Passionate, possessive, "50 Shades" kind of love
Does it exist??
I know this is a random place to post this, but I wanted to keep relatively anonymous yet ask a question thats been on my mind! I have been reading these stupid romance novels including 50 Shades that I know I should NOT be reading... but in a way I like the crazy possessive, overly passionate & sometimes scary love the guys have for these girls. One quote in a book I read said something like "He scared me with his possessiveness, so I left, and I found I regret leaving that for someone who just doesnt care either way."
So I guess my question is - does this exist??? In a normal human being long term relationship?
Just wondering...
I know this is a random place to post this, but I wanted to keep relatively anonymous yet ask a question thats been on my mind! I have been reading these stupid romance novels including 50 Shades that I know I should NOT be reading... but in a way I like the crazy possessive, overly passionate & sometimes scary love the guys have for these girls. One quote in a book I read said something like "He scared me with his possessiveness, so I left, and I found I regret leaving that for someone who just doesnt care either way."
So I guess my question is - does this exist??? In a normal human being long term relationship?
Just wondering...
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Replies
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It exists, but I wouldn't call it love and I wouldn't call it healthy. Usually it ends up in you not being allowed to leave the house alone or even glance for a split second in the direction of another man without getting berated for hours that you were "staring" at the guy and clearly want to have sex with him.
Romance novels are fun, fluffy brain candy reads but there is nothing real about them.0 -
I don't know if it exists but i found their relationship child like, unhealthy and suffocating. The possessiveness is unattractive to me and reminds me of the relationships I had in high school and college.
I think the passion can exist but not as steadily as found in a fiction novel. I find and I have been married a while now that it ebbs and flows depending on real life.0 -
Sure it exists just ask women that are beaten or killed by thier SO.
Seriously women we need to stop expecting men to act like the men in books written by women we really do0 -
take it from someone who felt like that
strong positive emotions have an equally strong downside.0 -
^ I really like your answer of the ebbs/flows of how life is going- gives me hope yet is realistic.
I dont think I'd want something to the extent of these novels- and I dont feel my expectations are based on them- but of course with anything- TV, books, movies, life influences, all these things contribute to your thoughts of what men are, and I have never actually been in a relationship, so I thought I'd ask
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Relationships usually start out very passionate and then settle. It's the people who equate passion with love who can't sustain a relationship because they think the settled part means the love is gone when really it just means you've gotten comfortable with each other.
And I agree with the ebbing and flowing. There will be times you don't feel any love for your partner and times when it overwhelms you, but most of the time it's somewhere in the middle.0 -
Having been in a situation that can be classified as crazy and posessive on his part, I can testify that it's not desirable, at least for me. I'd rather have someone not care either way than care so much they begin limiting my friends and threatening me over trivial issues.
Novels that depict that sort of behaviour as a positive really bother me. I suppose it's not as big of a deal if you've never experienced it, and it seems quite romantic that someone would care so much for a woman, but to me it just reminds me of things I'd rather keep tucked away.0 -
Just remember those books aren't real and even though it effects your idea if men (as many other things do as well), those books are written by women who have ideas in their head about what a man should be like. You said you hadn't been in a relationship and if you compare you may be disappointed when it happens.
Men are wonderful but no one can be romantic, passionate, there for you, with rock hard abs, a huge penis, giving you 5 orgasms each time, while being either a millionaire or working his *kitten* off while balancing a baby on one hip- not 24/7 anyway!0 -
It exists, but I wouldn't call it love and I wouldn't call it healthy. Usually it ends up in you not being allowed to leave the house alone or even glance for a split second in the direction of another man without getting berated for hours that you were "staring" at the guy and clearly want to have sex with him.
Romance novels are fun, fluffy brain candy reads but there is nothing real about them.
This.
Real love is usually nothing like you see in the movies or in books. Fiction is just that: fictional. It's idealized, it's exaggerated, it's not realistic.0 -
I know that kind of thing seems exciting, but trust me: real love is so much better. A healthy loving relationship will make you feel so much more valued than that possessive stuff ever could.0
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It exists, but I wouldn't call it love and I wouldn't call it healthy. Usually it ends up in you not being allowed to leave the house alone or even glance for a split second in the direction of another man without getting berated for hours that you were "staring" at the guy and clearly want to have sex with him.
Romance novels are fun, fluffy brain candy reads but there is nothing real about them.
This ^^^
Christian is a Narcissist and the relationship (and many idealized, fictional relationships) is textbook for dealing with someone with that personality disorder. And the fact that this is driving a country of women to desire that type of manipulation, disregard for personal boundaries, and all else that goes with it is quite disturbing. The comment above is the REAL outcome of that type of a relationship. I really wish that type of love DID NOT exist.0 -
Relationships usually start out very passionate and then settle. It's the people who equate passion with love who can't sustain a relationship because they think the settled part means the love is gone when really it just means you've gotten comfortable with each other.
And I agree with the ebbing and flowing. There will be times you don't feel any love for your partner and times when it overwhelms you, but most of the time it's somewhere in the middle.
And this too. My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together for 12. It was passionate in the beginning, all the time. And then it settled down into something more comfortable. Yes, there's still passion, but there's also the everyday stuff. Just hanging around the house watching tv. We don't NEED to be together constantly, and although I do miss him when we have to be apart for whatever reason, I'm still my own person, and he's still his own person. We have individual identities that aren't defined by our relationship. Our relationship just makes us better.0 -
Relationships usually start out very passionate and then settle. It's the people who equate passion with love who can't sustain a relationship because they think the settled part means the love is gone when really it just means you've gotten comfortable with each other.
And I agree with the ebbing and flowing. There will be times you don't feel any love for your partner and times when it overwhelms you, but most of the time it's somewhere in the middle.
And this too. My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together for 12. It was passionate in the beginning, all the time. And then it settled down into something more comfortable. Yes, there's still passion, but there's also the everyday stuff. Just hanging around the house watching tv. We don't NEED to be together constantly, and although I do miss him when we have to be apart for whatever reason, I'm still my own person, and he's still his own person. We have individual identities that aren't defined by our relationship. Our relationship just makes us better.
I've lived with the boyfriend for seven years. My favorite activity with him is settling on the couch on Saturday nights watching British sitcoms. lol I look forward to it every week.
He's out of town for two weeks right now (this is week two). Week one was like fresh air -- I was SO HAPPY to have my bedroom to myself. By the beginning of week two, I was ready for him to come home.0 -
Of course it exists, but It's not love...it's lust.
As for the book...great sex scenes minus the excessive cuddle speak and repetitiveness and I'll definitely go see the movie and am hoping for lots of nudity!
Narcissists are great when in pursuit of what they want, but then you just need to leave them where they belong...alone! You're only an object to them and nothing more. Once they feel like they have you they will move on to their next pursuit *secretly* and will continue to do so to feed their ego. They are crazy mother duckers, but unfortunately usually hot as hell!0 -
Seriously women we need to stop expecting men to act like the men in books written by women we really do
I agree.
I shudder to think that impressionable young women and girls are being influenced in formulating their opinions by utter drivel including that "Twilight" nonsense...0 -
Seriously women we need to stop expecting men to act like the men in books written by women we really do
I agree.
I shudder to think that impressionable young women and girls are being influenced in formulating their opinions by utter drivel including that "Twilight" nonsense...
It isn't just impressionable young women. Women in their 30s and 40s are falling for it, too. *shudder*0 -
Seriously women we need to stop expecting men to act like the men in books written by women we really do
I agree.
I shudder to think that impressionable young women and girls are being influenced in formulating their opinions by utter drivel including that "Twilight" nonsense...
It isn't just impressionable young women. Women in their 30s and 40s are falling for it, too. *shudder*
Good lord, it's worse than I ever feared.
Honestly it makes me wonder sometimes if there isn't some kind of sinister plot to keep women in a general state of subservience by playing on their emotions...
I guess that could be applied to men as well. Free your mind and be free!0 -
It exists, but I wouldn't call it love and I wouldn't call it healthy. Usually it ends up in you not being allowed to leave the house alone or even glance for a split second in the direction of another man without getting berated for hours that you were "staring" at the guy and clearly want to have sex with him.
Romance novels are fun, fluffy brain candy reads but there is nothing real about them.
This ^^^
Christian is a Narcissist and the relationship (and many idealized, fictional relationships) is textbook for dealing with someone with that personality disorder. And the fact that this is driving a country of women to desire that type of manipulation, disregard for personal boundaries, and all else that goes with it is quite disturbing. The comment above is the REAL outcome of that type of a relationship. I really wish that type of love DID NOT exist.
There is a singles group here where a lot of relationship discussions go on and while never should broad generalizations be made it is clear that many ladies yearn for some sort of story book/romance novel relationship and envision one very quickly when first dating a guy.
When taken too far it is a disaster but it seems an uphill battle trying to end this notion many women cling to.0 -
I know this is a random place to post this, but I wanted to keep relatively anonymous yet ask a question thats been on my mind! I have been reading these stupid romance novels including 50 Shades that I know I should NOT be reading... but in a way I like the crazy possessive, overly passionate & sometimes scary love the guys have for these girls. One quote in a book I read said something like "He scared me with his possessiveness, so I left, and I found I regret leaving that for someone who just doesnt care either way." So I guess my question is - does this exist??? In a normal human being long term relationship?
Sure, it exists, but it's risky. You can't have crazy passionate possissive love, stripped of the risk that he will actually beat the crap or kill you. Go for it! Send a letter to a man on death row or something.
I think women are getting off on this porn because they're starved for benevolent dominance, and lacking that, will accept assholery. Men these days are mostly wimps afraid to stand up to women.0 -
I think women are getting off on this porn because they're starved for benevolent dominance, and lacking that, will accept assholery. Men these days are mostly wimps afraid to stand up to women.
I think women are getting off on this porn because it's just that - porn. Not to mention, not everyone has a red room of pain set up in their spare bedroom so it's a little different than "vanilla" sex.0 -
FILTHY shades of grey.0
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I think women are getting off on this porn because it's just that - porn. Not to mention, not everyone has a red room of pain set up in their spare bedroom so it's a little different than "vanilla" sex.
By "dominance" I don't mean a red room of pain, although it could include that in some extremes. I mean basic things, like being actually able to say "no" to a woman. Not being p-whipped. Basic stuff. Leadership.0 -
Why does anyone have to be the leader? Haven't you ever heard of an equal partnership?I think women are getting off on this porn because it's just that - porn. Not to mention, not everyone has a red room of pain set up in their spare bedroom so it's a little different than "vanilla" sex.
By "dominance" I don't mean a red room of pain, although it could include that in some extremes. I mean basic things, like being actually able to say "no" to a woman. Not being p-whipped. Basic stuff. Leadership.
I mean really, "benevolent dominance"? Ugh. Could you be any more patronizing?0 -
Sure, it exists, if you're willing to search for that. Of course, you'll also have to give up any sense of free will or individuality. But if that's what you're into, best of luck to you!
The other option is that you could actually look for a partner in life that compliments who you are and what you want from life, and that you do the same for in return. Then you'd actually have a shot at an amazing, loving relationship that sustains you for a lifetime.
But really, if you just want to be slave to your man, I cast no judgments.0 -
It exists, but I wouldn't call it love and I wouldn't call it healthy. Usually it ends up in you not being allowed to leave the house alone or even glance for a split second in the direction of another man without getting berated for hours that you were "staring" at the guy and clearly want to have sex with him.
Romance novels are fun, fluffy brain candy reads but there is nothing real about them.
This ^^^
Christian is a Narcissist and the relationship (and many idealized, fictional relationships) is textbook for dealing with someone with that personality disorder. And the fact that this is driving a country of women to desire that type of manipulation, disregard for personal boundaries, and all else that goes with it is quite disturbing. The comment above is the REAL outcome of that type of a relationship. I really wish that type of love DID NOT exist.
There is a singles group here where a lot of relationship discussions go on and while never should broad generalizations be made it is clear that many ladies yearn for some sort of story book/romance novel relationship and envision one very quickly when first dating a guy.
When taken too far it is a disaster but it seems an uphill battle trying to end this notion many women cling to.
I think we're taught (albeit passively) to want that from a young age. It's the whole Prince Charming deal. Look at how many princesses are saved! And it continues on with a fascination for that life-changing engulfment. Many times, it appears as though the woman is so fortunate to have found her true, life-changing, all-fulfilling love. In reality, the relationship is centered on the desires of the man who is doing the life-changing. Think Pretty Woman, Reality Bites, 9 1/2 Weeks, 50 Shades, etc. And the same is true for the opposite dynamic, the Narc woman "saving" the man from his life, like in My Best Friend's Wedding. Those are a little harder to ID, though.
They never show what happens next in real life. The Prince traps Rapunzel in his own tower and won't let her out, Richard Gere's character gets bored w/ his hooker turned love and can't stand someone who would actually love him because he's so tortured, My Best Friend can't keep up with Kimmy's need for attention as he just wants a wife, a couple kids, and a nice house, so she finds someone else to admire her.
That's the reality of it, yet somehow that's what gets left out. So, why wouldn't anyone question the ideal?!?0 -
They never show what happens next in real life. The Prince traps Rapunzel in his own tower and won't let her out, Richard Gere's character gets bored w/ his hooker turned love and can't stand someone who would actually love him because he's so tortured, My Best Friend can't keep up with Kimmy's need for attention as he just wants a wife, a couple kids, and a nice house, so she finds someone else to admire her.
That's the reality of it, yet somehow that's what gets left out. So, why wouldn't anyone question the ideal?!?
Actually, Rapunzel saves the prince in that story -- the original, anyway, which is the one I grew up with.
Have you ever seen Into the Woods? You'd get a kick out of the princes and relationships in that musical.0 -
I am almost done with "50 Shades Darker" and have mixed emotions about it. I am enjoying the read but also find it disturbing. Personally, not the kind of love I would want.0
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Why does anyone have to be the leader? Haven't you ever heard of an equal partnership?
Why does it have to be exactly equal? Plenty of people like leadership.
The notion that *everyone* has to be exactly equal in a relationship is silly. Personally I think it's depolarizing and unsexy. Hey, if it's your thing, go for it, that's your choice. Based on the clamor for this book - it ain't most women's.
People always have equal value and worth as humans. But I believe love is complementary, and not necessarily perfectly equal.I mean really, "benevolent dominance"? Ugh. Could you be any more patronizing?
Oh, yes, I can be a *lot* more patronizing. I tone it down generally.
Facebook feeds and forums across this country are full of bored housewives tittering about this book, and it's not because they find "equal partnerships" sexy and thrilling. Otherwise romance novels would be full of men doing dishes and sweetly asking for permission for sex. It's not what women want.0 -
[/quote]
Actually, Rapunzel saves the prince in that story -- the original, anyway, which is the one I grew up with.
Have you ever seen Into the Woods? You'd get a kick out of the princes and relationships in that musical.
[/quote]
Oops, must have gotten that wrong. Maybe I'm slowly recovering from "the dream".
No, I haven't seen Into the Woods. Will remember that. Thx.0 -
Actually, Rapunzel saves the prince in that story -- the original, anyway, which is the one I grew up with.
Have you ever seen Into the Woods? You'd get a kick out of the princes and relationships in that musical.
Oops, must have gotten that wrong. Maybe I'm slowly recovering from "the dream".
No, I haven't seen Into the Woods. Will remember that. Thx.
Yeah, the witch finds out about the prince and moves Rapunzel, then blinds the prince on thorns that grew at the bottom of the tower. He wanders aimlessly for years until he somehow stumbles into the place where Rapunzel is and she cries over his sorry state and her tears restore his sight and they live happily ever after.
Really, the Disney versions of all the fairy tales are much different than the originals, which tended to have much stronger female characters. Into the Woods is based on the Grimm's versions with some twists and the endings aren't so pretty and happy.0
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