I am beyond pissed.

femmi1120
femmi1120 Posts: 473 Member
in Chit-Chat
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and have never even come close to cheating on him.

Yesterday, I went to work out with a male friend of mine who lost over 100 lbs, and is my biggest inspiration in terms of weight loss and fitness. This friend also happens to be my ex from many years ago. It was a silly high school relationship that only lasted about 6 months... And while my ex is currently single, I know his feelings toward me are fully platonic, and even if they weren't he would never make a move knowing I'm taken, or even if I was single for that matter - he's incredibly shy.

I talked to my boyfriend about it first to make sure he was ok with it and told him I would not go if he wasn't. He was fine - my boyfriend is not the jealous type.

But when I brought it up to my parents when they asked who I was going with, it was like the freaking Spanish inquisition. Why are you going with him? Is everything ok with my boyfriend and me?

And on and on until it got to the point where they started asking "how would you feel if your boyfriend went out with an ex?"
I told them he doesn't have one.

Then my dad says " what if he hired a hooker to go work out with?"

They claim to be just joking and giving me a hard time, but it sounds to me like they're implying that I'm cheating and I'm suddenly feeling guilty when I've done nothing wrong...

So my question is this. How do I tell my parents that my relationship is between my boyfriend and I and ask them to please **** off without coming across as defensive? I'm afraid to show how angry and upset I am because I feel like they'll just think it's "evidence" that I'm guilty...

Really bad at hiding my emotions though and I don't know how long they plan on keeping this up... Eventually I'm just going to snap.
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Replies

  • boomboom011
    boomboom011 Posts: 1,459
    read the book boundaries.
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,307 Member
    They are your parents,love them and respect them for their work raising you but be your own person and let your life be your own.
  • HelloSweetie4
    HelloSweetie4 Posts: 1,214 Member
    This is tough. I was in a similar situation before. My husband had lost contact with a friend from high school and then she started working for the same company so they got in touch again. She hung out with us a few times with my parents and they were worried that she was going to "take him away from me." Even though my husband has no interest in her as more than friends. I was honest with them. I told them that I know for sure there is no romantic feelings between the two of them and they should have more faith in my husband than that. My parents know my husband better than his own parents to. Once I made them realize they were worried for nothing, the issue went away.

    It sounds terrible, but if you need to put your parents in their place then do it. They need to understand that they do not have a role in your personal relationships. Parents like to try to hold on to their supervisory role as long as possible. It means they care but they need to be aware of where they are being over-protective or just plain silly. You are an adult and they shouldn't judge you by who your are spending time with. As long as you and your husband know that your relationship is sacred and niether of you would do anything to disrupt it, they have no place to say anything.
  • Mom0fTwo
    Mom0fTwo Posts: 326 Member
    you are working out with him not going to the movies and having fancy dinners, your parents are mental. I still see a few of my exes from time to time and my husband doesn't care either, what you are doing has nothing to do with your parents, you should be allowed to have male friends, dont worry so much :)
  • Ryan_Bullock
    Ryan_Bullock Posts: 14
    read the book boundaries.





    ^^^^^ This ^^^^^^
  • bluefox9er
    bluefox9er Posts: 2,917 Member
    sorry..im with your folks on this one.
  • catlady76
    catlady76 Posts: 5 Member
    you know what? i actually get along REALLY well if not better with my exhusband after we divorced and my new husband and him have even done things together and we can go to family functions together and everything. everyone looks at me like thats so weird and what's wrong with me? i say, im a lucky girl! to have a mature ex husband and husband? great for the kids to not have the fighting? yea, whats wrong with you??? this is great! i dont care what they think. in fact, i love it when they think its weird because if it works for us, that's their problem. not mine. hang in there. you aren't doing anything wrong. as long as your bf dont care, its all good.
  • KathieSwenson
    KathieSwenson Posts: 179
    sorry..im with your folks on this one.

    WHY? Please explain why. THis doesnt help her at all if you dont explain your reasoning behind it all.
  • Pohudet
    Pohudet Posts: 179 Member
    Why do you even need to tell your parents whom you are working out with? I assume you are an adult, that you are not living with them, and that they are not paying your bills. They have their own prejudices, the views of their generation of what is good and what is not. You will not change them. Just be nice to them and love them. Dont tell them things which you know they will not understand.
  • Vi0l33t
    Vi0l33t Posts: 117 Member
    It's hard for anyone to justify their actions to a person who is convinced of your guilt.
    Take a step back, get calm and let your parents know after your calm, that you're an individual who can take care of your relationships with other people in a healthy and peaceful manner. You don't have to shout that it's none of their business to get your point across.
    If your BF, yourself and this ex now friend of yours aren't worried about it, don't let your parents convince you or your BF to be.
  • jsapninz
    jsapninz Posts: 909 Member
    When you are in a relationship, you do have to be careful about one on one time with the opposite sex spent; however, every couple has to make those decisions for themselves.

    Bottom line is, EVEN IF YOU WERE (which I doubt) doing something inappropriate, it is NONE of your PARENT'S business. If I were you I would tell them bluntly: "I appreciate your concern, but I am an adult now and when I tell you about my private life it is not to garner advice from you, please keep your opinions to yourselves unless I specifically ASK for them."

    I'm sure their excuse is going to be "but we are your parents and we worry about you" but it doesn't matter, they need to keep these concerns to THEMSELVES unless you ask because it ISN'T THERE PLACE ANYMORE.

    If they don't back the hell off, I would stop telling them about my relationship life in the future. It sucks but that is the way it is.

    On another note: It probably bothers you so much because you feel a bit guilty about it. I don't know if that guilt is justified based on what you did, but you should consider it before going to work out with him again.
  • KathieSwenson
    KathieSwenson Posts: 179
    I have mixed feelings about it. First of all it could be that my hubby and I work out together when we can. since he is on rotating shifts it's hard to work out together sometimes but that being said I know the feelings that pop up between me and him when we are working out together. (there is just something about seeing him work them muscles) okay, SO I would not be comfortable with my hubby going and working out with a hot girl, ex, that I knew at one time they were together.

    This is where i get the mixed feeling from. You said that he approved that y'all talked about it and he was okay with it. That is amazing and I believe that if he had problems with it and he told you he did and you still went then you would be in fault of whatever you feel like you were being accused of. HOWEVER, he agreed to this and as long as you and your BF agree then you shouldn't let anyone else try to persuade you otherwise. Now if he had come up later and said you know I wanted you to work out so I just said that but I really am not comfortable with this then you should respect that and stop working out with your buddy/ex.

    I believe that your relationship includes you, your BF, and God and if you are trully just working out and then you shouldn't worry with what your parents are saying.
  • scapez
    scapez Posts: 2,018 Member
    I agree with most everyone here in that it's your business - it's not your parents' place to comment in a way that makes you feel bad. If they can't understand that, then it's better to keep certain things to yourself moving forward.

    Also agree with the poster who suggested Boundaries...it's a great book!

    Good luck!
  • coachblt
    coachblt Posts: 1,090
    You asked for it when you told them. If you didn't like their response, you shouldn't have said a word.

    My question is simple: Why do you feel the need to say anything to them, justifying your decision? You've told them, they don't approve and there's nothing wrong with that. They raised you well enough for you to make your own decisions.

    Just let it be and it will eventually die.
  • femmi1120
    femmi1120 Posts: 473 Member
    I only told them because I truly didn't think it was a big deal and I figured they'd make some sort of comment, but I never imagined they'd take it as far as comparing it to going out with a freaking prostitute.... And I'd love to have a conversation with them about please staying out of it, but they're making it difficult by playing the "we're just messing around" card. It's almost like they're baiting me into getting upset so they can say "why are you getting so upset? Are you feeling guilty about something?"
  • LishaCole
    LishaCole Posts: 245
    If you have nothing to feel guilty about then don't let them get you all worked up. I can see how it can be offensive to have your parents treat you that way. My parents are teasing/sarcastic/offensive by nature (and I love them for it), however sometimes they find a joke (or a button to push) and they just can't let it go. They are having too much fun, or they think that they are being witty. So, I always find the best tactic is to pretend it doesn't bother you, act unamused, and do what you want. You don't have to justify your actions to them if you have already respectfully noted and considered their concern.

    I would suggest that you ensure that your spouse is aware that he is still more than welcome to come and work out with you, and that you encourage him to do so. This ensures that no doubt festers in his mind about you sharing something "special/important to you" with another guy.
  • TitanGM
    TitanGM Posts: 1,161 Member
    Your dad is a wise man, that's all I got to say!!
  • femmi1120
    femmi1120 Posts: 473 Member
    I've invited my boyfriend to workout with me on several occasions but he's busy and things seem to come up a lot, sometimes legitimate, other times, not so much. I don't have many friends who enjoy working out, and mainly, I really just wanted help with weight training which my ex knows a lot about.

    He also goes to school 3 hours away, so it's not like I'd make it a habit any way. He's just a huge inspiration so it'd be nice to be able to get some pointers from him every once in a while. And my boyfriend knows he's welcome to join us any time.

    I just hate that so many people think it's inappropriate to be friends with an ex. I don't see the big deal. My current boyfriend is my best friend in the world and even if we broke up, I would never give him up as a friend and he feels the same.
  • BeautifulRedButterfly
    BeautifulRedButterfly Posts: 316 Member
    sorry..im with your folks on this one.

    How? i see no harm in her working out with an ex. Its not like theyre going out to the movies and going to fancy, expensive restaurants like you would with you SO..
  • angieleighbyrd
    angieleighbyrd Posts: 989 Member
    I have issues with my mother not knowing when to shut up. For whatever reason she feels that she can parent my kids and go against anything I say. She also thinks my husband is the devil even though he's amazing. I've learned just to tell her to stfu. If she can't follow my rules with my kids, she doesn't need to see them, if she can't respect my husband well she doesn't need to see either of us. She's backed up a little since she realized I won't put up with it.
  • BeautifulRedButterfly
    BeautifulRedButterfly Posts: 316 Member
    I agree with most everyone here in that it's your business - it's not your parents' place to comment in a way that makes you feel bad. If they can't understand that, then it's better to keep certain things to yourself moving forward.

    Also agree with the poster who suggested Boundaries...it's a great book!

    Good luck!

    I agree as well! (:
  • femmi1120
    femmi1120 Posts: 473 Member
    I agree with most everyone here in that it's your business - it's not your parents' place to comment in a way that makes you feel bad. If they can't understand that, then it's better to keep certain things to yourself moving forward.

    Also agree with the poster who suggested Boundaries...it's a great book!

    Good luck!

    I agree as well! (:

    Seems like a lot of people do, what is it about? Boundaries with other people in general or is it specific to relationships with parents?
  • bluefox9er
    bluefox9er Posts: 2,917 Member
    sorry..im with your folks on this one.

    WHY? Please explain why. THis doesnt help her at all if you dont explain your reasoning behind it all.


    why?? because her parents clearly have HER interests at heart, thats why.
  • Leiki
    Leiki Posts: 526 Member
    My parents told my brother they didn't need help moving. Then, when my brother didn't offer to help, they got mad.

    This is the world we live in. Even if people did expect something, they may not express it. Something sour can come of something innocent. Is working out with your ex worth a risk on your relationship?

    Your parents may not know you and your bf as well as you do, but they do have many years of experiences on you, as well as a more objective perspective on what may be going on. Maybe if they see a potential problem, you should take a step back, and see if there is any merit to it.

    I'm sure, however, this is no reason to get pissed. At most, your parents are concerned and telling you their concerns. They mean well, not ill, by it. Therefore, take it as you would advice from anyone else. Choose for yourself whether or not it is something you should listen to.
  • DMZ_1
    DMZ_1 Posts: 2,889 Member
    Your boyfriend was ok with it, isn't that the more relevant issue?
  • wingsandgills
    wingsandgills Posts: 48 Member
    If you want them to butt out, I think you should go about it by actually expressing your emotions. You don't have to act angry, but list the emotions you feel. "I love my boyfriend dearly, and it hurts me a lot when someone implies that I might be betraying him. He has already said it was okay with him, and to be distrusted by my own parents makes me feel angry and alone." Etc etc.

    I have found the best thing to do in a situation where you don't want people to ignore what you say out of defensiveness it to NEVER use the word "you." Things like "When you said..." and "Whenever you do..." immediately makes people defensive and closes their minds. If you have to refer to them, say "My parents." This also gets the implied message across that they are your parents, and as such should be supportive and kind, not belittling and accusative.

    If you try to express your feelings to them and they simply don't care, then I'm afraid you'll have to find a way to let it go. Keep doing what you want to do. When they see that you are happy and your boyfriend is happy and no one is getting hurt or cheated on or betrayed, that will be your evidence. They can't stop you from being yourself and doing what makes you happy. Don't let them ruin it for you by holding onto the things they say--let them go and focus on your goals and your happiness!
  • femmi1120
    femmi1120 Posts: 473 Member
    Just wanted to take a sec to thank everone for the advice. I went for a run so feel loads better and they went about their business and seem to have cut it out for now. Hopefully they'll leave it be, otherwise I guess I'll just have to try to explain to them that it really isn't amusing... like at all.

    Also talked to the bf and decided that it would be better for everyone if he just came along next time.
  • birdieintx
    birdieintx Posts: 298
    One of the more difficult things about being a young adult is learning to set boundaries with your parents and walk the line between asking their advice (or getting it unsolicited) and knowing when to take it and when to make your own choices.

    So your parents had a problem with it. Who cares? You and your boyfriend do not, you're the only people whose opinions matter in this story. Your response to your parents should have been, "thanks for your opinion I'll keep that in mind," before you laughed it off and went on your merry way.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
    Your parents grew up in a different culture, one where most likely exes didn't stay friends. You could always say if you haven't "_______ is fine with it, he trusts me and he knows that me and (insert friend's name) are just friends." Your parents probably don't want you to get hurt so they're trying to prevent something from happening.
  • MFPAddict
    MFPAddict Posts: 2,069 Member
    Tell them that you and your boyfriend have an open relationship and both enjoy sex with other people. Mention that sometimes you both bring your dates home to share.

    If they survive this news without a trip to the ER, tell them it is a belated April Fools and going forward mind their own business.

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