End the relationship? Please help.

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  • Justacoffeenut
    Justacoffeenut Posts: 3,808 Member
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    If you don't have friends to help you in the area contact your local womens shelter or abuse hotline and ask for help. Sounds if nothing else verbal abusive relationship to me.

    No one NO ONE deserves to be in such a relationship. Take a break at least and let each of you work on yourselves. He seems to have some things he needs to work on. If he is acting this way and you are not married imagine what it may become if you guys were to get married.

    Please take care of you.
  • chooseyou
    chooseyou Posts: 14
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    Sorry I can't figure out how to reply to the messages individually but here is some more information for those that asked...
    We've been together for 2 1/2 years. A lot of that was long distance because I was in the Peace Corps and lived overseas. I think that helped mask some of the issues I see now. I did confront him about the comment later and his response was "I was mad." No apologies. No acknowledgement it crossed a big line. That's when the light bulb got even brighter. It seems he actually thinks it's ok to do or say pretty much anything if you get angry. I gave the most recent example but there are others. He's never been physically abusive but has made the comment when angry that "this is why someone would want to punch you in the face." God, I feel like an idiot typing that. Obviously, this is not a good situation.

    For mikek333: The comment wasn't saying it was my fault but rather that my father only had "baby" problems that he couldn't deal with. Essentially saying he was a weak man that killed himself over nothing.

    I really appreciate all the responses and people sharing their stories and encouragement. Not to get sappy but I was feeling very alone and your responses mean a lot to me. More than you know.
  • MindyBlack
    MindyBlack Posts: 954 Member
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    Sounds to me his contributing to weight issues isn't your biggest problem with him. Not that it doesn't exist. Anyone that cruel and hurtful can only be trouble. I would say consider your options carefully before getting in any deeper.

    edited to add: I just read your post right above mine. What he said is a threat and is verbally abusive. If he is feeling that violent I would be surprised if he doesn't eventually act out on the threat. Take care of yourself. Get in a safe situation. Don't wait for it to escalate.
  • deniseearheart
    deniseearheart Posts: 919 Member
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    WOW sounds like me!!!! My boyfriend is controlling and mean and says some of the most hurtful things.. my mother died 5 years ago . he did not know her either and all he can tell me when I get in my down moods about her death is I need to just get over it and deal with it.. This is coming from someone who has never lost anyone he loved..... We also moved to a new state a few years ago and I don't have many friends , I don't work and no longer have a car..... I am really controlled to and it is so hard for me to lose weight.... HUGS
  • teeina
    teeina Posts: 10 Member
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    This is a tough one. He definitely seems like he is he bad guy, but we have to consider that we are hearing one side of the situation. That being said, you should not be feeling forced to stay in a bad situation by circumstance. If you feel the relationship is toxic, then you should do what you need to get out. If you feel that situation can be worked on, ie: if he can reasoned with and is willing to make changes for your benefit, and you want to try then you should do so. Feel free to friend request me if you need moral support either way. You are not alone.

    Now about the emotional eating, it's another thing altogether. In life, you will be stressed and it's not always possible to remove the stressors. You have to begin replacing eating when you feel stressed with something else. It can be exercise, calling a friend, getting a pet, yoga, reading, playing scrabble online with friends, anything really... It's hard, but once you do it a few times it will get easier. Good luck with everything!
  • chooseyou
    chooseyou Posts: 14
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    Yes teeina. You are right. It's only one side of the story and I'm a big advocate of being fair. I just want to be clear that I didn't post to try and bash anyone and I hope it doesn't come across that way. He does have good qualities too. It's just I'm not sure if the bad ones are ones that I can deal with.
  • mikek333
    mikek333 Posts: 78 Member
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    I'm sorry I read too much into that. But, regarding the "...punch you in the face" comment: I have been dating/married to my wife for 23 years and we have had many heated arguments. I have not once thought about punching her.

    Not all relationships were meant to last a lifetime.
  • chooseyou
    chooseyou Posts: 14
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    Wow, congratulations on 23 years! That's amazing!
  • JellybeanIcecream
    JellybeanIcecream Posts: 16
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    I agree that you have separate issues here to deal with. You need to have a good long look at the entirety of the relationship (good and bad) and decide whether you think it's worth working on or whether your best chance for happiness lays elsewhere.

    In terms of emotional eating, I'd address that as a distinct issue, because if you turn to food for comfort in bad times...well, life will always have its share of bad times no matter who you're with. Keeping a diary is a good step to gain insight...and maybe look at other ways of dealing with stress...exercise or meditation or calling a friend or whatever works for you.
  • BrienJD
    BrienJD Posts: 541 Member
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    It's not an easy choice, and only you can decide but personally I think you can do better. There are some people who just don't deserve the love and devotion they get. I echo most of the previous sentiments.
  • hedgiie
    hedgiie Posts: 1,245 Member
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    it is important for a relationship that both couple feel happy and growing in all aspect of good things regardless if it's being fit, educated, career, money, business, etc. of course there are challenges of course there are miss understanding and problems will come across but since you able to grow positively in most time then it's likely that both of you will survive the trial.

    for being a man, it is important that he(and you) need to be calm. un-controllable anger is not good for himself to you and people around you

    based from what i mention above, you can now evaluate what you want to do. hope this helps
  • ChristaFall
    ChristaFall Posts: 72 Member
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    I was in a horrible domestic violence relationship for 7 years..emotional and physical. I stayed for way too long..even though everyone told me to leave him, I had to be "ready" to do it myself. It was the best thing I ever did. It was also one of the hardest things I ever did. I wish you luck..and I'm sure you are much stronger than you think you are :-)
  • MindyG150
    MindyG150 Posts: 1,296 Member
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    RUN FAST! What a puke!
  • Saruman_w
    Saruman_w Posts: 1,531 Member
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    Abuse of any kind should never be tolerated. Never try to change him or get used to this behavior. Get out now before things get worse. You deserve to be happy not in fear of your SO.
  • kiminikimkim
    kiminikimkim Posts: 746 Member
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    You deserve so much better! Good job for recognizing the truth. That guy is vindictive and immature. There are much better men out there, don't waste another minute of your life with him.
  • ljbhill
    ljbhill Posts: 276 Member
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    It's really hard to give advice when you don't have all the other contributing factors. A lot of people say things they don't mean when they are angry. I do, my partner does but we also love each other very much and he would do anything for me. We say flippant things with the people we love all the time because we feel safe with them. It doesn't make it right but we are only human. From the limited insight into your realtionship that you have given, it sounds like both of you are under some pressures or stress. Stress is usually brought on by lack of sleep, lack of exercise, relationhips with people or work. The results of this stress for you guys is; you are over eating and he is demonstating angry outburts.

    Have you guys just moved in together? Is there new jobs? How is work life for the both of you? Etc etc. There may be many other contributing factors for your behaviours.

    I can't really tell you to break up with him because I don't know all the facts about your relationship. At the end of the day if he is supportive of you, affectionate, values your opinions, compromises and wants to spend time with you then I would discuss how his 'angry' outbursts are hurtful. On the other hand, if he is constantly verbally abusive, negative, controlling, unthoughtful, spiteful and rude I would end it.

    I hope this helps x
  • Meadows18
    Meadows18 Posts: 206 Member
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    It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship but ultimately only you can make that decision. I'm sending you a friend request for support.

    It definetely is not very healthy. I am in the same situation but mine is my husband. It makes it difficult to leave and not know what to do next.
  • rcclcruiser
    rcclcruiser Posts: 98 Member
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    I am married now, but many years ago when I was young and beautiful, I wasted years on the wrong guy. I knew I needed to get rid of him, but it was painful to do it. Find a support group of friends, get rid of him, and you will be happier in the long run.
  • secostley
    secostley Posts: 409 Member
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    No question.......drop him immediately. If insults and comments that he's made flow that freely now, imagine what it will be like if you were married.

    Drop him, his phone number and his email address.
  • bradphil87
    bradphil87 Posts: 617 Member
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    Insulting a deceased relative would be a deal breaker for me...

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