Jealous Mother
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I can only sympathise. My mum is exactly the same. I am lucky enough she lives 5000 miles away from me and we only meet once a year (read she arrives next week). Needless to say I am not looking forward to all the nagging malarkey :-/0
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I sympathize with you...after getting on MFP...reading people's struggles with family not being supportive...im starting to think my mom doesnt want me to lose weight.
Just the other day i talked to her on skype and she sounded so condescending when i talked about finally starting to lose weight . She turned the conversation back to her again.
i love her but i so dont trust her ....she seems to try to sabotage my every effort and each time i see her, she tries to 'feed me up' and then make horribly nasty comments about my weight.
something about moms and daughters.....i wonder why i get along so brilliantly with my dad.:frown:
and i live half way across the world from my parents!
The ones we love can be the kindest and the most cruel. They know where are sensitive places are. Stay true to your goals and just do it for you. She will catch on when she sees your committment. All the best!0 -
First of all -- congratulations on the progress. And wish you all the best for continued success.
Depending on the family culture -- some mothers take their role as "nurturing & feeding" to mean that if they don't give you all the food they think you should eat and spoil you on that front, they are not doing their "job".
For babies & growing children -- that is a normal pattern and leads to some good memories of "Mom's cooking".
As you grow older -- this change of role, where they are no longer able to "mother you" the same way, is sometimes hard to process.
What I would do is sit down (on a happy day) with mother and frankly talk to her about the goals you have. And at the same time let them know you love that they care about you, and always will want them to care.
Sometimes what also helps is if you take charge of some of the groceries and cooking. Make healthy choices for both of you.0 -
Isn't it weird that so many people who are overweight have family issues? Usually the mother?
I know for me, my mom is very...controlling. I have 2 other sisters and a brother but to me it seems like she only pulls this crap on me. Her and my sister will get on a diet and weight loss kick and so seriously over board. She once told me she had had only 400 calories that day and most of it was from coffee creamer...and she was PROUD of this. It made me sick really. And they would get fat free everything...not really understanding that fat free does not mean sugar free. And they would go out walking 3-5 miles EVERY DAY, even if they hurt. Even if it was raining. Even if it was cold...even if it was cold AND raining.
And I tried to explain to her that you have to eat a certain amount of calories a day. And how fat free does not mean fat free all the time. And that it is OKAY to take a day off if your body is hurting and in pain.
I told her she could log calories on here. She said I don't have time to sit around on the computer all day like you. That isn't going to make you lose weight. I said Well, this is how I do it. I personally need people to motivate me, to keep me going. I need that team work.
And I told her about BMR..and she says in this snide voice "How's that working for you? Let me know if you lose anything."
My mother is a recovered anorexic bulimic. When she was 17 she dropped down very fast in weight. I think in her mind...the less you eat, the more you do is taken to extreme. Yes I am all for the less you eat, the more you do...but eating less as in junk food, as in pizza, as in fast foods...Not eating less foods in general.
My mother is a know it all and stubborn. So if you disagree with her, get ready for a head butting match.
And she still gets hurt feelings when I refuse to move back to the same town as her. REALLY?
Even better..my dad told me, about 4 years ago...You won't make it to 30. We better start measuring you now because we will have to special order a coffin for you....
So how is that for support and love?0 -
You're not alone in this unfortunately!
My mom does the same thing and even criticized me as a parent because I was "taking time away from my daughter to exercise"
She's also made passive remarks about my smoking and actually, direct ones as well. "If you can't handle the stress of quitting, maybe you shouldn't" That was 3mos ago and I'm still smoke free
Just ignore it and maybe creating some space and distance is for the best.0 -
Alright, my mom is obese but doesn't look bad or anything. My sister and I are both working to get healthier. Problem is that Mom is very passive aggressive towards me and my weight loss and working out. She doesn't bother my sister about it cause Mom knows that my sister won't take it and they don't see each other as frequently.
Odd thing is Mom is ALWAYS bragging about our weight loss to her friends but then she acts out when it's just me and her. For instance, she'll offer me treats or leave them out where I can see them to try and tempt me and then gets annoyed at me for rejecting her offers. The most recent passive aggressive event was when she bought be this little sweater in a large. That was nice of her and everything and she explained that she got me a large because I have broad shoulders. Okay, fine. I understand that, I do have broad shoulders. However, before I even tried it on (I knew it would fit), she went and bought the EXACT same thing in a size larger ... just in case my shoulders were too broad.... Okay, I can fit shirts in smalls and mediums. My shoulders are not THAT large. WTH? I told her I wasn't that big and she got mad at me. I think she internalized this information as me saying that people that wear those sizes (large and extra large) are automatically big. I don't think that. My shoulders are NOT that broad though.
Mom also swore up and down that I would never be able to reach a size small because women in our family always have large chests and broad shoulders. My chest reduced though and when I told her that she was wrong, she just dismissed it.
She only makes nice comments when other people are around. She's very narcissistic and everything is about her. So if me and my sister are losing weight ... it's not about us, it's about how bad that makes HER look. Me and my sister talk about weight loss all the time and Mom asked my sister what she's doing to lose weight. My sister told her that she was eating better and trying to be more active then all the excitement in Mom went away. She doesn't want to watch what she eats or figure out an exercise regime for herself. That's fine, but don't be a jerk to your daughters that have made the choice to better to their bodies.
Deary you need to spend less time with Mom!!!!!!!!0 -
I can I tell you that if I hear one more person say that youll never be a certain size because your genes make you big...I swear ill scream!! I dont understand why they feel the need to be that way. Jealousy maybe.
They want to believe that so they don't have to take any responsibility for themselves. Why try if you'll always be fat, right?
It really irks them to see you proving them wrong. :flowerforyou:0 -
My mother spent the whole of my life making me feel bad about myself & my weight. I did not look so bad when I was a teenager & young 20s but ate into the fatness thing as I thought I already was.......until I got to over 300lb. Continuously Mum just kept having a go!! I have now lost 86lb & Mum spent the last year of her life unable to say anything about how I looked as she was just plain unable to say something nice! She died last month & I will not miss her barbs and unkindness but it was just as she was. As for me, I am enjoying life & the only person I listen to is me and anyone who says positive stuff!
Keep at it girl & tune out the negative!0 -
I sympathize with you...after getting on MFP...reading people's struggles with family not being supportive...im starting to think my mom doesnt want me to lose weight.
Just the other day i talked to her on skype and she sounded so condescending when i talked about finally starting to lose weight . She turned the conversation back to her again.
i love her but i so dont trust her ....she seems to try to sabotage my every effort and each time i see her, she tries to 'feed me up' and then make horribly nasty comments about my weight.
something about moms and daughters.....i wonder why i get along so brilliantly with my dad.:frown:
and i live half way across the world from my parents!
The ones we love can be the kindest and the most cruel. They know where are sensitive places are. Stay true to your goals and just do it for you. She will catch on when she sees your committment. All the best!
Thank you
youre right about those we love hurting us the most. grr:sick: have learned to not show her that im hurt. THAT took half my life:laugh: 0 -
Yea, it's crazy "Mother Dearest" always asks me to help her get "on track" with her diet when I come home from college but once I come home ... she never mentions it again. She swears up and down that she barely eats. A normal serving of whatever for lunch and then just a small snack for dinner because she doesn't have time.
Unfortunately for her, I'm not dumb. She's a closet eater. She absolutely does not understand nutrition at all. I don't think she understands that a tiny piece of food might have a large amount of calories connected to it (like cheese). I don't tell her any problems with my weight loss because she'll just act like I have an eating disorder or something.
Truthfully, I only stay around because she still supports me to a certain extent. Luckily, I graduate from college soon so I'll be able to get a job easier in the area I'm interested in. She's scared to death of that too. I'm pretty sure she'd be perfectly happy if I just stayed home and bummed of her and Dad for the rest of my life. This would mean that she could have a say in my every action. She about had a conniption when I got my car (cause she couldn't control where I went).
Crazy woman.... I'm pretty blunt with her when I don't like what she says or does. She's so opinionated ... yet knows nothing about the topics that she's opinionated about. I've learned from her to keep my mouth shut if I don't understand the subject backwards and forwards.0 -
I came back today to read some of these new postings. I am in awe at the amount of people that are going through these things with there mothers. I cant tell you that I am a perfect mom cause I am not. However I couldnt ever imagine treating my children that way. Like my husband and I have decided the cycle stops here. I lost my dad to cancer and lost my dearest friend. He never cared how big or small or tall or short I was. He loved me for nothing else except being me. I am so thankful for this group of people that can get comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Best wishes for getting healthy.
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Kacee, its the utter, naked, to-the-face truth. My uncle (her brother) last week is NOTORIOUS for being a flat-out *kitten*. Women are not allowed to have their own opinion, their own thoughts, etc - totally old school. If you dont share his same opinion, you get called every day female-related slanderous word. What he didnt anticipate was my immediate response of p!ss off and pull your head out of your *kitten* - who the hell do you think you are? Unfortunately he lives in a community in the south where women still get treated like second-class citizens.. well, I dont jive.... and I let him know it! He is another person who I choose never to have contact with again. I dont need toxic.Honestly speaking, my mother is just as horrible. For a list of reasons in addition to this, I stopped visiting her altogether. Its been almost a year. I dont need the negativity. I have enough of challenges in my life to work on and deal with and she is one less person in the picture.
Related or not, they have no right treating you like garbage.
This right here.
It took me lots of therapy to realize that I don't have to tolerate family when they are being downright mean and nasty.
You can choose how much or how little you want your mom in your life. If it takes you to say "Thanks, but my weight loss and methods aren't up for debate" - than so be it. I have family members that have health issues, but they don't do anything about it. It's frustrating, but there's really nothing you can do.
I tell my friends that right now I'm working on making MYSELF better, a better version of ME and *kitten* everyone else. I want to be a great example to my kids and am using the negative in my life to help me build healthy relationships with both of my children.
Good luck!
Same goes with my mother. Im sorry, but with all due respect with regard to moms holding the 'feeding and nuturing' instinct, I dont buy it. I grew up in a home where you must clean your plate, empty the large glass of milk and never say one word or complain about being full. When custody changed to my grandparents, they never gave me more than I could handle. They always said "if you get hungry later, you can eat the rest of it if you like, or just save it for tomorrow"... THATS THE WAY IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN!
When my 18 yr old daughter comes over, she knows she is home - I wont push the food on her, the drinks on her... she can get what ever she wants on her own without asking. And she chooses well - she likes the fact I dont push food on her the way my mother does (her grandmother)... Funny, the things you learn NOT to do are because of what you grew up with...0 -
I have a very similar mother. She will always point out the flaws and never point out what I am doing that is good. Especially when it comes to physical appearance. If I am heavy she has no problem pointing that out, but if I start losing weight it is ignored or I am discouraged with a indirect insult. And what I wear! I don't get compliments ever with what I wear. I do however get " are you really wearing that?". Or when I got my nose pierced. Didn't say anything but I heard she was telling other family members how gross it looked. To her its always about looks. She is a beautiful woman physically. So I always felt " never good enough". I have lost 20lbs recently. I haven't heard her say " nice job" or " well done". Or say how awesome it is I work out in the gym 5 days a week. She pretty much does that with all aspects in my life whether it be parenting or my career or whatever. She hasn't been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but a former therapist of mine said it sounded like she did. I am pretty sure of it. Please friend me if you want to talk. I truly understand how you feel about this.0
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I sympathize with you...after getting on MFP...reading people's struggles with family not being supportive...im starting to think my mom doesnt want me to lose weight.
Just the other day i talked to her on skype and she sounded so condescending when i talked about finally starting to lose weight . She turned the conversation back to her again.
i love her but i so dont trust her ....she seems to try to sabotage my every effort and each time i see her, she tries to 'feed me up' and then make horribly nasty comments about my weight.
something about moms and daughters.....i wonder why i get along so brilliantly with my dad.:frown:
When my mother calls on the phone, it ends up being over an hour and it is literally ONE SIDED, all about her and her " hardships". Wouldn't matter if I got hit by a truck and every bone in my body was broken, she would find a way to say whatever she had was worse. A hangnail could be tragic! I usually end up mentally exhausted when I get off the phone with her. Never once does she even ask how I am? I am ready to return back to therapy because she is getting worse lately.
and i live half way across the world from my parents!0 -
Isn't it weird that so many people who are overweight have family issues? Usually the mother?
I know for me, my mom is very...controlling. I have 2 other sisters and a brother but to me it seems like she only pulls this crap on me. Her and my sister will get on a diet and weight loss kick and so seriously over board. She once told me she had had only 400 calories that day and most of it was from coffee creamer...and she was PROUD of this. It made me sick really. And they would get fat free everything...not really understanding that fat free does not mean sugar free. And they would go out walking 3-5 miles EVERY DAY, even if they hurt. Even if it was raining. Even if it was cold...even if it was cold AND raining.
And I tried to explain to her that you have to eat a certain amount of calories a day. And how fat free does not mean fat free all the time. And that it is OKAY to take a day off if your body is hurting and in pain.
I told her she could log calories on here. She said I don't have time to sit around on the computer all day like you. That isn't going to make you lose weight. I said Well, this is how I do it. I personally need people to motivate me, to keep me going. I need that team work.
And I told her about BMR..and she says in this snide voice "How's that working for you? Let me know if you lose anything."
My mother is a recovered anorexic bulimic. When she was 17 she dropped down very fast in weight. I think in her mind...the less you eat, the more you do is taken to extreme. Yes I am all for the less you eat, the more you do...but eating less as in junk food, as in pizza, as in fast foods...Not eating less foods in general.
My mother is a know it all and stubborn. So if you disagree with her, get ready for a head butting match.
And she still gets hurt feelings when I refuse to move back to the same town as her. REALLY?
Even better..my dad told me, about 4 years ago...You won't make it to 30. We better start measuring you now because we will have to special order a coffin for you....
So how is that for support and love?
I am so sorry you deal with that. You need to be surrounded by loving encouragement! And yes, I think alot of overweight women or women with eating disorders have " mother" issues. I have been anorexic on and over in my life because I just never felt good enough. We shouldn't have to feel like this!0 -
Have you ever read SURVIVING THE BORDERLINE MOTHER? You should. Sorry
It's ironic that you ask that because I've read "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" and I've been told by several people that my mother has to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline. Double whammy.
Ya. I have one of those mothers too. Sad, but true. Oh the stories . . . but that's why I live on the opposite side of the country from her.
I do too. Sorry we have this in common 0 -
Post likes these make me scared to death to ever be a mother. I don't want this for my future kids. My mother doesn't want her children to dislike her ... but we do. For good reason, of course. I just don't want to become my mother.0
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Success is the best revenge.
Keep your mouth shut and reach your goals, let your actions speak for themselves... once you get to your goal, look at her and 0 -
I can I tell you that if I hear one more person say that youll never be a certain size because your genes make you big...I swear ill scream!! I dont understand why they feel the need to be that way.
Makes them feel better about themselves. If you tell yourself a lie often enough you will believe it, and they believe this crap that they spew.0 -
I think mom fights with herself about us. We are both loosing weight to. I've heard her tell people that I've lost weight and I eat more then her. Then if soneone looks concerned who hasnt seen me in a while she tells me I need to eat more...then she'll buy me smalls (I'm tall) in clothes and say if I loose more weight I'll fit into them. Being 5'7 and 120 pounds I have no intensions of loosing 4 inches from my shoulders lol. I dont know what to do around her. She keeps buying me snacks and telling me I need to eat (even if I've just had dinner) and I keep telling her if she bought me "healthier" less processed snacks that were actually part of some sort of food group I would lol. It doesnt stop though. Every day she passes me at least 2 chocolate bars lol.
I think its the fact she sees me and sis loosing. I've noticed her portions get really small during meals but then she'll eat 3 bags of chips and dip at night. Shes probably trying to loose weight and starving and hungry and realizes what shes doing is wrong and worried that I feel the same. No comments are made to sis tho because shes always been over weight and needs to loose it before she starts getting health problems.0
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