Roommate Question, Advice Needed!!
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quinnybear
Posts: 243
in Chit-Chat
I know this post will be long, but I really need some advice on how to handle a situation I have with my roommate. Here's the story:
We've been friends for 15 years, really close in high school, lost touch, reconnected about 2 years ago. I went through a divorce almost 2 years ago and at that time she was the only one there for me emotionally. I cried at her house, went out to the bars with her and met a new guy through her.
About 1.5 years ago her fiance (and father of her child) asked her to move across the country for a job he got and to try and work on their relationship. Prior to moving she needed a place to stay for a couple months between her lease ending and her moving back to be with him. I offered my house (it was HUGE and empty because I got the house in the divorce) and she lived with me RENT FREE for about a month and a half. She moved away, things didn't work out and 2 months later she moved back here. Well, she had no job and no where to stay so she lived with her dad and shared a room in his small house with her 2 year old. It was a bad living situation so again we talked about her living with me. At this point in my life I was dating a guy who barely spent time with me and was sort of controlling about who I hung out with so I was alone a lot in my house. I needed help with house work and yard work and had 3 empty bedrooms and my friend needed space for her and her child and some help until she could find a job and get a place of her own. At that time it was a win-win for both of us, and she moved in.
Our original agreement (1 year ago): she would help with chores and cleaning, do all the yard work and pay half of the electric bill but wouldn't pay any rent or any other utilities until child support came through in 2-3 months and she found a job. She found a job that pays almost as much as mine but child support is taking longer than expected. Now, I have a good job, but I really have to watch my spending and my mortgage takes up an entire 2 weeks of pay.
About 6 months ago, after long talks with my friend/roommate I ended my screwed up/lonely relationship and went for a guy that made me happy and she was sooooooo happy for me and glad I had found someone that was right for me. Well, this relationship moved quickly and about 2 months ago he moved in with us. He pays half of my mortgage and we split the groceries and he helps out with other bills. So he's pulling his weight, financially.
Here's my problem: She no longer helps with cleaning, and barely cleans up after her child, who also has broken a lot of things around the house and ruined the carpet in his room. My BF and I find ourselves cleaning up their mess and he does all the yard work because she lets it go so long that the yard is embarrassing to the neighbors. She also has not started paying anything rent wise yet she takes up over half the house while we struggle to find space for our things and have even sold some furniture to make room for her.
Bottom line: She's not holding up to her agreement anymore. What should have been a few months of free rent has turned into a year with no end in sight. And we're constantly cleaning up after her and her child so it's creating more work for us. She always complains about things and just seems super ungrateful and that makes me feel like I'm being taken advantage of and that makes me sad :frown:
Any advice? Do I ask for rent? Do I push her to move out??
PLEASE HELP!
We've been friends for 15 years, really close in high school, lost touch, reconnected about 2 years ago. I went through a divorce almost 2 years ago and at that time she was the only one there for me emotionally. I cried at her house, went out to the bars with her and met a new guy through her.
About 1.5 years ago her fiance (and father of her child) asked her to move across the country for a job he got and to try and work on their relationship. Prior to moving she needed a place to stay for a couple months between her lease ending and her moving back to be with him. I offered my house (it was HUGE and empty because I got the house in the divorce) and she lived with me RENT FREE for about a month and a half. She moved away, things didn't work out and 2 months later she moved back here. Well, she had no job and no where to stay so she lived with her dad and shared a room in his small house with her 2 year old. It was a bad living situation so again we talked about her living with me. At this point in my life I was dating a guy who barely spent time with me and was sort of controlling about who I hung out with so I was alone a lot in my house. I needed help with house work and yard work and had 3 empty bedrooms and my friend needed space for her and her child and some help until she could find a job and get a place of her own. At that time it was a win-win for both of us, and she moved in.
Our original agreement (1 year ago): she would help with chores and cleaning, do all the yard work and pay half of the electric bill but wouldn't pay any rent or any other utilities until child support came through in 2-3 months and she found a job. She found a job that pays almost as much as mine but child support is taking longer than expected. Now, I have a good job, but I really have to watch my spending and my mortgage takes up an entire 2 weeks of pay.
About 6 months ago, after long talks with my friend/roommate I ended my screwed up/lonely relationship and went for a guy that made me happy and she was sooooooo happy for me and glad I had found someone that was right for me. Well, this relationship moved quickly and about 2 months ago he moved in with us. He pays half of my mortgage and we split the groceries and he helps out with other bills. So he's pulling his weight, financially.
Here's my problem: She no longer helps with cleaning, and barely cleans up after her child, who also has broken a lot of things around the house and ruined the carpet in his room. My BF and I find ourselves cleaning up their mess and he does all the yard work because she lets it go so long that the yard is embarrassing to the neighbors. She also has not started paying anything rent wise yet she takes up over half the house while we struggle to find space for our things and have even sold some furniture to make room for her.
Bottom line: She's not holding up to her agreement anymore. What should have been a few months of free rent has turned into a year with no end in sight. And we're constantly cleaning up after her and her child so it's creating more work for us. She always complains about things and just seems super ungrateful and that makes me feel like I'm being taken advantage of and that makes me sad :frown:
Any advice? Do I ask for rent? Do I push her to move out??
PLEASE HELP!
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Replies
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The way you describe it, it sounds like she started being a not-so-great roommate around the time your BF moved in, which is interesting. Maybe she feels uncomfortable with the new situation but has nowhere else to go, so she sticks around but just doesn't treat you with respect anymore. Maybe she secretly doesn't like him, or maybe it's just that you're one of her only close friends and now it sucks that your'e living with/spending your time with him. It could simply be that now she thinks since there's a man around the house, he can do all the work so she shouldn't have to. Or it could be something completely different. But I doubt the timing there is a coincidence.
Anyway, I think at this point you can ask her to pay rent. Calmly explain to her everything you've said in this post. Tell her you love having her as a roommate and she was doing really well when you first moved in together, but lately she's stopped pulling her weight. Point out the yard, etc. Also point out that based on your original agreement, she should be paying rent at this point. Remind her that you've had to sell things to make space for her and this just isn't fair. Be calm, be nice, but be honest. If she takes it well that's great! Maybe for some reason she still can't pay rent but perhaps she will be able to pick back up her original responsibilities. But if she flips out over your suggestion, it may be time to tell her that living together just isn't working out. I've seen roommate situations ruin friendships and it's a sad thing.0 -
The way you describe it, it sounds like she started being a not-so-great roommate around the time your BF moved in, which is interesting. Maybe she feels uncomfortable with the new situation but has nowhere else to go, so she sticks around but just doesn't treat you with respect anymore. Maybe she secretly doesn't like him, or maybe it's just that you're one of her only close friends and now it sucks that your'e living with/spending your time with him. It could simply be that now she thinks since there's a man around the house, he can do all the work so she shouldn't have to. Or it could be something completely different. But I doubt the timing there is a coincidence.
Anyway, I think at this point you can ask her to pay rent. Calmly explain to her everything you've said in this post. Tell her you love having her as a roommate and she was doing really well when you first moved in together, but lately she's stopped pulling her weight. Point out the yard, etc. Also point out that based on your original agreement, she should be paying rent at this point. Remind her that you've had to sell things to make space for her and this just isn't fair. Be calm, be nice, but be honest. If she takes it well that's great! Maybe for some reason she still can't pay rent but perhaps she will be able to pick back up her original responsibilities. But if she flips out over your suggestion, it may be time to tell her that living together just isn't working out. I've seen roommate situations ruin friendships and it's a sad thing.
It did get worse around the time he moved in, but it was still kinda there before, but I ignored it because it was nice having someone live with me. We've talked about the BF and she did mention feeling like I hung out with him a lot, but she is a social butterly and goes out drinking/doesn't come home 3-4 nights a week. If my BF bothered her so much, she lied to me about it when we had a sit-down talk about it. I just want to make sure me asking for rent or some sort of contribution on her behalf is not over the top. Thank you for your advice! That's pretty much what I want to do and have thought about doing, I don't ever want to come off like I'm attacking her, but girl's gotta start paying her way! It's hard not to be jealous when we work overtime just to have a night out once a week while she goes out and spends money on beer/food because she has no rent!0 -
First you need to decide if you want her to move out or just start paying/helping out more.
If you want her to move out just tell her you have enjoyed living with her but now since bf has moved in you guys would like the house to yourselves, she has 30 or so days to move out.
If you don't want her to leave, I would sit down with her and tell her what you have just said: originally the agreement was for her to help out, and now she's not any more and it doesn't fly. Tell her if she wants to stay she needs to start back up again, and maybe give a sort of schedule (I expect you to mow at least once a week, etc). And let her know that since this situation isn't temporary like you once thought, it is time for her to start paying for part of the mortgage. You have been more than generous with her so if she gives you anything other than "I absolutely agree" then she is a selfish brat and can get the H out.
Be careful, it sounds like you have a tendency to let people walk on you. If you need help maybe your bf can be there during the conversation to have your back. Stick up for yourself, you have been more than graceous. She needs to show she is a true friend, and not a mooch.0 -
I totally agree with LaurenAOK, sitting down and calmly explaining the situation is best. You are both adults, you should be able to talk about these type of issues without any drama. Who knows, maybe there is something going on in her life that she hasn't shared with you. If she does flip out, let her know that living with you is not the best idea anymore.
I don't know about anyone else, but I would be ashamed if I acted like a pig and disrespected someone and their property, especially in front of my child. Not that I am calling your friend a pig....just that she's acting like one.0 -
Ask for rent. Seriously, if she has a job, there is absolutely no reason that she should not be contributing financially. You may find that asking for rent opens up a greater dialogue about the living situation and be prepared to talk about the concerns that you have. Write up a contract together that both of you sign and date. If this does not result in change, it may be time to ask her to move.0
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Sounds like it's time for a house meeting! You all need to sit down together and talk about goals of the household and who need to do what, and who needs to pay what. This includes her child. He maybe can help out by picking up toys, and other easy yet responsible things.
Maybe approach it in a way that you aren't attacking her, and make suggestions for everyone, and how you can all work together as a team to make the house run more efficiently and be more functional for a family of 4.0 -
Be careful, it sounds like you have a tendency to let people walk on you. If you need help maybe your bf can be there during the conversation to have your back. Stick up for yourself, you have been more than graceous. She needs to show she is a true friend, and not a mooch.
Thank you! You're confirming what I was thinking of doing and that I'm not asking too much. And this line really hits home, I'm so scared of ruining the friendship that I'm letting myself be a walked on!0 -
That is completely ridiculous. I feel bad enough having my roommate feed my cats when I'm at my bf's for the weekend, not to mention a child that breaks things?! I would be SO embarrassed.
She sounds ungrateful and will probably continue to leech until you decide to do something. you need to really stand up to her and say something. I agree it should probably be a mature, adult talk and, like the other posters said, if she doesn't completely agree then she can gtfo. She can't possibly think that the present situation is something that can stay forever, and that people are just around to make room for her. How selfish.0 -
Time for the adults to sit down and have a conversation. There are 3 responsible adults, the rent, utilities, yard work and house work should be split 3 ways. Since she has a good paying job she should be able to afford to get her own place by now, or at least be close to having enough to be on her own. If you are watching the child while she is out 3-4 nights a week you should be getting paid something for babysitting. You also need to make it clear that she needs to make plans for any cleaning and repair or replacing of the broken/ruined items. Maybe set up a swap/payment system for getting chores done....if she doesn't mow the lawn she has to pay someone else to do it, or take over another persons chores for example.0
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I totally agree with LaurenAOK, sitting down and calmly explaining the situation is best. You are both adults, you should be able to talk about these type of issues without any drama. Who knows, maybe there is something going on in her life that she hasn't shared with you. If she does flip out, let her know that living with you is not the best idea anymore.
I don't know about anyone else, but I would be ashamed if I acted like a pig and disrespected someone and their property, especially in front of my child. Not that I am calling your friend a pig....just that she's acting like one.
Thank you, You are all confirming my feelings and my plan on how to approach it.
And it's funny, she was such a clean person when she lived on her own. She's by no means a pig lol but I just can't handle left over meat sitting in the fridge until it literally starts molding/rotting and dirty pans with food sitting on the stove for 2-3 days!0 -
Thank you everyone for your replies/advice. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to read my post! I think everyone's response is right in line with what I feel is right, but I just needed some verification from other people. And I just want to say that I love her to death and she was an amazing friend when I went through my divorce but as a roommate it is just not working and I need to feel like I'm being treated with respect. Not to mention the fact that I own this home so when it gets dirty/broken/etc it's my responsibility to fix things, not a landlord.0
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Thank you everyone for your replies/advice. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to read my post! I think everyone's response is right in line with what I feel is right, but I just needed some verification from other people. And I just want to say that I love her to death and she was an amazing friend when I went through my divorce but as a roommate it is just not working and I need to feel like I'm being treated with respect. Not to mention the fact that I own this home so when it gets dirty/broken/etc it's my responsibility to fix things, not a landlord.
Quickest way to ruin a friendship is to live together. I have shared houses with many people who were not friends and we all did our part in keeping it clean. The one time I shared a house with a friend.....well, we are not friends anymore.:ohwell:0 -
Thank you everyone for your replies/advice. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to read my post! I think everyone's response is right in line with what I feel is right, but I just needed some verification from other people. And I just want to say that I love her to death and she was an amazing friend when I went through my divorce but as a roommate it is just not working and I need to feel like I'm being treated with respect. Not to mention the fact that I own this home so when it gets dirty/broken/etc it's my responsibility to fix things, not a landlord.
Quickest way to ruin a friendship is to live together. I have shared houses with many people who were not friends and we all did our part in keeping it clean. The one time I shared a house with a friend.....well, we are not friends anymore.:ohwell:
I agree with that. Four of us who were friends moved into together last August and now we all hate each other. I got out of my lease, thankfully, but it was hell until that happened.
I would have a sitdown with her, her child, and your boyfriend and divide up money + chores if you so chose to have her continuing to live there.0 -
You need to ask to have a house meeting, sit down and talk it out with her. One time my roommates confronted me about not doing my part of the housework. I got mad, and then realized it was true. Just talk to her and ask her to do the things.0
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