Unsupportive Spouse..

Striving4Fit_MrsOrtiz
Striving4Fit_MrsOrtiz Posts: 399 Member
in Motivation and Support
I need to Rant!! I love my husband with every POUND of me, lol. But yesterday he said something that made me upset. So it all started with me jokingly telling him, that what if I got down from 202 pounds to 120 pounds. He said no, you won't look right. I was like probably not. But I only said that cause of my bone structure. Then I said Anyway, my goal weight is 140 pounds, he said I don't want you that small, you have big boobs and it won't look right. Then, I replied that I will more than likely lose weight there too, and drop a cup size or two, which ain't bad cause I'm dd. And plus what guy would complain about a girl with big boobs and small waist. Then he stayed quiet. I told him that that's a healthy weight for my height, and there's nothing wrong with being healthy. He says to me, that that's not how he met me, so he doesn't want me like that. When he met me I weighed 170, I didn't look bad, but I've always been battling with weight issues. I told him that he sounds, like a hater, that he should support what I want to do with myself especially since its to better myself. Oh to top it off, I told him that he didn't meet me this heavy either, and you're not saying you don't want me like this.. he stays quiet. This makes me so angry. And its not like he doesn't support my effort to lose weight because he buys me what I need little by little which I appreciate and when I lose weight he'll tell me how proud he is of me cause I'm doing somethin that I want to do for myself, but he should support my weight goal… oh by the way I gained this extra weight from having our first handsome son!! Please don't be too harsh cause that is still my hubby, be please give me some GOOD advice.

Replies

  • LillysGranny
    LillysGranny Posts: 431
    It sounds like he's a little insecure. Probably you have both been wrapped up in your new son (instead of each other) and now you're also wrapped up in your quest for health and weight loss. Just be patient with him and keep plugging along. I think when he realizes that you are the you he fell in love with at any size, his fears will be alleviated and he will be very proud of your hard work. Maybe he will even be more dedicated to looking after his own health (which anyone with a newborn should be!). I know it must be frustrating for you to feel unsupported, but I really think your hubby loves you a whole bunch--and loves you for you.

    In the meantime, take advantage of any opportunity to include him in your efforts--family walks in the evening, cooking healthy meals together, and don't forget that extra exercise available to you after your little guy hits the hay :)
  • sissy0107
    sissy0107 Posts: 40 Member
    It's one of my biggest fear that I won't look good when I'll reach my goal weight. My fiancé loves me the way I am, and big boobs too, but after I explained to him that it was most likely the source of my chronic back pains, he admitted that he could live with them being smaller.

    If your husband isn't supportive, maybe it's because he's afraid you're putting too much stress on your body, or maybe that when you'll lose weight you'll feel so much better with yourself that you'll catch other men's eyes. It's hard to discuss with someone who keeps mute, but just reassuring him that no matter your weight you'll still love him should be enough. Even if you have to tell him everyday to pound it into his brain xD.
  • 180farm
    180farm Posts: 230
    I think some men are wired differently. I no longer allow my husband in the room where I am working out as his "constructive criticism" is not appreciated. You may think you're being helpful, but NO it's just annoying considering he's never exercised. Then he said that if I really wanted to lose I should go running. Again NO, I hate running and like you i am a DD. I think he is trying to be helpful by saying things like "if you want it just have it" when I really am trying just to vent about wanting a brownie. I have come to terms that my girlfriends are the ones to go to when I'm looking for encouragement or someone to notice Ive lost 15 lbs. They always say the right things.
  • futuremalestripper
    futuremalestripper Posts: 467 Member
    I'm in the same situation. My SO actually said she would no longer find me attractive if I get fit.
    I wish I had a good answer. All you can do is pursue the body that you desire and make your decision based on the body you want to have, so you can live the life that you want to live. If he loves you, he'll come around.
  • wayaluna
    wayaluna Posts: 34 Member
    Silence on a man's part does not necessarly signal disagreement or disapproval. He may just be thinking about what that situation would be like. Maybe you wouldn't find him so attractive once you reach your goal weight. When I started loosing weight my husband, eventhough I didn't say anything, he felt like he had to do something about his weight/health. He was on the quiet side as he mulled over what he was going to do about it. Have faith your hubby will adjust with you over time. Focus on the support he is giving you and don't harp on what he's going to think or do when you reach a lower weight; you both will be much happier now and when you get there. Enjoy the love and support he gives you. Good luck on your journey!:smile:
  • delikium
    delikium Posts: 196 Member
    maybe he just can't imagine what 170 / 140 / 120 actually is. those numbers don't have any real meaning to him.
    he is just scared that if you get thin, you going to expect him to become thin too...
  • lil_pulp
    lil_pulp Posts: 701 Member
    Your husband seems fine with how you look now, so if you focus on your goal weight/size, he might be wondering who you're losing the weight for (insecurity). Maybe when you talk to him about it, focus on the HEALTH benefits (yours, as well as how you can be a better mother for a longer time to your son). Good luck...and be kind to your husband and grateful that he at least tried to express how he's feeling!
  • Striving4Fit_MrsOrtiz
    Striving4Fit_MrsOrtiz Posts: 399 Member
    It sounds like he's a little insecure. Probably you have both been wrapped up in your new son (instead of each other) and now you're also wrapped up in your quest for health and weight loss. Just be patient with him and keep plugging along. I think when he realizes that you are the you he fell in love with at any size, his fears will be alleviated and he will be very proud of your hard work. Maybe he will even be more dedicated to looking after his own health (which anyone with a newborn should be!). I know it must be frustrating for you to feel unsupported, but I really think your hubby loves you a whole bunch--and loves you for you.

    In the meantime, take advantage of any opportunity to include him in your efforts--family walks in the evening, cooking healthy meals together, and don't forget that extra exercise available to you after your little guy hits the hay :)

    Thanks he even wants us to do a sport together!!
  • JanetLM73
    JanetLM73 Posts: 1,226 Member
    My hubby told me to stop losing because he is starting to notice Men looking at me. It makes me want to lose the weight even more. I'm doing this for ME and nobody else. So my only advice is keep getting it done.

    Best of luck xo
  • Striving4Fit_MrsOrtiz
    Striving4Fit_MrsOrtiz Posts: 399 Member
    Your husband seems fine with how you look now, so if you focus on your goal weight/size, he might be wondering who you're losing the weight for (insecurity). Maybe when you talk to him about it, focus on the HEALTH benefits (yours, as well as how you can be a better mother for a longer time to your son). Good luck...and be kind to your husband and grateful that he at least tried to express how he's feeling!

    Actually he's already has said that, 'who are you trying to look good for', ahh for you and me!! Men.. urgh.. make me wanna pull my hair out!
  • naiils
    naiils Posts: 20
    Perhaps your weight makes him feel 'safe' that no other man will try & steal you away because as you stated yourself - what man wouldn't desire a big breasted girl with a tiny waist? Men just aren't as obvious as ladies when it comes to jealousy & insecurity [generalizing ]. Perhaps he really does prefer his women heavy. Either way, the moment you & your husband decided to bring a child into the world you gave up the privilege of being 'selfish'. Both of you owe it to your son to be GREAT role models of fitness & health. Lead by example Kari - Don't give up on your goal.
  • Striving4Fit_MrsOrtiz
    Striving4Fit_MrsOrtiz Posts: 399 Member
    My hubby told me to stop losing because he is starting to notice Men looking at me.

    Same situation here. Does it matter!? I have respect for him, that's all that matters.. Plus our men should have pride in what they have standing next to them!! My husband is fine skinny, toned, or chubby.. he has a beautiful smile, beautiful eyes, etc.. I know women find him attractive but I have to have trust that he does the right thing.. well same for them!!
  • Striving4Fit_MrsOrtiz
    Striving4Fit_MrsOrtiz Posts: 399 Member
    Perhaps your weight makes him feel 'safe' that no other man will try & steal you away because as you stated yourself - what man wouldn't desire a big breasted girl with a tiny waist? Men just aren't as obvious as ladies when it comes to jealousy & insecurity [generalizing ]. Perhaps he really does prefer his women heavy.

    I think you're right about feeling 'safe', but before I came into his life, the girls he dated were skinny. And they cheated on him, all of them.. But he's my baby, and I wouldn't want to see him hurt, so I won't cause that on him, we have been eachothers longest long term relationship we've both had. So maybe he's afraid of losing me.. maybe..
  • dakoerber
    dakoerber Posts: 308 Member
    I wouldn't worry too much about his comments. It sounds like he is supporting you like you said by getting you what you need. His comments could be just fear that things will change when you lose the weight or you may not want him anymore. I truly don't think it is because he doesn't want you healthy. Just keep doing what you know you need to do to be healthy and get to the weight you feel comfortable - but make sure to keep him included. This is a change for you and for him. I would just be understanding with him. He loves you as you are and just doesn't want to lose you. Just tell him you love him and reassure him that things will not change. You didn't say if he workouts with you or anything but maybe you could include him in your new fitness routines. Maybe going on walks together or bike rides. This will help you get healthy and strengthen your relationship and that may help him not be so fearful.
  • Flab2fitfi
    Flab2fitfi Posts: 1,349 Member
    Perhaps your weight makes him feel 'safe' that no other man will try & steal you away because as you stated yourself - what man wouldn't desire a big breasted girl with a tiny waist? Men just aren't as obvious as ladies when it comes to jealousy & insecurity [generalizing ]. Perhaps he really does prefer his women heavy.

    I think you're right about feeling 'safe', but before I came into his life, the girls he dated were skinny. And they cheated on him, all of them.. But he's my baby, and I wouldn't want to see him hurt, so I won't cause that on him, we have been eachothers longest long term relationship we've both had. So maybe he's afraid of losing me.. maybe..

    I think if you also concentrate about the health reasons you want to loose weight. You want to be around in twenty years to be with both him and your son and this is why you are trying to get fitter.
  • Striving4Fit_MrsOrtiz
    Striving4Fit_MrsOrtiz Posts: 399 Member
    Thanks to everyone!! I really appreciate it, and feel much better.. :wink:
  • jenmfpal
    jenmfpal Posts: 124
    I love everyone's answers. I hope you and your husband are getting on better now.

    I had similar problems with my DH. I told him, your supposed to love me "for better or for worse," and "now's the for better part, and you're just going to have to support me while I do this for my health!" It's hard, I don't know if it's his insecurity because I'm getting fit and looking better or jealousy because he can't have time to go to the gym if I'm going all the time (someone has to be home with the kids).
  • DieVixen
    DieVixen Posts: 790 Member
    I dont think he is insecure,I just think that he thinks your boobs will be huge and the rest will get small. You boobs will shrink some too. I think the biggest problem is he just cant picture you 30 pounds smaller than when he met you. He feel in love with you at 170 and im sure to him you were perfect so in his mind he can not picture you so much skinnier than when he met you and found you perfect. My husband wants to grow a beard in my mind this will not look good because I just cant picture it. do you see where I am going with this?
  • jgondor
    jgondor Posts: 145 Member
    he probably can't picture what 120 pounds looks like and it probably scares him. in all actuality, since he sees you everyday and you're weight loss is a slow (and healthy!) process, its not going to be a drastic change than what he is probably thinking. keep doing what you're doing and don't get discouraged by him. prove him wrong by looking amazing with your weight loss!
  • bellyake3
    bellyake3 Posts: 135 Member
    DUDE..I totally know what your saying. Last night we got in a huge fight about this same subject..then he added, on top of everything that I pretty much suck as a wife. All I care about is exercise and diet! I broke down...I really don't think I can keep going like this. This mornin' I woke up super early ironed his clothes and made him breakfast and sent him off to work with a smile...kill me now!!!!:explode:
  • Becoming_A_Butterfly
    Becoming_A_Butterfly Posts: 2,534 Member
    He doesn't sound insecure or unsupportive to me. Maybe that is because my boyfriend has also said he doesn't want me to get too skinny and that he likes my body the way it is. He likes my butt being round, not boney. So many women are obsessed with being skinny, and so many media images of women are skin and bones, it is not unheard of for him to maybe assume that is what you are striving for as well.
  • imchicbad
    imchicbad Posts: 1,650 Member
    My husband use to say stupi comments like that, until he saw my results just 8 weeks later. I started buying health food, and not junk, and he would yell at me that I was starving him. After 8 weeks, he signed up with my trainer and now eats healthy, lost 15 lbs in 3 weeks. Now whos laughing? lol I think he was insecure in the begining, but since he has seen results himself hes been a lot better. And I still have my big boobs lifting weights. He will get over it, especially when he either joins you, or cant keep his bragging hands off you. Hang in there girl.
  • hotjacki85
    hotjacki85 Posts: 287 Member
    oh my dear.... i think ur hubby may have the same issue my hubby did... i went from 205 lbs to 175. See pics.... 2643710_5346.jpg then to 1337707361.jpg My hubby was ANGRY about this... people were showing me attention... i had this new chip on my shoulder attitude and FELT GREAT. He got use to it after awhile.Its been about a year... he still has his moments but our men LOVE us the way we are so when we say we are going to change it scares them. Because of their own insecurities and because they dont liek change... do it anyway! If he loves u he will adjust and love his new wifes rockin body! You can do it! and when u do he will adjust and the pride will be there... promise

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