Relationship Disaster
've been dating a girl for about 5 months. We have known each other for about 2 years and previously dated a for 3 months and then casually "hung-out" for several months after, till one day she said I want to build a future with you. It took her a long time to allow herself to fall in love again after a failed marriage that was only 10 days long. The guy walked out on her basically saying he didn't really ever want to be married. So clearly she has trust issues.
Ok, now the issue. In December we talked seriously about getting healthier. We are both bigger people and realize that if we ever do want to have a family then we need to make some drastic changes. I made some changes with her, yet will admit that I didn't do a complete overhaul yet. She urged me to go to the doctor, and I did in January since I would then be on a new deductible for the year. I got the lab results back and did my follow up appointment last week. I am now diabetic. I knew that blood sugar was an issue, and has been for a few years, but had kept things in line even while putting forth a half-assed effort. This was a wake up call.
She now feels that I betrayed her by deceiving her about my health issues. Admittedly I shouldn't have kept those issues from her, but was afraid/embarrassed to tell her. I was afraid she would see me as some broken person. She says she was deceived because I told her I was making all these changes with her, yet all of that was fake because I knew of these issues and didn't do what I should have. She basically dumped me because of it. She said that for the second time in her life she allowed herself to fall in love and make plans for a life with someone only to be betrayed.
We talked a little last week and she said that she still loves me but is not willing to re-build something that she fears will result in the same outcome. She doesn't think I will succeed in getting healthier, but is now seeing that I am serious. I suggested we both take a break for a month or two so that I can prove to her that I am willing/able to make the changes on my own. She has said that she needs to see that I am serious and agreed to the break.
I know I need to do this for myself and actually am doing well, and this may be one of her ways of pushing me. On the other hand I have over the last couple weeks begged for her help and she has kind of abandoned me when I need her most. She has said we are worth fighting for, but I know she has her issues.
What can I do to fix this, or do you think it's worth fixing? Is she over reacting?
Thanks
Ok, now the issue. In December we talked seriously about getting healthier. We are both bigger people and realize that if we ever do want to have a family then we need to make some drastic changes. I made some changes with her, yet will admit that I didn't do a complete overhaul yet. She urged me to go to the doctor, and I did in January since I would then be on a new deductible for the year. I got the lab results back and did my follow up appointment last week. I am now diabetic. I knew that blood sugar was an issue, and has been for a few years, but had kept things in line even while putting forth a half-assed effort. This was a wake up call.
She now feels that I betrayed her by deceiving her about my health issues. Admittedly I shouldn't have kept those issues from her, but was afraid/embarrassed to tell her. I was afraid she would see me as some broken person. She says she was deceived because I told her I was making all these changes with her, yet all of that was fake because I knew of these issues and didn't do what I should have. She basically dumped me because of it. She said that for the second time in her life she allowed herself to fall in love and make plans for a life with someone only to be betrayed.
We talked a little last week and she said that she still loves me but is not willing to re-build something that she fears will result in the same outcome. She doesn't think I will succeed in getting healthier, but is now seeing that I am serious. I suggested we both take a break for a month or two so that I can prove to her that I am willing/able to make the changes on my own. She has said that she needs to see that I am serious and agreed to the break.
I know I need to do this for myself and actually am doing well, and this may be one of her ways of pushing me. On the other hand I have over the last couple weeks begged for her help and she has kind of abandoned me when I need her most. She has said we are worth fighting for, but I know she has her issues.
What can I do to fix this, or do you think it's worth fixing? Is she over reacting?
Thanks
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Replies
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In my opinion, she overreacted. However she obviously has reason to, if she's had/has trust issues.
All I can say, is that if you two want to be together, you both have to take responsibility for your actions, and TRUST each other. You cannot have a good relationship without trust, so if that's not something she is ready for, then it's not time yet.
Good luck...0 -
That seems like a really ODD reason to break up with someone, maybe argue, but break up?
You weren't intentionally deceiving her...you were essentially deceiving YOURSELF by not taking your health seriously!
I'm sorry, but it sounds like there is a lot going on here and this was just an excuse.
All that being said, her choices are hers and yours are yours.
Make sure to put your health first.0 -
IMHO - there is a huge gap between failing to tell someone you're dating that blood sugar "is an issue" and walking out on a marriage after ten days. Clearly- she still has a lot to work out...0
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def a over reaction on my view..... ifs she's not willing to help you shes not worth it (in my own opinion)0
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Honestly? I think you both have issues here.
You were embarrassed to tell the person you love most that you were ill? Why didn't you trust her to be compassionate and supportive.
While you upset her by withholding the information the most important thing is your health and she can either get over herself and focus on you and your reasons for withholding the information or she can focus entirely on herself.
You guys need to talk it out at least.0 -
In my opinion, she overreacted. However she obviously has reason to, if she's had/has trust issues.
All I can say, is that if you two want to be together, you both have to take responsibility for your actions, and TRUST each other. You cannot have a good relationship without trust, so if that's not something she is ready for, then it's not time yet.
Good luck...
Though I totally agree with Trust, i don't see how him being on the fence with Diabetes (while they are both over weight) is any REAL business of hers. Yeah, he could have mentioned it, but I don't think he HAD to. They're only together 5 months...
BTW: I'm in now way "arguing" with you...just talking it out.0 -
from what I'm reading here, she overreacted... I'm sorry. One thing was true, however, you need to get healthy for you and you alone. Hopefully, everything will work out the way it was meant to. best of luck to you!0
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Oh she is definitely over-reacting . But I would worry she was not as into me as I hoped if she acted like this. Something is amiss and sweetie you deserve someone to be there for you. You don't need to pay for the other guys sins. Maybe she is too damaged for you at this point. She seems to need more time.0
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Why do you want to fix it?
Honestly, and take this with a grain of salt because maybe there's more to this than I realize, but she sounds like she's very insecure, high-maintenance and probably not emotionally very healthy.0 -
've been dating a girl for about 5 months. We have known each other for about 2 years and previously dated a for 3 months and then casually "hung-out" for several months after, till one day she said I want to build a future with you. It took her a long time to allow herself to fall in love again after a failed marriage that was only 10 days long. The guy walked out on her basically saying he didn't really ever want to be married. So clearly she has trust issues.
Ok, now the issue. In December we talked seriously about getting healthier. We are both bigger people and realize that if we ever do want to have a family then we need to make some drastic changes. I made some changes with her, yet will admit that I didn't do a complete overhaul yet. She urged me to go to the doctor, and I did in January since I would then be on a new deductible for the year. I got the lab results back and did my follow up appointment last week. I am now diabetic. I knew that blood sugar was an issue, and has been for a few years, but had kept things in line even while putting forth a half-assed effort. This was a wake up call.
She now feels that I betrayed her by deceiving her about my health issues. Admittedly I shouldn't have kept those issues from her, but was afraid/embarrassed to tell her. I was afraid she would see me as some broken person. She says she was deceived because I told her I was making all these changes with her, yet all of that was fake because I knew of these issues and didn't do what I should have. She basically dumped me because of it. She said that for the second time in her life she allowed herself to fall in love and make plans for a life with someone only to be betrayed.
We talked a little last week and she said that she still loves me but is not willing to re-build something that she fears will result in the same outcome. She doesn't think I will succeed in getting healthier, but is now seeing that I am serious. I suggested we both take a break for a month or two so that I can prove to her that I am willing/able to make the changes on my own. She has said that she needs to see that I am serious and agreed to the break.
I know I need to do this for myself and actually am doing well, and this may be one of her ways of pushing me. On the other hand I have over the last couple weeks begged for her help and she has kind of abandoned me when I need her most. She has said we are worth fighting for, but I know she has her issues.
What can I do to fix this, or do you think it's worth fixing? Is she over reacting?
Thanks
I'm no relationship expert, but I think she has over-reacted. To be fair to her, I don't think she has been deliberately cruel i just think she has a lot of trust issues and this has caused her to respond the way she has. As for what to do about it, i can't really say anything other than to allow time to heal it in whatever way it can. I'd let her know that you are genuinely sorry for keeping things from her, give her your reasons and explain to her that you do still want a future with her. I'd then leave the ball in her court. Time might be what it needs.0 -
from what I'm reading here, she overreacted... I'm sorry. One thing was true, however, you need to get healthy for you and you alone. Hopefully, everything will work out the way it was meant to. best of luck to you!
^^^^ oh this too,,get healthy for you. You deserve that too ;-)0 -
If you truly love someone, you wouldn't break up over something like this. You were not intentionally trying to hurt her. If she loves you she will come around, I promise. In the meantime, take care of yourself and your health. Take time to be the best you can be for yourself and no one else. True love wouldn't end because of something so small.
love yourself!
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For better or worse, in sickness and in health.
If she's not ready to make that vow to you, then it's best that you give her the space she wants. If she doesn't feel it whole heartedly then you may be the broken hearted one at the end of it all.
Sounds like you both need to work through some issues, and make yourselves healthier mind, body and soul.
And don't worry, if it's meant to be, it'll be.
Good luck to you on your journey. I hope you love and care about yourself enough to get healthy for you.
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Find a Couples or Marriage counselor and make an appointment. She is reacting to a past experience that will haunt your relationship until it is resolved. If she agrees to go, it shows she is willing to invest in the relationship. If not, use the session to help you learn how to say goodbye to her and build on a future that is healthy for you. Setting out on a health journey with an anchor instead of wings will not be helpful.0
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On the face of it, I'd definitely say she was over-reacting. But...........she's been badly hurt before. Whilst you didn't actually lie to her, it appears you didn't feel it necessary to burden her with your health issues. She's probabaly wondering what else you haven't told her (in her view "lied to her about"). She needs time to build her trust with anyone....not just you. Let her know that it was not your intention to deceive her. If she means anything to you, show her you're willing to make these changes.
Good luck! :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:0 -
I do think she overreacted. My only advice is if you two decide to get married, please do the premarital counseling. Of course I think everyone should do it if they plan to get married. There are so many things that it deals with that couples might not think about.
And good job with your healthy changes!0 -
Working in the health sector we frown on the term borderline diabetic. You either have it or you don't. You never with held vital information about your health because you weren't diabetic until recently. Being overweight has it's health risks in it's own. Becoming diabetic is one of them along with heart problems. So if you had a heart attack tomorrow would she hold that against you? That being said you never withheld the fact that you were overweight therefore any medical conditions you haven't previously been diagnosed with that come up as a direct consequence of being overweight should be free game. If you'd with held that you might have something such as aids I could understand but it sounds like she used this as a way out. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't fight for her. She's been hurt and she needs someone to prove to her that not all men are alike. She may just be looking for someone willing to fight for her!0
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Did you know for sure or just suspect you were diabetic or pre-diabetic before you went to the doctor?
It is not right for someone to judge a different person's motives or feelings. Without being in her shoes, it is impossible for me to know why exactly she is reacting this way. *I* feel like it's an over-reaction and maybe she was looking for an excuse to exit the relationship and is using this. Maybe she feels like she is going to fail and she thinks this is enough to light a fire under your *kitten* so you're going to succeed. She might want to get out before you leave her.
Again, it's impossible to say.
I know things have been tough in my own personal relationship. When my GF and I started dating, I was 40+ pounds heavier. We were both big people who enjoyed little more than watching movies, watching TV, and eating out all the time. Shortly after we started dating, I decided to lose weight... and now I am finding that I enjoy running and a lot of physical activities that she can't do. She feels like we have nothing in common and that I am leaving her behind. This has caused a huge strain on our relationship at times but she has started to realize that it can work.
Maybe I am projecting my GF's fears and motivations onto your GF. I can't be sure. But what you need to do right now is get a little selfish and focus on yourself. In a couple months, when you've shown success, you can see if things will work between you two. If they will, that's great. But if not, don't let it hold you back. This isn't your fault and it's not a problem with you (as far as I can tell from how you presented it).0 -
Wow. That's a bunch of Issues.
What strikes me first, though, is that she needs you to change your behavior, body, etc. before she can commit to you, and can't forgive you for not telling her the complete truth about your health. Hm.
What strikes me next is that you said you thought you should take a break for a month or two so you could prove to her that you were serious about improving your health.
Seems to me like taking a break is a great idea - but also so that she can decide what her basis for involvement and commitment is - does she love you and accept you completely as you are AT THIS MOMENT or is her commitment based on you improving your health? And if that's so, what happens if you continue to struggle (as many of us do) - is she going to berate you for it, or will the issue always be a Sword of Damocles hanging above the two of you? Because if it is, you're setting yourself up for years of heartbreak.
So yeah, walk away, keep in touch with her, and for goodness' sake, remember that you are worthy of love and commitment right now, at this very moment.
~a.0 -
Life is too short. Find someone less flaky.0
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She said that she does still love me more than ever; however she was worried that if I wasn't being that serious when she was, then it could hinder her new healthy choices. I know I appeared as a roadblock to her in that endeavor. She's said multiple times in the last week that she still see's an us, but that it is a little further off. We were seriously talking about moving in together this summer.
I understand that if she wants a family then she doesn't want to start a family with someone that isn't going to be around for many years. Her dad has severe emphysema and has been sick for over 20 years and potentially doesn't have much time left. She said she knows what it was like growing up with a sick parent, and she won't put her children through that. The idea of a family is at this time a big motivation for me.
I also don't really think she's had a history of men willing to fight for her. After her husband walked out on her after 10 days, she's trained herself to flight rather than stay and fight. I wrote her a long letter and dropped it off the other night with some of her items. She said to keep her shower stuff in the house and she would keep mine, so that is a good sign.
Some of my friends (females) have said that she's not worth it; however I see so much in her. She's kind of gone through a transitional process in life the last year or so and it has been amazing to be a part of that in her life. I think that's why I want to work through this and stick it out.0 -
IMHO - there is a huge gap between failing to tell someone you're dating that blood sugar "is an issue" and walking out on a marriage after ten days. Clearly- she still has a lot to work out...
^ This
And I agree with another poster about you having issues to work on with being afraid to tell someone you love about your health problems. Have you considered couples counseling?0 -
Well, OP, whatever we say here, you're going to do what you've already made up your mind to do. But don't be surprised when, no matter what you do, this crashes and burns and you get hurt.
This woman is not emotionally healthy and she should not be in a relationship until she is.0 -
if she cant handle you during your struggles, she doesn't deserve you at your best.0
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In my opinion not only did she overreact but if she isn't willing to stick by you at your lowest and unhealthiest then she doesn't deserve you at your highest and healthiest! love is forgiving and strong and overcomes ALL and you have no future with someone that is looking for the first opportunity to walk out the door... I fully believe in the vow "in sickness and health" but I also believe in the quote.... If you can't handle me at my worst, you damn sure don't deserve me at my best.... The decision is ultimately yours, but truthfully in the end, you do have to do this for YOU, not her and whatever you decide you need to be sure you are doing it for the right reasons so that you stick to it and succeed! good luck either way! I wish you the best in whatever you decide!0
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She was looking for a reason...any reason, to back out of the relationship. Real love will make a person stick by your side....even in the most ill health. Her love wasn't real.....it was convenience. Or, perhap she felt, as a "heavier" person...she would just be with you just to have someone....it's not love....because now that she knows you're ill......there's no way in hell she's gonna take care of you for the long haul.
Which is really f***** up. But, it's good for YOU...because she wasn't the right one..and you would've been MISERABLE!!!0 -
it does sound like she over-reacted a bit but i didnt find out my ex-husband was on thyroxine for under-active thyroid gland..till we were married and also found out he suffered mentally with this also...just thought he was a bit shy....but diabetes can be improved hugely with weight loss....
Perhaps she is hoping you can prove you can do this on your own without her support....in order to be accepted by her...however on the other hand if someone really needed you...especially when you are trying to get fixed then it does seem un kind of her to reject you as long as its not a daily needing...I think she could be more supportive....or offer you a lifeline or something during the break period....
In the end we sometimes rely too much on others for support, and it can be hard at times like these...do you have any friends that can offer support just to get through the break period?
as others have said put your health first,,,since without that....all of life is harder......
Good luck....on both counts...health and relationship......maybe she has her own emotional issues she is trying to sort out and does not have enough emotional energy for you right now.....0 -
I appreciate all the insight. I believe that there is a small window of time for us to focus on ourselves. We are actually both in our last semesters of grad school so that thesis due in 6 weeks is hanging over both of us as well. We've said to take this time and focus on our health and school. I think the break stretches past that then it will be my cue to move on.0
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In my opinion, she overreacted. However she obviously has reason to, if she's had/has trust issues.
All I can say, is that if you two want to be together, you both have to take responsibility for your actions, and TRUST each other. You cannot have a good relationship without trust, so if that's not something she is ready for, then it's not time yet.
Good luck...
Though I totally agree with Trust, i don't see how him being on the fence with Diabetes (while they are both over weight) is any REAL business of hers. Yeah, he could have mentioned it, but I don't think he HAD to. They're only together 5 months...
BTW: I'm in now way "arguing" with you...just talking it out.
I agree. They were only dating 5 mo.
I think you haven't necessarily reached the point of having to divulge that type of information yet, so I feel she completely overreacted. I get the trust issues. I've SOOOOO been there. That's really hard to overcome. She may not be ready for another committed relationship yet. It's not like you knew you had diabetes and didn't tell her, although, again, you were dating 5 months. She has her own issues she needs to sort out before getting involoved again. Lose the weight for you. And if she comes around after awhile, then see what happens. If you keep holding on...you may be the one who ends up getting hurt.0 -
No one has said she was completely in the right. :-/0
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