Help! Trouble with parents!

Rowanana · May 2012

So I made healthy lifestyle changes while I was living in a different city working my old job, but I got a new job in my hometown and I'll be living with my parents for about a month while I get apartment paperwork settled. (I know that's a long time to find a place to live, but there's a whole irrelevant saga that makes it so.)

The trouble is, my parents eat pretty badly. They cook a lot so it's not processed foods, but it's all drenched in olive oil and cheese, and they're on a homemade pizza kick lately... It's like eating out every night, and I'm having serious trouble getting my protein in. I'm getting some groceries for myself to help correct for this in breakfast and lunch, but we all eat dinner together and they get super offended if I don't eat the same things as they do for dinner. I appreciate them letting me stay and feeding me, but I find myself eating very little for the rest of the day because I have to save up calories for dinner that I don't even want. I've offered to cook dinners so I have some control and can help out, but they don't like my healthy cooking, which isn't an issue with my cooking because they love my cooking when I'm not eating clean.

I'm totally willing to pay for and make my own separate meals, or share my healthy foods with them, but they don't like the healthy foods and they feel insulted when I want to make a separate meal. How do I deal with this? $:\$

xamirahx · May 2012

Try making their type of food but exchanging full fat things for low fat items... That is what I do when I cook for my husband, I sneak in reduced fat cheese and extra lean mince etc... Failing that, lots and lots of cardio!!! Good luck, parents can be a pain.

Toxictwist · May 2012

When I moved in with my parents for a few months, I made my own meals. I would normally make enough of something to last me a few days So I wasn't always in the kitchen cooking before/after my mom did, plus that way I could still sit down and eat with them.

Nikki_42 · May 2012

Let them be offended. Seriously. They'll get over it and you only have to deal with their uncalled for childishness for a few more weeks right? You apparently want to eat with them, you've tried being nice and offering to cook, and you're doing your own shopping....there isn't anything much left for you to do or say to pacify two grown adults.

Their feelings are their own and you aren't being disrespectful so tough toodles to them.

Sharon909 · May 2012

I doubt they would like low fat versions of their favorites. Its a huge taste difference. Plus they probably like cooking for you while you are home. That said, your gonna have to put on your big girl panties and just tell them the truth. You are grown now. If they get offended so be it. No it wont be easy but if they are gonna let something as simple as cheese ruin your time with them...then you just gotta let it go.
Let them know how hard it is for you to eat healthy, and how much you have lost with your new way of eating. Succumb to one dinner a week with them. Find a compromise if you can, but if not, dont worry about it so much. You cant change how they feel.

Gosh, if it makes you feel better, pretend the cheese tastes funny. Tell them you think the EVOO has soured. Tell them the rich food is making your stomach hurt. Lie.

jehembee · May 2012

Maybe eat you're own meal shortly before, and just eat a really small portion of of they're eating. Or what Nikki_42 said.

bozzalozza · May 2012

Could you talk to them about it and come up with a solution that would work without offending them? Maybe you broach the subject from a 'I need your help' perspective...it's usually pretty hard for a parent to say no to their child when you have a heart to heart and really ask them for their help. The end result could be you still make your own meals, but at least your parents are not hurt and understand your perspective. Are they overweight? If yes, then they might feel you are judging their lifestyle choices.

Tzippy7 · May 2012

Just tell them you want to prepare your own food. They are your parents, they will understand even if they are offended. Or you can cook with them and make your own version.

xxslvrxwngsxx · May 2012

you could definitely cook healthy version of what they are used to eating. Half of my household is dieting and half isn't. Whenever I can I use lean meats and reduced fat cheeses and stuff, it makes a difference and the guys can't tell the difference!
OR, just tell them this is important to you and they should understand and eat your own food!

cinsuccess · May 2012

I told my family I have high cholesterol so I had to modify my diet per doctor's orders. It gets me out of eating the high fat foods and doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. It's not a total lie since I did have high cholesterol for a while when I was eating badly and I WOULD have it again if I kept eating like that. I just don't tell them that it's now back to normal.

hanna1210 · May 2012

Could you talk to them about it and come up with a solution that would work without offending them? Maybe you broach the subject from a 'I need your help' perspective...it's usually pretty hard for a parent to say no to their child when you have a heart to heart and really ask them for their help. The end result could be you still make your own meals, but at least your parents are not hurt and understand your perspective. Are they overweight? If yes, then they might feel you are judging their lifestyle choices.

When I lived with my parents, I did the "help" approach and it pretty much worked. I understand not wanting to hurt them, but if you come at it from the right angle, they may be more willing. My parents actually started incorporating more vegetables into their snacks and stopped covering vegetables in butter, oils, and sauces. They still bought chips and cookies every once in a while (and don't get me started on my dad's addiction to ice cream), but overall they started making an effort. They also started cutting down on portions (one box of stove top instead of two for three people).

Just explain to them what's going on and you should be fine. Good luck with the apartment hunting!

LouisCyphre · May 2012

Your parents agreed to help you by letting you stay with them for a month...did they stipulate you must also eat whatever they say?

Are you certain they are actually offended at not eating their food? Or perhaps they just want you to try it? Could it be the way you are turning them down? Saying "no, thank you, but I'm trying to stick to my plan" might come across less offensively than "no, thank you, your food is full of fat and calories"...

I do not intend to sound rude but you and your parents are adults...I just don't see the issue...

julieh1973 · May 2012

I am likely biased as a result of my Mom suffering a severe stroke last year so I say try to incorporate some healthy foods into their diet maybe a salad before a small piece of pizza or try the sneaky low fat substitutions. If all else fails stick to your diet I have been fortunate to be able to motivate my husband by example after much resistance.

zellagrrl · May 2012

Try to compromise: cook your own meal, but eat with them at the dinner table-- it's probably the time spent with them that's actually important (and maybe they'll even say that out loud).

Rowanana · May 2012

Yeah, I definitely still plan on eating with them even when I make my own food. I like my parents, I just don't want to eat what they eat every night. Once or twice a week would be fine.

I think the problem is that they feel like I'm judging them, like bozzalozza said. I haven't said their foods are unhealthy, but they are a bit overweight (not disastrously) and I think they take it as "your food is bad and fattening" when I want to eat something else. Which, by the way, I haven't said. I'm frustrated but I'm not stupid and I'm trying NOT to insult them. XD The closest that happened is once I mentioned it was hard to log my food when I was with them and they went off on "oh so our food is so unhealthy." I explained that I only meant that it was hard to log it because I didn't know exactly how much of what ingredients were in it, which is what I'd been referring to that time anyway. I do hope they make healthier choices sometime. They have expressed interest in losing weight and eating healthy, but I don't think it's going to happen as long as their rationale is "olive oil is healthy so we can use as much as we want" and I'm not going to push the issue when it's obviously touchy with them.

Thanks for the suggestions, though! Some of the dishes won't work with leaner versions but I can experiment and see what I can do, and it's worth a shot to approach it as "hey I need help with this." I think it might also help if I emphasize that I'm doing separate meals because I need more protein, because it's true and it allows for separate meals without implying their food is especially unhealthy. It just doesn't have much protein. Hopefully some combination of approaches will work out... I COULD just let them deal with it and I'm sure they'd get over it eventually, but I want to avoid that kind of tension if possible.

ladykate7 · May 2012

Tough spot to be in. Does you family dynamic work better with blunt conversations or a beat-around-the-bush style?

Blunt: I understand family dinner is important, mom and dad. I want to eat dinner with you. Its frustrating when you guilt-trip me about it though. Please stop. We don't have to eat the same things. Hanging out together is what I like about having dinner with you.

Indirect: Make a habit of helping prepare dinner if you can swing the time and if they won't shoo you out of the kitchen. Declare you're making the veggies, or the salad, or the entree. (dont' ask). If they say they have it covered say "well, I'm in the mood for xyz" and make it anyway. (Let them stew and huff all they want but make it regardless.)

If they start up comments implying you're too good for their food and they're insulted then you are in a perfect position to turn it back on them... why are they too good to eat what you want and you're insulted. (Leave any 'my food is healthy' parts out of it. This is probably why they are insulated, you come into their house and bring your healthy eating, naturally they are defensive.)

If they are particularly nasty about their food vs your food get up and leave the table and/or don't have dinner with them the following night. You have every right to show your displeasure with their behavior.

If they absolutely will not stop then don't have dinner with them any more. PERIOD. If they give you crap about that then its time to be blunt -tell them you don't enjoy family dinner with them because of their guilt-tripping. It'll make a tension between you that might be uncomfortable to live with but standing your ground is demanding they respect you. Picking fights isn't great, but you have to choose your battles and this is an important one to stand your ground on.

Good luck!

mountainmare · May 2012

On the other hand you only want to lose a few pounds. As one of the older crowd here I will say it must be really hard for you as an adult to move in with your parents--and for your parents to not see you as their child. It also seems that they enjoy experiementing with food, maybe you can suggest trying another cusine to play with together.
It is hard for a parent not to take the suggestion that their homemade food adventure is not up to your healthy standards personally--just tread gently--they are your parents, they are not eating junk food or horribly overweight, they let you move back in. Try to work with them and be grateful everyday that you have them.

astrampe · May 2012

As long as you don't expect them to pay for your "special":ohwell: food, I would suggest to jump in and help preparing and add your stuff....
Also have some lean protein powder and milk handy to help with protein intake...

I spend two weeks with my sister in my "old country" and after three day of eating nothing but meat (good) and carbs (still good) but no vegetables at all - except potatoes!:sad: I just went out and bought whatever veggies I could lay my hands on - my sis ate some with me (I think more to be polite) and the rest of the family looked at it like it was alien food - but thankfully its OK to be blunt in my family, so it worked well!:bigsmile:

PeggyWoodson · May 2012

I think I would sit down with them and totally explain your desire to lose the weight you want to lose and then solicit their suggestions about how you could continue to enjoy dinner together and also keep your diet in action. Ask them for suggestions here and maybe make some yourself. You could also ask your mom if she would mind if you cooked the foods you can eat while she is cooking so the two of you can be in the kitchen talking while preparing meals. My guess is that they really want to help you out. Give it a try and see what happens.

Help! Trouble with parents!

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