To be a single mom?

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slimmingmom
slimmingmom Posts: 297
in Chit-Chat
I don't want to make this long and drawn out so i'll just get down to the basics. I married my husband 2 1/2 years ago and a month after our wedding he changed so drasticlly (he even got us into a lot of debt). I can not stand my husband, and I know I DONT love him. I care about him, but it's not love. I know it's commen for a lot of men to be immature, but he really is immature...it's hard for me to even of just now called him a man. I got divorce papers a year ago and we both sighned them and everthing but then I decided to wait and see if things would change. Well, then we got pregnant with our son, Landon and I decided that even though I didn't like my husband I would stick it out for our child so he could have both parents in the home. The more I think about it though, the more harm that does to my child seeing his parents distant. I don't want him growing up and getting the wrong idea about what love is and I sure can't stand staying with my husband much longer. I am very scared though becuase of finances. My husband is only on unemployment but I have NOTHING. I use to consider being a foster parent becuase I just LOVE kids and would feel so great being a part of a childs life who needed me to become a stronger and more confident child. Anyway, anyone else a single mom??? WHAT SHOULD I EXPECT??? I'm worried and I just need to know that life can go on for me and that being 21 I still have a chance at being happy! And I already expect to get comments about taking care of my child by myself will be hard...BUT TRUST ME, i'm already use to that, my husband doesn't help with the care of our cutie patootie.
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  • slimmingmom
    slimmingmom Posts: 297
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    I also wanted to mention that i'm not just giving up...i've worked at this for so long. Yesterday I told him i'm not sure how much more I could take of him and he went on just as normal. He never beleives me when I tell him how I feel. I took two framed pictures off our wall of our wedding, took them out, crummbled them and and threw them away. Only then did he realize that I was being serious...and then he pipes in "so you really think there is someone who can make you happier?" Grrrr.....it's not like i'm on a mission to try and find ANYONE else!!!
  • Shannon023
    Shannon023 Posts: 14,529 Member
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    Do you have family close by? :flowerforyou:
  • Wecandothis
    Wecandothis Posts: 1,083 Member
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    First of all let me say that my prayers are with you, and your family, your husband included. I pray that the Lord opens his eyes. And I pray peace and a clear path for you, the path of truth and justice. I pray a miracle that will save all of your family, in whatever way that can happen.

    But that being said...

    I'm a single mom. I got that way by making all the wrong choices - nothing like what you're going through. I will say to you that though it's hard, you can do it on your own if you must. There are ways.

    I had a job that kept me away from my daughter the greater part of the day. It paid well, but I didn't want to let others raise her. So I got a 'lowly' job driving a school bus at a great loss of income. But it allowed me to be with her all the time. She rode with me for many years - and when she was in school I'd take her to school, and bring her home, be off when she was off, etc...

    I have a much better job now that she's 13, and when I look back at those very LEAN years, I know that the most important thing was being together. And we made it - by the grace of God. So can you.

    But the biggest part of making it on your own with your kid/kids is that you have to be happy on your own. You have to gain some pride in your ability to do it alone. Don't go looking for another 'Mr. Right'. You might find one - who knows? :-) But unless you are happy on your own you'll meet up with someone for all the wrong reasons.

    My prayers are with you - my the right path become clear.
  • girlygirl82
    girlygirl82 Posts: 66 Member
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    Make YOURSELF happy! I am a single mom by my own choice and no doubt there have been some tough times, but I am happier now than I ever was when I was with my ex. I left when my son was 3 and I am not going to lie... It was hard for him and it was hard for me. But We are both happy healthy individuals and I know it was the best choice for us.

    The bottom line for me was and is.... The pain and hurt along with the frustration of living in a relationship that was far from Love and Respect was so draining on me and my happiness therefore my sons as well. The rough times could never out weight the happiness that my life is filled with now.

    If you are unhappy and you have tried to work it out.... because i did as well before I left my ex.... then get out and better yourself. Your son will in turn eventually see his father for what he is and eventually you guys will be flying high, doing well. Optimistic I know, but I have been there and I have found freedom from a relationship gone wrong. I know it can happen.

    I wish you luck in your journey and I am here for you if you need it!

    :flowerforyou:
  • tubbytabbytales
    tubbytabbytales Posts: 5,883
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    I'm not a mom. But I'm a child of TWO unhappy marriages. My mother got divorced when I was two, remarried. They grew to hate eachother, and my stepfather was an alcoholic. It was so painful to hear them fight allll the time. I would sit in my room crying and I'd be miserable. I wish they would have gotten divorced a lot earlier, not just for my sanity, but for their own too. It hurts to be so unhappy.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    I'm in the midst of where you are headed. Maybe I can PM you later. Too much to put into words right now (I'm at work).
  • GraceKelly
    GraceKelly Posts: 7,378
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    Just my opinion, but get your life together, get a job, and stablity as a first step to moving on. Have a plan. Be ready for a tough road, but you can do it! Lean of family and friends, thats what they are there for. Your son will be happy if mommy is happy! Good luck! :flowerforyou:
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
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    I'm a single mom and I'll agree with the others. It's very hard but you can do it. It will definitely make you a stronger person. The only thing I will add is that if at all possible make sure your son has a relationship with his father. I have two children by different fathers and they both grew up not knowing their fathers. Neither of my kids' fathers wanted anything to do with the kids. My daughter's father took off while I was pregnant and my son's father just would not have anything to do with him. My daughter is now 35 and my son just turned 23 and sadly they both have issues because of growing up without a father in their lives. So if at all possible, please be sure your son has a relationship with his father.

    Good luck to you. :flowerforyou:
  • havingitall
    havingitall Posts: 3,728 Member
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    I got divorced when my kids were 8 & 10. It was a very difficult time for them and they missed out on things in life because they both withdrew into themselves. If your son is young, it would probably be better than waiting. A bad marriage is harmful to kids.

    You can do it on your own. I did and I was proud of myself for what I accomplished.
  • Wecandothis
    Wecandothis Posts: 1,083 Member
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    No one has mentioned this, but maybe might your husband be open to counseling? At some point in the not to distant past you both loved one another.

    If it's over, it's over - but love is worth fighting for.
  • slimmingmom
    slimmingmom Posts: 297
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    Sorry it took me so long to reply again. I've been waiting for changes from him for far too long and had started councling actually through my church but he wouldn't go again with me. No point in talking about all of that though becuase on the 2nd, he was sopose to be house sitting for his friends parents so I thought he was there all night BUT HE WAS REALLY RIGHT ABOVE ME THE ENTIRE NIGHT WITH OUR NEW NEIGHBOR GAL WHO JUST MOVED IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say that helped me see things a whole lot clearer than before and I told him to pack up yourself and load up your car as much as you can and come back tomorrow for the rest. I made him give me the key and everything and now his stuff is practically all gone now!!!! It's hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be (emotionally). I have like, releif....it's hard to explain!
  • marisa0918
    marisa0918 Posts: 178
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    I am 25 and a single mom to a 2 year old. I was with her dad for almost 4 years and he was also very immature. He was a lot of fun before I had the responsibility of a child, but once I got pregnant I changed the way any normal person would , but unfortunately he did not. He was in a very bad motorcycle accident right after the birth of our daughter so I ended up staying with him to help him. There was constant bickering and I was absolutely miserable...which is why I packed on almost 50 pounds. I was used to the relationship so I never got up the nerve to leave him. Finally he starting doing things that I just could not put up with so I ended up moving in with my parents for a couple months. I started back to school, and I do have my own place now. I don't receive any child support, so money is very tight. I am very lucky though to have my family close so they do help out by watching my daughter for me so I don't have to worry about day care. I have started dating again and have met some really great guys...it's funny though now that I am single I want to stay that way at least for now. And the best part of being leaving my daughter's father is that I am a happier person now...my daughter doesn't have to live with the constant bickering....and I have found a new drive to better myself because I know I have to for my daughter. Soo even though it is scary make the best decision for yourself and your children!! (((big hugs)) for whatever you decide :smile:
  • Hannah_Banana
    Hannah_Banana Posts: 1,242 Member
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    Oh goodness, I was reading that and it could have been ME. :noway: While I don't have any advice because I'm struggling myself, I do have a question. I've more or less decided to leave my partner of 3 1/2 years for similar reasons to those stated above, but I have some 'logistical' questions I wanted to throw out there for advice...

    1. What do you do if you're halfway through a rental lease? My family lives on the other side of the country (I'm west coast, they're east coast) and I'm the only one bringing in money. If I leave him with the house, he will have no way to pay for it!
    2. I've mentioned leaving before and all he can do is guilt me because he wouldn't get to be a part of his son's life. Of course he would! He's a great (I mean really great) dad and I would want my son to see him all the time. But he just gets so distressed about not being able to put our son to bed every night or play with him during the day. I wouldn't ever want that to happen to ME, so its hard to do it to anyone else.

    Sorry, I don't mean to hijack your thread Slimmingmom - I just didn't want to start a thread saying exactly what you just did. :embarassed: I hope things get better for you! :flowerforyou:
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    Sorry it took me so long to reply again. I've been waiting for changes from him for far too long and had started councling actually through my church but he wouldn't go again with me. No point in talking about all of that though becuase on the 2nd, he was sopose to be house sitting for his friends parents so I thought he was there all night BUT HE WAS REALLY RIGHT ABOVE ME THE ENTIRE NIGHT WITH OUR NEW NEIGHBOR GAL WHO JUST MOVED IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say that helped me see things a whole lot clearer than before and I told him to pack up yourself and load up your car as much as you can and come back tomorrow for the rest. I made him give me the key and everything and now his stuff is practically all gone now!!!! It's hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be (emotionally). I have like, releif....it's hard to explain!

    Honey, my thoughts are with you.

    I hope his insides rot and fall out through his nose.
    I hope his wee wee breaks and falls off.
    I hope he gets a flat tire in the middle of rush hour traffic and it starts raining and a car drives by and splashes mud on him and no one stops to help.
    I could go on forever...

    I hope the girl upstairs didn't know what she was doing. If she did, she is as low-down dirty as he is.

    Don't let him come back for the rest of his stuff. Throw it on the front porch and tell him to pick it up from there. Give him a eeadline or drop it all off with Goodwill.

    If you need some motivational music, PM me. My friends are keeping me stocked with great music right now to keep me going.

    (((hugs)))
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    Ok, I gotta ask this.... if you were ready for divorce (papers had been signed), you hate the man, etc.... why did you sleep with him again?

    Because we are all suckers, wishing the man we loved and got with to begin with would come back, replacing the horrible man he'd become.

    We keep hoping against hope that this time he will love us enough to be a better man. :brokenheart:

    We watch too many stupid romance movies. They should be called science fiction movies.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    1. What do you do if you're halfway through a rental lease? My family lives on the other side of the country (I'm west coast, they're east coast) and I'm the only one bringing in money. If I leave him with the house, he will have no way to pay for it!
    -- Break the lease. If you can't break it, you leave and take the hit on your credit. Once you get to the point of no return, you won't mind the bad credit just to be free. I still have a mortgage in my name that he could default on at any given time. If he does, oh well. Credit is just credit. (And I currently have good credit that I don't want to throw away, trust me!)


    2. I've mentioned leaving before and all he can do is guilt me because he wouldn't get to be a part of his son's life. Of course he would! He's a great (I mean really great) dad and I would want my son to see him all the time. But he just gets so distressed about not being able to put our son to bed every night or play with him during the day. I wouldn't ever want that to happen to ME, so its hard to do it to anyone else.
    -- Just a tactic to keep you prisoner. Can you live your life unhappy to make him happy? Isn't that what you hate about this? When you get to the point of no return, you will decide that your son will be happier if YOU are happier. You will decide that he may have a great father but has a piss-poor example of what a husband should be. You will get there one day, assuming hubby never man's up about the situation and tries to make changes.
    BTW, I thought my husband was a great dad too, until after I left. He started taking his visitation time to drop off the kiddo with his mom so he could go out drinking with his girlfriend. I'm just saying...
    I was exactly where you are now about 12 months ago. I stuck it out until I couldn't stand it anymore. I left in April. He's trying to reconcile now, but I am suspect of his motives.
  • amycakes812
    amycakes812 Posts: 441
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    Ok, I gotta ask this.... if you were ready for divorce (papers had been signed), you hate the man, etc.... why did you sleep with him again?

    Because we are all suckers, wishing the man we loved and got with to begin with would come back, replacing the horrible man he'd become.

    We keep hoping against hope that this time he will love us enough to be a better man. :brokenheart:

    We watch too many stupid romance movies. They should be called science fiction movies.

    Ain't that the truth!!
    I am a single mom as well...going through a divorce. I was a SAHM up until very recently, and it is hard leaving my kids every day, but I know I am doing the right thing for all of us. Our lease is almost up on "our" house, I found a much smaller place to call a home for my children and me. I know things will be a struggle, but I will make it work. I wish you the best in getting through this, It seems like there are many here who can relate, If you ever want to talk, PM me. Take care of yourself and your little one.
  • havingitall
    havingitall Posts: 3,728 Member
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    2. I've mentioned leaving before and all he can do is guilt me because he wouldn't get to be a part of his son's life. Of course he would! He's a great (I mean really great) dad and I would want my son to see him all the time. But he just gets so distressed about not being able to put our son to bed every night or play with him during the day. I wouldn't ever want that to happen to ME, so its hard to do it to anyone else.

    My ex-husband always made a big deal out of not being part of their lives...even though he chose to leave. I made sure he knoew about all concerts, school shows, parent teacher nights etc...do you think he showed? I got left with the crying kids when Daddy screwed up again

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