Wanting to be back with ex-fiance

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  • xHelloQuincyx
    xHelloQuincyx Posts: 884 Member
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    only you can answer this. i would say if you both still have feelings for each other give it another try. your gonna have to grow up though, you cant break off an engagement after one fight. find a different way to communicate with each other.
  • Abigaillee15
    Abigaillee15 Posts: 100
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    I personally feel like people break up for a reason. Getting back together may seem like a good idea, but I would honestly take some time to figure out if it's what's best. Sometimes wanting something and deserving something aren't always the same. You're still young, and people change. If y'all are still living together this would make growing as an individual very difficult. Is there any way you could move out and reevaluate then make a decision?
  • Gemma1317
    Gemma1317 Posts: 18 Member
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    I had a soulmate at your age too. Guess what? I'm not married to him today and thank goodness for that!

    Me too! I didn't start living until I split up from the man who I thought was the love of my life. I'm sure meeting someone so young works for some people but if the relationship is already troubled it doesn't look good. I think if you need to ask the opinions of strangers then maybe you know in your heart things aren't right. Good luck with what ever you decide :-)
  • Christina1007
    Christina1007 Posts: 179 Member
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    Babe, I think that, regardless of what people will tell you or your family for that matter, you are still going to do what you want. The issue now lies whether you are going to do the right thing or not. Alcohol can make people act crazy and do things that they regret or that they wouldn't normally do when sober.

    Let him get help first, he really needs that sorted before you even consider taking him back.
  • erosales0117
    erosales0117 Posts: 21
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    Sounds to me you already have your mind made up even before you posted this. People are giving you good advice and you reply with "he's my sole mate" So if you don't want to take anybody advice you should keep quiet instead of wasting peoples time. At the end you are going to do what ever you want. Also even if you say you didn't force him into therapy you did, but you just don't see it. If you didn't bring it up he wouldn't be in therapy now. You're family is never going to approve of him because he already lost the trust and it's harder for family to forget and forgive. You are the same age that I had my daughter and I was in an abusive relationship because I loved him, but all he did was abuse me and have me financially support him. I'm so glad I'm not in that relationship and ended it before it was to late. If you are living with him now and are paying for everything because he can't hold a job, we guess what? He's going to get on your good side so you keep supporting him and will use you and you will be hurt, but will support him because you "love" him. That's the cycle and it's only going to end once you say no and never look back.
  • sexforjaffacakes
    sexforjaffacakes Posts: 1,001 Member
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    this is a really old thread, wth?

    Just checked date, apparently it's not, but either this is an exact replica of a previous thread or something weird happened in the system o.o
  • Ocarina
    Ocarina Posts: 1,550 Member
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    The guys a complete dead beat and you are throwing your life away at 19. NINETEEN. You are still a kid. Why do you want to live a drama fest so badly? Life gives enough of it to you already as you get older. You deserve better.... this dead beat is not going to change and you are just enabling him to keep acting the way he is.

    Life is no fairy tale. It's what you make of it.
  • juicy011
    juicy011 Posts: 200 Member
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    You're never too young to be in love. Let him sort his stuff out, then possibly you guys can work things out once he's on the right path. If he changes for the better, your family will likely give him another chance. Good Luck
    You are nineteen years old and you live in America. You haven't even lived a quarter of your life expectancy. How can you expect to know what you want?

    Get a new place and find someone new when you're not looking. There is way too much more to do in life.
    -wtk

    I live in the UK, and too me he feels like he is my soulmate - there are so many times that our paths crossed before actually meeting, and I feel like im losing my one and only! ♥
  • sarafil
    sarafil Posts: 506 Member
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    I had a soulmate at your age too. Guess what? I'm not married to him today and thank goodness for that!

    Oh my god, me too!
  • sexforjaffacakes
    sexforjaffacakes Posts: 1,001 Member
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    ok I know you're not in highschool but couldn't resist

    oh-youre-in-highschool-and-already-engaged-you-guys-will-be-in-love-forever.jpg
  • kjones3535
    kjones3535 Posts: 139
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    You are wasting your time. There are too many things that he needs to change for you to get back together with him. Just find someone you don't need to change. The anger issues only get worse! Some of the other posters suggest getting your own place and that is a great idea. I cannot imagine living with an ex. You never get any time away to really find out who you are and what you want in life.

    Good luck.
  • Bikerjewelz
    Bikerjewelz Posts: 67 Member
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    I'm sorry to be judgemental here, but I am fresh out of a 12 year marriage that was emotionally abusive with multiple promises of change...
    You say he seeked help after he knew there was no chance of you getting back together.. But you never left the situation, so he is still hanging onto maybe and is in honeymoon phase of proving to you he's worth it.
    Over 12 years, I left numerous times, and every time "he changed" and it was going to be different... Sure, for a month. He could hold the new behavior just long enough to get me back.

    It doesn't sound like this is ALL him... And it wasn't with us either.. He brought out the worst in me. We were toxic from day one, I just didn't see it, because I was 19,and thought, we'll when it's good, it's great!!

    I have been with the man of my dreams for 8 months now, and in retrospect, my ex and i were NEVER good, my basis for comparison was skewed. Now I know how its SUPPOSED to be, and I'm 32 years old! Don't waste those years on someone who is not worth it.. Trust me, you can't get them back.

    Onward and upward! Go find Mr. Right!!
  • AnninStPaul
    AnninStPaul Posts: 1,372 Member
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    Sorry but the guy sounds like a bum. You pretty much laid out the beginning signs of a future abuser and he can't even hold down a job. Easier said than done, but just walk away and dont look back. You'll find someone better if you up your standards.

    ^^^THIS.

    If being with him separates you from your family and other people who care about you, it's also separating you from a support system that you will need when the **** really hits the fan. Then you become one of the many trapped in an abusive relationship because you feel like "he's the only one who cares" and you "don't know where to go".
  • SnookiBaby92
    SnookiBaby92 Posts: 85
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    Sounds to me you already have your mind made up even before you posted this. People are giving you good advice and you reply with "he's my sole mate" So if you don't want to take anybody advice you should keep quiet instead of wasting peoples time. At the end you are going to do what ever you want. Also even if you say you didn't force him into therapy you did, but you just don't see it. If you didn't bring it up he wouldn't be in therapy now. You're family is never going to approve of him because he already lost the trust and it's harder for family to forget and forgive. You are the same age that I had my daughter and I was in an abusive relationship because I loved him, but all he did was abuse me and have me financially support him. I'm so glad I'm not in that relationship and ended it before it was to late. If you are living with him now and are paying for everything because he can't hold a job, we guess what? He's going to get on your good side so you keep supporting him and will use you and you will be hurt, but will support him because you "love" him. That's the cycle and it's only going to end once you say no and never look back.


    If you read my message thanking everyone for their replies, then yeah I am taking on board people's opinions, and advice.... wasting peoples time? I never asked for you to come on and reply to this thread did I? I posted it because deep down I know myself that me and him will never work but there was that hope left in me that it could.
  • SnookiBaby92
    SnookiBaby92 Posts: 85
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    I'm sorry to be judgemental here, but I am fresh out of a 12 year marriage that was emotionally abusive with multiple promises of change...
    You say he seeked help after he knew there was no chance of you getting back together.. But you never left the situation, so he is still hanging onto maybe and is in honeymoon phase of proving to you he's worth it.
    Over 12 years, I left numerous times, and every time "he changed" and it was going to be different... Sure, for a month. He could hold the new behavior just long enough to get me back.

    It doesn't sound like this is ALL him... And it wasn't with us either.. He brought out the worst in me. We were toxic from day one, I just didn't see it, because I was 19,and thought, we'll when it's good, it's great!!

    I have been with the man of my dreams for 8 months now, and in retrospect, my ex and i were NEVER good, my basis for comparison was skewed. Now I know how its SUPPOSED to be, and I'm 32 years old! Don't waste those years on someone who is not worth it.. Trust me, you can't get them back.

    Onward and upward! Go find Mr. Right!!


    I know that feeling without the marriage and the 12 years... me & my other serious ex was together for almost 4 years and not because we loved eachother, was a horrible and emotional wreck of a relationship, must just be me! I bring the worst out in people :( x
  • Pinoy_Pal
    Pinoy_Pal Posts: 281 Member
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    Oh sweatheart, you're only 19...you have ample opportunity to find someone much more deserving of you. I'm sure you can find someone soooo much better. Find someone who showers you with love and happiness instead of anger, doubt, and misery. Best of luck to you :o]
  • beskimoosh
    beskimoosh Posts: 375 Member
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    I really feel for you, I had a similar situation when I was only 16, so I know how hard it is!

    I agree with the people who are saying that you need to remove yourself from the situation and live your own life for a while. It's amazing how different you feel after a few months away from someone and a situation. If in 6 months he's kept up these changes and you both still want to be together, then try again, but give it the chance. That way, you can see if his change is for real, and if this is really what you want.

    It's so easy to get caught up in a relationship when you're still in the middle of it. People are telling you not to drink.go out etc, I personally think that's a normal part of being your age, but you need to do it all without him. I know this sounds patronising, but I'm only 3 years older than you and I have changed more than I thought possible in that time, so you need time to ginto your own person.

    Whatever you do, be careful. People can change, but you need to prioritise your safety over everything.
  • deadbeatsummer
    deadbeatsummer Posts: 537 Member
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    If it's meant to be, it's meant to be - if he truly is your soulmate as you put it then you will somehow end up together whether or not you leave it for a few years.

    You are way to young to be getting married and your relationship moved way too fast - 18 years old, engaged after a month - sounds like a recipe for disaster. Save yourself further heartbreak and focus on yourself for a while.
  • Lyadeia
    Lyadeia Posts: 4,603 Member
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    Hi All,

    So a little background information here:

    I met him a few days before I turned 18 and we started talking and getting closer and a few weeks later we were going out, a month later he proposed and we were engaged! (both families were happy!).... 8-9 months later, we got a flat and moved in together (very stressful times)... on my 19th birthday I had a friend up who I hadnt seen for years and we were having a little drink and a laugh my Fiance had had to much to drink and I was nipping at him for it - things kicked off and he ended up smashing our coffee table, by trying to flip it - police were involved and that caused major *kitten* between my family and him! we tried to to stay together but with his anger and lack of trying to get help we fell into same patterns as before and our arguin got worse e.g. lashing out, pushing eachother....

    Anyways we have been split for a while, but are still living together - I love him, he loves me but we aren't together he is currently getting counselling for his anger and I have been going out and enjoying partying, drinking etc... I have got to the stage now my life feels empty without being with him! My family absolutely detest him, but that doesnt stop me wanting a future with him, we did talk about getting back together if he sorted his temper tantrums and if he got a job and could hold it down (some extra pressures that we were having while together)

    Is it possible that people can change? and if so how do I tell my family if and when I decide if we get back together... so confused! :cry:

    Here's my take on things without reading everyone else's, so sorry if what I say has been said over and over again on the previous 4 pages...

    Your story sounds very familiar...like nearly identical to the one that I have between me and my ex-fiance Gabriel. Only we went out for 4 years, and there hints of his weird anger issues throughout that I ignored, right up until the very end...

    After we broke up, I had the same feelings as you (he's my soulmate, my one and only, etc.) And I wanted him back in my life soooo bad (even though we were right there together, just not "together"). I would cry and pout and basically felt miserable and empty without him. And then...one day...(well, not all of a sudden, but you know what I mean) I decided that I would listen to everyone else who was telling me to just live my life and not worry about him anymore. That if we were "meant to be together" that it would happen...

    And when I started going out with Justin, things changed. Like, literally overnight. Snap, things changed. I found out that even though I *thought* Gabriel was my soulmate, I was wrong. Even though he also went to counseling for his anger issues and started working his own life out and finally found a job that he kept more than 3 months (true story...he couldn't keep a darn job to save his life before!) I just decided that I didn't need all that drama!!! Me and Justin have just as many things in common as me and Gabriel, we have just as much if not more fun when we go out, and guess what else? No anger issues and no drama, so I felt nothing but love and compassion from him. I didn't have to "work at it" or worry about if he'd get mad at me like Gabriel did, especially when we drink.

    And I've been married to Justin for almost a year now. I haven't seen Gabriel since 2008, and those feelings that I once thought that I had, are no longer there. I was attaching myself to a dream instead of letting go of someone that wouldn't have worked out in the end.

    Sure, your guy can change if he wants to. But instead of trying to make a relationship work based on CHANGING HIM, find someone new that DOESN'T NEED TO CHANGE to be everything you want and need in life. You will BOTH be better off because of it!!!

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