Is trust earned or do you give trust until they break it?

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  • Annette_rose
    Annette_rose Posts: 427 Member
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    I think you are very wise in your thinking! I have always trusted easily and gotten my heart torn to pieces. I am learning to go foreward more cautiously so I can very much understand where you are coming from. Listen to your instincts. I wish I had.
  • 76tech
    76tech Posts: 1,455 Member
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    There's a whole risk/reward thing I do with trust. I don't usually trust people automatically, but if they give me *their* trust, or if the reward for giving my trust is really high, then it's easier for them to earn it.

    For the most part, I give a small bit of trust pretty easily but to get all of it, takes a lot. I don't like getting burned, even though I've been known to play with fire once or twice...
  • wendyannie1976
    wendyannie1976 Posts: 205 Member
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    Trust is earned with me but if its broken then I am very hard and not only don't give it again to that person I actually just cut that person out of my life and walk away, I had a dysfunctional upbringing, bullied at school and then abused in relationships - i think i've always been this way but maybe not to this degree that has come from life i think
  • Annette_rose
    Annette_rose Posts: 427 Member
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    Well except for the scary childhood part I almost thought that was my own writing.

    I am "hard". There's walls and barriers that are very hard to break down. I've learned that most people cannot be trusted. I recently let a guy "in". Let the walls come down. Not all of them. But slowly over time I started to let him into my world. And that has ended. And the walls are right back up again.

    Dating sucks. I think it's been one mess after another and making my walls thicker.

    Mine comes from childhood--a messy relationship with my mother and a father who doesn't have a backbone to stand up to her. And my ex-husband cheated.

    I agree, dating sucks!!!! Especially around here...just finding men with teeth is a challenge. I grew up in Texas and honestly thought hillbillies were just postcard pictures. I now live in the Ozarks. Well...hillbillies are real..lol.
  • kantone999
    kantone999 Posts: 174
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    Innocent until proven guilty. People tend to act the way you expect them to. I treat people as iff they're trustworthy. I find they don't want to violate that trust.

    It doesn't take months to find out if someone's reliable. Do they do what they say they're going to do? Keep promises? Show up on time at agreed meetings? If not, they're not liekly to be anything but trouble. Some people love all that drama but I don't find it in the least exciting. Their excuses aren't even interesting.
  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,311 Member
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    I don't trust or mistrust anyone. We are all just human, and no one is inherently trustworthy or not. I do my own thing, and try not to rely on anyone else, because everyone lets you down sometimes, it's a fact of life. It may not be intentional, but stuff happens.

    I'm not a big believer in psychology. Every person is different not just from each other but in how they react from one minute to the next, there are too many things going on in anyone's life to be able to judge or predict them.

    I guess what I am saying is I do my own thing, and if other people want to join in the ride, then that's great, but I don't count on it.
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,366 Member
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    I can't really relate, but I understand. I had a different bad-but-not-as-bad-as-yours childhood. I was forced to trust a lot of people I didn't know. And, surprisingly, no one ever let me down.

    With me, I trust you straight up as much trust as you'll ever get from me - which is a lot. You mess it up and we're done. I tried doing the "earn the trust back" *kitten* with my most recent ex and it absolutely does not work. I will never trust you again if you mess up. I don't even know how to.

    I've never lost anything by trusting people up front. It's too easy to cut them out of my life if they mess up. I don't take it personally. It's a nuisance to start over again with someone else, but I'd rather be calm and happy for the majority of my relationship than worrying about an impending betrayal that may never come. I understand why people don't trust right away. I'm just not there.
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
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    It's to you when you feel it's time to fully trust someone.

    But, I'd observe that if you keep hearing similar feedback, that you come off as hard/cold/mean/insert adjective.....maybe you are giving that off without meaning to.

    I'm kind of shy, and sometimes people interpret it as snobbishness. That's not what I mean, but I'm aware that how it gets interpreted sometimes, so once I became aware that I sometimes give that impression, I try extra hard not to seem that way.
  • minnesota_deere
    minnesota_deere Posts: 232 Member
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    I am the oldest of 3 girls. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic father who would be out every weekend while my mom would frantically go out looking for him leaving me in charge at 3am. They'd come home, physically fight, scream, etc... all while I would shield my 2 little sisters from seeing them as we huddled up in the corner crying.

    Okay sad story but that's what I was dealt with as a child and I've healed from most of it. My parents are now pastors, completely different people than they were then.

    I've healed as far as I don't blame my parents for anything... they didn't know better. I understand now that it's MY responsibility to get my life where I want it to be.
    I've healed by working on my daddy issues and no longer need a man or have the fear of a man leaving me.

    But, now that I'm divorced and dating, I've been told by 2 guys that I'm hard shelled/ mysterious/ hard to read.
    When I've had serious talks with dates, I'll open up and explain how I'm one that has a few friends that will die for me and vice versa. I don't have a big group and I prefer it that way. I trust my friends completely but it took time. You just have to earn it with me. It doesn't mean I test you or don't open up to you but I do take my time when doing so.
    One guy told me he trusts everybody until they break it which to me, doesn't make sense.
    Another guy I recently dated said it was probably because of my divorce, in which my ex cheated. I kindly told him that I didn't think so.. I've always been this way. I've always taken time to quietly observe a person and see if they're worth my trust... and once I see they are, I'm loyal and will gladly die for them, give them my all.

    I am a very happy person. I'm a sweet girl. I'm loyal, and I'm the one that will make you laugh when you're down. I truly care about those in my circle. I'm optimistic and bubbly. I'm not a cold or bitter at all. I just choose not to trust just anybody. But I don't want to be known as "hard" (whatever that means) once they start getting to know me.

    And the only way I think they think this is because when they sweet talk me, I won't swoon right away. I won't fall for it immediately. And so far, I'm right. The only guy out of the bunch that I've dated so far, that I have let in, is one of my closest friends now. I see him 2 times a week usually. We are very close but he proved to me that I can trust him and he's now in my circle. He cares about me and I can see it.
    The other guys who used their words to try to get me to do whatever they wanted... are gone? Moved on to the next one only proving my point that they're not worth my trust.

    Can anybody relate? I'm sure it has to do with how I grew up... but why is that bad?

    I can, my parents, dad is dead from alcohol, which is best for him and the mom is still the old battle axe. i married my wife or she married me because you can see in my actions and words that i am real and vice versa, you seem to know what your doing, earn trust, don't give it.
  • rachelwesson
    rachelwesson Posts: 18
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    Take your time.
  • LuLuSUPER
    LuLuSUPER Posts: 189
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    My childhood was similar to that. For me, I tend to deal with people where they are. Everyone starts with an "A" and can earn an "F" trusting my gut instinct has helped me gauge what level of trust is extended.
  • r1ghtpath
    r1ghtpath Posts: 701 Member
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    i'm recently divorced as well, and have been dating a couple months. my childhood was messed up too. my parents split while i was in high school.

    i never had that 'looked for love from guys' thing..... but i think that's more my innate temperament and personality.

    my thing is that i don't lie. i tell the truth. therefore, i tend to assume others are as well....... and what i have come to learn is that often they don't. even if they aren't lying they're omitting truth, which to me, is the same.

    so, i do tend to trust in the beginning, but then quickly become skeptical because of half truths, or omissions, or white lies....... and for me, it's hard to just go back to being trusting. you could say i use my gut a lot. if something feels off, it usually IS off!!!

    i, too, have been told i'm hard/ cold. one date told me he initially thought i was the ice queen! and recently i've been told that i come off as "stand off-ish." i used to open up to people, but i don't do that anymore.

    my inner circle is very very very small!!!!! like VERY small! but, after what i've been through, i believe i deserve to be like that.
  • La_Amazona
    La_Amazona Posts: 4,855 Member
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    thank you everyone for sharing your experiences.

    i'm not alone in this and it brings comfort.

    the cool thing is although i might be a little stand off'ish at first or skeptical, once you have me, you have ALL of me and it's not like it takes forever to happen.

    the one guy friend i'm talking about... all it took was 1 night in which some events happened where he earned my trust completely (because of the way he handled it) and he knows he did. :heart:
  • stayxtrue
    stayxtrue Posts: 1,190 Member
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    Trust has to be earnt. The fact is we live in a society where trust is broken in a split second.

    For me do not give my trust easily, you have to earn it! And if the person cant be bothered then they never were going to stick by you for a long term friendship anyway
  • Julz2586
    Julz2586 Posts: 1,337 Member
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    My trust is given from the get go!

    I see no reason not to trust someone until they give me a reason not too, then they have to earn it back.
  • scepterian
    scepterian Posts: 35
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    Look, Listen, Learn... Earn.
  • mikeschratz
    mikeschratz Posts: 253 Member
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    Since you grew up in an alcoholic family, I will use the Bill Wilson analogy! In the book "As Bill Sees It" it says, I need to assess people to see if they deserve my trust! My trust is a true gift today and it is worth me assessing people to see if they deserve it. If I see someone I am assessing talking about other folks behind their back (commonly called Character Assasination) then I don't give them my trust to abuse!
    It is quite that simple, and I too do not trust folks until they get assessed and are truly accepting of my trust. And the friends I have today are ones that would die for me, as much as I would die for them!
  • xo_morgan
    xo_morgan Posts: 298
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    as far as trusting someone with my deepest secrets & feelings..thats totally earned. i will never give anyone any information about me unless i know with my whole heart they are worthy.

    as far as trusting a "new boyfriend" say..its always in the back of my mind to be on my p's&q's. Trust definitely has to be earned..but i wont go looking through his phone or accusing him of late night rendezvous, i will trust him on that aspect, until he gives me a reason not to.

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