How to deal with an unsupportive boyfriend?

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SinkTheBismarck
SinkTheBismarck Posts: 133
in Motivation and Support
Hey guys,
I've been with him for 3 years, and he has seen my lowest and my highest weight. He never seemed to care about me being overweight, he actually complimented me a lot, but since I started dieting and exercising he isn't the same.
He is very fit and goes to the gym 5 times a week. Since I started doing the same (but in a different gym) he acts cold torwards me. When I say I've started a new set, he doesn't seem to be happy for me at all. When I say I dropped some lbs, he says "oh, nice" but doesn't really react with any sort of honest happinness for my achievements. Sometimes he's acting normal and loving, but at the mention of "exercising" he turns into another person. I don't know what's happening, and it's confusing me a lot :frown:

I tried talking to him about it this morning and he just got defensive and said he didn't do it. I asked him if anything I was doing was making him insecure, he said I should just do what I want to do. :indifferent:

Has anyone been through a similar experience?
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Replies

  • Lolli1986
    Lolli1986 Posts: 500 Member
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    :( that sounds very confusing. i haven't been in that situation. i once had a boyfriend who would react that way if i skipped a workout to make sure i fit in with his schedule... he was just being paranoid that i might form a habit that would result in a body he didn't like. *sigh*

    how did the conversation go down when you asked him about it this morning? what did he say?

    there are ten million possibilities, so there is no point speculating. just got to figure out a way to bring it up so that he will engage in the conversation.
  • warmachinejt
    warmachinejt Posts: 2,167 Member
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    maybe he's got something going on with a girl in the gym? this is my only logical explanation
    n i know you said you go to different gyms so it's weird.
  • Losing2Live69
    Losing2Live69 Posts: 743 Member
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    The first thing that popped into my head is that as you lose weight and get in shape that the eyes of more guys would probably be looking at you and for this he is jealous.
  • xASHYxSMASHYx
    xASHYxSMASHYx Posts: 175 Member
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    I have seen this a few times in my friends partners, and my own husband. I think they start to get a little worried that once you ditch the weight and starting getting all this attention from other guys, that you might want to ditch him too. It's just an insecurity thing, like they aren't sure of your motives for doing it.
    I would just reassure him that you love him and hopefully he will get over it soon enough when he realizes everything is the same.
  • misslissa121
    misslissa121 Posts: 126
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    Sounds like he is afraid you are going to get fit, more attractive, and then you are going to run off with some other guy. No guy is going to admit to being insecure. I would just let it go and continue working on you. He will come around and realize you aren't going anywhere. Be aware though of the signs of abuse, is he being overly possesive of you, does he put you down. If you can't work though this problem, how do you work though more serious problems.
  • SueGremlin
    SueGremlin Posts: 1,066 Member
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    maybe he's got something going on with a girl in the gym? this is my only logical explanation
    n i know you said you go to different gyms so it's weird.
    I think that is a ridiculous assertion.

    OP, I think you need to talk to him directly and without accusation. Tell him how you are feeling about this.
  • SinkTheBismarck
    SinkTheBismarck Posts: 133
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    maybe he's got something going on with a girl in the gym? this is my only logical explanation
    n i know you said you go to different gyms so it's weird.

    We go to different gyms because we live far away from each other. I don't know, while I did think he could be 'liking' someone else, that doesn't explain why he is normal and loving with me until I touch the subject "fitness".
  • cmeade20
    cmeade20 Posts: 1,238 Member
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    Maybe the gym is what he always viewed as "his space". I don't know if you guys live together or how much time you spend together but if its a lot maybe he needs that five hours a week where you're not around. Maybe join a different gym and see how he is about it.


    Oh I misread nevermind I thought you said same gym
  • Thechiplover
    Thechiplover Posts: 118
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    The first thing that popped into my head is that as you lose weight and get in shape that the eyes of more guys would probably be looking at you and for this he is jealous.

    What i was thinking
  • TexanThom
    TexanThom Posts: 778
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    Talk to HIM....Not us.
  • Brittbabysmiles
    Brittbabysmiles Posts: 4
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    Maybe he likes you the way you are and doesn't understand why you would want to change anything about your body. My boyfriends the same way. He's supportive because he knows it's REALLY important to me but at first he didn't understand. Your boyfriend probably see's you a lot different then you see yourself. <3 I don't think he likes someone else, he just doesn't understand why you would want to change.
  • crazybigchick
    crazybigchick Posts: 245
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    Mine just prefers me a little heavier than I like to be. I put on a few pounds and he get super handsy, but every time I lose a few pounds he gets pouty and starts bring me home treats! lol Maybe he just likes you a little bit more on the soft and curvy side?
  • Rae6503
    Rae6503 Posts: 6,294 Member
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    Just keep talking to him. You've brought the issue to light, now every time he does, point it out. Communication si key.
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
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    He sounds like a narcissist.
    In other words, he thinks you are doing this BECAUSE HE DOES, not because you see a benefit for yourself.

    I don't know if there is anything to do.
    Find a better boy friend.
  • TrailRunner61
    TrailRunner61 Posts: 2,505 Member
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    I'd say he's afraid of losing you. A lot of people, after weight loss, do change and end up with different partners so I can see why he could be insecure. I've seen it happen a LOT. One of our good friends just divorced over it. I think that when people lose weight, a different person comes out that has been hiding, a more confident person who has always known what they wanted but didn't have the nerve to go after it. (not just other men/women!) Just tell him that when you are more fit you feel sexier and it makes you want him even more. That works for me. :)
  • margeauxhunt
    margeauxhunt Posts: 77
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    I would ask him yourself. We can make assumptions, but none of us know him so calling him names is very unfair. HIm acting like this could mean 100000 different things, none of which any of us will know.
  • pineapple1989
    pineapple1989 Posts: 195 Member
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    The first thing that I thought of is what a few others have said, sounds to me like he is worried that if you drop the weight you will ger more attention from males and is could be worried that you might leave him.

    But you will need to speak to him because if could be a number of things, maybe if the gym is "his thing" and you are having a lot of success with it he feels that his achievements mean less (suppose it depends on what his goals are) or it could be (but hopefully not) that he views himself as the "most attractive" half of the couple and is worried that he wont be any more?

    Something I realised recently as well is that I thought that people didnt seem to be very interested in my diet and exercise regime, then I realised that I have been talking about it A LOT recently. My family kind of got fed up I think. Oops. Do you mention it a lot? It might not be that but its something to consider!

    I hope you work it out though :smile:
  • healthybabs
    healthybabs Posts: 581 Member
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    I don't think it is odd that he is acting this way for a couple of reasons, 1-He is insecure and is afraid you will be attracting attention of other men and 2-Has he seen you go up and down and not stick to a work out/weight loss plan, thus is waiting for this one to end as well? Is this the only form of exercise the two of you do? My husband and I love to spend time together, we do work out together at the same gym but we also love to play tennis, bike ride, or take a pleasure walk on a Sunday afternoon just to enjoy the outdoors and nature. You may want to suggest activities you can do together, don't make it about the exercise, make it about doing something different together. We love our walks because that gives us time to "talk" about anything and everything for an uninterrupted couple of hours. So healthy for a marriage/relationship, and imperative. Don't know how serious you are with this guy but I would think that after 3 years if he really LOVES you he would want to encourage you to be healthy and applaud any and all efforts. To me, this would be a red flag and if there is no discussion of marriage going on, I would move on and find someone more supportive.
  • SinkTheBismarck
    SinkTheBismarck Posts: 133
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    Thanks, guys. I'll talk to him once things have calmed down a bit. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
  • SinkTheBismarck
    SinkTheBismarck Posts: 133
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    I don't think it is odd that he is acting this way for a couple of reasons, 1-He is insecure and is afraid you will be attracting attention of other men and 2-Has he seen you go up and down and not stick to a work out/weight loss plan, thus is waiting for this one to end as well? Is this the only form of exercise the two of you do? My husband and I love to spend time together, we do work out together at the same gym but we also love to play tennis, bike ride, or take a pleasure walk on a Sunday afternoon just to enjoy the outdoors and nature. You may want to suggest activities you can do together, don't make it about the exercise, make it about doing something different together. We love our walks because that gives us time to "talk" about anything and everything for an uninterrupted couple of hours. So healthy for a marriage/relationship, and imperative. Don't know how serious you are with this guy but I would think that after 3 years if he really LOVES you he would want to encourage you to be healthy and applaud any and all efforts. To me, this would be a red flag and if there is no discussion of marriage going on, I would move on and find someone more supportive.

    Fantastic ideas. I'll try that too. :-)

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