A job offer

Welcome. Nice to meet you, please have a seat.

Well, I suppose you will want to know about the position we are offering. First of all you must understand that this is a part-time job. If you have a full-time job, you will need to fit this one into your schedule. However, even though this is not your primary employment, we still expect you to commit to the job, show up daily, and perform all required tasks to completion.

Can you show up for work every day? Can you keep a schedule? One nice aspect of this position is that you will basically be setting your own schedule. You will need to keep to it, though. No slacking off around here! When you’re on the job, we expect dedication – you’ll need to stay on task. And remember, I said every day! That includes weekends and holidays, though you are free to do your other fun things on those days as well.

Now, the position we are offering is fairly straightforward. You will need to perform some basic accounting tasks, keep to a budget, and be able to perform some simple calculations. Do you have any computer experience? Can you log into a web page or make use of a smart phone app? That’s good – you will be able to accomplish a good deal on this job with those skills. Generally, you will be expected to perform these computing and accounting tasks three or so times each day. None of the math is really complicated, and we have calculators that can make all of these recording very easy. Each time you do these tasks, it should take only a few minutes. Some people find this aspect of the job tedious but I want to warn you that this is probably the most important aspect of the job. We expect your accounting to be prompt, accurate, and within budget – otherwise your pay will be docked and your career with us will probably be cut short.

Here: take this book. It has most of the data you will need to do your job. This information is also available in our web database. You are not required to memorize any of this, but over time you probably get to know most of it by rote. How good are you at learning some new things, especially new habits? We do offer on-the-job training, and it is self-paced. You can ask any questions you want at any time. You’ll find that most of your co-workers will be very helpful. If you are open to learning, you will be very productive at this job and your remuneration will be increased accordingly.

This position sometimes also entails some manual labor. While this is not strictly necessary it can help accomplish your career goals more rapidly. Can you lift some heavy objects? Can you walk, or sometimes even run? Can you bend your knees and stand up repeatedly? You may have trouble doing some of these physical tasks right away but over time we expect you to do more of them, and more frequently.

Now, do you have any questions? Ah, yes, of course… basically you are paid every week or so, and the amount of your pay will depend on your consistency to accomplishing the required tasks. If you consistently keep account and stay within your budget, you will be paid more. We recommend that you come to the office once every week for your paycheck. Actually we need to warn you that some weeks you will not be paid at all, even though you have done everything that has been required. This is because there are sometimes extenuating circumstances that prevent payment (and we will work with you to figure out how to resolve any persistent issues like this). However, over time we guarantee that you will be paid in full for all your work. Nevertheless, if you are not accounting consistently and are frequently over your budget you will not receive much pay at all. In fact we may need to ask you to pay back some of what you have been paid. Sorry, but that’s our rule.

What’s that you asked about? Benefits? I’m glad you mentioned it! We offer an extensive suite of health benefits, actually rated top in the industry. (We have a “cafeteria style” selection). Here – please look over this brochure when you have the time. It shows many employees from different walks of life that have received benefit from our health plan. It follows the same model as your pay – your consistency to the work determines the level of health benefits you are entitled to. Please read about the Bronze, Silver, and Gold levels in the brochure. Most of the employees at the higher levels are willing to share their experiences with you. We recommend getting a physical the first day on the job. Also, get some photos of yourself – we’d like to add your picture to the brochure.

Any other questions? Well, vacation days are a bit tricky. Of course this is a part time position, but as I said you should come to work and come in under budget every day. We operate like most companies, though – you start off with none or little allowed vacation, and vacation days accrue as you reach higher levels of seniority. We have a lot of employees who find the work very engaging and rarely if ever take vacations. This may seem strange to you at first, but over time you may find yourself feeling the same way. We have a sick leave policy also, but if you abuse it you will not be able to collect your pay or benefits.

Oh, one more thing: you’ll need to supply your own clothes for the job. You’ll probably find that this job tends to wear out your clothes rather quickly… in fact our most successful employees generally need to get a new wardrobe every few months.

Anything else? No? Well, let me say that I like how you’re responded in this interview. I think you have what it takes to be successful in this career. You seem like a dedicated worker who will get the job done. I would like to offer you this job right now.

When can you start? The sooner the better!