both be ok, though. Good luck.0 -
married for 10 years but decided to file for divorce last year. he was unfaithful several years ago but i decided to stay to work on it.
i knew deep inside that he wasn't giving his 100% to me and what i deserved. it was hard making the decision but in the end, i knew we would probably stay together forever being miserable. i felt trapped and often cried from how unhappy i was.
making him leave was the best decision ever. it's different, the future is unknown but i'm truly happy. i feel like i can breath again.0 -
Thanks everyone for sharing your posts.
I have been trying to grapple with the same issues myself right now. 14 years together the last 4 years have been unhappy in marriage but have only questioned myself recently of why. We agree that we view things totally from different angles but we do agree we will be better off without each other i.e. living in the marriage for the sake of the children 10 & 19.
It will be alright on the long run for both of us and the kids will know we both love them immensely and that's important to focus on i think.
Pangs of guilt leading to doubt but i get the sense that this is typically normal. We don;t hate each other, we just want different things.0
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