Totally Binged Today, badly
graelwyn
Posts: 1,340 Member
I don't know what came over me, although I am going through a breakup of sorts.
A friend came to visit for the afternoon, and we had lunch and dinner... not healthy stuff.
Veggie burger,chips and millionaires shortbread...things I havent had in a long, long time. I don't eat burgers and chips.
Then dinner at pizza express, a leggera and half one of those big chocolate sundae things.
And then suddenly, for the first time in my life, I was overcome by an urge so intense that I went out at 2am in search of chocolate ice cream, ended up calling up domino's and ordered a pint of ben and jerrys and 8 of their cookies, and got through the whole lot.
Worst than the binge perhaps, is that I did my best to purge the whole lot after each meal and tonight's binge, and feel so, so disappointed in myself, for being so weak to binge in the first place, and for being so badly caught up in the purge cycle again. I really hate this. I was doing so well for a week or two, and something has gone wrong.
I am thinking the only way I can control this is to ban sugar and wheat entirely from my diet
And it is not as if I have even been undereating, so that isn't an excuse either.
I feel so ashamed and disgusted, as I have never eaten this badly in one day.
Plus, I don't know what to log, considering I got rid of as much of it as I was able.
I see someone about these issues, but app isnt until the 11th now.
All I want is to learn a way to eat clean and healthy and balance it all out, maintaining my current weight.
A friend came to visit for the afternoon, and we had lunch and dinner... not healthy stuff.
Veggie burger,chips and millionaires shortbread...things I havent had in a long, long time. I don't eat burgers and chips.
Then dinner at pizza express, a leggera and half one of those big chocolate sundae things.
And then suddenly, for the first time in my life, I was overcome by an urge so intense that I went out at 2am in search of chocolate ice cream, ended up calling up domino's and ordered a pint of ben and jerrys and 8 of their cookies, and got through the whole lot.
Worst than the binge perhaps, is that I did my best to purge the whole lot after each meal and tonight's binge, and feel so, so disappointed in myself, for being so weak to binge in the first place, and for being so badly caught up in the purge cycle again. I really hate this. I was doing so well for a week or two, and something has gone wrong.
I am thinking the only way I can control this is to ban sugar and wheat entirely from my diet
And it is not as if I have even been undereating, so that isn't an excuse either.
I feel so ashamed and disgusted, as I have never eaten this badly in one day.
Plus, I don't know what to log, considering I got rid of as much of it as I was able.
I see someone about these issues, but app isnt until the 11th now.
All I want is to learn a way to eat clean and healthy and balance it all out, maintaining my current weight.
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Replies
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If it helps, i totally fell off the wagon today too - i ate an entire bag of revels despite already being over on my cals for the day!!! Some suggestions i got from others were to eat less carbs and more protein which should help to stave off cravings for more food and sweet things. I also learned it's harder to resist things when it's your time of the month, so if it is for you too, make sure you pay special attention to what you're eating xxx0
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Are you getting help for your eating disorder? Are you in therapy?0
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Due in maybe 3 days or so, checking my calendar. I suppose it could account for the monstrous loss of control. Just so worried, I will keep doing it. Why is it some people, like me, can eat chocolate and sweet things until they feel sick, and still like them afterwards, while others don't get cravings at all? Sure, I am not overweight, I am bordering on underweight, but I don't want these losses of control.0
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Please listen to this. http://www.npr.org/2012/04/02/149846861/mother-speaks-out-after-losing-daughter-to-bulimia.
Get help. There is so much more going on here, you need to get some professionals involved.0 -
Are you getting help for your eating disorder? Are you in therapy?
I am seeing a psychologist for various things, eating issues included, and Asperger's Assessment but I am not seeing her now for over a week, and have not seen her for over a week. I was doing okay when I saw her last. Things seem to have badly deteriorated since my bf stopped contact with me without a word.0 -
Just any ideas on preventing the binge eating to begin, would be much appreciated.
Mindful eating doesn't seem to be proving successful.
And just to note, I was doing perfectly well... I didnt weigh, I didnt binge, I didnt purge, until last summer and had been okay for sometime. I thought I was mostly over these problems, and at 36, I really should be. 0 -
Don't be so hard on yourself. I have a 41 year old friend with an eating disorder that needs ongoing support to stay on track. These things are pretty insidious, so don't hesitate to ask for help when you need it.
I'm sure you know that purging can seriously affect your internal organs, mess up your electrolytes, and cause serious, long-term damage. I am sure your friends and family wouldn't want that for you, and you don't really want that for yourself.0 -
Don't be so hard on yourself. I have a 41 year old friend with an eating disorder that needs ongoing support to stay on track. These things are pretty insidious, so don't hesitate to ask for help when you need it.
I'm sure you know that purging can seriously affect your internal organs, mess up your electrolytes, and cause serious, long-term damage. I am sure your friends and family wouldn't want that for you, and you don't really want that for yourself.
No, I really want to stop, and am finding it so very hard to. I have never managed to just sit after eating that much, and get past the initial panic although I have been told to try it. I know the damage, but seem to forget it in the moment it is happening. I do drink electrolyte replacement drinks afterwards in hopes of making the damage less, when I have found myself unable to control it.0 -
The past few months I struggle with very similar episodes. I will be fine all week, then literally consume 5k-6k cals in one night (did this a few weeks ago). VERY similar to your binge, I also remember trying to purge afterwards (unsuccessfully)
My advice would be to try and fit more sweets and treats into your daily macros. I've been doing that lately and I seem to have as many urges so far. Please feel free to add me if you would like.0 -
Can you get your suppport system involved when you feel like you're about to engage in harmful behavior? Either in RL or here? I'm sure there are plenty of concerned folks here that would be willing to talk you through it.0
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I believe you must look at why you over ate. What kind of pain are you trying to stuff? Face the pain and say the heck with it! Love yourself first and those things that hurt you will not win. You are stronger, you are beautiful and you are worth having a healthy, beautiful body and then and only then, will you be able to love others. So I say face the music, look at it and then throw it out and move on. You can do this you can win and you can be all you are suppose to be.
I speak this to myself now on my journey.
I haven't loved myself for a long time and have hidden behind food to not feel pain.
I am facing the pab and moving forward until I have lost all the weight, all 230 lbs
Anita
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I don't know much about your situation, and I can't be much help. So here is a hug. :flowerforyou:0
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I know exactly where you are.and its HARD but heres some really good tips that helped me! ::
1) Identify the red flags: Try to predict when youre most susceptible to binges; write out how you feel before you binge (I strongly recommend doing that before//during//after binge exercise!). You need a road map so you know when to put your guard up. Mark a calendar to see if you can see any patterns on the days that you binge too (I noticed I binged once every 5 days like clockwork...thats why weekends are difficult for me!). Once you can anticipate them, you get more control over them and thats a big step toward learning to avoid them!
2) Binge gateway, Binge threshold, Full-fledged binge: I like to think of binges like this...eating a spoonful of peanut butter is like opening the gate to a binge for me. Usually my mind quickens and my heart races (adrenaline rush...funny but THAT is the reason why binges are so exhilarating and addicting) and then I eat more. A binge threshold is the point where I make the decision ~okay, the damage is done. might as well go ALL OUT AND EAT EVERYTHING!~ *its so important not to, stopping a binge at the threshold is SO much better than going full fledged* after that, its just pure self sabotage, eating to the point where i want to die, etc. Just remember this if you are mid-binge: stop because already you are doing SO much better than the next helping of food youre going to eat. AND alert us on mfp if you feel like youre about to binge....positive reinforcement from your friends will help you feel like youre not alone/isolated, which is a HUGE reason why i binge.
3) DISTRACT YOURSELF: color or design a mandala! i am a psych major and i learned how making a mandala helps those who deal with over-active or traumatizing thoughts. there is something really calming about coloring or making a repetitive pattern, it helps you think more rationally. so buy yourself a new box of crayola crayons (the kind with the sharpener built in the box haha) and print out a mandala every time you feel like binge eating and color it instead (http://www.coloringcastle.com/mandala_coloring_pages.html). it definitely helps calm my negative thoughts and i have tons of mandalas hanging around my room as little victories showing me every time i resisted binge eating. or go for a run! (usually i want to binge at night, which is why running isnt always an option for me haha).
4) JUST.KEEP.GOING.: if you mess up and have full-fledge binge, you arent a bad person, youre not going to turn to a tub of lard on the spot, and it doesnt mean that youre going to mess up your entire day/week/your life. people fall and scrape their knees but its important not to stay on the ground and pity yourself. EVERY time i have hated/berated myself after a binge, i go right back to the kitchen and have another binge because i feel like a pathetic waste. its SO important to NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP! brew some green tea, look at fit people on tumblr/pinterest, put on a sexy outfit and sexy makeup, remind yourself that you are STILL a beauty and envision a perfect rest of the day or perfect tomorrow. stay hopeful!
5) snacks are OKAY!! : if you notice i eat like five times a day...i NEED those little snacks in between because it helps me not overeat at my meals. also ive noticed that upping my cals has helped me control those binges. i understand that it might be scary for some people but its a lot less scary than hysterically eating an entire box of kashi granola bars with honey mustard sauce all over them hahaha (honestly i have the grossest binges).
hope that helps you!!0 -
I have never managed to just sit after eating that much, and get past the initial panic although I have been told to try it.
I couldn't either. Only way I was able to stop was to do something, occupy myself somehow, get up and be active right after I eat. Even if it's in the middle of the night. Anything that will take my mind off that panic and feeling of complete loss of control. I'm not in a place where I can really help you because I still struggle regularly, but I thought maybe that one tip could possibly help you. I wish you the best of luck!!! I honestly feel that we can do this.0 -
thank you skinnylove those tips are very helpful to me
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Can you get your suppport system involved when you feel like you're about to engage in harmful behavior? Either in RL or here? I'm sure there are plenty of concerned folks here that would be willing to talk you through it.
It happens mainly uk late evening and no one avaiable. I dont have many friends and none up so late. Quite isolated to be honest. Not got to know anyone on here yet so dont know who would have time or patience to support or listen. I dont like being a burden0 -
I believe you must look at why you over ate. What kind of pain are you trying to stuff? Face the pain and say the heck with it! Love yourself first and those things that hurt you will not win. You are stronger, you are beautiful and you are worth having a healthy, beautiful body and then and only then, will you be able to love others. So I say face the music, look at it and then throw it out and move on. You can do this you can win and you can be all you are suppose to be.
I speak this to myself now on my journey.
I haven't loved myself for a long time and have hidden behind food to not feel pain.
I am facing the pab and moving forward until I have lost all the weight, all 230 lbs
Anita
Thankyou so much for the lovely words. Guessing my food issues go back to childhood sexual abuse and a mother who aleays expected me to be good at all i did and to not get too emotional. And yes, i mostly hate myself and find it hard to see much worth.0 -
This is what they call emotional eating and I feel for you too, I've been through break up. Had the most painful divorce ever and my sons suffered as well, from a father who abandoned and then rejected them. I did not have a harsh childhood though, would counselling help? Break ups are extremely hard and painful. I hope you find some sort of peace within yourself and most importantly, self worth. As a woman, please KNOW your worth.0
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You are not alone, but if you keep trying you are winning:)0
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I have BIG issues with sugar and i allow a chocolate fudge protien bar (140 cal) everyday into my diet. When i get the urge to binge i have that. It has f- all sugar but does the trick. When on my cycle I make room for an extra bar. This has worked wonders, I swear by it, and trust me, you wont be able to binge eat protien bars cause they are too expensive and they satisfy instantly. apples are great fillers too. I beleive if you have a sugar craving and dont feel like fruit, you are not really hungry, its all in your mind 0
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Skinnylove, thankyou so much for the tips. It is a relief to not feel so alone in this although o mbviously i would not wish it on anyone else. I used to love colouring and cross stitch so i shall try those again. Having snacks at home is not an option thkugh as i end up eating it all. Maybe one day that will change and i will be able to have just one item and not the whole bkx or packet.0
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I have done this a few times...had years of issues with food restriction and hating my body.
I'm just starting to figure out that it may also stem from past abuse and the way I think about myself resulting from that.
SkinnyLove is right and I've experienced this myself through trial and error - even stopping partway through a binge is better than nothing.
Even if you took one less bite than you took last time, it's a victory...
And if you don't, like others have said, don't beat yourself up either.
Tomorrow is a new day.0 -
I have BIG issues with sugar and i allow a chocolate fudge protien bar (140 cal) everyday into my diet. When i get the urge to binge i have that. It has f- all sugar but does the trick. When on my cycle I make room for an extra bar. This has worked wonders, I swear by it, and trust me, you wont be able to binge eat protien bars cause they are too expensive and they satisfy instantly. apples are great fillers too. I beleive if you have a sugar craving and dont feel like fruit, you are not really hungry, its all in your mind
I will check my local health food store for these tomorrow. Thanks.0 -
Lots of good advice on here already, but I just wanted to encourage you. From what you've said, you are under a lot of emotional stress and dealing with some big shifts in your life - BF disappearing on you, Asperger's assessment, etc. Therapy can also be really hard, even though it's worth the effort, it's still effort.
So, I'd say don't panic - you are not doomed to do this forever. Do talk to your therapist and your doctor; they should be able to support your medical and emotional needs without judging you. And know that you are not alone in this - even though this is a virtual community, it's still a community and lots of us struggle with eating compulsion and the self hatred that goes along with it. Log what you can and do better starting now. You can do it, but you have to be patient with yourself. Forgive yourself for the binge.0 -
I am seeing a psychologist for various things, eating issues included, and Asperger's Assessment but I am not seeing her now for over a week, and have not seen her for over a week. I was doing okay when I saw her last. Things seem to have badly deteriorated since my bf stopped contact with me without a word.
I am so sorry. Mine did the same thing in January and it was very rough for a while, today was a quite bad eating day for me because of thoughts/emotions.
If there's anything you like doing that occupies your hands and mind, it can help sllowww dowwwn the eating ... I end up playing way too many computer games when I can't sleep at night but I figure that that is better than stuffing myself with food to drown it ... the games force my thoughts into a different pattern. I also spend a lot of sleepless time posting on message boards because again it forces my thoughts out of the "rut".0 -
I am seeing a psychologist for various things, eating issues included, and Asperger's Assessment but I am not seeing her now for over a week, and have not seen her for over a week. I was doing okay when I saw her last. Things seem to have badly deteriorated since my bf stopped contact with me without a word.
I am so sorry. Mine did the same thing in January and it was very rough for a while, today was a quite bad eating day for me because of thoughts/emotions.
If there's anything you like doing that occupies your hands and mind, it can help sllowww dowwwn the eating ... I end up playing way too many computer games when I can't sleep at night but I figure that that is better than stuffing myself with food to drown it ... the games force my thoughts into a different pattern. I also spend a lot of sleepless time posting on message boards because again it forces my thoughts out of the "rut".
I have found that the binge eating is worse when I have taken my sleeping pill, I am on temazepam. I tend to sit up on my laptop until the sleepiness kicks in, and suddenly it is as if this monster takes over and I lose all ability to rein it in. I keep telling myself, to go to bed as soon as I take it, but not sure that will help. I did notice it was easier when I cut the dosage. I did sometimes binge or certainly stuff down a lot of sugary, unhealthy things in the daytime, but not to a degree I felt really uncomfortable.
I admit, I need to find a hobby again, I think my bf filled so much of my evening and thoughts, probably the Aspergers in me, and I am struggling to get into an interest again. I used to totally absorb myself in Second Life, but after years there, I tend to now just login and leave her sitting there, lol. I have embroidery here, and card making kits, I just need to drag myself off my laptop and get doing them. I also have a camera again finally, my ex popped over and lent me a really nice camera, as that used to be a major outlet for me, so that should help me once I start shooting again.
I have had many evenings I did fine. I have had years when apart from some over exercising, I was healthy and fine and not obsessed with my weight anymore. In fact, I was happy at 140Ibs for sometime and didn't even know I was that weight, but meeting my bf , who is very skinny, seemed to trigger me off, especially as he would come round for dinner and cook himself up things like a whole cauliflower with a bit of cheese, or a load of marrow, and say it was loads... all water. He dropped 14 Ibs and was down to the same weight as me and being a former anorexic with all the stupid thoughts that go with that, I decided I had to be a stone lighter than him, and started getting obsessed again.
Now I am finding myself unable to get back to that comfortable, don't care about the scales place I was at.
But I am sure I will get there. I eat very healthy food when I don't binge, and I know about balanced meals and nutrition a fair amount, I just really need to work out some sort of a way to deal with my tendency to want sweet things so much. I don't want to be extreme and cut chocolate and such things out of my diet altogether, but beginning to think that might be my only way ?
Thanks all again for your kind replies, I was a bit nervous posting about this.
You are great people.0 -
I'm super health-conscious and I have a strict schedule of healthy eating/exercise. (I'm in remission for anorexia but I wouldn't say I'm cured.)
Anyway, this weekend was a total out-of-the-ordinary binge. The thing is, I don't feel ridiculously gross. I plan to detox starting Monday (not by starving myself, but just trying to get all the $h!t I ate out of my body.)
I've never purged, but by golly, there are times when I really want to. I just can never bring myself to do that.
Chalk it up to losing self-control. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it, but it would definitely, definitely be in your (and my) best interest to see an eating-disorder specialist about this.
I hope this helps.0 -
I doubt it will help. This discussion is from April and the OP has left MFP.0
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Just keep hanging in there until you can get to the doctor and be very honest about the problem. I don't know about even thinking of it as a loss of self-control IF that is going to cause you to really feel bad about yourself. I don't think you should blame yourself. I think you need to get tools in place to help you control this, and I am assuming that those things are not in place for you. I guess I am saying do the best you can and get help for yourself as soon as possible.0
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I'm super health-conscious and I have a strict schedule of healthy eating/exercise. (I'm in remission for anorexia but I wouldn't say I'm cured.)
Anyway, this weekend was a total out-of-the-ordinary binge. The thing is, I don't feel ridiculously gross. I plan to detox starting Monday (not by starving myself, but just trying to get all the $h!t I ate out of my body.)
I've never purged, but by golly, there are times when I really want to. I just can never bring myself to do that.
Chalk it up to losing self-control. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it, but it would definitely, definitely be in your (and my) best interest to see an eating-disorder specialist about this.
I hope this helps.
Yeah, we all do that...by pooping.
And you're responding to a thread that's over 2 years old.0
This discussion has been closed.
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