Already... a Mother's Day argument with my husband.
MissingMyOldSelf
Posts: 689 Member
And I'm not even a mom, except to four-legged furry babies.
Please be my voice of sanity, mfp family!
After no discussion whatsoever, my husband told me that on Saturday, after his sister leaves his mom's, "we" are spending the weekend with his mother at her house to help take care of her after her minor surgery. (Technically, all she had done was a re-stitch of an old hernia surgery) His plan: to be at her house by noon on Saturday, and stay until around 9pm Sunday night, cooking dinner, taking care of her, waiting on her hand and freaking foot, never letting her raise her arms over shoulder height, ... all that bull___. My first thought, it's Mother's Day, but .... when do I get to go to the cemetary to spend time with MY mom??? Ever since I've been with my husband (8 years), we have spent all of our Mother's Days with HIS mom. Not once have I gotten to go to the Cemetary and visit my mom. We've always been "too busy." (Once, I went the weekend after mother's day. I just feel like a sh!tty daughter if I go after.) Well, after mentioning that I was going to the cemetary, he kinda huffed and said, "Well,.... how long will you be?" Excuse me a-hole, but Mother's day isn't just about the Mom's that are WITH us. I'm so angry, flushed, shaking ,etc...... Am I overreacting???
Please be my voice of sanity, mfp family!
After no discussion whatsoever, my husband told me that on Saturday, after his sister leaves his mom's, "we" are spending the weekend with his mother at her house to help take care of her after her minor surgery. (Technically, all she had done was a re-stitch of an old hernia surgery) His plan: to be at her house by noon on Saturday, and stay until around 9pm Sunday night, cooking dinner, taking care of her, waiting on her hand and freaking foot, never letting her raise her arms over shoulder height, ... all that bull___. My first thought, it's Mother's Day, but .... when do I get to go to the cemetary to spend time with MY mom??? Ever since I've been with my husband (8 years), we have spent all of our Mother's Days with HIS mom. Not once have I gotten to go to the Cemetary and visit my mom. We've always been "too busy." (Once, I went the weekend after mother's day. I just feel like a sh!tty daughter if I go after.) Well, after mentioning that I was going to the cemetary, he kinda huffed and said, "Well,.... how long will you be?" Excuse me a-hole, but Mother's day isn't just about the Mom's that are WITH us. I'm so angry, flushed, shaking ,etc...... Am I overreacting???
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Replies
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ummm id be pissed too! it needs to be a 50/50 split. my husband doesnt really care to go see his mom bc things have been rocky but he has the choice. have u talked to him about it? men really need things spelled out sumtimes....0
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If you need to got to the cemetery to connect with your mom, no, you are not over reacting. He should show a little respect, just like you have to his mom over the years.0
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You should be able to honor your mother, even if it is just for her memory. You seem very upset about what is going on, and if it were me I would be too. Try to express how you feel about wanting to give your mothers memory the respect she deserves and would like to visit her on that day. Try to think of ways to work around both ideas. Also think of it another way, you have a mother-in-law. She does need time but if you explain to her your feelings for wanting to see your mothers grave she may be able to make your husband understand. I mean if the shoe was on the other foot how would they react? Good luck and I wish you peace in all the stresses.0
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I have talked with him, and all he can say is that his mom would just be devastated if we didn't spend the day with her. Well, that's fine and dandy.... but you can't give me a freaking hour to go and sit with my mom?
I don't know..... it just blows my mind how "up her *kitten*" he can be sometimes. Maybe he just feels like we need to bend over backwards since she just had surgery yesterday, but like I said, it was very minor. I can see spending maybe the morning and some of the afternoon with her, or the mid afternoon to early evening with her, but really? 36 hours??0 -
Sometime, the umbilical chord has to be cut. I won't say much more since I have already said a lot regarding this. He's a big boy, and it's his mom. Let him take care of her all by himself like a big boy. If he asks again how long, tell him as long as you want and as long as you need. You need this for yourself, so don't let anything interfere. My wife and I have great understandings on everything, and if we don't we work it out. After all, it is a partnership, and partners should be equal.0
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Thank you guys for your input. There's been many times where I've second-guessed my feelings and thoughts about this, year after year, and I think this crazy b!tch has finally snapped
I also have a problem where I can't do confrontations very well. I'm the type where AFTER the incident has occurred, I think "DAMMIT! I should have said................" But I think this year, it's all going to be different.
And Alastor, the "umbilical cord" phrase has been used by me and my friends since the day before we got married LOL! 0 -
hi sweetie, im sorry im in the same boat but i dont go on mothers day. i go all thru the year but i have kids also so maybe its because i get to spend it with them also. i would do what you need to do. you have given enough time for him. I think I will go visit my mom saturday instead of sunday though. but my husband has always been supportive event though he cant possibly understand what its like not to have both of your parents around. just tell him that you need to spend some time with your mom at the cemetery and he will have to understand and visit his mom on his own if he doesnt want to go with you. hell Ron has gone to the cemetery to visit my parents, on his own without prompting mind you, ( yes he can be amazing sometimes) and he never even got to meet them!0
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hi sweetie, im sorry im in the same boat but i dont go on mothers day. i go all thru the year but i have kids also so maybe its because i get to spend it with them also. i would do what you need to do. you have given enough time for him. I think I will go visit my mom saturday instead of sunday though. but my husband has always been supportive event though he cant possibly understand what its like not to have both of your parents around. just tell him that you need to spend some time with your mom at the cemetery and he will have to understand and visit his mom on his own if he doesnt want to go with you. hell Ron has gone to the cemetery to visit my parents, on his own without prompting mind you, ( yes he can be amazing sometimes) and he never even got to meet them!
Hi Anna
I try to go throughout the year, but I don't get to go as much as I'd like, thanks to my work schedule. I've been working 50-60hrs a week, the cemetery is 30 min away, and everything gets pushed to the weekends, and by the time I have a free moment, it's already Sunday, 8pm.
Ron IS an amazing guy You've got yourself an awesome keeper! My hubby has always said that he wishes he could have met my mom.... but on one of the few days a year (maybe 3) where it really counts, it seems like it always gets pushed to the backburner. It hurts...... 0 -
You should just put your foot down and tell him you are going to go to the cemetary to visit your mom, sounds like it is something you need to do for yourself and the memory of your mom, your husband can handle things with his mom while you are gone, his mother should more than understand! Good luck and hope your mothers day turns out wonderful!0
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I think it's nice he's going to help his mum out, but that's on him, not you. I also do think it's fair enough that he expects you to go with him. I would too, but you should still be able to do what you want - if he has to stay in to wait on her, that's for him to do, not you. If you need to go to the cemetery then he, if anything, should be coming with you. I'm sure his mum can handle being alone for a while without constant supervision...0
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Once you get to your MILs house, is it possible to sneak away for a bit to go to the cemetery? That way your husband is at his mother's the whole time he wants to be, and you also get time to visit your mom? I can't imagine anyone having a problem with you leaving for a bit.
I have also lost my parents, and Mother's Day and Father's Day are so hard. But if you are planning to have kids, these holiday's get so much easier once you are the mother that everyone is celebrating!0 -
My mum died when I was 10 and I think it's difficult to people who haven't lose a significant family member to understand how important it is for these events. I don't actually visit the cemetery where my mum is at all because I still find it too difficult and she was cremated and there is no marker. I really think you need to spell out to your husband what it means to you and say that you are happy to visit his mother but that you need some time for yourself to think about your mum. If you don't explain how you feel, he won't guess0
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You aren't allowed to take some time in your day to see visit your mom's grave? That's kind of ... insane. If he's staying at his mom's all day, I see absolutely no reason you can't go to the cemetery for a couple hours to do whatever you need to do.
I hope he's more sensitive to your needs and feelings in other areas and this is mostly out of character for him.0 -
Sounds like hubby is going to his mom's house....Make sure to wave from the porch as he leaves for the weekend....0
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My father has passed, and I definitely understand wanting to go to the cemetery for a bit. Just go. Just go and sit there for as long as you need, if he truly doesn't understand why you need to do that, then you both need to reevaluate things. That is something he should not question, and just understand.0
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It's tough when it takes you 8 years to realise you are with the wrong person.
All part of the weight loss and the regaining of self esteem I always think0 -
I agree. You should be allowed that time. And I would hope your mother in law would understand. It's not like your forcing him to go with you or anything.0
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His mother is a mother and a daughter. She will not be "devistated" if you honor your mother, and if she was I personally would never honor his mother again. If she loves you so very much she will understand the connection that you have to your mother. If your husband doesn't understand then let him see to his mother and his needs (because that's what it really amounts to) and you see to your mother and your needs. When he asks you how long you will be the simple answer is "I will take the time I need to honor the woman who loved me and raised me, and before and after I will spend with your mother and you." Let him know in advance when you plan on leaving, and leave at that time regardless of what else is going on.0
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I can see his point in stopping to care for his mother...But But But, no one would stop me from going to my moms grave. You don't have to spend hours there...just like plant a flower and do this for you. Your mother was of importance to you just as his still is to him. I would tell him..for eight years we have been spending it with your mom, and I understand you want to be there. I need to go to the grave to pay respects to my mom. We can leave and come back...or I can leave and comeback after planting a flower. If he doesn't understand..then he has a problem...0
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She's not your Mom.
I have a similar situation.... Go spend some time with your Mom. Listen to the birds chirping, enjoy the breeze and be at peace.0 -
My husband and I don't spend Mother's Day together. He goes to see his mom and I go to see mine. We don't have children, so we don't need to celebrate my motherhood. It seems to work pretty well for us. Is there a reason that you and your husband need to both spend Mother's Day with his mom?0
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It's simple really...you go do your thing, he goes and does his thing.
I don't get what's so difficult about this??0 -
I can see both sides of this, but i also had wonderful advice when growing up...watch how a man treats his mother and you will have a good gage on how he will treat his wife. Sounds like a keeper to me lol. Maybe if you took the time to visit you mother's grave at a different time it would help keep the peace. Your mom would understand and your husband will appreciate the effort. Hope this helps.0
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ummm id be pissed too! it needs to be a 50/50 split. my husband doesnt really care to go see his mom bc things have been rocky but he has the choice. have u talked to him about it? men really need things spelled out sumtimes....
^^^^ This. MEN really do need things spelled out that's the biggest problem in my marriage I will say something in a nice way and he will never get it I literally have to be mean blunt sometimes... and then he complains about how mean I am I have to go hunny remember yesterday when I said this and then I said this and that....uh yea...well I was trying to talk to you about it.....OH...
UGH... lol0 -
I have talked with him, and all he can say is that his mom would just be devastated if we didn't spend the day with her. Well, that's fine and dandy.... but you can't give me a freaking hour to go and sit with my mom?
I completely understand b/c my mom has passed also so i Spend Every Mother's Day at her grave with Fresh flowers.....He's Ur husband yes and he doesnt understand what it is to lose a mom But he should Respect what u want to d and try and sympathize with U! If he cant than say fuk it and go Anyway.this is about Loyalty to ur mom...
If HE wants to go spends days with HIS mom then he ca go alone,...jus like U going to Ur mom's grave Alone!
Im going to see my mom's grave Sunday and she's 2 hours away !!! But its important and my kids look forward to it (even tho she died when I was 9 yrs old)
Go to Ur mom...U will feel sooooo much better once U do! 0 -
I say go to your mom in law's, and take a couple hours while there to go visit your mom. You could present this as private bonding time for mother and son, but you're there to help him for most of the time. This way you both win.0
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I can see both sides of this, but i also had wonderful advice when growing up...watch how a man treats his mother and you will have a good gage on how he will treat his wife. Sounds like a keeper to me lol. Maybe if you took the time to visit you mother's grave at a different time it would help keep the peace. Your mom would understand and your husband will appreciate the effort. Hope this helps.
He isn't exactly treating his wife very well ...
How in the world do you see "both sides"?? She wants an hour or two out of the day to honor her mother and he won't give her the respect and understanding to do so.
Like I said before, I hope this is not a pattern with him and it really is just this one thing that's an issue.0 -
you go to cementery
he goes to visit his mom
solved
it's mother's freakin day, she is not your mother0 -
And I'm not even a mom, except to four-legged furry babies.
Please be my voice of sanity, mfp family!
After no discussion whatsoever, my husband told me that on Saturday, after his sister leaves his mom's, "we" are spending the weekend with his mother at her house to help take care of her after her minor surgery. (Technically, all she had done was a re-stitch of an old hernia surgery) His plan: to be at her house by noon on Saturday, and stay until around 9pm Sunday night, cooking dinner, taking care of her, waiting on her hand and freaking foot, never letting her raise her arms over shoulder height, ... all that bull___. My first thought, it's Mother's Day, but .... when do I get to go to the cemetery to spend time with MY mom??? Ever since I've been with my husband (8 years), we have spent all of our Mother's Days with HIS mom. Not once have I gotten to go to the Cemetery and visit my mom. We've always been "too busy." (Once, I went the weekend after mother's day. I just feel like a sh!tty daughter if I go after.) Well, after mentioning that I was going to the cemetery, he kinda huffed and said, "Well,.... how long will you be?" Excuse me a-hole, but Mother's day isn't just about the Mom's that are WITH us. I'm so angry, flushed, shaking ,etc...... Am I overreacting???
I'm pretty sure he is a big boy and if he wants to spend the weekend doing that for his mother, he certainly can, unless YOU were going to do everything and he was just going to sit around taking credit for it all. I say go to spend as much time as you need at the cemetery, your husband and his mother will still be there when you are done.0 -
This will be my fiance's first mother's day without his mom who passed last Septemeber. What does his dad decide to do? Spend it with the new woman he met online and HER kids....my guy is super pissed and hurt.0
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