Relationship Disaster

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  • jegg0425
    jegg0425 Posts: 37
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    She said that she does still love me more than ever; however she was worried that if I wasn't being that serious when she was, then it could hinder her new healthy choices. I know I appeared as a roadblock to her in that endeavor. She's said multiple times in the last week that she still see's an us, but that it is a little further off. We were seriously talking about moving in together this summer.

    I understand that if she wants a family then she doesn't want to start a family with someone that isn't going to be around for many years. Her dad has severe emphysema and has been sick for over 20 years and potentially doesn't have much time left. She said she knows what it was like growing up with a sick parent, and she won't put her children through that. The idea of a family is at this time a big motivation for me.

    I also don't really think she's had a history of men willing to fight for her. After her husband walked out on her after 10 days, she's trained herself to flight rather than stay and fight. I wrote her a long letter and dropped it off the other night with some of her items. She said to keep her shower stuff in the house and she would keep mine, so that is a good sign.

    Some of my friends (females) have said that she's not worth it; however I see so much in her. She's kind of gone through a transitional process in life the last year or so and it has been amazing to be a part of that in her life. I think that's why I want to work through this and stick it out.
  • Skeemer118
    Skeemer118 Posts: 397 Member
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    IMHO - there is a huge gap between failing to tell someone you're dating that blood sugar "is an issue" and walking out on a marriage after ten days. Clearly- she still has a lot to work out...

    ^ This

    And I agree with another poster about you having issues to work on with being afraid to tell someone you love about your health problems. Have you considered couples counseling?
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Well, OP, whatever we say here, you're going to do what you've already made up your mind to do. But don't be surprised when, no matter what you do, this crashes and burns and you get hurt.

    This woman is not emotionally healthy and she should not be in a relationship until she is.
  • monica1515
    monica1515 Posts: 65
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    if she cant handle you during your struggles, she doesn't deserve you at your best.
  • gigiwaterloo
    gigiwaterloo Posts: 102 Member
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    In my opinion not only did she overreact but if she isn't willing to stick by you at your lowest and unhealthiest then she doesn't deserve you at your highest and healthiest! love is forgiving and strong and overcomes ALL and you have no future with someone that is looking for the first opportunity to walk out the door... I fully believe in the vow "in sickness and health" but I also believe in the quote.... If you can't handle me at my worst, you damn sure don't deserve me at my best.... The decision is ultimately yours, but truthfully in the end, you do have to do this for YOU, not her and whatever you decide you need to be sure you are doing it for the right reasons so that you stick to it and succeed! good luck either way! I wish you the best in whatever you decide!
  • NU2U
    NU2U Posts: 659 Member
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    She was looking for a reason...any reason, to back out of the relationship. Real love will make a person stick by your side....even in the most ill health. Her love wasn't real.....it was convenience. Or, perhap she felt, as a "heavier" person...she would just be with you just to have someone....it's not love....because now that she knows you're ill......there's no way in hell she's gonna take care of you for the long haul.

    Which is really f***** up. But, it's good for YOU...because she wasn't the right one..and you would've been MISERABLE!!!
  • androidgal
    androidgal Posts: 46 Member
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    it does sound like she over-reacted a bit but i didnt find out my ex-husband was on thyroxine for under-active thyroid gland..till we were married and also found out he suffered mentally with this also...just thought he was a bit shy....but diabetes can be improved hugely with weight loss....

    Perhaps she is hoping you can prove you can do this on your own without her support....in order to be accepted by her...however on the other hand if someone really needed you...especially when you are trying to get fixed then it does seem un kind of her to reject you as long as its not a daily needing...I think she could be more supportive....or offer you a lifeline or something during the break period....

    In the end we sometimes rely too much on others for support, and it can be hard at times like these...do you have any friends that can offer support just to get through the break period?

    as others have said put your health first,,,since without that....all of life is harder......

    Good luck....on both counts...health and relationship......maybe she has her own emotional issues she is trying to sort out and does not have enough emotional energy for you right now.....
  • jegg0425
    jegg0425 Posts: 37
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    I appreciate all the insight. I believe that there is a small window of time for us to focus on ourselves. We are actually both in our last semesters of grad school so that thesis due in 6 weeks is hanging over both of us as well. We've said to take this time and focus on our health and school. I think the break stretches past that then it will be my cue to move on.
  • KristysLosing
    KristysLosing Posts: 683
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    In my opinion, she overreacted. However she obviously has reason to, if she's had/has trust issues.

    All I can say, is that if you two want to be together, you both have to take responsibility for your actions, and TRUST each other. You cannot have a good relationship without trust, so if that's not something she is ready for, then it's not time yet.

    Good luck...

    Though I totally agree with Trust, i don't see how him being on the fence with Diabetes (while they are both over weight) is any REAL business of hers. Yeah, he could have mentioned it, but I don't think he HAD to. They're only together 5 months...

    BTW: I'm in now way "arguing" with you...just talking it out.

    I agree. They were only dating 5 mo.

    I think you haven't necessarily reached the point of having to divulge that type of information yet, so I feel she completely overreacted. I get the trust issues. I've SOOOOO been there. That's really hard to overcome. She may not be ready for another committed relationship yet. It's not like you knew you had diabetes and didn't tell her, although, again, you were dating 5 months. She has her own issues she needs to sort out before getting involoved again. Lose the weight for you. And if she comes around after awhile, then see what happens. If you keep holding on...you may be the one who ends up getting hurt.
  • jegg0425
    jegg0425 Posts: 37
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    No one has said she was completely in the right. :-/
  • KristysLosing
    KristysLosing Posts: 683
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    In my opinion not only did she overreact but if she isn't willing to stick by you at your lowest and unhealthiest then she doesn't deserve you at your highest and healthiest! love is forgiving and strong and overcomes ALL and you have no future with someone that is looking for the first opportunity to walk out the door... I fully believe in the vow "in sickness and health" but I also believe in the quote.... If you can't handle me at my worst, you damn sure don't deserve me at my best.... The decision is ultimately yours, but truthfully in the end, you do have to do this for YOU, not her and whatever you decide you need to be sure you are doing it for the right reasons so that you stick to it and succeed! good luck either way! I wish you the best in whatever you decide!

    ^^ Thumbs up here!
  • KristysLosing
    KristysLosing Posts: 683
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    No one has said she was completely in the right. :-/

    I'm sorry, but no. Do you feel she was in the right at all?
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    No one has said she was completely in the right. :-/

    Were you expecting that to be the reaction?
  • jegg0425
    jegg0425 Posts: 37
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    Idk. However when it's an overwhelming majority the picture gets a little clearer. Still going to give it a little time and try to see if she can build her trust back up. But before we proceed with anything then I think we need to sit down and have a few discussions about what love really means to both of us. If it means entirely different things to both of us, then I have to love her enough to let her go. I may love her unconditionally, but I won't be with someone who doesn't feel that way about me.
  • cloud2011
    cloud2011 Posts: 898 Member
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    Honestly, I think she was looking for an excuse to break up. You didn't do anything wrong, and if you both decided to work on your health and this was the result, where will she be when something else happens to you, such as the loss of a loved one, or a job loss, or something else?

    She sounds like she's just not ready for a relationship with you or anyone else, and she sounds very confused.
  • sdow
    sdow Posts: 71
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    She needs to learn to trust. She may not be ready for a serious relationship. You did not betray her. Whatever health issues you have, you should take care of for yourself. It is hard to say whether or not the relationship is worth your effort. It sounds like you love her. It is hard to be with someone who wants to change you and make you over her way. Good luck and treat yourself well.
  • minus40
    minus40 Posts: 112 Member
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    Find a Couples or Marriage counselor and make an appointment. She is reacting to a past experience that will haunt your relationship until it is resolved. If she agrees to go, it shows she is willing to invest in the relationship. If not, use the session to help you learn how to say goodbye to her and build on a future that is healthy for you. Setting out on a health journey with an anchor instead of wings will not be helpful.


    I agree!... Sounds like she hasn't worked on those issues and maybe she's just not ready to commit again. Good Luck!
  • Grlnxtdr0721
    Grlnxtdr0721 Posts: 597 Member
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    My opinion, like most, is that she over reacted. I understand trust issues, but it doesn't seem like you were trying to hide anything from her, but that you were scared yourself. Or you just didn't take it as seriously as you should. YOUR health comes first, just like you have to believe in yourself and love yourself before a relationship can succeed. I don't think you necessarily have anything to "prove" to her as much as you need to prove it to yourself.
  • KristysLosing
    KristysLosing Posts: 683
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    Idk. However when it's an overwhelming majority the picture gets a little clearer. Still going to give it a little time and try to see if she can build her trust back up. But before we proceed with anything then I think we need to sit down and have a few discussions about what love really means to both of us. If it means entirely different things to both of us, then I have to love her enough to let her go. I may love her unconditionally, but I won't be with someone who doesn't feel that way about me.

    Good luck to you. :-) Those trust issues are really tough to repair. It's been 11 years since I've felt that way about trust. And every now and again it comes back. Reagrdless of what happens there, you have us here to help with your weightloss. I hope you find this to be as valuable of a tool as I have.
  • cressievargo
    cressievargo Posts: 392 Member
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    She majorly overreacted.

    I know other posters have said this - but she's got deeper issues.

    Honestly - it sounds like right now you really need to focus on your own health for YOU - not her. She sounds as if she could really benefit from professional counseling to help her with her issues...and until she does that she's always going to find some *reason* not to trust you. This time it's your "hiding" health issues (which I find to be a ludicrous accusation), next time it's whatever.

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