What to say when people comment on your weight?

You want more snarky? Ok.

For the boobs and butt comment:

- Yes, they are smaller. I am also working on shrinking my self esteem so keep talking.
- Yes, I have lost weight. I was thinking about plastic surgery, but too bad for you they can't fix "stupid".
- Stop staring at my boobs!

You are too skinny!
- Thanks, I am a lot skinnier. Now maybe I can fit into your unrealistic expectations of beauty.
- Yep. I'm kind of sick of some people so I am trying to disappear, one pound at a time. (I actually say this one a lot).
- Didn't love me when I was fat and now you don't love me skinny? (stare at the ground while saying this and then be silent until they speak. I will make them feel uber awkard)
- I was going to hire a professional to crush my ego, but you have done a great job for free.

Have you been sick!
Ha. No, you can't die from idiot-intolerance, which is why we are still friends.
I have Schnertzenhausen disease. (or some other made up word) then cough.