Divorce

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24

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  • jbella99
    jbella99 Posts: 596 Member
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    Make everything you do about you for awhile even if it feels completely selfish. Find yourself and wht you want in life.

    And it will get easier. It's hard but well worth it.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,793 Member
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    Just the tip?
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
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    Have fun doing all the things you fantasized you would do if you were divorced while married. For me: hog the remote and watch really girlie **** on tv nonstop. Sleep in the center of the bed with ALL the covers. Toilet seat down, all the time. Pedicures again - my money, my business. Sleep in on Saturdays and hire someone else to clean the house.

    In reality: (1) Build your retirement as quickly as possible. For me the *kitten* got half of mine - which wasn't enough to begin with. Once I paid off the lawyers, I started putting every remaining cent towards retirement. Somebody has to take care of your hoard of cats when you die (kidding.)
    (2) Get your credit checked and look at EVERYTHING you and your ex-spouse have in common. Make sure things that are now the other's responsibility are OFF your credit - even if the divorce decree says it's the other's responsibilty - LENDERS DONT CARE. Its still yours - you can file the ex in contempt of court (the decree) and they can go to jail, but the debts are still your responsibility. Monitor that **** like its your life. Your future ability to do anything is dependent.
    (3) Remember what was fun about you before you met your ex. Do that alot. Get together with your friends (but don't bash or whine - let that be a fun zone that doesn't suck the joy out of the occasion for everyone). Go do stuff. Get out. All those friends that are just casual acquaitenances? Start planning lunches, dinners, movie dates, nights out, etc. Your social circle probably got all ****ed up - time to rebuild it.
    (4) Dont' call your ex, any friends that are now exclusively his/her domain, and none of your in-laws unless its CRITICAL (like if you have tax or medical **** that needs dealt with). Leave it alone. Everybody needs to heal - not just you and your ex. Those that matter will reach out and you'll get some closure with them later once the dust settles.

    I think that does it.

    ^^^ all of it. And don't wait on it...just do it.
  • BAMFMeredith
    BAMFMeredith Posts: 2,829 Member
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    Thank you so much! I tell my boys all the time how much I love them. He is kind of hit or miss on coming to see them so I make sure they know I love them more than anything in the world and their Dad does too. The first few times I told them when he was coming and after he bailed a few times, now I just let it be a surprise so they are not let down.

    That's what I do with my son. His dad will come in town (he lives halfway across the country right now) to see him regularly for a while, then bail for a month or 2...it's kind of a long story. But when my son asks I just tell him I'm not sure when his dad will be back but he loves him and misses him. Being sure not to talk poorly about the absent parent is really important. As many awful things as I could say about him, I never say any of those things in front of my son and I just remind him that both his parents love him.
  • alphasigalum
    alphasigalum Posts: 86
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    I got divorced about 2 years ago. I thought my life was over, I also lost a job around the same time! Even though I wanted to throw in the towel and give up, I decided to focus on me. I went to a divorce group class and it helped. I also ended up meeting a great man that I am marrying in 2 weeks. (We have been dating for over a year). He is amazing and I know there is someone out there for you, just like I found my love!
  • zellagrrl
    zellagrrl Posts: 439
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    Remember who you are and take time to enjoy finding yourself again.
  • missingsocks
    missingsocks Posts: 24 Member
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    Thank you so much! I tell my boys all the time how much I love them. He is kind of hit or miss on coming to see them so I make sure they know I love them more than anything in the world and their Dad does too. The first few times I told them when he was coming and after he bailed a few times, now I just let it be a surprise so they are not let down.

    That's exactly what I have to do for my little boy. I'd rather let him be surprised that he came to pick him up, rather than let down when he doesn't show up like he said he would.
  • mdsjmom98
    mdsjmom98 Posts: 333 Member
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    Thank you so much! I tell my boys all the time how much I love them. He is kind of hit or miss on coming to see them so I make sure they know I love them more than anything in the world and their Dad does too. The first few times I told them when he was coming and after he bailed a few times, now I just let it be a surprise so they are not let down.

    Wise choice! My husband is a child of divorce, and his dad would let them down over and over. To this day his relationship is strained with his dad.
  • Bikini27
    Bikini27 Posts: 1,298 Member
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    Go through the grieving process. You'll be better for it and when new opportunities appear, you will be emotionally and physically able to accept the challenges. Divorce grief is similar to dealing with a death, with the added burden of dealing with any self directed hate. Find a good friend, a counselor, anyone that will hold your hand through the harder parts until you can stand on your own.

    There is no set amount of time for the process, we're all different. It took me about a year to get through the whole process (married 2.5 years, together 5) and to start being able to date happily. There will be emotional set backs, but they will not derail everything you've worked towards so long as you keep working towards a happier you.

    Best of luck and trust me, there's always light at the end of that tunnel! :flowerforyou:
  • nray3119
    nray3119 Posts: 100 Member
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    I got divorced about 2 years ago. I thought my life was over, I also lost a job around the same time! Even though I wanted to throw in the towel and give up, I decided to focus on me. I went to a divorce group class and it helped. I also ended up meeting a great man that I am marrying in 2 weeks. (We have been dating for over a year). He is amazing and I know there is someone out there for you, just like I found my love!
    Congratulations
  • nray3119
    nray3119 Posts: 100 Member
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    Go get some strange.
    Yes please lol
  • Bikini27
    Bikini27 Posts: 1,298 Member
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    Someone tell me it gets easier? Please....
    It will. With time.

    Yes, it does. It takes time, but you'll get there. :heart:
  • fuhrmeister
    fuhrmeister Posts: 1,796 Member
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    I am not divorced. I come for another perspective...the "evil" Stepmother. My parents are also divorced in my 20’s and it still hurt.

    Actually I am blessed to have wonderful stepchildren. But My husband and I have a rule that we never talk bad about my boys mother. So I suggest not talking bad about your ex. That is not what your children need to hear. I have no idea why you divorced but I think for the sake of your children you should try to be a polite to him as possible. And one day if your kids do have a stepmother please realize we are not all the enemy. You don't have to like her but hopefully she will be a good person and you will be able to show her respect if she shows your respect.

    I am sorry that things didn't work out and I hope you and your children are able to heal and only grown stronger. Do forget to take some time for yourself when you can. You need to rejuvenate so you can keep up with your kids and all your new possibilities.


    Best wishes to you!
  • Myslissa
    Myslissa Posts: 760 Member
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    My only advice is if you have anything bad to say about your ex, do not do it in front of the children. Hopefully your ex will do the same. I have always told my kids that they cant have my opinion of their father, they have to form their own as they grew up.
  • nray3119
    nray3119 Posts: 100 Member
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    I just dont get why guys cant just keep it in their pants. Zip it up men!!
    I just worry that he cant be alone and my boys will just be introduced to so many women.
  • wickedcricket
    wickedcricket Posts: 1,246 Member
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    Get ALL your stuff out of the house when you leave- don't leave anything behind. Get the best lawyer you can afford & file first - GET EVERYTHING. DO NOT BE THE NICE GUY (this will bite you in the *kitten*, trust me)

    Don't look back, don't second guess.

    DO take care of yourself & DO something nice for yourself (manicure, new 'do)

    We're here for you!
  • Bikini27
    Bikini27 Posts: 1,298 Member
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    I just dont get why guys cant just keep it in their pants. Zip it up men!!
    I just worry that he cant be alone and my boys will just be introduced to so many women.

    Best option will be to speak to him about your concerns. Should he decide to have a conga line of ladies, then speak to your children about how to deal. It will not be easy, and a lot of times you'll want to break his face....avoid the glasses and plates, take a cookie sheet outside and beat it on a pole. My momma went through a number of cookie sheets....I missed the tutorial and lost the vindication of breaking a large glass by having to clean it up.
  • susieq101178
    susieq101178 Posts: 305 Member
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    I just dont get why guys cant just keep it in their pants. Zip it up men!!
    I just worry that he cant be alone and my boys will just be introduced to so many women.

    Tell me about it. My ex-husband had a new woman moved into his aparment and didn't even bother to tell me. Hello! I have a right to know about and preferably meet anyone my child will be spending entire weekends with . . . the big bonus was that he apparently forgot how his first child was "made" and had another on the way with his new gal within a year.

    I agree with what some of the others have said - try not to speak ill of dad around the kids. They will form their own opinions in time. It can be incredibly frustrating and painful at times, but you'll get through it. Best of luck to you!!
  • jcgrant43
    jcgrant43 Posts: 64
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    I just dont get why guys cant just keep it in their pants. Zip it up men!!
    I just worry that he cant be alone and my boys will just be introduced to so many women.

    Ahhh.....there's the tough one. Can you say anything? Should you say anything? Do you even have a right to say anything?

    It's not just the men, its the ladies too. My ex-wife....well, lets just say that there was a parade for a while. No easy answer there, but the boys will let him know what and whom they are comfortable with. My custody situation was 50/50 so the kids got a break from each of their parents for a period each month, and they never had to hear, "What does your father/mother say?" Whatever decision was made by the parent that had custody that week was the law. Which beat the heck out of my bickering parents! (Still married after 45 years, though nobody can figure it out! :smile: )

    Not that I'm a huge fan of divorce, but when your truly in the wrong life, its the best solution for everybody, including the kids. Others may disagree with that, but my life has been and continues to be wonderful since I started living, actually living! What a concept!

    It will all work out, your lads will grow to be fine young men and the sun will rise tomorrow morning.......

    All the best to you and yours.
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
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    I just dont get why guys cant just keep it in their pants. Zip it up men!!
    I just worry that he cant be alone and my boys will just be introduced to so many women.

    My daughters father and I had it put into our custody agreement that we each had the right to meet the others new partner before our daughter did, to just kind of get a bead on the other person and how comfortable we are with them meeting our daughter.

    AND because he did have a bit of a revolving door for a while with some REALLY REALLY poor choices, he now has to be in a solid committed relationship for at LEAST 6 months before introducing the woman to my daughter.

    Those are options you can talk to about him with.

    One of my friends, when he and his wife divorced, they both agreed they had to date another person for over a year (to show commitment and to not have people that don't work out constantly in the boys lives) before introducing them to the kids.

    I agree with that...for a few reasons, one...then the kids only meet the ones your and/or your ex are really working with/meshing with and two that way you have an opportunity to "date" the person and make it all about you and that person before you try to blend a whole family together.

    He gets to go out and date and she gets to go out and date and the kids stay with the other parent and don't stress about new "step parents" constantly waltzing in and out.

    Lauren

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