Self esteem down the toilet

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  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
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    I think you'd do great with online dating. My husband and I are both a little out-of-the-ordinary when it comes to our dating personalities. I'm a little too much of a tomboy smartass for most of the guys I dated, and he was too much of a nerd for most of the women he dated. Online dating was great because we could find personality types that we were compatible with moreso than the random hookups or bar dates. You have a larger selection of women to choose from, and the likelihood of finding someone you're compatible with is greater as a result.

    Also, remember that you don't need a ton of women flocking to you, just one high-quality woman that you care about and who cares for you. Focus on finding the right woman, not all the women.
  • BrettPGH
    BrettPGH Posts: 4,720 Member
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    Gotta love yourself first. Figure out what it is you like about yourself, come to terms with who you are as a person and never apologize for it.

    Do that and you'll feel more confident in yourself.

    Feel confident and women will respond.

    So don't worry about the ladies for now. Focus on you. Start feeling good about yourself and everything else will fall into place.

    OR hookers. If you don't feel like doing all that.
  • amymrls
    amymrls Posts: 1,673 Member
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    A smile and happy eyes do amazing things for your face. Maybe you need to practice being happy with you before you try to get with someone else. You aren't unattractive you just look sad and people tend to herd toward cheerfulness.
  • militarydreams
    militarydreams Posts: 198 Member
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    OR hookers. If you don't feel like doing all that.

    This was an uplifting post until you got turrets at the end :laugh:
  • saskia777
    saskia777 Posts: 6 Member
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    Be yourself and be happy and content with yourself. It is when you stop trying that hard that things usually happen. When you feel happy about yourself, proud of what you have achieved and do not rely on the opposite sex for giving you confidence in yourself you will find that people will be more attracted to you. I know it sounds weird, but it always worked for me. And maybe surrounding yourself with good friends that also make you laugh and have a great time will help. First love yourself and the rest will follow. And exercising is great, as you shape you body and get in a good mood!:wink:
  • Softly_Sedated
    Softly_Sedated Posts: 11
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    I found that when I stopped looking, that's when I met my (now) husband.
  • Nicola0000
    Nicola0000 Posts: 531 Member
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    My brother was feeling like this too a while back. He's very shy. And his problem wasn't with him, but with the type of girls HE was trying to attract. He was only looking for an attractive girl, and that got him burned too many times. He lowered his standard on the attractiveness side of things, but finally upped his standards for things like self-respect, honesty, etc. He's found himself a wonderful girl who treats him well and is a pleasure to be around. So maybe it's not you, but instead who you are trying to attract...

    This!! Ive just finished from a 10 year relationship, and feel the same way. But I do believe there is someone out there for everyone. Ive been going out a lot more, talking to different people and thats helping my confidence no end!!
  • BrettPGH
    BrettPGH Posts: 4,720 Member
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    OR hookers. If you don't feel like doing all that.

    This was an uplifting post until you got turrets at the end :laugh:

    Gotta be me. :smile:
  • elishabeish
    elishabeish Posts: 175 Member
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    For me and I know I'm not alone, looks are not the overall end all thing for women. I am married to a man that to the majority of the world may not be considered handsome but he is hot and sexy to me. The way he treats me each and every day and his humor and a million others things are what I love about him the most not his physical appearance. Time changes all of our looks and if that is what a woman is not liking you for then that is not the type of woman you want anyway. I would suggest you be friendly and smile and be confident in yourself and who you are and in due time the right girl will come along for you. From your picture I wouldn't list you as unattractive anyway so don't worry.
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
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    Here's the thing... when you (not just you, more of a hypothetical you) are mooning over girls who you think are going out with jerks, you're doing the same thing the supposed jerk-loving girls are doing. You're glamorizing someone's bad behavior. But instead of the liking a girl who's a jerk, you're liking a girl who likes jerks.

    I'm sure there's loads of other women you know who aren't seeing anyone, who don't have bad taste in men, and are wondering why all the guys are only interested in the girls involved with someone else. Forget everyone who's unavailable or has bad taste in men. Focus on available women who want someone like you.
  • sanjoparolas
    sanjoparolas Posts: 557 Member
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    Since someone suggested it, I checked out the groups local to me on Meetup.com. Wow! Bicycling, gardening, Spanish, social, dancing, investing . . . and I live in a fairly small town! I have kind of the opposite situation as the OP, have a busy family and too many things always going on so I am often seeking solitude so I will not be participating in the Meetup groups in the near term, but it's great to know there is so much out there!
  • aymetcalf
    aymetcalf Posts: 597 Member
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    Hey there - I actually have been struggling with the same thing. I'm married so it's not with that - but I struggle with the self esteem stuff. Its hard to lose so much weight and feel like you're supposed to be proud of your accomplishments but then feel like you're just "stuck being me". It's tough - i know - but you have to focus on everything you have gained from losing weight (ie. physical abilities, attractiveness that is 'better than it was', etc...) So, even if everything isnt perfect, you're still doing pretty good - and you will meet someone - someone that values your accomplishments and can provide a real relationship. :flowerforyou:
  • radicalreader
    radicalreader Posts: 207 Member
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    First thing ... stop feeling sorry for yourself. You can't be happy in a relationship until you are happy in your own skin.
    Tell yourself that you are not even going to consider dating for the next 12 months (or 15 or 18 whatever) while you concentrate on figuring out how to be happy on your own.

    Next, I want you to answer three questions:
    1. I really enjoy ...
    2. I really wish I could/knew how to ...
    3. I could help others by ...

    Follow up with one (at least one) activity for each of those three things that lets you come into contact with other people who share your interests or talents. DO NOT look for dates. Look for friends, both male and female.

    Take the next year to learn to paint or speak Russian or read the Bible or travel or tutor underprivileged children or learn photography or build a Habitat house or serve meals to the homeless or volunteer on a political campaign or whatever else that will make you a complete, happy confident person with a wide network of friends.

    AND THEN you will be the fascinating guy that girls want to get to know and you will have bucket loads of friends who really understand and appreciate who you are inside and are fighting each other to introduce you to their sister, cousin, neighbor, coworker.
  • lorenzoinlr
    lorenzoinlr Posts: 338 Member
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    I think you'd do great with online dating. My husband and I are both a little out-of-the-ordinary when it comes to our dating personalities. I'm a little too much of a tomboy smartass for most of the guys I dated, and he was too much of a nerd for most of the women he dated. Online dating was great because we could find personality types that we were compatible with moreso than the random hookups or bar dates. You have a larger selection of women to choose from, and the likelihood of finding someone you're compatible with is greater as a result.

    Also, remember that you don't need a ton of women flocking to you, just one high-quality woman that you care about and who cares for you. Focus on finding the right woman, not all the women.

    Some seem to have success with on-line dating but in the short time I've been on it I've met more women who seem like poor candidates for a healthy relationship than the ones in the bars.
  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
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    I think you'd do great with online dating. My husband and I are both a little out-of-the-ordinary when it comes to our dating personalities. I'm a little too much of a tomboy smartass for most of the guys I dated, and he was too much of a nerd for most of the women he dated. Online dating was great because we could find personality types that we were compatible with moreso than the random hookups or bar dates. You have a larger selection of women to choose from, and the likelihood of finding someone you're compatible with is greater as a result.

    Also, remember that you don't need a ton of women flocking to you, just one high-quality woman that you care about and who cares for you. Focus on finding the right woman, not all the women.

    Some seem to have success with on-line dating but in the short time I've been on it I've met more women who seem like poor candidates for a healthy relationship than the ones in the bars.

    Just like anywhere else, you have to be selective and patient.
  • CoryIda
    CoryIda Posts: 7,887 Member
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    I posted an almost identical thread last week.

    1) be confident

    Seriously... That was the one thing that people brought up again and again and again and again.
  • bigdawg025
    bigdawg025 Posts: 774 Member
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    Being confident is MUCH easier said than done... I don't care what anyone says.

    It's tough... and it's a battle every day.

    I know exactly how you feel because I fight the very same feelings on a daily basis. Just keep working at it. It's all you can do!
  • bcunning
    bcunning Posts: 81 Member
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    If it helps you... I was very shy for a long time. I started taking jobs that FORCED me to interact with as many people as possible. I have been a bartender, waiter, deliverer (still am), I even bartended in a strip club (no, I don't recommend it).

    There is nothing like working for tips to teach you how to talk with people if that is something you're not comfortable with. Because of the sheer numbers of people you meet each day, it is easier to experiment with what works and what does not, with no real consequences as you are not trying to start a relationship with any of these people, although that can happen too.

    As far as confidence goes, I had to fake confidence for a long time. I found a big smile, and an easy sense of humor helps there. But.... the longer you fake having confidence... the more confident you actually become, so after a while it is no longer fake.

    I know this all sounds kind of crass and analytical, but it is very effective. At the age of 20 I would not even try to talk to a girl, much less have a relationship with them. Now I feel like a (relatively) normal person.
  • albinogorilla
    albinogorilla Posts: 1,056 Member
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    Dispite losing weight and seeing happy numbers on a piece of junk that I keep on my bathroom floor... I'm the same old me. I look at some girls and the guys that they get with and can't help but think they've chosen a total *kitten* yet here I am, lonely, so what do I know? I know I'm not an *kitten*, I don't think there's anything wrong with my character and even if there was I couldn't do much about it so I'm left with the assumption that I'm just not physically attractive.

    I don't see what I'm doing wrong, I understand that confidence is attractive and me mopeing about isn't helping the short circuit so I do try to make an effort to keep my chin up but I'm starting to feel defeated.

    Anyone else finding things difficult? Did you find anything that helped you to feel more comfortable in your skin?

    If you like chick's that like *kitten*, easy solution.............be an *kitten*. Otherwise, find a girl that isn't into *kitten*.
  • graelwyn
    graelwyn Posts: 1,340 Member
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    Terrible self esteem here, and moreso currently as my boyfriend of over a year has cut off contact with no word, ignored phone calls and left me in limbo. I tend to constantly beat myself up over having a slightly difficult personality, prone to mood swings and sulks, so I blame myself for it all. So I am pretty much an expert in low self esteem. I have just given up on ever being with anyone for life myself, which is what I had hoped this would turn out to be. It is hard to advise when you have had little success with your own self esteem, lol.

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