eating disorder recovery?

I try to distract myself really. Like keep busy so you don't have time to dwell on it.
The most helpful thing I found was admitting that I didn't know how to eat and I was not able to feed myself so I just gave up the power struggle and tried to trust that my nutritionist didn't want to make me fat.

Hey kelbelzz,

I think I can relate - I'd been struggling basically half of my life. I don't know if that works for you, but what helped me A LOT was stop counting calories in the first place and trying to re-connect with your OWN hunger/satiety again. I know this is hard. And for me it meant the opposite of what I used to do, at least for some time until I got used to not counting anything: I stopped eating anything which had nutrition labels printed on its cover, cause that would trigger me to count (...focus on numbers instead of my body, overeat, binge, restrict, repeat.). It took a while, but I started thinking about food less and less. And btw, during that time I also lost 20 lbs (I know you wanted to know if I gained ).
I can really recommend you read some books by Geneen Roth! That woman's brilliant and has some great advice on how to overcome emotional/compulsive eating. Don't judge that stuff by its cover, tho. I'm really not quite into "your body's your temple, love yourself, peace and harmony"-hippie stuff, but if you work hard on yourself, as in give it your best without punishing yourself for mistakes, it might work. I hope that helps.

The best advice I can give you is to replace old food with new. Veggies..LOTS of them. I KNOW exactly what you mean. I have no shame in admitting that I too struggled with an eating disorder. Know that surrounding yourself around people who will keep you accountable instead of shooting you down REALLY helps. My sisters helped up lift me ; they didn't tell me how horrible I was or how starving myself was stupid. I'm not sure of your religious views, however, I will be praying for you. I understand your whole situation like its the back of my hand. No matter what your mind is telling you, it's your whole body that is being messed with. I'm Samoan.... I have food around me all the time! It's soooo goodddd !!!!!!!!!!! I've felt gross and horrible about myself but I realized I can do anything positive as long as I put my heart and mind into it. Same for you, purposely put yourself around people who will keep you accountable. Remember that you aren't alone in this struggle and that others have overcome this just as you will Here for ya if you need some motivation!Good luck on your journey!

I don't have much advice for getting over the fear of eating, but I know I had to retrain myself to actually acknowledge when I was hungry. Even after I considered myself recovered I would 'accidentally' fast just because I wasn't used to giving into hunger. In order to help myself with this I adopted a 5 meal plan where 2 of the meals were super healthy juice. They never really filled me up but definitely supplied an energy boost and after 2 weeks or so my body was definitely expecting to be fed at certain points and it was easier to listen to it. Good job making it this far! The journey is so hard but coming out on the other side is worth it.