Divorce/ LTR break-ups
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OK, been there did that got the tee shirt. I am married now 30 years to the right person. on three separate occasions, we split up. we had grown apart, we had nothing in common, we were on the verve of splitting up permanently. He moved out completely one time, and his brothers wife called me and said she was glad, she always knew it would not work out. We were quarreling about little stuff that had no meaning. We were just tired of eachother. we went to counseling, it did not work - and worse the counselor took sides. We eventually went to another counselor, and hit the right one this time. We really worked on this, because we realized we were both good people, what we first loved about each other was still there and buried, but still there. We went away for a few weekends and vowed to work on the stuff the counselor said we should. it got better, slowly, magically almost it got better. We have fought about money, kids, step kids (we were both married before), and other stuff, but the love we first felt is still there, and we are better together than apart.
my first marriage was to an abusive wife beater, who tried to kill me, and i was with him 12 years and right to leave him. This one is a prince, and i am glad we worked it out. Marriage is not easy, but if you dont want to hurt him, you still care for him. Keep trying.... its worth it sometimes. trust me,0 -
Exactly. My soon-to-be-ex is a very, very nice person. He just isn't a good husband for me and, quite honestly, I'm not a good wife for him either, although he disagrees.CoryIda, you hit the nail right on the head. I am not the same person I was 21 years ago and even if he changed the behaviors that make me nutty, it just can't work anymore.
My biggest struggle about this is that he's really a nice person. But not the right person for me. I really don't want to hurt him, and this will hurt him, but I am and have been very unhappy. For several years.
Yes, these are the ones that are the toughest -- when your partner is a nice person, when you do still have some good moments, when it's not all bad... I agree with the other post that said "A truly nice person would also care about YOUR happiness" though some people just can't comprehend others or accept that they are no longer "the right fit". My best friend and my sister both went through this. Sometimes people leave a marriage or LTR "for another person" but that's not the real reason for leaving. Underlying unhappiness is the reason. If discussions and counseling aren't helping (and please try a number of different counselors b/c most of them are NOT that good), and it has been more than just a few months, then it is time to decide the next steps -- and how different decisions will affect all family members.
Life is precious and much too short. Don't suffer unhappiness. For those who have been unhappy and feeling trapped for years, but worry about hurting their partner -- don't worry about that!!! I'm not saying "Don't care about your spouse." To reword what Corylda wrote, An unhappy partner really isn't a great partner for their spouse anyway!
It may hurt us to think our spouse could also end up happier with someone else, but that should make it easier to move on. You love your spouse, but don't want to live/be with him any longer. Let him go, re-find happiness yourself, and let him find happiness with someone else. If I were a husband, I would feel terrible knowing my wife felt trapped and unhappy. If the guy says He's perfectly happy, then it is definitely time to Move On.0 -
I have a theory about relationships. . I think when you start out, you and your partner are two parallel lines traveling into the future. As time goes on you both constantly change. If you change in ways that are compatible, the lines twist and turn, but stay more-or-less parallel. . if you change in ways that aren't compatible, your lines diverge. . You can and should do everything you can to bring yourselves back together and understanding each other and how you've each changed is step one. . but sometimes the distance is just too great and probably growing. . At some point, it just doesn't make sense to keep trying. .
I have a young child and I tried to hold on for his sake. i never believed those who claimed that sometimes it's better for the kid for the parents to split. I thought that was just excuse making to alleviate the guilt of those who put themselves and their happiness above the well-being of their children. . What a difference a divorce makes! LOL! Maybe I'm doing it now, but my son changed almost immediately. He went from a sullen, unhappy kid to an amazing, sweet, funny, and yes, HAPPY boy! He wakes up smiling and goes to bed smiling. . He was living in a pressure cooker. . I didn't even know it. You know that tension that you have with your spouse / significant other? The kid feels it too. . and more intensely than you do!0 -
Been there. I feel for you. Its hard to divorce when you don't believe in divorce. Now I believe divorce was a gift from God. No irony. My god loves me. It gets better. Stay strong. Realize that the pricess can be wrenching and crazy making and then it gets better. Non-ironic flower for all of you.0
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That is so true0
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that is so true0
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Yes...I felt that way after almost 12 years with my high school sweetheart. I loved him, as he is a wonderful person with a kind heart; but I realized that, to be truly happy, I needed to leave. It wasn't easy, but I did it. Looking back (over 6 years later) I'm so glad I made the "selfish" decision and did what made ME happy.
Today, I am happily married to my best friend in the world. Had I stayed with my ex, I would not be smiling, laughing, and having fun every day (as I am now.) I thank my lucky stars that I had the courage to recognize that life will change many things...even your heart.
LIVE FOR YOU!!!:flowerforyou:0 -
I found this one day... and it's VERY interesting... I'm not saying it applies to anyone here or trying to imply anything at all by posting this link. I lot of the things hit home with things I've seen and observed in today's world with friends and acquaintances of mine. I think it's worth a look.
I'm actually very tempted to get this book and read it.... looks like a very interesting read.
http://womensinfidelity.com/0 -
I'm just curious if any of you have been in a marriage or a long relationship where you ultimately realized that no matter how much you care for the other person you're just not as happy with them as you think you should be? You are completely different people, with different interests and thought processes of life, you spend quantity time together but not quality and no matter how many conversations/arguments or personal efforts to make a positive change for whatever it is you're feeling unfulfilled about and ultimately nothing changes.
Maybe when you met things were great and then you grew into apart instead of with eachother and now you are ultimately just so different it can no longer be ignored....
Did it seem easier to feel trapped and suffer rather than hurt the other person?
What did you do and how did you get through it?
I went through this a few years ago, not marriage/divorce, but a 10 year relationship ending. First 5 or 6 years were great and the next 4 were spent fighting constantly and generally being unhappy.
I tried both routes. I tried to accept being trapped and suffer rather than move on, both to not hurt the other person and because I was afraid. I was miserable and all I did was act out, trying to get attention where I could get it to make up for what I was missing. Ofc nothing did make up for it.
I met my husband while still in a LTR. I thought and wanted to end it and give it a go with hubby, but at the last minute fear left me trapped and i let hubby go. Luckily for me I got a second chance with my hubby and after much drama and thought decided I had every right to find my own happiness.
I took the leap and we've been happily married for 4 years. Looking back I can't believe I ever considered staying in an unhappy, unsatisfying relationship and turning my back on the greatest man and family a woman could ever ask for!0 -
I'm just curious if any of you have been in a marriage or a long relationship where you ultimately realized that no matter how much you care for the other person you're just not as happy with them as you think you should be? You are completely different people, with different interests and thought processes of life, you spend quantity time together but not quality and no matter how many conversations/arguments or personal efforts to make a positive change for whatever it is you're feeling unfulfilled about and ultimately nothing changes.
Maybe when you met things were great and then you grew into apart instead of with eachother and now you are ultimately just so different it can no longer be ignored....
Did it seem easier to feel trapped and suffer rather than hurt the other person?
What did you do and how did you get through it?
I am in a LTR where I feel trapped and not sure what to do. I love him to death but so unhappy. Every time I talk about or even mention the possibility that we should move on, it hits him hard and I ultimately get sucked back into trying harder. It’s been this way for almost a year now and not getting better. I don't think it’s better to suffer because at some point you will end up hurting them either by you lying (being happy with them) or you will finally explode!
If you can tell me how to break the chain I would owe u big time!0 -
I'm in the middle of this right now.
We're separated now and I will be filing for divorce very soon.
I hate failing at something that is SUPPOSED to last forever but I am not the same person I was when we got married and so even if he changed the behaviors that drove me to separate, there is no going back.
We have known each other for 7 years. The last year and a half is when all of the "stuff" happened to change our relationship.
This is pretty much my exact same story. Left my husband in September, working towards divorce (financial issues come first, ugh!!) I changed & realized I was doing it more for everyone else than myself. I finally grew a pair & acknowledged my feelings and ultimately told him I wanted out. Best decision I ever made, even though it's been the toughest. Looking back & saying 'what if' is the worst feeling ever. Go with your gut & don't turn back.0 -
I was in a relationship for 16 years, married 12. When we met we were just teenagers. He was such a part of my identity, that it made it very difficult for me to let go of the relationship. I can tell you that "sticking it out" is counterproductive, all that it produces is a feeling of emptiness and resentment because you do all of this "work" and at the end of the day it still doesn't work. I know for me, it was harder to let go of the things that i had wished for us in my head..more children, spending our life together, having a partner....than the REALITY of our relationship. Take your time and make a true assessment of your situation and decide what is worth fighting for your marriage or peace of mind.0
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I just left my wife of 1 year...she is devastated because she wants to be in this marriage so bad. I'm just not happy...She thinks its something we can work on, together. We cant....I'm not in it anymore. I wish i could ease her pain but i can't stay in a marriage where im not happy anymore. I feel a great sense of relief right now. I love her and i always will, but im not in love.0
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Being nice does not pay off. Two people in here described their husbands (likely to be ex husbands as nice). Better to be perceived as confident, attractive, exciting. If the attraction isn't maintained, stuff like this happens.
It is so hard to pick a person to be with for the rest of your life in your 20s. So much is going on.0 -
I found this one day... and it's VERY interesting... I'm not saying it applies to anyone here or trying to imply anything at all by posting this link. I lot of the things hit home with things I've seen and observed in today's world with friends and acquaintances of mine. I think it's worth a look.
I'm actually very tempted to get this book and read it.... looks like a very interesting read.
http://womensinfidelity.com/
Well, that pretty much hits the nail on the head. . for me at least. . But that book is $100 freaking bucks!0 -
I should also add that my parents have been married for over 25 years and for at least 7, maybe 10, of those years they have hated each other, but won't divorce for their own moral and financial reasons. It isn't a good place to be-- my youngest brother and sister both have extreme rage problems which im sure come from all the fighting and it gets really uncomfortable, really quick at many a holiday function even tho we are all grown up now.
On the other side of the spectrum, my mom's best friends husband left her for another woman because he said he wasn't happy and she never recovered. She's more and more reclusive and its going on 5 years and has unmanageable depression. It's not easy on either end, to stick it out or end it.
All I can say is we only get ONE life and ultimately, for our own sake, we sometimes have to be selfish. We can't make every decision in our lives based on everyone else. I'm sure putting ourselves a side is how most of us got here to MFP.
Good luck in a very tough situation. Ultimately you are the captain of your own destiny!0 -
20 years will soon be over. TN is a terrible state for divorce due to 50/50 law regardless of what the other party never contributed to! Grrrrr. But freedom will feel great compared to this $h!t. It's total lack of emotional support.0
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Being nice does not pay off. Two people in here described their husbands (likely to be ex husbands as nice). Better to be perceived as confident, attractive, exciting. If the attraction isn't maintained, stuff like this happens.
It is so hard to pick a person to be with for the rest of your life in your 20s. So much is going on.
THIS^^^^ is so very true! There is a reason they say "nice guys finish last"... you have to fall somewhere in the middle.0 -
Being nice does not pay off. Two people in here described their husbands (likely to be ex husbands as nice). Better to be perceived as confident, attractive, exciting. If the attraction isn't maintained, stuff like this happens.
It is so hard to pick a person to be with for the rest of your life in your 20s. So much is going on.
THIS^^^^ is so very true! There is a reason they say "nice guys finish last"... you have to fall somewhere in the middle.
That middle is so hard to find whether it is a first date or you've been with someone for 20 years. It isn't over when you are married anymore. You still have to work to keep the attraction up.0
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