Forgive and Forget?

First off, your brittany is beautiful! I have two myself!

You can forgive someone without talking with them--I have done it. I finally decided that holding on to the anger was not worth the trouble/pain/anger that it caused me. This was hard for me because I have a real "childlike" sense of justice, i.e. everyone should play by the rules! But like I said, this was hurting me more than helping. My motto is "forward," as in move forward. It doe little good to dwell in the past. Just make the decision to forgive--either others or yourself--and move forward.

Forgiveness is about you...the ability to let it go and not have it bother you. The "not forgetting" isn't about holding a grudge, its really just about having a fuller understanding about who you're dealing with. I have friends who can't keep secrets. I probably found this out because they blabbed something they shouldn't of. I forgave them, because we're all flawed, but I won't pretend that I don't know this is a flaw of theirs..I probably won't tell them anything really important that needs to be kept secret. I forgave, but didn't forget. BUT, if, over time, this friend shows new behavior...forgiveness is also about a willingness to see new information...its not like the friend who blabbed in high school never gets a chance to show that they've grown over the next 20 years.

I dont' know if that helped. But I'll just reiterate that for me, forgiveness is about what's going on inside you. Its about what you spend time and effort on internally. But it doesn't preclude using the information you've learned to shape future actions. Sometimes we forgive and "move on" as well.

I also want to add that you have to think about what *you want* out of relationship. I forgave my parents many things...but it wasn't worth it to me to process it with them. Because what I really wanted was for things to have been different, and that wasn't possible. An apology from them at this point would be neither here nor there [AND, what if they didn't *want* to apologize? I certainly wasn't a perfect daughter, either. What then?] So, I just forgave them in my heart. But if I have a friend who does X all the time. And it bothers me. What I really want is for them to STOP X. If that's the case, forgiving them in my heart doesn't get me what I want, which is to change the future.

So, as to whether to forgive with processing, or to forgive in your heart only...you really have to ask yourself, what do you want?

I forgive that person in the sense that I don't want to hold any grudges on him simply because its not healthy on my part but that doesn't mean that I already forget all the bad things that he has done to me especially if he did it more than once. Forgive & forget are two different things for me.

Every therapist I've gone to has preached forgiveness to me more than anything because I refuse to forgive my father even after he died. My opinion on that is, what he did is something that will never be worthy of forgiveness. Now, do I obsess over what he did or talk/think about it all the time? No. In fact the most I ever spoke about him since he moved in 2005 and then in 08 died was the two months I was forced into therapy for an unrelated issue and the therapist brought it up daily during group therapy and when I asked her to stop she claimed I was obsessed with my father and liked to blame him for everything when it was the opposite. I had moved on, was happier, but because of the simple fact he was not forgiven it was believed I was holding an eternal grudge.

There are few things I don't forgive or refuse to forget about even if I do forgive the person. I am an understanding person, but only to a point. It doesn't affect me, though sometimes I will sort of rant to myself about something simply to blow the steam off. If someone hurts me, I let them know. If they continue to do so, then they are out of my life.

If it's a person you can't seem to forgive or you simply want to put things in the past so that they cannot affect yourself at current, write them a letter. Make it as long as you want. If you want to send it, do so. If you don't, burn it. Either way you are putting everything in tangible words and, in a sense, getting it out of you. But if it is really affecting your life to a point where you can't function normally day to day, I would seek a therapist and perhaps a psychiatrist in case you need to begin medication for the stress or anything else.

Thru many years of therapy, I reached the conclusion that forgiveness was of upmost importance for MY mental health. It also reunited me with my father and other family members due to an incident that happened 11 years ago. Now my Dad is my best friend and one of the most important people in my life. We talked thru all of our issues and left in the past where they belonged. We could neither change those things and it wasnt serving a useful purpose in our lives. We forgave each other unconditionally for things that have occurred. Now I am blessed to see him every single day and talk to him on the phone.

Can you forget? No I dont think so. I once told my therapist that I wish I could have selective amnesia and erase all the things that haunt me in my life. Of course that is not possible. Forgiveness has to come from the heart and be meaningful. Forgetting is probably not possible, but once you forgive someone, then it's time to put it to rest and not keep beating a dead horse.

I wish you luck.

You bring up a very important key word; to forgive "unconditionally". something I often see is people saying they forgive someone or something from the past but then it comes up in later conversations or arguments. These people have not yet made peace with it and have certainly not forgiven. They may sincerely want to but haven't "let go" yet. You can't forgive if you don't let go.

As far as forgetting: you may never forget in the true sense of the word but time and attitude will place it deep down in your memory. In most cases (except extreme), you will also be able to have normal conversations with the person because you won't care as much, if at all, about them for them to be able to have any affect on you. It'll be like talking to a stranger and just being polite.

I'm still working through this myself, but I realized while I was stuck in the past and still feeling the hurt, the person/people that did me wrong, moved on in their life. They were out there living it up, carrying on like nothing and I was... stuck.

I "forgave" them for me. Not because I thought I was right and they were wrong, or that I was no longer hurt or angry by it all, but because it was keeping me back, keeping me fat and unhealthy, keeping me from my life and my full potential.

I'm still working on it, and some days are better than others, but it doesn't hurt as much and i'm not as angry as I was. Day by day.

Here is my way of thinking. If you hold on to something more than likely it is causing you much more pain than it is the other person. They are going on with their lives while you harbor ill feelings.