my friends do not support my weight loss
jrwatson87
Posts: 66
I didn't realize how big of an issue this would be in adopting a healthy lifestyle, but my friends always sabotage my weight loss. At home, I am goood- cooking, exercising, drinking the 4 liters of water my body needs. However, I am in college, the world of binge drinking and eating out. I enjoy socializing, and I have had no problems with ordering a salad in the face of my friends and their burgers until they make sabotaging comments about how elitist I'm acting by not enjoying a burger with them. Or, when I bought small fries at McDonald's, they tell me I already fell off the diet bandwagon. There is no ONE way to diet. It is about being healthier; it is not about salad and water every single meal. Why can't they support my choices for a healthier lifestyle? I was wondering if anyone had any tips to stay strong in the face of discouragement. I don't want to be mean but I am ready to be selfish with the things I put into my body and start living for me.
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Replies
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Hey,
I can relate a lot to this and I find it incredibly frustrating and upsetting. It's such a difficult thing to change anyway without people trying to sabotage your weight loss. That being said, they may not be doing it deliberately but just don't realise the consequences of their behaviour.
I think you have every right to take the steps you need too in order to achieve a healthy lifestyle. Sometimes we all have to be selfish and it's not to be cruel, but you do have to look after yourself.
Hopefully in time your friends will see how unhelpful they have been and perhaps think about what they are saying in future. I guess it may be down to ignorance - like if it's not a massive problem for them or something they have considered, they probably don't realise how important it is to us.
I do try and stay away from certain friends who really encourage binging. I have one friend who loves to come over with a ton of sweets and is always nagging me to go to the shops with her and she will actively say to get "binge food" so slowly I have started to say, "No thanks". With other friends, over time I have gotten a little bit stronger. I try to think to myself how I will feel if I give in because of their pressure. I do still manage to eat out with most friends but I plan in advance.
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Welcome to the club. I was just castigated by someone because I worked out, "What do you want to do that for." It was on the tip of my tongue to yell, "AND THAT IS WHY YOU'RE OBESE" but it didn't fell off my tongue.
Baby girl it's not only weight loss or healthy lifestyle living that brings out the saboteurs in friends and family. I also experienced that when I decided to go college when I was 35, boy was I talked about like a dog. Then three months before earning my B.S. in Accountancy, those same friends/family members began giving me unsolicited advice on how to spend the money I would be earning ….on them. I decided I would only “hang” were I was celebrated and not just tolerated. Love me for who I am and what I’m doing; if not, let the door knob hit you were the good Lord split you.0 -
I understand too. Nobody really supports my weight loss except my husband and my mom.0
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So you're surrounded by a group of people who proclaim how important individuality and independence is, but tend to dress alike, think alike, and behave alike. And who don't know nearly as much as they think they do about nutrition, fitness, and health. In other words, college-age people. And that's not a slam, truly. It's just part of the normal development that we all go through.
So you're truly striking out on your own, and you're getting to see what happens when you choose not to follow the crowd. It ain't pretty, and there are a lot of ways to handle it, some more effective than others. Avoiding those people and dropping them as friends is one, and it may be what you ultimately feel is best for you.
The assertive way to handle it is to take the high road but in the warmest, most caring possible sense. Meaning: let the comments roll off your back, stay focused on your goals, and reassure your friends that you're not judging them and that you value them for who they are, not what they look like. Example for the "elitist" salad comment: *laugh* "Nah, I just really craved greens today. I figure my body is telling me it needs the vitamins." Example for the fries: "I dunno, I think the wagon has room for a little indulgence now and then. For me, though, 'now and then' needs to be less often than it used to. I wish I was one of those people who could get away with eating anything!"
You might also want to invite your friends to do things with you that don't involve food.0 -
You're not alone at all. I noticed most people who I tell about my weight loss either brush it off or think I'm not serious when I say NO I would not like a cookie, etc. A few people support me and have stopped trying to shove unhealthy foods in my face, but for the most part I find people who have bad habits want others to follow their bad decisions to make themselves feel better. Be strong. The more you say no, the easier it gets.0
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I hear you completely. I don't talk about my lifestyle changes in front of many of my friends, because (and here's the dirty secret) they see it as a judgement on their choices that I am losing weight and they are not. People do not like it when someone who used to be "one of them" decides to make a change, because it means that they could probably do it too and choose not to. Some of my friends are big foodies, and they aren't willing to cut out the unhealthy stuff even when they express interest in losing weight. So the fact that I'm shrinking bugs them. If I talk about it, they see it as bragging. So I try not to. My advice? When you want to talk about fitness, come to your MFP friends. When you want to go out with your friends, you don't need to talk to them about why you're eating what you're eating. If they rip on you for not getting a burger, tell them you enjoy salad, thankyouverymuch. Or, if you want a burger, work out hard earlier in the day and have a burger! It's ok once in awhile. If you want to hang out while they're drinking but not drink, order a soda water with lime. If you're holding a glass, in general no one will bug you (or so I've learned!) It's tricky but it's doable. The main thing is not to let unsupportive friends drag you down
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Dump them and never talk to them again.
YOU are the important one !
Congrats on your great decision to improve your health.0 -
I had a couple friends who didn't support my weightloss and healthy living choices and I decided I didn't need those friends.
My boyfriend is extremely supportive of not just myself, but him as well living a healthy lifestyle (we live together).0 -
Serious thanks to everyone's advice! I told them that health/weight loss is a very sensitive topic for me and I'd prefer if they didn't make comments about my eating habits. They seemed to respect what I said, and to one of the above posters, it does get easier the more you say no. I also love this website haha 0
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I hear you completely. I don't talk about my lifestyle changes in front of many of my friends, because (and here's the dirty secret) they see it as a judgement on their choices that I am losing weight and they are not. People do not like it when someone who used to be "one of them" decides to make a change, because it means that they could probably do it too and choose not to. Some of my friends are big foodies, and they aren't willing to cut out the unhealthy stuff even when they express interest in losing weight. So the fact that I'm shrinking bugs them. If I talk about it, they see it as bragging. So I try not to. My advice? When you want to talk about fitness, come to your MFP friends. When you want to go out with your friends, you don't need to talk to them about why you're eating what you're eating. If they rip on you for not getting a burger, tell them you enjoy salad, thankyouverymuch. Or, if you want a burger, work out hard earlier in the day and have a burger! It's ok once in awhile. If you want to hang out while they're drinking but not drink, order a soda water with lime. If you're holding a glass, in general no one will bug you (or so I've learned!) It's tricky but it's doable. The main thing is not to let unsupportive friends drag you down
I agree with Hannah, you are highlighting to them the stuff they know they should be doing and that makes them feel a bit guilty and probably a bit inadequate. It's easier to tease you and push it back at you than it is to say "you know what, you're right and I don't have what it takes to make the change right now". It's hard, a lot of my friends and work colleagues have poor food habits and I am still a long way from perfect, and nor do I want to be. But I do want to choose when I am bad with my food and that tends to be when I go out with my wife and children for a nice meal to a nice restaurant.
I'm just categoric about what I will eat when I am out and they soon got bored with making comments when they got a lack of response and now it passes almost unnoticed and if not unnoticed, uncommented upon!0 -
It's definitely really frustrating to not be able to be open about your weight loss goals. I'm a Resident Advisor at one of the dorms in my college, and I'm encouraged to abstain from talking about weightloss/nutrition because it may make people feel as if I'm judging them.
(Side note: I'm not gonna lie, I sometimes do judge some people for their poor choices. And I do get some satisfaction from knowing that over the past 7 months, I've developed a lot more self control than people who can't resist going for the huge burgers instead of a healthy smoothie at lunch. But I'm losing weight to make myself a better and healthier person, not to have a reason to judge others or to put myself above others. I'm trying to outdo myself, not the people around me.)
Don't ditch your friends. I hate the "they're not good enough for you" crap. Friends don't share 100% of their values, and that's ok. I'm glad you got the chance to talk to them about this!
Something I've found to be helpful is to change the way I say "no" to unhealthy food. Next time you're offered a cookie or you're ordering at a restaurant and somebody asks you why you don't eat more, instead of talking about your diet, say you're not that hungry, or that you're not really craving anything sweet. I started doing this about a month ago, and it has relieved a lot of the awkwardness that comes with eating with others. Plus, the more you SAY that you're not eating something unhealthy because you're not hungry, the more you'll grow to believe it
Best of luck! 0 -
It sounds like you need new friends.0
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Option 1: get new friends
Option 2: be more rude back to them then they are to you
Option 3: put forward a well thought out argument that shows why you are doing what you are doing and how it will work.0 -
Sounds like a really challenging situation, and I expect many of us have come across this. I have a family member who I visit regularly and she always says 'you look great and don't need to lose weight' and always has the most amazing food in, but then always asks 'how's the diet going?', 'how much weight have you lost this week?', 'it's okay, you're naturally big-boned' (which is, for the record, my least favourite phrase in the world). I love her dearly, but I wish she didn't have to comment!
With regards to your situation, I think it's great you order what you want to eat - shows real strength:) I would try and remember, their comments are down to their own insecurities, not yours. Whenever they say something, remind yourself of this. You are making an independent and smart decision to look after yourself... and I for one, commend you!0 -
I know how you feel but its with alcohol with my friends. They seem to think you're not wanting to have fun, but I don't need to consume half my daily calorie allowance as alcohol to have fun - so I don't! I've even considered claiming that I'm on antibiotics or similar just to get out of the pressure to drink, but then thought, no, I'm a grown up and will do as I think best!0
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So you're surrounded by a group of people who proclaim how important individuality and independence is, but tend to dress alike, think alike, and behave alike. And who don't know nearly as much as they think they do about nutrition, fitness, and health. In other words, college-age people. And that's not a slam, truly. It's just part of the normal development that we all go through.
Then I matured quickly, Im 23 and know a great deal about health and fitness. Most likely due to the fact that Ive been researching this a majority of my life.
Just like the poster I quoted said....invite them to do things that dont involve food0 -
I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been really focused on my diet and lifestyle for the past 8 months I have managed to lose quite alot of weight and feel great about myself. I have friends who I see regularly who just want to involve food when ever I socialise. I dont mind going out to eat but I would prefer to make healthier choices.
You have done amazingly and look great I can see how much weight you have lost. You carry on doing your thing and the odd treat is fine. Just keep at it and be proud xxx0 -
I've been in the same boat as you (although I'm not in college) and I've found myself sitting in a car trundling through a McDonald's drive thru, or drinking water at a bar on more than one occasion just to have an opportunity to socialise with my friends.
The more I've thought about it, the more I've refused to give in and eat a fast-food meal or drink that alcohol, I've noticed that the activities we do together are exceptionally one-dimensional. If I suggest anything even remotely active (even a walk around a shopping centre) it's shot down or delayed until I give up asking.
Maybe, like me, you need to find some folks who'll be happy doing something that has a fitness-and-health based benefit, without seeming like it's 'working out' or 'eating diet food.'0 -
My friends aren't remotely supportive either. I'm not the kind of person who won't go out at all while I'm losing weight, but when I don't get a starter and a dessert (I usually just have a main course) they start to make fun of me. When we're in the cinema they're always offering me junk food, and when they arrange things like BBQs round at their houses there's NOTHING I can eat there at all. I mean, just a salad would have done me absolutely fine!
The main thing that bugs me is the fact that they like going to all you can eat Chinese places. This is fine for me, because I can control myself enough just to have one plate and then stop. However, there are 4 in our town, ranging in price from £6 for a meal to £16 for a meal. They ALWAYS choose the £16 even though the food is pretty much the same. That bugs me, because I end up paying £16 for a small plate of food and a glass of water. The food is the same in all of them, and there is one for £6 literally across the road, yet they have to choose the one that costs me pretty much £20 once I've factored in travel costs. It's selfish.0 -
Unfortunately, a lot of people take it personally that you are on a diet, it is some sort of judgement on them that they should be on a diet. I've found it is usually just hurt feelings or denial and people express it through sabotage or disparaging comments. You being on a diet makes them take a harder look at themselves, and they are probably thinking they should be on a diet. The best thing you can do is just not get ruffled about it. It's not that they don't care, it's just that they are probably in denial. If you want, come up with some sort of casual jokes of your own next time they are poking fun at your lifestyle change. Or you can just sit down and try and have a heart to heart with them and say that getting fit is important to you and you would really like if they'd stop with the comments and instead support you.0
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Haven't read through all the posts here - first of all don't drop your friends over this as some suggested that's just a step too far - though no harm in making additional friends who are into healthy living. You just got to accept, that these friends, at this point in time anyway are not going to be friends for you in terms of healthy lifestyle choices. I'm sure they can be good friends for you in other ways though!
What you really got to address is your own reactions to negativity. I think if you know what you are about and are confident that the way you go about things is correct then negative things that people say will affect you less. It's when you doubt yourself that you can be got at imo. So to address this try to learn even more about healthy living, but only discuss this with people who are genuinely interested. To address your reactions.. just smile inwardly, shrug off the negativity. If I don't like what someone has said I'll almost act like I hadn't heard to the point where it really doesn't affect me - hence people usually don't give me a hard time as they know they are wasting their time- I almost never leave anyone get to me - my wife being the exception. I'll be honest when I was younger and less confident this wasn't the case, so you can always adapt your responses to suit YOU better!0 -
Friends can make it tough sometimes. I have to tell you, I wouldn't have handled the elitist remark well at all. "If I'm so d*mned elitist why the h*ll am I hanging out with YOU" yeah, that would have been VERY hard to contain, probably would have managed it, but only if I valued their friendship VERY highly.
Don't talk about your weight loss journey with them. If they ask how's it going just say "fine" and move on. If they comment on your food choices just say "it sounded good" and leave it at that. Eventually, if their intelligence and intuitive skills are worthy of college entrance, they'll drop the subject with you and hopefully the next thing they say will be "wow! you look fantastic!"
All the best to you.0 -
Your friends obviously don't get it. You don't have to give up "bad" foods entirely to succeed. In fact, doing that can actually work against you, because you'll crave them more. Yes, you can lose maybe a couple more pounds a month by subsisting on grilled chicken breasts and dry salad every day of your life. But you'll be miserable, and those cravings for the foods you enjoy but are denying yourself could end up fueling a full-on binge.
Example: I like pizza and craft beer. I don't have them as often as I used to, but I don't want to feel guilty about indulging from time to time. When I do, I try to work them into my daily calories. And, if I go a little bit over that day, I don't worry about it because I know I make up for it on other days.
As far as the peer pressure goes... don't let it get to you. YOU know you're doing the right thing for yourself, and if they have a problem with that, it's THEIR problem, not yours.
For those who deride you for the occasional splurge, you can try explaining how you're on a special diet that allows you to have french fries, and that you'd love to tell them about it. And then watch their eyes glaze over when you try to explain how MFP works. :-)0 -
Wow, and I thought it was just me. Ultimately you have to do what's right for you. Sometimes you have to trim the fat and if that's in the form of un-supportive friends, so be it. It's beyond me why people who claim to care about us can be so un-caring.
MFP is an amazing place to find true friends and although there may be some tough love from time to time, you can bet your bottom dollar that we're all on the same page.
Respectfully tell them how it makes you feel when they pressure you like that and then if they don't respect (words&actions) that, trim the fat baby!
Good luck with this situation and feel free to add me as a friend if you'd like.0 -
I've noticed it appears that the older folks have suggested getting new friends. That suggestion comes from living life long enought to know and understand that a person usually can count on one hand the friends that last a lifetime.
A friend is someone who knows everything about you and still likes you. Some of the folks we call friends are just aquantences. In the world accourding to me, a friend will support the things that are good for you and cause you to grow and live life to the fullest.
Love desires to sacrifice self for the benefit of others; lust (I'm not talking about sexual lust) desires to benefit self and the expense of others. Find out if they love you:happy: or lust you:brokenheart: .0 -
Your situation and mine literally sound like the same thing word for word! I go to a school where most upperclass dorms have kitchens with the works: giant fridges, stoves, ovens, etc. I'm also in the middle of a major city so there are countless opportunities for sabotage. Everything my friends ever do revolves around going out to eat junk food. "Let's go get ice cream, lets go pig out on pastries." If I'm in a detemined mood I will often go with them and not carry cash so I'm not tempted. If I know I won't be able to resist, though, I will often make excuses - say I have too much work to do, or I need to "take a nap" (read: go to the gym) - and meet up with them later. Remind yourself that regardless of what they say, YOU are making the right choices, YOU are going to live longer, YOU are going to be healthier!
Please, add me - hopefully we can get through this together!0 -
... until they make sabotaging comments about how elitist I'm acting by not enjoying a burger with them. Or, when I bought small fries at McDonald's, they tell me I already fell off the diet bandwagon. ... Why can't they support my choices for a healthier lifestyle? I was wondering if anyone had any tips to stay strong in the face of discouragement. I don't want to be mean but I am ready to be selfish with the things I put into my body and start living for me.
Explain that you need to do this for you, and that you aren't asking anyone else to change a thing about themselves, but you need to make these changes. If they continue in their attempts to sabotage your weight loss, you have a choice to make. Toughen up and ignore the few bad moments and enjoy the rest of the time you spend with them, or find different people to hang out with who are more supportive.
You'll find this kind of sabotage in everything you try to do in life. This is a good time to learn to set boundaries and accept the consequences of doing so. Either pick new friends and deal with the hassle of that, or assert some boundaries with your current ones and deal with whatever level you can get them to accept the boundaries at.0 -
I work in an office with some very competitive and very overweight women. I lost 3 stone last year and have gained back about a stone (I wasnt doing it the healthy way).
This week so far I have been cristised for spending too much money on the gym (this was from a SMOKER of all people) laughed at for not eating a muffin and told I would regert not eating a pizza if i died tommorow.
Response:
The gym is an invetment in myyself - I dont set fire to my money only my thighs.
Laughed right back when someone sat on part of their muffin in white trousers (hehe)
If i died tommorow, pizza would have been the last thing on my mind and on the day my life does come to an end, I can confidentley say I did my best to stay around as long as possible.
So ner.ner
Sorry - b*****s in the office who try and bring me down, it only makes me work HARDER.
Keep going guys Its all about YOU! 0 -
Sorry about those terrible typing errors, slightly irate!0
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I tend not to tell people that I'm "dieting" or even trying to lose weight. If I do, I find that quite a few of them try to undermine me. My husband and children know that I am logging calories (pretty obvious at home) and trying to work out more. No one else needs to know. I am visibly thinner and if anyone asks if I'm on a diet, I truthfully say "no".
I get my support from my family and from MFP.0
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