"never good enough"

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mes1119
mes1119 Posts: 1,082 Member
in Motivation and Support
I was just wondering if I'm the only person in the MFP community that never feels good enough. Yes, I know I have some mental issues and most of it stem from my parents and my upbringing. It would just be nice to know that I'm not the only one...

When I was growing up, as a bright student and competitive swimmer, it was always "you should lose 10 pounds and you'd be faster" or "you should have don't better on that test". I developed an eating disorder because of this and lost 30 pounds in 2 months off of my already tiny athletic body frame. My parents gave me this idea that no matter what, I could have always done better. Still, after 8 years, I still struggle with these ideas.

I still feel like I'm too fat, or not smart enough, or don't work hard enough or too lazy. I wan't, more than anything, to be this person that everyone thinks I can be, but I honestly feel like I can't. I can't seem to pass the last semester of college, or lose the last 15 pounds. No matter what, I will always fail.

Anyways, I would appreciate no hating considering I do this enough to myself. i actually am a Psychology Major so I know quite a bit about therapy and have a very negative view on it due to bad experiences with both therapists and the medication they push on you. I would just kind of like some support, suggestions, friend requests from those that understand what I'm going through and how they have dealt with it :ohwell:
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Replies

  • mes1119
    mes1119 Posts: 1,082 Member
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    bump :sad: I'd really like some replies/help
  • Rainforst
    Rainforst Posts: 40 Member
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    Hi mes119, Everyone has problems out there and some of us have had a very bad childhood that we would like to blame. As children we can blame our parent or friends or family or society who ever. But as an adult I have come to terms, it took me 32 years to confront the person who abused me as a child, when I did I was able to take control of what happens to me. No one can make you feel bad unless you allow them to. It is a very difficult thing to do, but until you do they will have continue control.
    Take your life by the horns and steer it to where you want to go. I get up every morning and say at it is going to be a good day. I smile even if someone is complaining or angry at me, this way I have control.
    Good luck to you and please know that there are lots of people out there just like you and me. Take each day as it comes and try to control the thing you can control and leave the other things behind.
  • DBell28
    DBell28 Posts: 45
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    I've been there, when I was younger (I am not sure how old you are), but I am 33 I can tell you, it gets better and at some point you turn around and say "screw it" and stop comparing yourself, negative talk, etc. Granted, I still do it at times but Ive noticed for myself that as you get older, "good enough" is just a frame of mind - eventually you become your own person and do your own. Feel free to add me if you want
  • TriciaZ944
    TriciaZ944 Posts: 317 Member
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    I understand where you are coming from. We all have our insecurities and they can be difficult to overcome. At some point you will need to realize that the person you need to please is yourself not everyone else. If you treat others as you would like to be treated, celebrate your accomplishments and remind yourself that you are a good person who can accomplish anything you put your mind to. It sucks your parents made you feel that way but it's time to take control of your life and do what makes you happy not what will please others. Sometimes you will need help reaching this point and that is where counseling can help. Good luck to you it gets better :flowerforyou:
  • mes1119
    mes1119 Posts: 1,082 Member
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    Thanks for the replies, stress from school and dealing with the stress is making me feel like I'm just not good at life. I wish so bad that I didn't have these feelings. It seems like everyone else is happy with themselves and I can't help but be jealous and wonder where they get this motivation and self confidence....
  • sktllmdrhmz
    sktllmdrhmz Posts: 2,073 Member
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    You're not alone. I wear contacts and hate wearing my glasses. They're like a self-esteem off switch. I also feel the same way about other people, especially at work. They're there at the crack of dawn and busy as bees. I wonder whether they're happy and I'm missing out on something, or if ignorance is bliss and they're just blissfully complacent.
  • pagham
    pagham Posts: 29
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    Thanks for the replies, stress from school and dealing with the stress is making me feel like I'm just not good at life. I wish so bad that I didn't have these feelings. It seems like everyone else is happy with themselves and I can't help but be jealous and wonder where they get this motivation and self confidence....

    What is your relationship like with your parents now? Have you sat down with them and told them how they made you feel growing up?
  • abberbabber
    abberbabber Posts: 972 Member
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    Mes1119, my dad is much the same way; nothing is ever good enough for him. It's taken me awhile, but I'm finally to the point where I don't look to him for approval. I know that really, he's always going to find fault, so what's the point? It's about being happy with yourself and not looking to others for validation. Which, I know, is much easier than it sounds. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it's not an easy place to be.
  • SPNLuver83
    SPNLuver83 Posts: 2,050 Member
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    I feel ya
  • stwalsh226
    stwalsh226 Posts: 38
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    I'm in the same boat sweetheart, so I don't have any advice for you, but I can tell you that you definitely aren't alone.
  • mes1119
    mes1119 Posts: 1,082 Member
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    Thanks for the replies, stress from school and dealing with the stress is making me feel like I'm just not good at life. I wish so bad that I didn't have these feelings. It seems like everyone else is happy with themselves and I can't help but be jealous and wonder where they get this motivation and self confidence....

    What is your relationship like with your parents now? Have you sat down with them and told them how they made you feel growing up?

    I've sat down with them countless times, in therapy and in personal situations. Every time they act like I'm making it up. Like it never happened and that they are just supporting me or trying to get me to see my potential. I live with my boyfriend now but they still live only 5 minutes away and their opinion still matters. I wish it didn't but I can't seem to get out of my head that I'm never good enough. I don't necessarily think about pleasing them but considering I never could please my parents (who birthed me) when I was younger, how can I ever please anyone out of my family??
  • DsAdvocate
    DsAdvocate Posts: 93 Member
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    Sounds like my family. They never hesitate to tell me I'm too fat. They complain when I wear my SOs sweaters as they make me look fat. If I wear my clothes they tell me I look fat. My BMI is 22 so it's not even like I'm that fat. I also have a physical disability so it's not even like I can exercise much. You definitely aren't alone.
  • _Bob_
    _Bob_ Posts: 1,487 Member
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    Thanks for the replies, stress from school and dealing with the stress is making me feel like I'm just not good at life. I wish so bad that I didn't have these feelings. It seems like everyone else is happy with themselves and I can't help but be jealous and wonder where they get this motivation and self confidence....

    I know what you're talking about, I got the same thing growing up. not a if you just tried a little harder but I got you'll never succeed no mater how hard you try. even with all of the things I have accomplished I still feel like some big failure is right around the corner. I'm still pushing along despite the feeling that I will never succeed. My friends on here help a lot but some days I can't shake the feeling that no matter how good I do I'm going to fail
  • jennylouise19
    jennylouise19 Posts: 2 Member
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    I'm sure this will be much easier said than done, but think about it in the larger sense - you could spend your whole life beating yourself up about not being good enough, or you could just say 'its my life and ill do with it what i like'.

    So what you're not the best swimmer in the world? I'm sure you're still better than a lot of people. And until the day you get some sort of world champion of swimming medal, you can probably always try harder and be better at it. If your parents can't accept that, then that's their problem, not yours. I had a boss like that once - whatever you did was never good enough. He never said 'good job' or 'well done'. It used to get me down but then one day I just thought you know what? I do a good job, I'm not perfect at it but if you're looking for perfect then look somewhere else.

    Being the best isn't always the most important thing. You can die being the best at something but at the end of the day, that doesn't mean you'll die happy.
  • tabulator32
    tabulator32 Posts: 701 Member
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    Thanks for the replies, stress from school and dealing with the stress is making me feel like I'm just not good at life. I wish so bad that I didn't have these feelings. It seems like everyone else is happy with themselves and I can't help but be jealous and wonder where they get this motivation and self confidence....

    Show me a person perfectly content with their lives and I'll show you someone with nothing to do and no where to go.

    Your parents aren't trying to make you good. They know you're great and they're trying to help you take it as far as you want to go.

    You aren't in competition with anyone but yourself.

    (Hold on. I have more. Let me go get another Reader's Digest.) :bigsmile:

    But, seriously, you will figure out what is important, what needs more work, what just needs to be maintained, and what can simply be let go. The ability to prioritize can make all the difference in work, health, relationships, family survival and life in general.

    Deep breaths and stay hydrated!

    :happy:
  • mgeertz
    mgeertz Posts: 1
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    I find it is often the standards that I have set for myself are what make me feel as though I'm not good enough. I constantly compare myself to those who I would like to be like (intellectually, physically, spiritually...) and always find myself to be lacking. I can definitely empathize.
  • LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo
    LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo Posts: 3,634 Member
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    First of all I'm so sorry that you have to undergo through all of these pressures. That is the downside of being a top student. I remember during my graduation in grade school, our of our batch mates was consistently the number one & eventually ended up Valedictorian. However rumors has it that her parents keep on pushing her to be better than she already was & I was like "Huh? My parents & I would be more than happy if I could just to have at least 1/8 of her intelligence & there her parents was, still not appreciate their daughter's achievements".

    In my case, I got to admit that despite everything that I have done, my self-esteem is still very low. This is because since I was a kid, I was always discriminated in school for being different & constantly being called ugly, ignorant, clumsy, etc. that affected my self-esteem & sense of worth. My family wasn't helpful either especially when I started to gain weight at 16. They would always compare me to my skinny sister saying things like "You may have prettier face but you sister looks overall beautiful. You will look better if only you were like her" or "You would look better if you lose weight, look at Xxxx, she looks like a model". I know they didn't mean to hurt me or my self-esteem but they already did. To be honest despite losing 22 kilos & 10 inches on my waistline & now wearing smaller clothes than my skinny sister, I still feel threatened whenever I see her (honestly that ruined our relationship & despite living under one roof, we haven't spoken for more than 10 years) & that I will never be beautiful & no matter what happens, I will still end up a loser.
  • JakinsandPeykins
    JakinsandPeykins Posts: 40
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    You never know. Other people probably think "She has it all together, I wish i was like her" Actually, thats the way it is most of the time. If we could only see ourselves through others eyes....
  • mes1119
    mes1119 Posts: 1,082 Member
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    You never know. Other people probably think "She has it all together, I wish i was like her" Actually, thats the way it is most of the time. If we could only see ourselves through others eyes....

    While I incredibly appreciate those that have commented on this thread and while my opinion of myself has not changed... this has probably more fact than everything else. people outside those that know me think I'm laid back, intelligent, in shape etc. but those close to me know what it really is like.

    Thank you for this comment. I want so much to have this mentality all the time. I wish I could think of (and actually believe) this when I'm stressed and depressed like right now.
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
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    You are fine.
    After a rough patch in early adulthood, one of the best things my Dad ever said to me was. "You are fine"

    so....


    You are fine.

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