Self esteem down the toilet

militarydreams
militarydreams Posts: 198 Member
in Motivation and Support
Dispite losing weight and seeing happy numbers on a piece of junk that I keep on my bathroom floor... I'm the same old me. I look at some girls and the guys that they get with and can't help but think they've chosen a total *kitten* yet here I am, lonely, so what do I know? I know I'm not an *kitten*, I don't think there's anything wrong with my character and even if there was I couldn't do much about it so I'm left with the assumption that I'm just not physically attractive.

I don't see what I'm doing wrong, I understand that confidence is attractive and me mopeing about isn't helping the short circuit so I do try to make an effort to keep my chin up but I'm starting to feel defeated.

Anyone else finding things difficult? Did you find anything that helped you to feel more comfortable in your skin?
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Replies

  • Dahllywood
    Dahllywood Posts: 642 Member
    Maybe you need to put yourself out there more. I know one of my biggest problems is that I'm too shy and don't present myself, even though I may be confident.
  • militarydreams
    militarydreams Posts: 198 Member
    I guess that could be the issue, I can be quite shy at times
  • lynette111
    lynette111 Posts: 77 Member
    For me and I know I'm not alone, looks are not the overall end all thing for women. I am married to a man that to the majority of the world may not be considered handsome but he is hot and sexy to me. The way he treats me each and every day and his humor and a million others things are what I love about him the most not his physical appearance. Time changes all of our looks and if that is what a woman is not liking you for then that is not the type of woman you want anyway. I would suggest you be friendly and smile and be confident in yourself and who you are and in due time the right girl will come along for you. From your picture I wouldn't list you as unattractive anyway so don't worry.
  • SueGremlin
    SueGremlin Posts: 1,066 Member
    The absolute sexiest thing about a man is confidence and humor. I'm sorry you're feeling down about yourself.

    Step back and think about what would attract you to a woman. (for this exercise, pretend you are blind) :smile:

    Would she be friendly and engaging? Confident? Interesting? Would she ask you about yourself and take interest in what you have to say? :flowerforyou:
  • chachadiva150
    chachadiva150 Posts: 453 Member
    Dude, get out there and meet more people. Do you have any hobbies or things you want to try?

    Go to meetup.com, type in your zip code and your interest and it will bring up a list of various meet ups happening in your area. It's a great, no commitment way to meet new people with whom you may share a common interest.

    When you're some random dude in a club, a woman might pass you by because she doesn't know you. If you are both a part of a book club or an origami group, then a woman will be more willing to talk.

    Get out there!!
  • debbiestine
    debbiestine Posts: 265 Member
    Start reading the Psalms everyday and asking God to lift you up! A sad, down person will not attract anyone. Pray that he will fill you with the fruit of the spirit-love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control. Galatians 5:22
  • dododo123
    dododo123 Posts: 105 Member
    Maybe you are coming on too strong? Not saying you must be, but did you consider it? Like, when you meet a lady, do you immediately consider her an option? And if you do, do you signal her immediately? That can be an issue for women as far as I know. Good luck dude.
  • debbiestine
    debbiestine Posts: 265 Member
    whoops, I forgot "faithfulness"!
  • TeslaJoule
    TeslaJoule Posts: 62 Member
    My brother was feeling like this too a while back. He's very shy. And his problem wasn't with him, but with the type of girls HE was trying to attract. He was only looking for an attractive girl, and that got him burned too many times. He lowered his standard on the attractiveness side of things, but finally upped his standards for things like self-respect, honesty, etc. He's found himself a wonderful girl who treats him well and is a pleasure to be around. So maybe it's not you, but instead who you are trying to attract...
  • lorenzoinlr
    lorenzoinlr Posts: 338 Member
    Alot of beauty and attraction come from within. When someone's comfortable in their own skin they're a whole lot more attractive. I agree with chachadiva. If you can find something you enjoy and can share with others, your happiness can make you a whole lot more desirable and having something in common can give you a chance to bond.

    I'm in a gardening club. I not only meet those in it, but their friends as well. Ok, gardening isn't very macho, so I make sure to really go at it when I'm weight training to compensate. If I'm moving a heavy shrub, I grunt as though I'm lifting weights. You do what you can.
  • ktbug82
    ktbug82 Posts: 166
    So maybe it's not you, but instead who you are trying to attract...

    ^This
  • militarydreams
    militarydreams Posts: 198 Member
    These are all fair and helpful comments, I realise that opening up on the internet isn't the best plan so I'm very thankful :smile:
  • tdj819
    tdj819 Posts: 41
    I know how you feel! I am attempting to date and using a dating site seeing as I don't go to bars, and it's hard to meet people in my town outside of the bar. And that website has really killed any self esteem I have. I am not a bad person, I don't think I'm that unattractive, I chunky but I'm working on it. When I reply to someone's ad, I get nasty replies or an automatic delete w/o them reading it, cos they saw my pic and I'm not Barbie or a photo shopped model. It hurts!
  • L00py_T0ucan
    L00py_T0ucan Posts: 1,378 Member
    If you are both a part of a book club or an origami group, then a woman will be more willing to talk.

    - - -

    Women love men that know the difference between a valley fold and a mountain fold, let me tell you!

    - - -

    I would offer other advice, but I am not really one to be giving advice. I could go on and on about what not to do... :laugh: :noway: :flowerforyou:
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
    I agree with the suggestion to join groups that interest you, not necessarily "singles" groups or a dating site or clubbing. I met my boyfriend through a group we were both involved in and we were just friends first before something more blossomed. To me, it was through getting to know him that I found him more attractive. It wasn't just what he looks like, it was about the man he is that I came to know.
  • xHelloQuincyx
    xHelloQuincyx Posts: 884 Member
    it took me two major *kitten* holes, and a wasted 4 years, to realize that i was miserable.

    im now dating a biomedical engineer
    who has plans, a career, and who isnt a mooch
    infact its nice to be the one getting taken care of insteed of trying to 'fix' a man
    not to mention we connect on deeper levels then anyone ive dated before. and have intelegent conversations and our needs are met 50/50 most of the time.

    humor, intelligence, and similar interests. <3

    i guess what im trying to say is that if you need to look at who you are trying to attract. and what THEY are looking for too

    if you dont have confidence, fake it and give it a good try for a week. im sure you would be swarming with girls. that or try out match.com so you dont waste time on losers whos needs arnt close to yours.

    also i totally agree with the poster above me! i wasnt really physically attracted to my man before i got to know who he was really. now i cant keep my hands off him. we meet at work :]
  • mixedfeelings
    mixedfeelings Posts: 904 Member
    Just don't give up. Sometimes when you lose weight it take a while for the confidence to catch up.

    Just put yourself out there, do stuff you enjoy and then hopefully you'll find someone.
  • Amy_Lee_2012
    Amy_Lee_2012 Posts: 156 Member
    I feel like this a lot. I am still a very big woman, so I get that I am probably not what a lot of men usually go for- but I see so many guys putting up with so much B.S. from their pretty, thin girlfriends, and here I am, extremely nice, kind-hearted and funny, yet no one will give me a second glance.

    I recently fell for a guy online ( I know, not the best way of 'meeting' someone) and I was honest and told him I am fat. He said he wasn't sure if it would put him off or not until he met me, as it all depended on how big I was and how I looked. I get what he was saying, but it still hurt that my weight would have probably gotten in the way of us being together. So, I decided against meeting him, seeing as I figured a real, face to face rejection would have been far worse than an online one.

    I know I still have a long way on my weight loss journey, but it sucks doing it alone. I wish weight and outer appearances didn't mean to much, but sadly, they do to a lot of people.
    But, how I present myself also matters- and I know that I have a lot of work to do on my self-esteem. Hopefully that will get better with the more weight I lose.
  • chachadiva150
    chachadiva150 Posts: 453 Member
    If you are both a part of a book club or an origami group, then a woman will be more willing to talk.
    - - -
    Women love men that know the difference between a valley fold and a mountain fold, let me tell you!
    Quirky gals love quirky guys.
  • adrian_indy
    adrian_indy Posts: 1,444 Member
    If your self-esteem is in the toilet, flush it. You just said it yourself. Good character, that's all you need. I know it's popular opinion that women like bad boys, but they don't girls like bad boys. Women want a guy who can hold down an income, take out the garbage, help with the dishes, and listen to them. They also want a man that can make them laugh (generally speaking). Be nice with out being a door mat, and confident without being arrogant, and you'll be fine. Oh, and learn how to eat at the Y.
  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
    I think you'd do great with online dating. My husband and I are both a little out-of-the-ordinary when it comes to our dating personalities. I'm a little too much of a tomboy smartass for most of the guys I dated, and he was too much of a nerd for most of the women he dated. Online dating was great because we could find personality types that we were compatible with moreso than the random hookups or bar dates. You have a larger selection of women to choose from, and the likelihood of finding someone you're compatible with is greater as a result.

    Also, remember that you don't need a ton of women flocking to you, just one high-quality woman that you care about and who cares for you. Focus on finding the right woman, not all the women.
  • BrettPGH
    BrettPGH Posts: 4,716 Member
    Gotta love yourself first. Figure out what it is you like about yourself, come to terms with who you are as a person and never apologize for it.

    Do that and you'll feel more confident in yourself.

    Feel confident and women will respond.

    So don't worry about the ladies for now. Focus on you. Start feeling good about yourself and everything else will fall into place.

    OR hookers. If you don't feel like doing all that.
  • amymrls
    amymrls Posts: 1,673 Member
    A smile and happy eyes do amazing things for your face. Maybe you need to practice being happy with you before you try to get with someone else. You aren't unattractive you just look sad and people tend to herd toward cheerfulness.
  • militarydreams
    militarydreams Posts: 198 Member
    OR hookers. If you don't feel like doing all that.

    This was an uplifting post until you got turrets at the end :laugh:
  • saskia777
    saskia777 Posts: 6 Member
    Be yourself and be happy and content with yourself. It is when you stop trying that hard that things usually happen. When you feel happy about yourself, proud of what you have achieved and do not rely on the opposite sex for giving you confidence in yourself you will find that people will be more attracted to you. I know it sounds weird, but it always worked for me. And maybe surrounding yourself with good friends that also make you laugh and have a great time will help. First love yourself and the rest will follow. And exercising is great, as you shape you body and get in a good mood!:wink:
  • Softly_Sedated
    Softly_Sedated Posts: 11
    I found that when I stopped looking, that's when I met my (now) husband.
  • Nicola0000
    Nicola0000 Posts: 531 Member
    My brother was feeling like this too a while back. He's very shy. And his problem wasn't with him, but with the type of girls HE was trying to attract. He was only looking for an attractive girl, and that got him burned too many times. He lowered his standard on the attractiveness side of things, but finally upped his standards for things like self-respect, honesty, etc. He's found himself a wonderful girl who treats him well and is a pleasure to be around. So maybe it's not you, but instead who you are trying to attract...

    This!! Ive just finished from a 10 year relationship, and feel the same way. But I do believe there is someone out there for everyone. Ive been going out a lot more, talking to different people and thats helping my confidence no end!!
  • BrettPGH
    BrettPGH Posts: 4,716 Member
    OR hookers. If you don't feel like doing all that.

    This was an uplifting post until you got turrets at the end :laugh:

    Gotta be me. :smile:
  • elishabeish
    elishabeish Posts: 175 Member
    For me and I know I'm not alone, looks are not the overall end all thing for women. I am married to a man that to the majority of the world may not be considered handsome but he is hot and sexy to me. The way he treats me each and every day and his humor and a million others things are what I love about him the most not his physical appearance. Time changes all of our looks and if that is what a woman is not liking you for then that is not the type of woman you want anyway. I would suggest you be friendly and smile and be confident in yourself and who you are and in due time the right girl will come along for you. From your picture I wouldn't list you as unattractive anyway so don't worry.
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
    Here's the thing... when you (not just you, more of a hypothetical you) are mooning over girls who you think are going out with jerks, you're doing the same thing the supposed jerk-loving girls are doing. You're glamorizing someone's bad behavior. But instead of the liking a girl who's a jerk, you're liking a girl who likes jerks.

    I'm sure there's loads of other women you know who aren't seeing anyone, who don't have bad taste in men, and are wondering why all the guys are only interested in the girls involved with someone else. Forget everyone who's unavailable or has bad taste in men. Focus on available women who want someone like you.

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