Already... a Mother's Day argument with my husband.

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MissingMyOldSelf
MissingMyOldSelf Posts: 689 Member
in Chit-Chat
And I'm not even a mom, except to four-legged furry babies.

Please be my voice of sanity, mfp family!

After no discussion whatsoever, my husband told me that on Saturday, after his sister leaves his mom's, "we" are spending the weekend with his mother at her house to help take care of her after her minor surgery. (Technically, all she had done was a re-stitch of an old hernia surgery) His plan: to be at her house by noon on Saturday, and stay until around 9pm Sunday night, cooking dinner, taking care of her, waiting on her hand and freaking foot, never letting her raise her arms over shoulder height, ... all that bull___. My first thought, it's Mother's Day, but .... when do I get to go to the cemetary to spend time with MY mom??? Ever since I've been with my husband (8 years), we have spent all of our Mother's Days with HIS mom. Not once have I gotten to go to the Cemetary and visit my mom. We've always been "too busy." (Once, I went the weekend after mother's day. I just feel like a sh!tty daughter if I go after.) Well, after mentioning that I was going to the cemetary, he kinda huffed and said, "Well,.... how long will you be?" Excuse me a-hole, but Mother's day isn't just about the Mom's that are WITH us. I'm so angry, flushed, shaking ,etc...... Am I overreacting???
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  • chrikoko12202007
    chrikoko12202007 Posts: 141
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    ummm id be pissed too! it needs to be a 50/50 split. my husband doesnt really care to go see his mom bc things have been rocky but he has the choice. have u talked to him about it? men really need things spelled out sumtimes....
  • tbetts23
    tbetts23 Posts: 303 Member
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    If you need to got to the cemetery to connect with your mom, no, you are not over reacting. He should show a little respect, just like you have to his mom over the years.
  • s1lence
    s1lence Posts: 493
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    You should be able to honor your mother, even if it is just for her memory. You seem very upset about what is going on, and if it were me I would be too. Try to express how you feel about wanting to give your mothers memory the respect she deserves and would like to visit her on that day. Try to think of ways to work around both ideas. Also think of it another way, you have a mother-in-law. She does need time but if you explain to her your feelings for wanting to see your mothers grave she may be able to make your husband understand. I mean if the shoe was on the other foot how would they react? Good luck and I wish you peace in all the stresses.
  • MissingMyOldSelf
    MissingMyOldSelf Posts: 689 Member
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    I have talked with him, and all he can say is that his mom would just be devastated if we didn't spend the day with her. Well, that's fine and dandy.... but you can't give me a freaking hour to go and sit with my mom?

    I don't know..... it just blows my mind how "up her *kitten*" he can be sometimes. Maybe he just feels like we need to bend over backwards since she just had surgery yesterday, but like I said, it was very minor. I can see spending maybe the morning and some of the afternoon with her, or the mid afternoon to early evening with her, but really? 36 hours??
  • Sky_Of_Aegis
    Sky_Of_Aegis Posts: 114
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    Sometime, the umbilical chord has to be cut. I won't say much more since I have already said a lot regarding this. He's a big boy, and it's his mom. Let him take care of her all by himself like a big boy. If he asks again how long, tell him as long as you want and as long as you need. You need this for yourself, so don't let anything interfere. My wife and I have great understandings on everything, and if we don't we work it out. After all, it is a partnership, and partners should be equal.
  • MissingMyOldSelf
    MissingMyOldSelf Posts: 689 Member
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    Thank you guys for your input. There's been many times where I've second-guessed my feelings and thoughts about this, year after year, and I think this crazy b!tch has finally snapped :)

    I also have a problem where I can't do confrontations very well. I'm the type where AFTER the incident has occurred, I think "DAMMIT! I should have said................" But I think this year, it's all going to be different. :)

    And Alastor, the "umbilical cord" phrase has been used by me and my friends since the day before we got married :) LOL!
  • annabellj
    annabellj Posts: 1,337 Member
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    hi sweetie, im sorry im in the same boat but i dont go on mothers day. i go all thru the year but i have kids also so maybe its because i get to spend it with them also. i would do what you need to do. you have given enough time for him. I think I will go visit my mom saturday instead of sunday though. but my husband has always been supportive event though he cant possibly understand what its like not to have both of your parents around. just tell him that you need to spend some time with your mom at the cemetery and he will have to understand and visit his mom on his own if he doesnt want to go with you. hell Ron has gone to the cemetery to visit my parents, on his own without prompting mind you, ( yes he can be amazing sometimes) and he never even got to meet them!
  • MissingMyOldSelf
    MissingMyOldSelf Posts: 689 Member
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    hi sweetie, im sorry im in the same boat but i dont go on mothers day. i go all thru the year but i have kids also so maybe its because i get to spend it with them also. i would do what you need to do. you have given enough time for him. I think I will go visit my mom saturday instead of sunday though. but my husband has always been supportive event though he cant possibly understand what its like not to have both of your parents around. just tell him that you need to spend some time with your mom at the cemetery and he will have to understand and visit his mom on his own if he doesnt want to go with you. hell Ron has gone to the cemetery to visit my parents, on his own without prompting mind you, ( yes he can be amazing sometimes) and he never even got to meet them!

    Hi Anna :)

    I try to go throughout the year, but I don't get to go as much as I'd like, thanks to my work schedule. I've been working 50-60hrs a week, the cemetery is 30 min away, and everything gets pushed to the weekends, and by the time I have a free moment, it's already Sunday, 8pm. :(

    Ron IS an amazing guy :) You've got yourself an awesome keeper! My hubby has always said that he wishes he could have met my mom.... but on one of the few days a year (maybe 3) where it really counts, it seems like it always gets pushed to the backburner. It hurts......
  • cindy859
    cindy859 Posts: 99 Member
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    You should just put your foot down and tell him you are going to go to the cemetary to visit your mom, sounds like it is something you need to do for yourself and the memory of your mom, your husband can handle things with his mom while you are gone, his mother should more than understand! Good luck and hope your mothers day turns out wonderful!
  • chrishgt4
    chrishgt4 Posts: 1,222 Member
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    I think it's nice he's going to help his mum out, but that's on him, not you. I also do think it's fair enough that he expects you to go with him. I would too, but you should still be able to do what you want - if he has to stay in to wait on her, that's for him to do, not you. If you need to go to the cemetery then he, if anything, should be coming with you. I'm sure his mum can handle being alone for a while without constant supervision...
  • ThreesCompanee
    ThreesCompanee Posts: 33
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    Once you get to your MILs house, is it possible to sneak away for a bit to go to the cemetery? That way your husband is at his mother's the whole time he wants to be, and you also get time to visit your mom? I can't imagine anyone having a problem with you leaving for a bit.
    I have also lost my parents, and Mother's Day and Father's Day are so hard. But if you are planning to have kids, these holiday's get so much easier once you are the mother that everyone is celebrating!
  • Hev_uk
    Hev_uk Posts: 82 Member
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    My mum died when I was 10 and I think it's difficult to people who haven't lose a significant family member to understand how important it is for these events. I don't actually visit the cemetery where my mum is at all because I still find it too difficult and she was cremated and there is no marker. I really think you need to spell out to your husband what it means to you and say that you are happy to visit his mother but that you need some time for yourself to think about your mum. If you don't explain how you feel, he won't guess
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    You aren't allowed to take some time in your day to see visit your mom's grave? That's kind of ... insane. If he's staying at his mom's all day, I see absolutely no reason you can't go to the cemetery for a couple hours to do whatever you need to do.

    I hope he's more sensitive to your needs and feelings in other areas and this is mostly out of character for him.
  • ZebraHead
    ZebraHead Posts: 15,207 Member
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    Sounds like hubby is going to his mom's house....Make sure to wave from the porch as he leaves for the weekend....
  • KrystleKiri
    KrystleKiri Posts: 135
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    My father has passed, and I definitely understand wanting to go to the cemetery for a bit. Just go. Just go and sit there for as long as you need, if he truly doesn't understand why you need to do that, then you both need to reevaluate things. That is something he should not question, and just understand.
  • m60kaf
    m60kaf Posts: 421 Member
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    It's tough when it takes you 8 years to realise you are with the wrong person.

    All part of the weight loss and the regaining of self esteem I always think
  • sculley
    sculley Posts: 2,012 Member
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    I agree. You should be allowed that time. And I would hope your mother in law would understand. It's not like your forcing him to go with you or anything.
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
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    His mother is a mother and a daughter. She will not be "devistated" if you honor your mother, and if she was I personally would never honor his mother again. If she loves you so very much she will understand the connection that you have to your mother. If your husband doesn't understand then let him see to his mother and his needs (because that's what it really amounts to) and you see to your mother and your needs. When he asks you how long you will be the simple answer is "I will take the time I need to honor the woman who loved me and raised me, and before and after I will spend with your mother and you." Let him know in advance when you plan on leaving, and leave at that time regardless of what else is going on.
  • chatipati1
    chatipati1 Posts: 211 Member
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    I can see his point in stopping to care for his mother...But But But, no one would stop me from going to my moms grave. You don't have to spend hours there...just like plant a flower and do this for you. Your mother was of importance to you just as his still is to him. I would tell him..for eight years we have been spending it with your mom, and I understand you want to be there. I need to go to the grave to pay respects to my mom. We can leave and come back...or I can leave and comeback after planting a flower. If he doesn't understand..then he has a problem...
  • heidihurl
    heidihurl Posts: 139 Member
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    She's not your Mom.
    I have a similar situation.... Go spend some time with your Mom. Listen to the birds chirping, enjoy the breeze and be at peace.

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