Disheartened.

beth_816 · April 2012

I just joined the site.

The other day I checked out a topic in this section where someone asked if logging light cleaning and housework counted as cardio. I was intrigued. Responded from a place of "If it were me" speaking only from my own experience. Knowing myself--that if I did that it would lead to me (as I am wont to do) over-think it, get into fantasy, lose the big picture. How it could be a kind of "I can't see the forest for the trees" kind of thing.

I offered a link on cardiovascular exercise.

I wished her well.

From time to time I'd go back and re-read the feedback that people were giving. I couldn't BELIEVE what I was reading. I was horrified. The way that people here--in this venue for getting HEALTHY--in a group titled MOTIVATION and SUPPORT--were addressing each other.

There were two people so attached to being RIGHT that they had a spiteful battle going back and forth--so full of insults, disrespect and derision it made me sick. Trying to "School" each other in The One True Way. ::shakes head:: There was another thread were the poster titled it "I'm Giving Up". The vitriole spewed at this woman was stunning to me. One person (maybe more) called her pathetic. Some insinuated that she was a failure and should quit! Another told her to "Grow Up". Bunches of people telling them what they "should" do. How they "should" approach weight loss. How they "should" do this healthy lifestyle change. How they "should" live their lives.

Now don't get me wrong...I'm a fan of The Snark. Smart-Funny-Insightful-Witty-Sarcasm...but not at the expense of others. Thank God there were others--in both posts--offering more positive and hopeful items. I thank you all for contributing those

~~ ~ ~~~ ~ ~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~ ~ ~ ~~~~

Please. "SHOULD'S" have no place in this world--unless someone is doing something overtly harmful to themselves or some else. There are some overall "Truths" about weight-loss and fitness. Yes. But MOST of the how's, when's, why's and what's are going to be as unique and diverse as the people showing up to do them!!! There is no One-True-Way.

We are all just walking talking bags of chemicals and chemical reactions...and how our bag of chemicals responds to what we put in them, how we move them and the subsequent effect of that--will be different for everyone. When you throw our emotional, psychological and spiritual selves on top of that complex and complicated bag of chemicals...well...anything can happen.

My body is imperfect. My heart is True. My head is my worst enemy ;-)!!

::Raises a glass to your health::

~~thanks for letting me share this

~~

UsedToBeHusky · April 2012

I just wanted to reply so that you know someone read this since it was falling off into the abyss.

You are right. But here is the thing. This is the internet. This little website is just a tiny sub-section of the entire populace of the world. The forums are a free format that allow the freedom of expression. No matter what, all topics are generally going to have the same type of responses:

individuals that think they are right
individuals that want to prove them wrong
individuals who feel justified in shredding the OP and others
individuals who have positive, rational feedback to share
individuals who are just hoping to make someone laugh at anyone's expense

Take the good with the bad and don't let any of it get you down.

Never let someone else steal your joy! (best piece of advice I've ever taken)

morgansmom02 · April 2012

I was just talking about this yesterday too. There are a lot of people on these boards who are just here to be mean. They NEVER say anything nice to anyone (unless someone else who is mean teams up with them). They live miserable lives and the only thing that makes them feel better is making other people feel badly.

morgansmom02 · April 2012

Also those people know exactly who they are. They will show up on this thread and say something mean. Just give it time.

karavanderkooy · April 2012

Just remember the good people.

changeofideas · April 2012

=] good post

JessieArt · April 2012

Yes, and that is why I'm leaning more toward interacting with people on my friends list and staying off the message boards. I can't read most of it at work and I would never read any of it when my kids are around. I can't believe the Mods let most of this go on.

I was on that thread too. I said to count the cleaning. I do!

JessieArt · April 2012

Just remember the good people.

Exactly! Friend the good people and don't acknwledge the ones that aren't in line with you.

UsedToBeHusky · April 2012

individuals that think they are right
individuals that want to prove them wrong
individuals who feel justified in shredding the OP and others
individuals who have positive, rational feedback to share
individuals who are just hoping to make someone laugh at anyone's expense

I just want to say that I know at some point I have fallen into each of these categories, and I think most people can say the same. Judging others who judge others is just repeating the cycle, isn't it?

AlsDonkBoxSquat · April 2012

You never know what the temperature of the forums is going to be like. It's not just here, but in any online community of which I've been a part. If you're active, you figure out over time the people you generally align with, and the ones you absolutely do not. Chat rooms are like middle school in a lot of ways, but once you wade through the bs there some really good stuff there in the gooey middle.

themommie · April 2012

I agree it is sad that there are people who tear others down yes even on a sight that is suppose to be for encouragement and motivation. However it has been my experience since being part of MFP that the majority of the people here are wonderful, encouraging, motivating, awesome, caring people.

TheDoctorDana · April 2012

Well said. I was amazed at the responses of some people to the boards. I wonder how they would feel if they found out the person they were so ugly to killed themselves or something. You never know what the OP is going through. They maybe on their last thread of hope and then a jerk comes along and cuts the string

It amazes me how humans treat other humans. Sad really.

Bumdrahp · April 2012

I love this

. I joined this sight to find others like me trying to lose weight and help better themselves.. then I end up seeing naked girls, thongs, and really bad attitudes.. and super pervy dudes. I'm not here for that but.. fact IS .. it IS the internet, and will happen no matter what.

RedVelvetCurls · April 2012

Ah, this site has it's share of *kitten*. I remember one guy, he added me as a friend, and after 2 days of looking at my diary, he posted on my profile openly insulting me and saying that I didn't belong on this site because I wasn't serious about weight loss. I was having coffee, I had mayonaise, and cheese that day, oh my! So after a long post from him, which I didn't fully read because his spelling was awful and I couldn't make hear nor tail of his exact point, I removed him. There was one thing I could laugh at though: he had lost 5 lbs, I had lost 30lbs. The irony was more delicious than anything I had eaten that day.

My point is, people on the internet are *kitten*, because they have the power of being anonymous and they know that no one can actually get back at them. Fighting on the internet is easier than real life because you don't have the direct consequences. You can just go into a thread, flame everyone, and leave without ever looking back, and no one in you real life knows about it.

Don't let it get you down. You'll thicken your skin to this soon enough, trust me. And at the end of the day, people that pick fights online must be lacking something in their real life, so perhaps the internet is all they have. You can always put your computer off, and walk away and do something awesome. :flowerforyou:

LizKurz · April 2012

I just joined the site.

The other day I checked out a topic in this section where someone asked if logging light cleaning and housework counted as cardio. I was intrigued. Responded from a place of "If it were me" speaking only from my own experience. Knowing myself--that if I did that it would lead to me (as I am wont to do) over-think it, get into fantasy, lose the big picture. How it could be a kind of "I can't see the forest for the trees" kind of thing.

I offered a link on cardiovascular exercise.

I wished her well.

From time to time I'd go back and re-read the feedback that people were giving. I couldn't BELIEVE what I was reading. I was horrified. The way that people here--in this venue for getting HEALTHY--in a group titled MOTIVATION and SUPPORT--were addressing each other.

There were two people so attached to being RIGHT that they had a spiteful battle going back and forth--so full of insults, disrespect and derision it made me sick. Trying to "School" each other in The One True Way. ::shakes head:: There was another thread were the poster titled it "I'm Giving Up". The vitriole spewed at this woman was stunning to me. One person (maybe more) called her pathetic. Some insinuated that she was a failure and should quit! Another told her to "Grow Up". Bunches of people telling them what they "should" do. How they "should" approach weight loss. How they "should" do this healthy lifestyle change. How they "should" live their lives.

Now don't get me wrong...I'm a fan of The Snark. Smart-Funny-Insightful-Witty-Sarcasm...but not at the expense of others. Thank God there were others--in both posts--offering more positive and hopeful items. I thank you all for contributing those

~~ ~ ~~~ ~ ~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~ ~ ~ ~~~~

Please. "SHOULD'S" have no place in this world--unless someone is doing something overtly harmful to themselves or some else. There are some overall "Truths" about weight-loss and fitness. Yes. But MOST of the how's, when's, why's and what's are going to be as unique and diverse as the people showing up to do them!!! There is no One-True-Way.

We are all just walking talking bags of chemicals and chemical reactions...and how our bag of chemicals responds to what we put in them, how we move them and the subsequent effect of that--will be different for everyone. When you throw our emotional, psychological and spiritual selves on top of that complex and complicated bag of chemicals...well...anything can happen.

My body is imperfect. My heart is True. My head is my worst enemy ;-)!!

::Raises a glass to your health::

~~thanks for letting me share this ~~

Well, and while I do agree with you, there are those that take the other extreme, and think everyone is a speshul snoeflak that's designed to be unique, and that people somehow defy science, physics and even logic.

Also, sometimes, the truth hurts. This website is for support, motivation, learning and camradierie. However, I would rather someone truly show support by telling me I'm wrong, if I'm wrong, than to blindly go "yay!" every time I do something stupid. There are certain things, defined by biology, and physics, that people SHOULD do, to lose weight, be healthy and get fit. There are also certain things that people SHOULD NOT do, when trying to lose weight, be healthy and get fit. And sometimes, even though ive only been on this website for a month, hearing how "every one is a unique speshul snoeflak" gets really old really quick.

And that type of thinking and encouragement can also be detrimental to ones health.

(and all of this is just generalized speaking because I don't know to which thread you're referring)

UsedToBeHusky · April 2012

Fighting on the internet is easier than real life because you don't have the direct consequences. You can just go into a thread, flame everyone, and leave without ever looking back, and no one in you real life knows about it.

/\ This is so true.

\/ And this is just right.

You can always put your computer off, and walk away and do something awesome. :flowerforyou:

therealangd · April 2012

Also those people know exactly who they are. They will show up on this thread and say something mean. Just give it time.

The hypocrisy of this statement is hilarious.

How DARE anyone mean come into this thread and disagree.

OP, I understand your frustration, but just in real life, there are people you like and people you don't. If you don't like someone you can block them. If they truly are vile and trolling and enough people block them, they won't get the reaction they are looking for and move along. But sometimes it's not all sunshine and lollipops. Sometimes people need a kick in the azz, not oh nos and sympathy.

ChristiH4000 · April 2012

Cheers! There will be haters, know-it-alls, and trolls everywhere but don't give up on MFP. I think this tool is amazing when used correctly and taken with a grain of salt.

woou · April 2012

I find it helpful to just use the "ignore user" option.

Sonnie124 · April 2012

I didn't know that people could read my diary, that concerns me! I made me sad that people on a site like this would "speak" that way to others.

Starsighter78 · April 2012

I didn't know that people could read my diary, that concerns me! I made me sad that people on a site like this would "speak" that way to others.

You can adjust your settings to allow only you, your friends, or specific people with a password can access your diary. You must currently have it set so that it is public.

sherim71 · April 2012

I have noticed the same thing. It's interesting. Yes, you would not expect it here. You come here with maybe the belief that most everyone here has, like a lot of us, struggled with their weight at some point and therefore they should be understanding, supportive. Then you see a pic of a person with a rockin bod and 0 pounds lost and are left to wonder why they are here, then you read some of what they are saying :noway:

You just have to use your own judgment on who to respond to, how to respond and who to befriend. I don't care what people are eating as long as it's working for them - unless they ask my opinion.

There are two sides to this MFP coin, that is for sure!

beth_816 · April 2012

OP here.

Thanks so much for all the responses! AND the subsequent friend requests and private messages.

I don't have a thin skin (at least not over THIS stuff ;-)! hahaha! Not taking any of it personally. Have no problem scanning a post or response and just skipping the nasty snarky-mcsnarksters to get to the "good stuff" !! I didn't write strictly in reaction to any one thing, really. I wrote because I believe that in order to affect any kind of change...you have to offer something different. You have to not only address what is not okay but also cleanly and clearly state the truth (as you see it). Show people something different.

Someone wrote that it'd just be a matter of time til someone became mean here...and she may be right...and she may be wrong. The thing is I don't care. I don't care if someone gets mean. That's THEIR stuff. I know who I am. And who I am is really beautiful. (Am just trying to get my outsides to match my insides ;-)!! hahaha!!!

"Judging others who judge others is just repeating the cycle, isn't it?" The simple response..is Yes...of course you're right. The deeper more complicated response is...it's never that simple ;-)! hahaha!

If someone calls you pathetic...or says "you don't belong here. you're not serious about weight loss" (one of the responses here disclosed that someone said that to him). If someone does that...you get to respond. If it had been me someone called pathetic?? I woulda written something like this: I am not pathetic. I am struggling. This is a hard day. I was looking for support. I don't know why you thought you had permission to write something so harmful and mean-spirited. Maybe you're having some kind of horrible day? At any rate. It was not appreciated. If you can refrain from making comments like that I welcome your input. If not...consider yourself uninvited from my posts. (then just let it go. if respect if offered--great! if not--I'm sure there is a 'block' option on here somewhere!!)

The trick is to respond in a way that doesn't perpetuate the hatred but calls people on their inappropriate behavior. Yes, sometimes people will just give ya more ;-) But deep down inside I think they know (or I guess I hope they eventually know) that they've got some work to do on their insides.

The real message being: All that work you're doing on your outsides won't make you lovely...if you don't work the insides as well.

"Also, sometimes, the truth hurts" I completely and thoroughly disagree. The truth itself does not hurt. It's in the delivery of the truth where havoc can be wreaked, blood is shed and pain is served at the receiver's expense. Often with a self-righteous, sanctimonious tone--like the edge of a knife.

"There are certain things, defined by biology, and physics, that people SHOULD do, to lose weight, be healthy and get fit." I'm curious as to what these are because, really, there are very few hard and fast rules. There is a world of interpretation on the manner by which people can lose weight and get fit. The world is not black and white. Most of us literally swim in a sea of infinite greys. I haven't been through the boards exhaustively yet. I'd be surprised if I read something and thought "Jeez that is really really stupid and detrimental to their health".

Even if I did...I wouldn't flame them and shame them for where they're at. I'd PM them and first ask if I can offer some feedback...express my concern with kindness and compassion...and offer something of an alternative. Then I would just Let It Go!!

Cuz really. It's none of my business.

Thanks again for all the great responses.
Hope it's a good day for everyone!

LizKurz · April 2012

"Also, sometimes, the truth hurts" I completely and thoroughly disagree. The truth itself does not hurt. It's in the delivery of the truth where havoc can be wreaked, blood is shed and pain is served at the receiver's expense. Often with a self-righteous, sanctimonious tone--like the edge of a knife.

Since Im the one that said this, I thought I would respond. Yes, I can see where you would disagree, however, a lot of the times, it's not that someone has a sanctimonious self righteous tone, it's that the original person wanted validation for something, and when they don't receive it, they think they're being mistreated.

Like one topic on here, that brings out the worst in some is "I can't lose weight! I dont know why!?" only to find out that someone is eating 500 cals a day and working out for 2 hours. People explain, they then become indignant, and then it gets nasty. If people truly want help on something, and come on here asking for it, they will receive said help gracefully and not act like a jerk when someone tries to nicely suggest they up their calories. But instead what we see is the person who's "asking" for help get pissy because someone is telling them they're DOINITRONG, and by god, they can't be wrong, that's impossible!

So while I see your point, it's not always the case, and more often than not, people asking for help on here, don't really want it. They want validation.

"There are certain things, defined by biology, and physics, that people SHOULD do, to lose weight, be healthy and get fit." I'm curious as to what these are because, really, there are very few hard and fast rules. There is a world of interpretation on the manner by which people can lose weight and get fit. The world is not black and white. Most of us literally swim in a sea of infinite greys. I haven't been through the boards exhaustively yet. I'd be surprised if I read something and thought "Jeez that is really really stupid and detrimental to their health".

I wrote this one too. Some hard and fast rules? Yes, you'll need to eat less than your TDEE to lose weight, and you'll need to also not starve yourself with less than your BMR. There are gray areas with regard to the BMR in which some can lose a small amount and then plateau, but for a constant, consistent healthy weight loss, there are rules.

There have been many many posts I've read and thought "damn, that's really stupid and detrimental to their health, why are they doing this??" in the same breath with "no wonder they're not losing weight, look what they're doing by ruining their body!". Perhaps just some more time reading the boards, seeing what people have to say will bring that element of this site to life.

And most of the time, the flame and shame doesn't happen until the OP gets indignant. Then, *kitten* hits the fan.

Disheartened.

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