How do you Deal With Grief?

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myers0machine
myers0machine Posts: 685
in Motivation and Support
First of sorry its not really much to do with fitness but I believe in a healthy mind healthy body so how do you cope with grief?
My grandad died and his 4th year anniversary is coming up this Friday and well for some they may think four years I should get over it but I just can't life ain't fair :'( why did it have to be him there are pretty of people that are unhealthy,murders,rapeist,pedophiles why him he was a great man but because are lifes suck we all die and ill never get to see him or anyone else who dies again,wots the point in life we are born we learn then work till we die just seems pointless.

But hey everyone got problems just wondering how u all cope and stop yourself at times like this doin stupid things?
Religion is a nice thought and if that makes u sleep better then great but I no ill never see him again
Ain't writing this to to get replys from u to say sorry for your loss etc coz first of you ain't sorry your just glad it ain't your family second how can u b sorry u ain't done nothing thirdly only coz am writing this don't mean am a soft lad just can't talk to anyone about it so just askin how do u deal with a loss

Thank you ahead of time
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Replies

  • Julz2586
    Julz2586 Posts: 1,337 Member
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    This year is the 3rd year anniversary that my grandad passed away... and i dont think i will ever get over the fact that he has left us :(

    I got a tattoo done dedicated to him on what would have been his 90th birthday.... that was a bit of weight lifted from my shoulders, i'm not sure why. I didn't get to go to his funeral and i felt like this was my way of saying goodbye but knowing he is always with me <3

    argh tears building up now must stop typing!

    Can't talk about him without getting choked up.
  • mikey1976
    mikey1976 Posts: 1,005 Member
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    i can sugar coat it. its never easy losing some one you love to death. i never new my grampa he died before i was born. i seen death a lot through out my almost 36 years i've been on earth. i had an aunt kill her self when i was a kid. then at 15 i lost my 6 year old cousin to a very sick pedifile. and for months later my dad left us he died of cancer. then when i was 22 i was on vacation in north carolina i had only been there maybe 2 days when my gramma died. i stay on vacation because i took the bus from my side of the world out there. i don't hate myself for that. i have great memories that no one can take away from me. but you have to choose to remember they would not want you to feel sorry for them just remember them in their best times. i've been through the hate every thing on earth and blaming them but you know the stupied part is. i waisted a good part of my life angry and battled alcholeism for four years. i've been clean from booze for 2 years and a few months it took me almost 20 years to say i love myself and need to axcept that i have to live for myself today and the days after that. what happend in the past is just that its the past. its been 20 years since my cousin was killed and my dad went to be with her. it doesn't get easy with time. but just have to remember if they had their choice they would of live longer and not put us through the pain. but some times you have to think is this a test of how strong you are as a person will you cave in or go on with life. i'm tearing up writing this but this how i feel. i don't want to dwell on the past because i can't do anything about it. its gone. i have to live my life now until my time comes
  • wongleweed
    wongleweed Posts: 35 Member
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    This year marked the 2nd anniversary of our baby son's death and the 10th year since my mom died. Don't ever let anyone tell you to get over it - you never do you just gradually adapt to living with the pain of life without your loved one. Life is so unfair. On thursday I have to go to the funeral of a little girl I taught. We can never understand why loved ones die so young, but be gentle with yourself you are living witha hole in your life where your granddad used to be, just do something to honor his memory on the day
  • Natx83
    Natx83 Posts: 1,308 Member
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    This may seem lame....

    But I dont really believe in a God. Im not very spiritual at all. Im pretty sure when someone passes, that's it. You never actually see them again.

    I however believe that no one ever really dies. We just take on a different form. Everything living thing is energy, in some shape or form. Energy cant be destroyed or created. As in you just mix up a bucket of ingredients and come up with a tub of energy.

    When someone dies, sure there body is lifeless, but there life force, the energy of life cant be destroyed. Just transfered. I guess this what some people will call the "spirit or soul" of a person. This is not a physical thing and you can't see it, but you cant deny it exists. Like lighting fire, the energy is the flame, which comes from the energy of the wood burning from the friction of spinning stick or sun through a magnifying glass and the energy of the flame is the heat. So if you want to look at it from another perspective such as this....

    Your grandpa's body isnt around and physical human being, but he will always exist..

    I dont know why, but this is just what I think, bit more a scientific look at things with an open mind I guess. Plus the exist in the memories and thoughts you have of them after they have gone, this is something that cannot be destroyed also :)
  • kelbelzz
    kelbelzz Posts: 92 Member
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    This year is the 3rd year anniversary that my grandad passed away... and i dont think i will ever get over the fact that he has left us :(

    I got a tattoo done dedicated to him on what would have been his 90th birthday.... that was a bit of weight lifted from my shoulders, i'm not sure why. I didn't get to go to his funeral and i felt like this was my way of saying goodbye but knowing he is always with me <3

    argh tears building up now must stop typing!

    Can't talk about him without getting choked up.

    I agree with you. My brother died almost 10 months ago, and I got a tattoo memorial for him. It kind of does make you feel like they are always with you, or a part of you.

    But in regards to the question asked ; It's okay to be sad. Don't let someone tell you to get over it. Or don't feel like you are supposed to get over it in a timely manner. Everyone grieves differently, and people feel differently after a while. I know that I probably won't ever get over the loss of my brother. And it is really irritating for someone to tell me to get over it. They don't understand, and people say stupid things to you when you're grieving.

    On Friday, you should do something to celebrate his life. We lit off fireworks on my brothers birthday (:
  • ania0307
    ania0307 Posts: 49
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    I lost my dad when i was 20 (almost 10 years ago) and as much as it sounds horrible it actually becomes easier. Yes from time to time I break down but now when I think about him it's only the good memories and I'm not focusing on loss.
    6 weeks ago I lost a baby at 12 weeks pregnant so i'm dealing with this loss now. And once again time is the best cure. It's hard but everyday it become tiny bit less painful
    You're strong, you'll be ok. :)
  • Caro1991
    Caro1991 Posts: 97
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    I lost my dad when I was 13, a very hard time for me because all he could talk about was my 15. This year will be 8 years since he has been gone and theres not one day that goes by were I dont think of him. Especially since I graduated and started my own family. The way he left this world was so hard on me but I have come to realize that he is in a better place and looking down on us. I either talk to someone or to him... My dad was creamaded and my mom had his ashes at her plave so evertime I go I speak to him or have my babies speak to him they are 2 and 1. It gives me this feeling, as if he is still with us in body but I know he is in spirit. I've lost so many people in my life and am just 21. I will say when ever you feel down... Speak to your grandfather as he will be listening. And dont listen to anyone if they tell you that you need to get over it, because you never will. You can have some clousure but you will never forget about a love one <3
  • Kaylee_law_123
    Kaylee_law_123 Posts: 450 Member
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    I understand your pain. My grandma died 5 years ago, and even now I burst into tears when anyone mentions her. My partner always counters any tears by reminding me of funny stories and fun times with her and the tears very quickly dissapear and I'm reminded about what a great life she had, and how much she would want me to be out enjoying my life and not crying.

    Don't let anyone tell you to get over it. Grief is a very personal thing and everyone heals differently.

    Maybe there is a really funny story you could share with the rest of us to cheer you up? I always think about the time my grandma came to Christmas dinner and forgot her teeth, my mum and I had to rush accross town to pick the glass up off the bathroom sink with them in there.

    Hugs x
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,679 Member
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    Losing people close to you is no doubt a hardship. When I lost my grandmother, I thought that it would be so hard to go on. Time did lessen the pain and I came to understand that death is inevitable.
    So how do you go on? Well, whether people want it to or not, life will go on with or without them. The greatest people who had a big effect on people die. And when people do, they are remembered and honored, but eventually people do have to go on with their own lives.
    No one who dies would want their loved ones to despair or throw their lives away, so you should still go out and be the best person you can be.


    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • PurpleStarKatz
    PurpleStarKatz Posts: 45 Member
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    Last wednesday was the 7th anniversary of my grandpa's death. It's never easy to lose someone you love, but it is okay to remember them. Just because time has passed doesn't mean you should forget those you love. Heck, I carry a keychain with my sister's name who I never got to meet because she died before I was born. But I still have that keychain in memory of her.

    Personally, I love listening to music, going for a run, cleaning, talking to someone, watching/reading something really funny to make myself laugh, and just being around people. Also sometimes writing about it (I have a livejournal where I've written a lot of posts as private, and only two people even know about it in the first place) can really help. Just to vent, if you can't talk to anyone about it, or don't want to.
  • ValiCaly
    ValiCaly Posts: 111
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    Lost a sister suddenly back in 2006.
    Once day we were talking and the next day I get a phone call that she fell down to the kitchen floor and passed away shortly after that. Heart burst at a weak spot.
    She lived on the east coast and I on the west. We had planned to get together for a vacation for the following year. Now, that will never happen.
    Her passing has gotten some what easier, although not by much, because I knew her passing relieved her of all the many years of suffering through physical and head pain from a terrible car wreck many years before. When she first passed I started drinking in an attempt to numb the pain and told my boss to work me a lot so I wouldn't have as much time to think, which he did for many months until I told him enough. I no longer drink over her being gone but when the time of year surrounding her passing comes around it is always extra hard. I remember her memory and cry if that is what I need to do. I still miss her so much.
    One thing, many times, I have heard of people forgetting their loved ones voice after they pass. For some reason, I can still 'hear' her voice in my head. For that I am grateful.
  • coconutbuNZ
    coconutbuNZ Posts: 578 Member
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    I lost my father. I had the same thoughts as you. Why should all these other mungrels live on when my dad was such a good man!!! He was also very close to my eldest son who was 5 at the time and it broke his little heart. How did I deal with it? Well, people used to say "time will heal" - that saying used to make me feel mad. Anger is also part of the grieving process. They meant well though, were just trying to comfort me. Time DID heal me and something called acceptance. After a while, when you're ready and in your own time, if we accept what has happened, it helps us to heal from all the pain of losing that person. Good luck to you.
  • kym117
    kym117 Posts: 315 Member
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    I lost my Dad and my Big Brother and it is very difficult, I miss them every day and it's been 11 years since my dad died, but I guess its all in your attitude and beliefs, Religion does give great comfort but it does not sit with everyone. My Dad was a fantastic, caring and happy man who leaned me most of my values and my Brother died in his 40's but has left me with lot's of great memories and 1000's of funny stories if I am feeling down I think of how lucky I have been to have had them in my life for the short time I had them, I do not do graveyards (everyone is different) as I feel I keep them alive everyday by thinking and talking about them and telling those funny stories, they would not want me to spend my life mourning so I celebrate their lives instead. I could easily spend my time wondering why we lose people so young I have also lost friends in there 20's but if they are loved it wouldn't matter if they lived to 100 we would still miss them just as much.
  • toutepechtite
    toutepechtite Posts: 32
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    This year marked the 2nd anniversary of our baby son's death and the 10th year since my mom died. Don't ever let anyone tell you to get over it - you never do you just gradually adapt to living with the pain of life without your loved one. Life is so unfair. On thursday I have to go to the funeral of a little girl I taught. We can never understand why loved ones die so young, but be gentle with yourself you are living witha hole in your life where your granddad used to be, just do something to honor his memory on the day

    I think this is so well said and brought tears to my eyes. I don't think you ever really get over it. You learn to accept it and it becomes a part of you. Such good advice about being gentle with yourself.
  • chrissiij
    chrissiij Posts: 47 Member
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    I lost my nan just before christmas and I went into depression, although I only realised that in February. I kept telling myself to get over it and that surely I am just being over dramatic? I soon learned that the pain of losing someone you love never goes away, but you learn to cope with their absence a bit better. My nan died on 10th December and the last time I cried properly was 17th March, the day after what would've been her birthday. Don't get me wrong, I still shed a few tears every now and again, but I don't break down so much any more.

    Grief is a horrible thing as it can manifest itself both emotionally and physically. My mum and I both went down with chest infections after my nan went, and these lasted a good couple of months. Even though I do feel like I have accepted that she has gone, small things that remind me of her will make me stop and think for a while and maybe I will smile, maybe I will cry. Confusing, yes, but it's all part of the process.

    Everyone deals with grief in their own way and I deal with it through laughter, sharing memories and doing things which would make my nan proud. I keep a diary for her, so whenever I have anything to tell her, I just write her a letter in it and she doesn't miss out. I know that right now, she has a large house in heaven, with a neverending dining table. She is currently preparing a roast dinner, with all the trimmings, and about 3 different puddings, for when her family come to join her and we can all have sunday lunch together again.
  • womac23
    womac23 Posts: 6
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    My Dad died this Sunday 16 April 2012 at 7am. Everyone has to die, we all do, it is part of the life cycle. We are going to have a wake for him on Thursday night - the wake is to celebrate his life. He was such a lovely man, everyone loved Larry. And I, along with so many people, have the bestest of memories of Larry - my Dad. When he taught us to swim he'd get the three of us to line up on the edge of the pool and jump to him - he'd let us go under the water and then pick us up out of it as we surfaced all the time laughing - it was a game and sometimes he'd just wait that one or two seconds or move ever so slightly further back so we had to paddle for one or two strokes before lifting us up. This embodies my Dad. He made everything into a game of fun (work for him was a fun game), he made you laugh even when you were sputtering water and gasping for air and he was there to support you along the way whilst teaching you to be independent. He was a great man and a great Dad. If your Grandad was like my Dad then he would want you to celebrate life, your life. Only if you celebrate your life are you recognising the gift he gave you. Happiness is not a destination, its a way of life, you choose to be happy or sad. Celebrate your Grandad's life and raise a glass in honour of a great man.
  • androde
    androde Posts: 96 Member
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    Anniversaries always get me was 4 years since mum died in January and 16 years since my nana and grandad died this month, 11 years since a great friend of mine died was January as well. I tend to withdraw, ignore everyone, try to stay away from the alcohol.
  • BeautyFromPain
    BeautyFromPain Posts: 4,952 Member
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    It is very hard to lose the people which you love.

    10 days after my 18th birthday I lost my guardian and february of last year I lost my best friend. What I do? I sing. I may not be the best singer in the world but I sing and dedicate certain songs to them. I talk to them like they are still here and sometimes I swear they are. Also, visiting the grave can really help <3
  • woopidydoo
    woopidydoo Posts: 79 Member
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    Well for me, I live in a haunted house so I never question the fact that there's life after death. I won't go into detail but I've lived in this house my entire life and it's very common to have things fly six feet off the wall, etc, etc. It's unsettling at times but also comforting.

    Hang in there! :)
  • MellowGa
    MellowGa Posts: 1,258 Member
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    You need to learn to move on, life is a cycle and we all will die some day, so enjoy your time alive and the people who are around you.

    I had a brother who died from Brain Cancer, another was shot and killed in a bar fight, my Mom died of a heart attack, my Dad died from a rare blood disease when I was a year old.

    Life is to short and precious to dwell on those who ahve passed, they want you to live your life, so live it and move forward.

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