How to be helpful without overstepping...

Options
BAMFMeredith
BAMFMeredith Posts: 2,829 Member
in Motivation and Support
Now that I've learned SO much about health and fitness (thanks MFP!) I am constantly wanting to share my knowledge with others. Every time I go to the gym, I see a woman slaving away at some exercise that I know is not going to give her the results she's looking for...but I don't say anything. I had 2 different scenarios play out last night, one made me feel awesome that I helped someone, the other made me so frustrated because I didn't know how to be helpful without overstepping my boundaries...

Scenario 1: I'm doing standing bent over rows holding 20lbs dumbbells in each hand. Sweating through it. A woman (probably in her early 40s) is next to me doing tricep extensions with 5 lbs dumbbells. She looks frustrated because she can't get into a comfortable position. She glances over at me and kinda does a double take at the amount of weight I'm holding, and says "Wow, 20 lbs in each hand?? How long did it take you to be able to do that?? Are you worried you're going to get bulky?" I told her I started lifting weights a few months ago and I got this book, NROWL, that showed me a lot about weight lifting and that as women we lacked the hormones to get big like a guy (generally speaking). She seemed REALLY interested, so I showed her what all I was doing in my workout yesterday and told her to really challenge herself. She was really excited and thanked me over and over again and told me she was going to get that book tomorrow---what a great feeling!!

Scenario 2: Woman around my age, maybe younger is on the squat machine opposite me. She's been going at it for a while before I ever get on the machine. I do my 3 sets of 8 reps at 100 lbs and I'm done. She's still going...I walk by her side and notice that she's got her weight set at 20 lbs, and it seems like she's done about a million reps. I wanted SO BADLY to suggest trying more weight and less reps so she would get done faster, but I didn't say anything because I felt like it wasn't my place. But I see it ALL the time, and I so want to be helpful.

Is there a nice way to offer a suggestion in scenario 2 that wouldn't come across as being a know-it-all (which I will NEVER profess to be)?? I just feel like I've got all this knowledge and I wanna share it with everybody!

Replies

  • jcpmoore
    jcpmoore Posts: 796 Member
    Options
    The answer is no, there's really no way to do so. The thing to realize is that even though you've learned a lot, you still don't know everything there is to know. She still might have knowledge that you don't have. You don't know why she's doing low weights with high reps or what her goals are. So the best thing to do is to keep your focus on yourself. It's fantastic that you can help someone when they ask. That's the best scenario right there. But if they don't ask, then don't offer. Trust me, they don't want to hear it.
  • myfitnessnmhoy
    myfitnessnmhoy Posts: 2,105 Member
    Options
    Scenario 1 is commendable, you offered advice when asked.

    Approach Scenario 2 the same way. Do your workout and, without making it obvious, do it properly and be an example of how it's to be done. Smile, look approachable, but don't stare at the other person. If they're struggling with the "right" way, they might see your example and follow it, or approach you for advice. If not, then they are doing their own thing and let them be.
  • Maude_Lewbowski
    Maude_Lewbowski Posts: 395 Member
    Options
    I know exactly what you mean, especially being a former collegiate athlete AND training at the gym with a group of pretty impressive peers. It's tough to see people struggle and not want to help. Ultimately, I've resisted reaching out b/c some people either just want to be left alone or feel intimidate or a whole host of other feelings. So, I welcome those who come up to me and ask for advice, a question or whatever...that way 2 things are accomplished:

    1. I do my best to help the person who approached me.
    2. It shows others at the gym I am willing to help when asked a question or advice.

    That's my approach, it may/may not work for others but, I try to do my best. We're all trying to get in shape, whatever definition *we* deem that to be.

    Good post!
  • njmp
    njmp Posts: 277 Member
    Options
    Honestly, though my initial reaction was "I wish someone would have told me something a long time ago"...I thought about it, and I'm not sure I would listen. I've done different workouts over the years, and I was doing them based on information I had, and a program that felt good. And I got results. So not sure if someone telling me to lift heavy would have sunk in. I'm still not lifting right now, but that is my next goal. People have to be looking for the information and be open to receiving it.

    For me, it's like someone telling me I can't have beer or cheese. I know what's in beer or cheese, I know how the body processes alcohol or cheese, and I know that I probably shouldn't drink/eat it for optimal results. But I do. I'm aware, but no matter what the info behind someone's well meaning suggestion, I don't really care, because I'm not at the point I WANT to give it up.

    End ramble.

    AWESOME that you were able to help someone!
  • happyfeetrebel1
    happyfeetrebel1 Posts: 1,005 Member
    Options
    LOL..If someone approached me nicely and said that there was a way to improve my workouts, I'd definitely listen to them, and if their advice sounded reasonable, and they appeared to be in shape, I'd definitely thank them and look it up when I got home.

    That being said...some people HATE to be told that they're doing it wrong, and would get offended.

    Feel free to come to my gym and guide me!! :)
  • mandacloye
    mandacloye Posts: 26 Member
    Options
    Try this approach next time.....Approach the woman with a smile and begin a conversation regarding the similarities of your workouts. Give her encouragement. Be friendly. In other words, make a friend. Once that has occured there is likely to come a time when you can open up about what you have learned. As an over-weight woman with little to no knowledge of that kind of thing, I would have responded to you with a great deal of enthusiasm! I probably would have gnawed your ear off, asking you all kinds of things. (You might have been sorry you talked to me!! LOL) The fact that you started simply by be-friending me would have opened up countless opportunites for you to talk to me and even impart wisdom. I would guess you can tell pretty quickly if someone you approach is not open to being be-friended. I for one am all for "getting involved". Too often our society stays away out of fear. Try friendship. Earn trust. Impart wisdom. No harm in trying.

    Best of luck to you.

    PS You might just suggest that book you read to her once you have established a level of comfort with her. Your heart is in the right place anyways!
  • RandomMiranda
    RandomMiranda Posts: 298
    Options
    Yes, that /\ /\
    I was thinking that when I first started going to the gym I was really self-conscious and unsure of whether I was doing things properly, and my fears would have been confirmed if someone had approached me and said there was a better way to do it. I would have felt like all that time at the gym people had been watching me thinking I looked like an idiot (I know that's not what you were thinking in your scenario, but that's how I would have felt). But if someone had struck up a conversation and been generally friendly and then offered some suggestions to improve my workout I would have been more receptive to that.

Categories