Lack of Support from Spouse

dawnmarie1981 · April 2012

I have only been using this site, watching what i was eating and exercising for about a month. I have lost 19 lbs so far (until the 10 I'm sure I gained back today) but until yesterday, I thought my husband was my biggest supporter and that no matter what he would be there. I have a lot to lose, probably over 100 lbs, so I know it will be a long road and that I will need all ths support I can get. I have tried many diets and exercise programs before and nothing worked for me, I couldnt stick with it long enough for it to make a difference, i would get bored of it within a week.

So now a month has gone by, I thought my hubby was behind me, but even with that, I still felt like I needed more support, and more from people who know what I am going through and who know how hard it is to lose weight. My hubby has always been skinny and can eat like a horse and still lose weight, he doesnt understand that food is a addiction and that weight loss is hard, or more so, that it is as much mental as physical.

My mom is a great supporter for me (and a couple friends), but my mom lost about 70 lbs, has become a runner and completed a marathon. She is a true inspiration to me. So last night she said to me, "it's too bad you don't have a TOPS group close to you that you could go to for more support, they really helped to keep me on track". I looked it up, and turns out there is one within walking distance to my house. I was so excited. When hubby got home and I told him about it he got mad and it started a fight. It's only a hour a week, but yet all of a sudden, it's too much for him, it cuts into his home time too much (heaven forbid he doesnt have as much Facebook time) Plus then he brought up my learning to jog. I am JUST starting the couch to 5k program, so I jog 3 times a week, 4 if I feel energenic...and it's like even that little amount of time he does not approve of. He's all for me exercising at home on MY time during the day (I run a home daycare and have 2 babies under 2 yrs old of my own so I don't have a lot of time) but if I can do it in the day then GREAT, he's happy, but when I need him to watch our boys for a while, it's a inconvience to him, I am so frustrated and upset. I have pigged out on junk food all day and now feel sick...but yet have pizza ready for dinner....I have cried on and off all day about it. I thoguht he was behind me and clearly he is not. I can;t do this without his support and major support from other people who I can meet up with and sit down with to keep me on track. He just doesnt get it. how do I make him understand that I need it to keep going and for support???

Does anyone else have to deal with a unsupportive spouse? and if so, how do you deal with it?

BAtobe · April 2012

Hi there! Honestly, the first thing I thought as I was reading this is that your husband may be worried about your success and therefore doesn't want to "help" you succeed. It sounds silly but men can be insecure as well. He sees you as beautiful and loves you but with weight loss (WTG 19lbs!!!) comes a new sense of confidence that is sexy to most men. I have struggled with my husband through my journey and I know it's not because he doesn't support me or want me to succeed. I think my coming out of my shell and the increase is confidence, makes him (at times) feel insecure. I could be totally off the radar here but that is honestly my train of thought as I read your post.

I would make sure he always feels that your relationship is secure and you are wanting to look good for HIM as well. Tell him how much losing the weight means to you. Be honest and candid in your approach. I have also struggled with a husband who is about as eager to watch the kiddos as he is to do a polar bear plunge so I totally understand your frustrations there as well. I would set up the expectations now. If he doesnt wanna hang with the little ones while you go to your support group, go to your run, etc, then he can cook his own food, do his own laundry, etc. DONT sabotage yourself for anybody. Dont ever let anybody have that much control over your success. YOU deserve this!!!!!

10KEyes · April 2012

Hi there! Honestly, the first thing I thought as I was reading this is that your husband may be worried about your success and therefore doesn't want to "help" you succeed.

That was the first thing that crossed my mind.

My wife and I are doing this thing together. We both have accounts on here (MFP).

killinme · April 2012

My ex was like that too.

s1lence · April 2012

I am a stay at home mom with a husband that works 8 hours a day. When he comes home he wants to play Xbox360 and relax. Often times he would "fail to hear" when I needed help with our 1 year old son and I didn't get any time to myself up until I decided that I NEEDED time and called my parents. I spent a week with my son and parents away from my husband. I talked to him on the phone and when I came home I told him that I had to have at least an hour to myself. I told him how my day usually goes and how there is little time for me to do anything besides feed, change, and play/watch our son. I told him that it was important to me to have time and important for him to spend time with his son. He got the hint but it took another "vacation" of two weeks in a row with my parents for him to truly get the message. Now he gives me the hour when I ask for it, but I do have to ask.

He told me once that he's not a mind reader and that I have to tell him when I want something, he also said that he can understand how I would need time to myself- but I have to let him relax from work too. We may not agree on everything, especially when it comes to how I'm losing weight but when I tell him how I felt he did finally let me have my time.

I wish you luck with your situation. Try your best to stay on track with your weight loss. I know it's hard especially when emotions are involved but you've made it 19 lbs so far, you can make it all the way to your goal.

jg627 · April 2012

My wife was doing this with me, but then she went and got pregnant. Ok, maybe I did have a hand in that, but now I'm going it alone.

ksmith1048 · April 2012

My husband is supportive, but it is difficult with small kids and when my 4 were very young it was hard to get the time I needed for myself . . . HOWEVER . . . find a friend who will help you . . . switch babysitting each others kids so you can both have free time. It is better to watch a couple of extra kids for an hour and get your hour! Also, try a jogging stroller or one that fits all 4 kids and lets you walk / jog. Too expensive? Try craigslist or ebay. He may be jealous or insecure or just like us, sometimes just overwhelmed! If you truly love him, overlook this fault, but don't let it keep you down!! Good luck!

Cathleenr · April 2012

I I can;t do this without his support

yes you can.

im a pretty direct person and i would have to pop him on the head with a skillet, look him in teh eye and say "this is what is: i work all day, too, just because i dont leave the house doesn't mean im playing. when you come home, i need an hour to get things done that i need done, which includes looking after my personal fitness. after thats done, ill give you an hour to get your things done and then maybe we can do something together, like the cooking or laundry, then relax together. if that is not something you can support, then we need to have another kind of conversation."

and be resolute.

samf36 · April 2012

Well first of all he should never "watch" his children it is called parenting and it is part of his life. You need to come out and tell him what you need.

lg3703 · April 2012

I feel that way sometimes... we all do. You just have to inform him you're doing this, not asking- DOING. He can have his few hours to do his thing and you will have yours. Your not his mother. You're his wife- equal partner. A PERSON. End of story. You can add me for support but I warn you, I'm no nonsense! Lol:glasses: good luck & DO NOT GIVE UP! You have the right to be anyone you want!

Lack of Support from Spouse

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