My boyfriend's divorce...

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emelish
emelish Posts: 8
in Chit-Chat
Ok, before you judge from the subject line:

My boyfriend and I have known each other for quite a few years. We were good friends during that time. Several months ago, he separated from his wife. I am recently divorced myself. We did not have an affair.

During the time we were friends, I knew that he had problems in his marriage. 3 years ago, he discovered her affair. They went through 2 years of various forms of marriage counseling. He blamed himself a lot for their problems (maybe he could have worked less, done more, etc). In the end, they couldn't work through the problems. They have 3 kids (ages 8, 12, and 16).

After their split, we became closer, and naturally seemed to have fallen into an exclusive and serious relationship. If I were honest, I believe we always had some chemistry, but never pursued anything because we were both married and didn't want to cross boundaries.

I don't have kids... and my divorce was very clean. He was married for 15 years, mine was 6 years. I kept financial details of my life separate from my ex - his is very intermingled. My ex and I each earned comfortable salaries - his wife was a stay at home mom. So, obviously there are some messy details... alimony, child support, etc.

I am proceeding with caution... but I can't help but feel like I've finally found that perfect person - with a catch. Doesn't life always work out that way?? He has had a lot of time and counseling to process his divorce. In fact, he and his ex are amicable and focused the last few months they were in counseling on how to be co-parents and end the marriage on the best terms possible.

It's still a bit awkward. I imagine sometime in the next several months, I will meet the kids. He wants all 3 adults to meet prior to clear the air and discuss expectations in our new roles, which I am open to. I don't have a lot of experience with kids... I don't have a lot of experience with ex-wives. She knows about me, and told him she was happy for him... as long as our relationship supported and complimented the one he has with the kids.

Any advice? I feel like I needed to get all of this out there to vent. Anyone ever been in a similar situation?

Replies

  • delilah47
    delilah47 Posts: 1,658
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    I believe you should really think about all aspects of the new relationship. Believe me, you will come to resent alimony and/or child support which will have to be paid and it will be a lot if his ex was a stay at home mom. You will also become #2 when it comes to his kids. Maybe you can handle it. If there are any doubts in your mind, hold off for a while. Of course, I know if you are in love you don't want to think about reality and you may have to learn the hard way. On the other hand, sometimes relationships like this can work.. with a lot of effort from both parties. Good luck :smile:

    Edit: I could have sworn you had a profile photo up there when I hit the "Reply" button.

    Oh, been there, done that, didn't work.
  • kayl3igh88
    kayl3igh88 Posts: 428 Member
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    It sounds like, given how bad the situation COULD be, it's going great - I know that when I split up with my son's father it was, and still is, nowhere near as amicable as theirs. Just keep it steady, you are doing your part just fine, hope this helps a little :smile:
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    You were friends for years, but you never met his wife or kids?

    Sorry. I know that's not what you're asking, but that's very odd to me.

    Anyway, just relax and be open and welcoming. You don't have to be the kids' mom. More like a fun aunt. Make sure they know they're always welcome in their father's life and home and you'll be fine.
  • meg7399
    meg7399 Posts: 672 Member
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    My BF was never married but does have a kid with his ex GF. The 3 adults all met prior to me meeting the daughter. I felt weird by this but it really showed maturity on both of the parents. Now I live with her and she respects me as an adult in her life. The mom and I are not friends but we get along. The BF and I are still great with mutual goals for his daughter. The BF and his ex have 50/50 custody by choice (never went to court) and it works out great. I can't speak to anything else, but I feel that things are on the right track as far as building the relationship involving kids. I never had my own, but I am a teacher so I wasn't totally blindsided by raising a child.
  • emelish
    emelish Posts: 8
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    I do feel like a selfish brat when I get stressed about being #2. It seems like many women in my situation find themselves feeling like that a little bit though. Have a I though to myself "Wow... weekend with your kids AGAIN?!" Of course. But, obviously, in my logical mind, it makes me happy to know I am with someone who has such a positive relationship and commitment to his kids. Not all dads in this situation are. Plus, I think as I develop a relationship with them, I will appreciate the times I can be included in things. That all comes with time I suppose...

    I think I know that this whole thing could be overwhelming, stressful, and end in heartbreak. So, why do we even take the risk? I guess it IS that L-word.
  • emelish
    emelish Posts: 8
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    Yes, I did meet his wife. Many times. Never his kids though.
  • mixedfeelings
    mixedfeelings Posts: 904 Member
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    Hello there! Yes!

    My boyfriend is my best friend of years, we've known each other for over a decade. We got together shortly after I had split with my boyfriend, and he had left his wife. Everyone jumped to conclusions because of course they wanted to, his wife always had to blame everyone else for her stupid mistakes and laziness so this was perfect for her.

    My advice would be to take a step back and go slowly. I do regret rushing in to it and most of it was because people presumed we were. I think I would like to have been free and single for a while as now it's quite confusing, the feelings I have are somewhat the same as how I felt before we actually started going out which makes it hard to see in my head how I feel about him romantically.

    So take it slow but be there for him as a friend but give yourself time to have your own space.
  • trish1960
    trish1960 Posts: 39
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    My husband was married when I met him. We were friends for a long time. I remember telling him that he had a beautiful smile but he needed to figure out why he never used it. As time went on, he said he loved me. I told him, you can't because you are married. I sent him away and told him that I was not a home wrecker and that he could call me when he figured his life/marriage out. Several months passed without speaking to him or seeing him and then one day he called and told me he was getting a divorce. I was sad that his marriage of 10 years was dissolving but I was also happy that we could eventually be together. He called me after his divorce was final and we started dating. We have been together for 18 years and we are both very happy and very in love. He is my soul mate. I do not condone divorce but I am so happy that his twisted roads brought him to me.
  • sexyrosey
    sexyrosey Posts: 137
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    I said i would never date anyone with kids. I have a son and i have done it on my own no help from his father at all! I ended up meeting a really nice guy he was with someone else who basically just used people for what she wanted. I would always think that sucks here i am a nice girl and people like that find an awesome guy wtf?? They ended up breaking up i talked to him every day for 8 months before they broke up so after we were just fb friends. I thought for the first time in my life wow i might really like him. I decided to throw my no kids rule out of the window and i'm happy i did. His kids are awesome i have stayed away from his ex-wife just because i didn't want to have her hate me for no reason just because of his last gf. I knew if his ex-wife hated me so would the kids and I did not want that to happen. If the kids didn't like me that was ne thing but i ddin't want them to hate me just because. It took time and we would go out, and slowly we brought the kids in. I am happy that now if we don't have us all together it's weird but really take the time to build relationships with the kids slowly. They are hurt by the divorcee i'm sure and they need time too, but if done right things will just fall into place...Good luck and best wishes for all involved.
  • Dremak1
    Dremak1 Posts: 18
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    I never had any children of my own however my husband has two from a previous marriage. I love them as they were my own. My husbands Ex-wife and I have a very good relationship at the moment but it has not always been so. I speak to her more than my husband does most of the time. DO not get jealous when he has to speak with her about the children - sometimes they are going to have long conversations - they may have to meet to discuss things - DO NOT GET JEALOUS - raising kids is not easy and requires alot of communication.

    I have a GREAT relationship with both my children.

    If the children still live with thier mother then you will always have to plan around her schedule as well as your own for vacations and visitation etc..... BE FLEXIBLE - otherwise there is going to be tension and frustration. KNOW FOR SURE - your husband / boyfriends first obligation is to his children. You may not like it and you WILL get jealous about it from time to time - however - he had them first and he has a financial obligation to them but also more importantly a FATHERS obligation to them. Step back and be supportive even when you dont feel like it. Treat the kids as though they are yours - speak highly of them, be supportive of them and DO NOT be derrogatory when you speak to your boyfriend / husband about them. If you do - it will only affect his feelings toward you - not the kids.

    Be patient about getting to know the kids and getting them to accept you. It takes time. Somedays you will think - this is great they love me...the next time you are with them they may not be so accepting of you. It is a process of building trust and affection, it does not happen over night and it may never happen - depends on the kid - depends on the circumstance. Stay positive, stay patient.

    There will be days when you are angry about the kids taking time away from your relationship, there will be times when you get frustrated about the child support, there will be jealousy, there may be days you dont get along with the ex.......Suck it up - get over it and move on. Do not dwell on the negative.

    My son and his mother did not get along very well for the past few years so both my husband and I would get phone calls at all hours from a frustrated and angry mother and a frustrated and angry son - somtimes we had to speak to the other dad just to make sense of what was goin on - My husband had to make a few emergency unexpected trips - it is all part of it.

    It is not always easy, it is not always fun but in the end if you keep your attitude where it should be, the journey can be very rewarding. I have been doing this for over 10 years now. My oldest son (and no I do not call him my STEP son - we ALL agreed early on that we would not use that word) is 18 and has lived with us for the past year - that too has been a challenge but we work through it everyday.

    Good Luck!!!!
  • determinedbutlazy
    determinedbutlazy Posts: 1,941 Member
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    My ex boyfriend (from about 7 years ago) and his wife have been separated for a year now, the divorce comes final in July... Only then do I get to call him "my" boyfriend again, I'm eternally grateful for this second chance and I love him so much.
    Only you two can know what's right. Remember to give him space and don't pressure him, but make sure you're both on the same page with where you are emotionally so you don't get hurt.
    Be honest and clear with your feelings.
  • tbarnes37236
    tbarnes37236 Posts: 5 Member
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    I just went through this, he just wasn't married though, but the ex gf has given me ****ing hell, but we won full custody of their son... now she tries to make my life even more miserable!

    I on the other hand was not divorced when we met but separated from mine. My immature ex husband has been so great compared to her. All I know is when there is another child involved it is so hard!

    GO SLOWWW

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