Is trust earned or do you give trust until they break it?
La_Amazona
Posts: 4,855 Member
I am the oldest of 3 girls. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic father who would be out every weekend while my mom would frantically go out looking for him leaving me in charge at 3am. They'd come home, physically fight, scream, etc... all while I would shield my 2 little sisters from seeing them as we huddled up in the corner crying.
Okay sad story but that's what I was dealt with as a child and I've healed from most of it. My parents are now pastors, completely different people than they were then.
I've healed as far as I don't blame my parents for anything... they didn't know better. I understand now that it's MY responsibility to get my life where I want it to be.
I've healed by working on my daddy issues and no longer need a man or have the fear of a man leaving me.
But, now that I'm divorced and dating, I've been told by 2 guys that I'm hard shelled/ mysterious/ hard to read.
When I've had serious talks with dates, I'll open up and explain how I'm one that has a few friends that will die for me and vice versa. I don't have a big group and I prefer it that way. I trust my friends completely but it took time. You just have to earn it with me. It doesn't mean I test you or don't open up to you but I do take my time when doing so.
One guy told me he trusts everybody until they break it which to me, doesn't make sense.
Another guy I recently dated said it was probably because of my divorce, in which my ex cheated. I kindly told him that I didn't think so.. I've always been this way. I've always taken time to quietly observe a person and see if they're worth my trust... and once I see they are, I'm loyal and will gladly die for them, give them my all.
I am a very happy person. I'm a sweet girl. I'm loyal, and I'm the one that will make you laugh when you're down. I truly care about those in my circle. I'm optimistic and bubbly. I'm not a cold or bitter at all. I just choose not to trust just anybody. But I don't want to be known as "hard" (whatever that means) once they start getting to know me.
And the only way I think they think this is because when they sweet talk me, I won't swoon right away. I won't fall for it immediately. And so far, I'm right. The only guy out of the bunch that I've dated so far, that I have let in, is one of my closest friends now. I see him 2 times a week usually. We are very close but he proved to me that I can trust him and he's now in my circle. He cares about me and I can see it.
The other guys who used their words to try to get me to do whatever they wanted... are gone? Moved on to the next one only proving my point that they're not worth my trust.
Can anybody relate? I'm sure it has to do with how I grew up... but why is that bad?
Okay sad story but that's what I was dealt with as a child and I've healed from most of it. My parents are now pastors, completely different people than they were then.
I've healed as far as I don't blame my parents for anything... they didn't know better. I understand now that it's MY responsibility to get my life where I want it to be.
I've healed by working on my daddy issues and no longer need a man or have the fear of a man leaving me.
But, now that I'm divorced and dating, I've been told by 2 guys that I'm hard shelled/ mysterious/ hard to read.
When I've had serious talks with dates, I'll open up and explain how I'm one that has a few friends that will die for me and vice versa. I don't have a big group and I prefer it that way. I trust my friends completely but it took time. You just have to earn it with me. It doesn't mean I test you or don't open up to you but I do take my time when doing so.
One guy told me he trusts everybody until they break it which to me, doesn't make sense.
Another guy I recently dated said it was probably because of my divorce, in which my ex cheated. I kindly told him that I didn't think so.. I've always been this way. I've always taken time to quietly observe a person and see if they're worth my trust... and once I see they are, I'm loyal and will gladly die for them, give them my all.
I am a very happy person. I'm a sweet girl. I'm loyal, and I'm the one that will make you laugh when you're down. I truly care about those in my circle. I'm optimistic and bubbly. I'm not a cold or bitter at all. I just choose not to trust just anybody. But I don't want to be known as "hard" (whatever that means) once they start getting to know me.
And the only way I think they think this is because when they sweet talk me, I won't swoon right away. I won't fall for it immediately. And so far, I'm right. The only guy out of the bunch that I've dated so far, that I have let in, is one of my closest friends now. I see him 2 times a week usually. We are very close but he proved to me that I can trust him and he's now in my circle. He cares about me and I can see it.
The other guys who used their words to try to get me to do whatever they wanted... are gone? Moved on to the next one only proving my point that they're not worth my trust.
Can anybody relate? I'm sure it has to do with how I grew up... but why is that bad?
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Replies
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Sorry to hear about the less than happy childhood doll and it just became clear why we get along so well.
I can relate a bit with you on some things.
I believe trust is earned and it takes time. I don't just willingly give it. A little bit a time over time and slowly build a foundation that usually can't be cracked.0 -
I think you'll have a split right down the center on this between those who will say that they trust everyone until that trust is broken - I don't get it either, to me it's just handing someone an axe and saying here hit me in the head - and those who prefer to make people earn their trust. Unfortunately - and please MFP prove me wrong - I figure it'll turn into the kind of conversation where people attack other people's views rather than accept that people are different.
I for one would never expect someone to trust me without my earning it.0 -
I was one of those from a dysfunctional family as well. Pretty much same scenario as you, except I was the younger child. My folks are both deceased, and I am very realistic about my former life, and have grown and moved past it all. It took me until I was 36 to do it, but I finally have.
That being said, for some odd reason, I would trust and believe in ANYONE right off the bat. Then in 2004 when something traumatic happened to me, my trust for everyone became jaded. I didn't trust anyone, and refused to open up. I went from one extreme to the other. Now, almost 10 years later, I have learned to balance my trust of people. I don't trust people implicitly right away, and I too, believe complete trust, (or what we humans are capable of giving) is earned. No sense in getting burned when just a little time and caution could prevent heartache. I think we all have a small "sixth sense" of who we should or shouldn't trust. I think we are given that for a reason, and it's best to trust your instincts.0 -
As a woman I tend to think it's irresponsible to automatically trust a man just for personal safety. If a guy thinks it's worth commenting on, that would tell me they are used to dealing with women who don't have the greatest boundaries in place & that I'm pretty smart for not trusting him right away.
I think in new relationships women should be kind yet cautious. Don't go assuming the guy's a turd who will steal your money, but give it enough time for him to build a history of being trustworthy with you. And that just comes down to doing what you say you're going to do. Your word is good when you prove you mean what you say.0 -
I'm curious to see if those that don't trust right away, was it because of a childhood experience?
For me, it's not only with men. I don't have a problem with men. This is with anybody. I don't think everybody is going to hurt me, I definately do NOT use the victim card, I just don't see why I should give myself to you for- nothing?0 -
I can relate because I am that way as well. Though I can be a very trusting person I always keep my guard up. I have always been like this as well and the times where I decided not to keep my guard up it ended up biting me in the *kitten*. I can completely relate to this as there are sooo many untrust worthy people out there.0
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Trust is earned. I don't give it lightly and, once broken, I never give it to that person again.0
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Earning my full trust is like winning an olympic gold medal, it doesn't come easy and you have to earn it. It takes a long time to truly earn someone's trust. It comes from actions and situations that can only happen over a period of time.
Trusting someone off the bat is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of. Would you give a stranger your car keys?
Now, yes there are different levels of trust and maybe I went to deep. lol0 -
I cautiously give people a limited amount of trust at first...but not with "major" issues. Then, if they do not abuse that trust, the amount of trust that I give them grows. I guess, looking at it that way, the trust must be earned. But I do tend to give people the benefit of the doubt upon first meeting until they show me that they are not trustworthy. That being said, I have a lot of experience in dealing with some pretty unsavory people, and for the most part, my first impression of people is usually right. I steer clear of those that I can rule out through my intuition and experience, and tend to trust the others more.....0
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As a woman I tend to think it's irresponsible to automatically trust a man just for personal safety. If a guy thinks it's worth commenting on, that would tell me they are used to dealing with women who don't have the greatest boundaries in place & that I'm pretty smart for not trusting him right away.
Interesting that you say that.
I remember 1 guy I dated for several months and he'd comment on how I wouldn't give him any slack because I wouldn't fall for his sweet nothings. I know better! Actions speak louder than words... and of course, his didn't match up. I was right.
2nd guy that mentioned it is the one I talked about earlier who said he trusts you until you break it. He's the friend that I'm talking about though. And now that we've known each other for 2-3 months, I know a lot more about him than he does about me. I am opening up to him though and slowly he knows more and more about me.
3rd guy that mentioned it called me "hard" which offended me. I'm approachable. I'm always smiling and am sweet. (I do stand up for myself though for sure) All because I told him that I take time in believing what people say to me, including him. He knew I wasn't going to fall for a BS line he gave me. From that point on, his nickname for me was "my little hard shell".
Funny thing is, HE WAS LYING. He had told me he and his gf were in a custody battle over his kid (I pretty much checked out right then and there) but once he went back home to California, I see that it wasn't his gf.. it was his WIFE who he still lived with but was "seperated". Uh-huh. I didn't fall for it for a reason and good thing I didn't. 0 -
Oh wow. Same here except I was the youngest. It hurt me the most because I didn't grow up with any men period. My grandpa died when I was one, no uncles or brothers. No men period, My mom never dated. Ever. That's a whole other story. I usually trust people right off the bat. I don't go with the earning thing. No clue why.0
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If you haven't given me reason to not trust you, you have my trust. Now, that doesn't mean I'm going to confined in you not to tell something personal. I think there's different levels of trust. Everyone has that trust that they won't lie to me or about me, etc... Then, the more I know you, the deeper the trust level goes --- such as I trust you to keeps my secrets per-say. Once you break my trust, I don't turn around & give you a second chance with 100% trust. Whoever broke my trust, has to PROVE their selves to me over time. Prove to me that breaking that trust will never happen again. I'm not fast about re-giving someone my trust. Break it a third time & I'm done with you --- no if, ands, or buts about it. Why be friends with a person who can't even keep your trust?0
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i guess there are different levels of trust.
everyone gets the standard shallow level of trust til they break it.
but true trust has to be earned.
if you work by trusting everyone fully, you are just setting yourself up to be used and hurt. most people lie, even if it's "oh you look great in that", or "I love your hair". most people b!tch about others behind their backs. so i focus on not wasting my time on people who aren't genuine. and there are millions of them, trillions.
i'd prefer some honest, genuine imperfect friends, (even just a couple) to 100 acquaintances that you can't rely on. i learnt when i moved overseas, who my real friends were, and who dropped away, and it was liberating to know i don't have to waste my time on 30 - 40 people, just a handful. now i know who to be there for, and now i know who deserves my precious time, and many, well, i'm still friends with you, i'm just not going to break my back to do things for you.0 -
as a few others have said, I give everybody a 'neutral' card. i don't fully trust or distrust them. They get a limited amount of trust, like "ok I trust you enough to loan you $20"
As the friendship continues, they build more and more trust. Depending on what they do to break trust, they lose a certain amount of trust from me. This is the same for friends and family...if they break my trust enough, I cut them put of my life. Yes, I have had to do that to family. I have no regrets whatsoever either.
It basically stems from the way I was raised and treated by friends and family. People say, "you only have one family" but I don't think that should be a 'free card' for them to treat you so horribly, especially when they cannot even apologize. I know you cannot go through life not trusting people, and thinking they will all treat you the same, but you gotta ask yourself, "where is the cut off point? I respect myself too much to continually be treated like someone's doormat"0 -
Well except for the scary childhood part I almost thought that was my own writing.
I am "hard". There's walls and barriers that are very hard to break down. I've learned that most people cannot be trusted. I recently let a guy "in". Let the walls come down. Not all of them. But slowly over time I started to let him into my world. And that has ended. And the walls are right back up again.
Dating sucks. I think it's been one mess after another and making my walls thicker.
Mine comes from childhood--a messy relationship with my mother and a father who doesn't have a backbone to stand up to her. And my ex-husband cheated.0 -
I agree with the different levels of trust & the money thing amongstwaves mentioned is actually a good barometer of my trust level with people.
If I just met you, no, I wouldn't loan you $20.
If we've known each other a little while but not long enough for me to get an idea of how well you honor your commitments, no, I wouldn't loan you $20.
If I DO have an idea of how reliable you are, sure I'll loan you $20. If you pay it back when you say you will, that will go a long way towards building a stronger friendship based on trust. If you don't pay it back, I am off the hook for ever loaning you money again (yay). No hard feelings. I won't be an *kitten* to you, but loaning money will never again be a part of our relationship by your choosing. (BTW, never loan anyone more money than you can afford to lose. Words to live by.)
If you are someone who has proven time & time again you do what you say & have been a great friend to me unconditionally, I'll give you whatever you need whenever you need it & may or may not ask for it back.
No, I don't have trust issues stemming from childhood. Funny this topic came up, earlier today I just posted a status indicating that my trust issues stem from raisin cookies masquerading as chocolate chip cookies. Not sure that's something I'll ever get over.0 -
It's earned. I had a recent friend I had given my trust to, and now realized that was stupid of me. Time to trust less!0
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Trust is earned. I don't give it lightly and, once broken, I never give it to that person again.
This.0 -
Trust is earned. I don't give it lightly and, once broken, I never give it to that person again.
^^^ This - I came from a dysfunctional family as well, and I too have few friends I would do anything for, but trust is an issue for me - because people say I too am hard shelled because I dont just randomly hand out trust like a box of kleenex.0 -
I say its a bit of both. It takes me a LONG time to trust anybody 100% but if they break my trust on the way to getting to that 100% I'l never trust them again .Also due to various past issues .0
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I think you are very wise in your thinking! I have always trusted easily and gotten my heart torn to pieces. I am learning to go foreward more cautiously so I can very much understand where you are coming from. Listen to your instincts. I wish I had.0
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There's a whole risk/reward thing I do with trust. I don't usually trust people automatically, but if they give me *their* trust, or if the reward for giving my trust is really high, then it's easier for them to earn it.
For the most part, I give a small bit of trust pretty easily but to get all of it, takes a lot. I don't like getting burned, even though I've been known to play with fire once or twice...0 -
Trust is earned with me but if its broken then I am very hard and not only don't give it again to that person I actually just cut that person out of my life and walk away, I had a dysfunctional upbringing, bullied at school and then abused in relationships - i think i've always been this way but maybe not to this degree that has come from life i think0
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Well except for the scary childhood part I almost thought that was my own writing.
I am "hard". There's walls and barriers that are very hard to break down. I've learned that most people cannot be trusted. I recently let a guy "in". Let the walls come down. Not all of them. But slowly over time I started to let him into my world. And that has ended. And the walls are right back up again.
Dating sucks. I think it's been one mess after another and making my walls thicker.
Mine comes from childhood--a messy relationship with my mother and a father who doesn't have a backbone to stand up to her. And my ex-husband cheated.
I agree, dating sucks!!!! Especially around here...just finding men with teeth is a challenge. I grew up in Texas and honestly thought hillbillies were just postcard pictures. I now live in the Ozarks. Well...hillbillies are real..lol.0 -
Innocent until proven guilty. People tend to act the way you expect them to. I treat people as iff they're trustworthy. I find they don't want to violate that trust.
It doesn't take months to find out if someone's reliable. Do they do what they say they're going to do? Keep promises? Show up on time at agreed meetings? If not, they're not liekly to be anything but trouble. Some people love all that drama but I don't find it in the least exciting. Their excuses aren't even interesting.0 -
I don't trust or mistrust anyone. We are all just human, and no one is inherently trustworthy or not. I do my own thing, and try not to rely on anyone else, because everyone lets you down sometimes, it's a fact of life. It may not be intentional, but stuff happens.
I'm not a big believer in psychology. Every person is different not just from each other but in how they react from one minute to the next, there are too many things going on in anyone's life to be able to judge or predict them.
I guess what I am saying is I do my own thing, and if other people want to join in the ride, then that's great, but I don't count on it.0 -
I can't really relate, but I understand. I had a different bad-but-not-as-bad-as-yours childhood. I was forced to trust a lot of people I didn't know. And, surprisingly, no one ever let me down.
With me, I trust you straight up as much trust as you'll ever get from me - which is a lot. You mess it up and we're done. I tried doing the "earn the trust back" *kitten* with my most recent ex and it absolutely does not work. I will never trust you again if you mess up. I don't even know how to.
I've never lost anything by trusting people up front. It's too easy to cut them out of my life if they mess up. I don't take it personally. It's a nuisance to start over again with someone else, but I'd rather be calm and happy for the majority of my relationship than worrying about an impending betrayal that may never come. I understand why people don't trust right away. I'm just not there.0 -
It's to you when you feel it's time to fully trust someone.
But, I'd observe that if you keep hearing similar feedback, that you come off as hard/cold/mean/insert adjective.....maybe you are giving that off without meaning to.
I'm kind of shy, and sometimes people interpret it as snobbishness. That's not what I mean, but I'm aware that how it gets interpreted sometimes, so once I became aware that I sometimes give that impression, I try extra hard not to seem that way.0 -
I am the oldest of 3 girls. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic father who would be out every weekend while my mom would frantically go out looking for him leaving me in charge at 3am. They'd come home, physically fight, scream, etc... all while I would shield my 2 little sisters from seeing them as we huddled up in the corner crying.
Okay sad story but that's what I was dealt with as a child and I've healed from most of it. My parents are now pastors, completely different people than they were then.
I've healed as far as I don't blame my parents for anything... they didn't know better. I understand now that it's MY responsibility to get my life where I want it to be.
I've healed by working on my daddy issues and no longer need a man or have the fear of a man leaving me.
But, now that I'm divorced and dating, I've been told by 2 guys that I'm hard shelled/ mysterious/ hard to read.
When I've had serious talks with dates, I'll open up and explain how I'm one that has a few friends that will die for me and vice versa. I don't have a big group and I prefer it that way. I trust my friends completely but it took time. You just have to earn it with me. It doesn't mean I test you or don't open up to you but I do take my time when doing so.
One guy told me he trusts everybody until they break it which to me, doesn't make sense.
Another guy I recently dated said it was probably because of my divorce, in which my ex cheated. I kindly told him that I didn't think so.. I've always been this way. I've always taken time to quietly observe a person and see if they're worth my trust... and once I see they are, I'm loyal and will gladly die for them, give them my all.
I am a very happy person. I'm a sweet girl. I'm loyal, and I'm the one that will make you laugh when you're down. I truly care about those in my circle. I'm optimistic and bubbly. I'm not a cold or bitter at all. I just choose not to trust just anybody. But I don't want to be known as "hard" (whatever that means) once they start getting to know me.
And the only way I think they think this is because when they sweet talk me, I won't swoon right away. I won't fall for it immediately. And so far, I'm right. The only guy out of the bunch that I've dated so far, that I have let in, is one of my closest friends now. I see him 2 times a week usually. We are very close but he proved to me that I can trust him and he's now in my circle. He cares about me and I can see it.
The other guys who used their words to try to get me to do whatever they wanted... are gone? Moved on to the next one only proving my point that they're not worth my trust.
Can anybody relate? I'm sure it has to do with how I grew up... but why is that bad?
I can, my parents, dad is dead from alcohol, which is best for him and the mom is still the old battle axe. i married my wife or she married me because you can see in my actions and words that i am real and vice versa, you seem to know what your doing, earn trust, don't give it.0 -
Take your time.0
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